It's no secret that in-laws are the subject of many marital arguments. The rivalry between wives and their mothers-in-law is a major source of tension in many marriages. You may find it interesting that many new brides get along very well with their husband's parents at first; it isn't until later—sometimes years later—that friction develops.

Time-after-time, daughters-in-law in my support group say things like, "My husband's parents welcomed me into their family immediately and treated me as their own daughter." Likewise, "My own in-laws showered me with gifts and included me in everything". It's not uncommon for young women to be very fond of their husband's family, and vice versa... in the beginning.

Later on down the marriage, dealing with in-laws can be an overwhelming challenge—whether you are dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law who believes her opinions are superior to yours—or someone who tries to make you feel guilty whenever your needs conflict with hers. It may be tempting to gossip, hold silent grudges, or cut off all communication with troublesome in-laws - but that often just adds to the problem.

Here are some tips for dealing with difficult in-laws:

Flowers Wallpapers- Love your husband more than you dislike his parents. Rather than gossip to your spouse about his awful parents (which will trigger his instinct to defend them), communicate directly with them in a tactful manner. Don't give your in-laws the power to destroy your marriage; focus on being a great wife rather than a vindictive daughter-in-law. Behave in a way that draws your husband's loyalty so you can unite as a couple to deal with difficult in-laws.

- If need be, only turn to the knowledgeable and righteous for advice.

- Change your perspective. You and your mother-in-law are adults, so don't behave as though you are an inferior child. The extent to which she can push your buttons is the extent to which she has power over you. Learn what your buttons are, and brainstorm new constructive and respective Islamic responses with Adab. If maintaining silence is better, than do so.

Abu Musa al-Ashari (ra) is reported to have said, "Respect for Allah  includes respect for an old Muslim and respect for one who carries the Qur'aan (in his heart, that is, he who memorised it), who does not exaggerate (while reciting it), and does not keep himself away from it and respect for a just man of high office (all these are included in showing respect to Allah )." (Abu Dawood)

- Communicate assertively. It's usually not necessary to have a big serious confrontation to communicate your needs, but it is important to speak in an assertive manner when the opportunity presents itself, without being rude, egotistic and abrupt. If your husband has the desire and confidence to confront his parents about problem issues, then that’s fantastic.

- Set reasonable boundaries, if need be keep a psychological distance. You can't completely control your mother-in-law's behavior (or anyone else's for that matter), but you can set limits on how her behavior affects you. The purpose of a boundary is to protect yourself and/or your marriage. 

- If your mother in law can't be spoken to or advised, and gets upset easily for no apparent reason then don't always blame yourself. Just because she feels hurt or angry doesn't mean you did something wrong. In-laws with healthy behavior will respond appropriately when you communicate your needs and draw reasonable boundaries. However, in-laws with destructive behavior will choose to be offended and try to make you feel guilty for having needs that conflict with theirs. It's important to stand your ground with controlling, manipulative in-laws.

When you decide to get out of the victim role and start behaving in a new way, then you will start to have healthier relationships with your in-laws, and more importantly with all those around you.

muslimah-at-sunset2In-laws are the focus of blame and reproach when there are marital disputes. But there are ways to maintain a good relationship with them. Here are some tips:

  • Remember your spouse's parents have known them longer and loved them longer. Never make an issue about "me or them".
  • Let respective parties settle their own disputes. If your mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with it. Don't interfere
  • Don't tell your spouse how to improve their relationship with their parents.
  • Expect some adjustment time for parents after marriage to adjust to this new relationship.
  • Remember that mothers are usually skeptical about daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
  • Always strive to treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.
  • Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.
  • Never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad.
  • Do not go to your parents with unnecessary quarrels.
  • If you are supporting your parents financially with your spouse's money it may be best to inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.
  • Do not forbid your spouse from seeing family unless you fear for their religion and safety.
  • Do not divulge secrets.
  • Make time to know your in-laws but stay out of their disputes.
  • Maintain the Adab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and brother-in-laws ( hugging or kissing).
  • Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their grandchildren.
  • Be forgiving and keep your sense of humor.
  • Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to.
  • Visit them when you can and encourage your spouse to visit their parents and regularly check on them.
  • When parents become dependent on their children, a serious discussion with all parties present should take place. Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement must be worked out.


With my in-laws back living with me alhamdulillah, it took me to thinking about living harmoniously and issues of control, privacy and co-operation.

I enjoy my in-laws extended visits, especially the long meals, the long walks and the long talks. This means that at the moment our home is busy but pleasant. It hasn’t always been this way though and it has taken a bit of work and growing up for everyone to get to this point.


white sands blue skies by corazondediosThe first time my mother-in-law came to stay there were tears, arguments and sulks on both sides, with my poor husband trying to mediate as best he could. We are both fairly strong-willed and used to getting our way. We both had to learn that sometimes it is better to step back and let small things go.

The second time my mother-in-law came to stay, she had already been diagnosed with Hepatitis C and we were not sure how much time she had with us as she had been told her illness was untreatable. I wanted to keep her happy and as well as possible given the situation. She wanted me to be happy and at ease with her. The small things seemed so irrelevant, we had reached a point where we were both willing to capitulate to the others way of doing things.

So I suppose for my mother-in-law, the art of living together involved not “sweating the small stuff” as it were, letting go. If she wanted more chilli in the curry, fine. I didn’t want to hoover that minute, fine.

Of course, it’s not always small stuff. During a stay with her in Pakistan, she wanted me to take my hijab off for a wedding, I was mortified. I had to ask for assistance from hubby, who waited until my mother-in-law was within ear-shot and commanded sternly “just because you are going to a wedding, don’t think you can take your hijab off”. I was killing myself with laughter. That’s not to judge her harshly, because a year later when she came to stay with me, she left wearing hijab and abaya maashaa'Allah.

There was also the matter of control, at first I felt I could not cook what I want, leave the house in a mess if I wanted to or spend my money how I wanted to. This was not because of anything she said but because of my assumptions and because she would not sit still. She has worked hard and been careful with her money her entire life and sickness has not changed that habit. If the cooking or cleaning or laundry was not done she would rush to do it her way. So I learned to get it done myself at the first opportunity or delegate to my husband or brother-in-laws with the maxim that “your mum is ill, she needs rest, so get this done before she does” – I can’t believe this worked.

I also had to deal with my assumptions that she thought me lazy, spendthrift, or wasteful. She has never actually said any of these things so I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. I had to remember that I’m an adult and I can spend my time and money in the way that I choose. If anyone says anything about this, then I can take their comments on board and thank them for their concern but then totally ignore it if I choose to.



Living with my father-in-law was a whole different kettle of fish. I think he is wonderful, he is the doting parent that any girl would wish for and we have in common a liking for the things that bore the entire rest of the family: history, museums, academia (we both loved Stonehenge, whilst the everyone else could not see the interest in a bunch of old rocks). So you can imagine we have a mutual fan club there.

We weren’t without our teething problems though. Dad-in-law wasn’t aware of when he could be critical. So his comments about my cooking, how well my sister-in-law dressed and how beautiful she was knocked my confidence quite a bit. This was not intentional and if he had known he would have been mortified. I had to learn though to accept how I am and to accept my cooking as it was. I had to remind myself that I don’t have to impress anyone but Allah (SWT) and that I didn’t need anyone’s approval. I still don’t have much confidence in the kitchen, but I’m not too fussed anymore about what people think about me.

Regarding privacy, during the in-laws first visit, I was breast-feeding Gorgeous, so I had to make it very, very clear that when my bedroom door is closed, no-one comes in. That has held so that when I need quiet- or alone- time I can just go in my room and shut the door.


My brothers-in-law are my age and younger and are non-Mahram for me, although I think highly of all of them and we have a relationship of mutual respect, I still dress Islamically when they are around and cover myself, including at home. This can feel bothersome at times, especially as I want to look nice for my husband, but I am now used to it and to be honest this is not a problem when we only have the older brother-in-law with us because he is rarely home.

Uqba bin Amir reported Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) as saying: "Beware of getting, into the houses and meeting women (in seclusion)." A person from the Ansaar said: "Allah’s Messenger, what about husband’s brother?", whereupon he said: "The husband’s brother is death." (Muslim 8:26:5400)

Although there is no obligation in Islam on a woman to care for her in-laws, there is an obligation to care for her parents. If we viewed our in-laws in the same way as our parents, with the same empathy and concern, we would be willing to change our behaviour a little and guide them gently to adjust theirs. Also, they ARE my husband’s parents and because of this, I want to help him serve them and make his way to his reward, inshaa'Allah.

Finally, we will all one day be old if death does not reach us first. The way the elderly are treated today is sad and frightening. What is to say things will be any different for us – alone, uncared for and robbed blind? I believe that we are paid back for what we do (Allah SWT is truly Just) and if we care for our elders perhaps someone will care for us. I also know that children learn from what we do and not what we say. If we make caring for our elders, even difficult ones, the norm in our homes, they might just extend the same treatment to us as the perfectly natural way to behave.

“And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and that you shall show goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) “Ugh” nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.” (Quran 17:23)

Narrated 'Abdullah: I asked the Prophet (PBUH) "Which deed is the dearest to Allah?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents" I again asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" He replied, 'To participate in Jihad (religious fighting) in Allah's cause."

'Abdullah added,

"I asked only that much and if I had asked more, the Prophet would have told me more." (Bukhari 1:10:505)


This weekend my mum-in-law is flying back to Pakistan after staying with us for the last five months. She is here for about six months every year and her coming and going usually means lots of change in our home and family routine.

I have written before about how I initially struggled to get on with her, but how eventually we found the middle ground and learned to live together without upsetting each other – letting small things go and learning to accept our differences. Two years on, I view her parting with mixed feelings.

Living with your in-laws can be challenging, even after so many years, I occasionally still find myself a little resentful or fed up. One of the difficulties I faced was my mother-in-law’s poor health. This made her much less mobile and consequently all of us less mobile as we didn’t like to leave her at home on her own for too long.

I also struggled with her anxiety and depression in the beginning. I found myself coming home from a long day at work to spend time trying to reassure her and cheer her up. Over time, alhamdulillah I have noticed her depression lifting and this being less of a problem, but in the beginning I found it wore me down each day.

Probably the hardest I found was not being able to say no to her. So if she wanted to go somewhere, or come early from somewhere it had to happen that way. If she wanted certain things to be cooked or household chores to be done, I felt that they had to be done, even if I thought my time would be better spent in a different way. In this way she is very similar to my mum and as with my mum I couldn’t say no. I think the way I have been raised embeds obedience very deeply and to refuse to do what a mother or mother-in-law asks feels equivalent to being a bad daughter or daughter-in-law. As always, as I write this, I am finding a lot of this is in my head and I let my over-thinking hobble me like nothing else can.

On the other hand, when she has been well, she has helped with the school run and the housework. She watched the kids whilst hubby dropped me to work in the morning. She minded the children when I needed to pop across the road to get a carton of milk, saving me the frustration of spending 20 minutes getting three children ready to go across the road to pick up one thing.

She was also a second feminine influence in the home, contrasting to hubby’s obsession with building work and vehicles and the two boys’ rowdiness (and obsession with construction blocks and toy cars). She and Little Lady are fast friends, with Little Lady sneaking out of bed to get into her grandmothers bed.

Most importantly though, I believe it is extremely beneficial to have an elder in the home for so many reasons. They are in a position to pass on their life lessons so that we don’t make the same mistakes they have – in both the small matters and the big ones. They give us a powerful sense of our own mortality. Having my grandmother live with me for two years meant that I learnt to value and treasure each day of health and mobility – you may hate housework, but there might be a day when you wish you were well enough to do these things for yourself.

The blessing that elders bring to our homes are also invaluable: spending time engaged in dhikr (remembrance of Allah SWT), getting up for tahajjud (the night prayer). Spending time making dua for each and every one of their family members – what is there that comes close to a mothers supplications for her children?

Some of these things I will feel the loss of in our home, I am a little worried bout how I am going to manage, now that I have gotten so used to her being here. Mum-in-law is likely to be back in a few months inshaa’Allah (in time for a family wedding inshaa’Allah). In the meantime, I plan to let the laundry pile up, and the dishes, guilt-free...



Women who struggle in the way of Allah (‘azza wa jall) are referred to as ‘Mujaahidaat’. Usually ‘Jihaad’ is understood to mean an action done by men in the battlefield; although this is true, the linguistic meaning of Jihaad is not solely restricted to this. The term Jihaad comes from the term juhd, which means to strain, exert and take pains when doing something. Therefore, although a Sister is not religiously obliged to go and fight in the battlefield, she is nevertheless tested in different ways throughout her life for which she has to struggle and take great pains in order to fulfil the command of her Lord. In this way she is also practicing another kind of Jihaad… the Jihaad of and with the inner-self.

It will be no exaggeration to say that some sisters, especially those who are living with their brother-in-law (the Hamw), face a tremendous amount of hardship and difficulty in observing the Hijaab properly and safeguarding their modesty. For example: imagine how it must feel to have to cook in a hot kitchen with your brother-in-law walking in and out, especially on a hot day; or having to put on your Hijaab and Jilbaab (and the face-veil if a Sister wears one) whenever you need to go to the bathroom!! Imagine sitting quietly on the side, or better still in another room alone, as others in your in-laws mix freely, laughing, talking and having a nice time. Imagine the difficulties a sincere Sister would have to surmount in order to protect her modesty.

These are just some examples of the sort of struggles sisters go through on a daily basis; some have become accustomed to it, others struggle sometimes and some are going through much difficulty. May Allah (‘azza wa jall) ease the difficulties of all Sisters, raise their ranks and reward them abundantly in both this life and the next. Aameen.

A Sister who faces such a situation should continually ponder over and recite the following verse:

{Allah does not want to place you in difficulty, but He wants to purify you, and to complete His Favour to you that you may be thankful.}[1]

This verse shows us that the Prophet’s (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) advice pertaining to the brother-in-law isn’t to place difficulty on us, but to purify us and protect us. Any Muslim woman who allows this verse to penetrate into her heart will find herself keen to observe Hijaab and adhere to the limits set by her Lord. This is because she sees the bigger picture and knows that her striving and struggling will not go in vain, hence she works intelligently to overcome such difficult situations.

Obedience to Allah Alone

Remember dear Sister that there is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience to the Creator. If your husband does not support you in practicing caution around your brother-in-law then advise him with words full of wisdom, gentleness and intelligence. Have patience in doing this and if he changes and listens to you then Allah Willing your reward is with Allah, as you would have saved him from being prevented from Paradise. The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) said,

"The Duyooth will not enter the Jannah." [2]

When the Sahaabah asked about what ‘Duyooth’ means, the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) said:

“The one who does not care regarding whomsoever enters upon his ahl [the Arabs also refer to ahl as family and more specifically as the wife.].” [3]

Having said this, there is no doubt that there are many respected and revered Muslim Brothers who hold tight to their Deen and support their wife in her struggle to be an upright Muslim woman, but due to personal or financial reasons are unable to provide separate accommodation for their wife. In both cases a Muslim woman should try her utmost to exercise patience and persevere in the path of Taqwaa (Allah-consciousness).

We are Struggling towards our Lord


Dear Sister, when things become hard for you then remember that Allah (‘azza wa jall) says in the Qur’aan,

{Verily we have created man into toil and struggle.} [Surat al-Balad, verse 4]

Yes, all of us are toiling and struggling towards Allah (‘azza wa jall) and all of us will be and are being tested in some way or another.

The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) said, “A strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than a weak believer, and there is good in everyone, (but) cherish that which gives you benefit (in the Hereafter) and seek help from Allah and do not lose heart, and if anything (in the form of trouble) comes to you, don't say: ‘If I had not done that, it would not have happened so and so’, but say: ‘Allah did that what He had ordained to do’ and your "if" opens the (gate) for the Satan.”[4]

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle (peace be upon him) said, "The example of a believer is that of a fresh tender plant; from whatever direction the wind comes, it bends it, but when the wind becomes quiet, it becomes straight again. Similarly, a believer is afflicted with calamities (but he remains patient till Allah removes his difficulties). And an impious wicked person is like a pine tree which keeps hard and straight till Allah cuts (breaks) it down when He wishes." (See Hadith no. 558, vol. 9)

We must remember that the Paradise is surrounded with difficulties as the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) said: “When Allah created Paradise, He said to Gabriel: ‘Go and look at it’. He went and looked at it, then came and said: ‘O my Lord! By Thy might, no one who hears of it will fail to enter it.’ He [Allah, the Almighty] then surrounded it with disagreeable things, and said: ‘Go and look at it, Gabriel.’ He went and looked at it, then came and said: ‘O my Lord! By Thy might, I am afraid that no one will enter it.’

When Allah created Hell, He said: ‘Go and look at it, Gabriel.’ He went and looked at it, then came and said: ‘O my Lord! By Thy might, no one who hears of it will enter it.’ He [Allah, the Almighty] then surrounded it with desirable things and said: ‘Go and look at it, Gabriel.’ He went, looked at it, then came and said: ‘O my Lord! By Thy might and power, I am afraid that no one will remain who does not enter it.’” [5]

Indeed Allah tests us to see who is worthy of the Paradise,

{Do you think that you will enter the garden while Allah has not yet known those who strive hard from among you, and (He has not) known the patient.} (3:142)

{O you who believe! Be patient and excel in patience and remain steadfast, and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, that you may be successful.} (3:200)

{Surely the men who submit and the women who submit, and the believing men and the believing women, and the obeying men and the obeying women, and the truthful men and the truthful women, and the patient men and the patient women and the humble men and the humble women, and the almsgiving men and the almsgiving women, and the fasting men and the fasting women, and the men who guard their private parts and the women who guard their private parts, and the men who remember Allah much and the women who remember Allah much --- Allah has prepared for them forgiveness and a mighty reward.} (33:35)

The best of people were tested the most and indeed Allah loves the ones who show patience: {... and Allah loves the patient.} (3:146)

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “…Whoever remains patient, Allah will make him patient. Nobody can be given a blessing better and greater than patience." (Saheeh al Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 24, Number 548)

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said, "No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn." (Volume 7, Book 70, Number 544)

Narrated Anas bin Malik: Allah's Apostle sent for the Ansaar and gathered them in a tent and said to them, "Be patient till you meet Allah and His Apostle, and I will be on the lake-tank (Al-Kauthar)." (Volume 9, Book 93, Number 533)

Taqwaa: the Way Out

treepinkWhen `Umar bin Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) asked Ubayy bin Ka`b (may be pleased with him) about Taqwaa, Ubayy [may Allah be pleased with him] said,

"Have you ever walked on a path that has thorns on it?''

`Umar said, "Yes.'' Ubayy said, "What did you do then?'' He said,

"I rolled up my sleeves and struggled.'' Ubayy said, "That is Taqwaa.'' [6]

Dear Sister, this is the secret key by which Allah will make ease for you within any difficult situation, just as Allah (‘azza wa jall) said,

{And whosoever has Taqwaa of Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).}[7]

{And whosoever has Taqwaa of Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make his matter easy for him.}[8]

Other ways by which to keep strong is by reading the Qur’aan, imploring Allah to make your matter easy for you, mixing with righteous sisters, reading heart-softening books, articles and listening to Islamic lectures.

Let’s not forget to seek the help of Allah, beseech Him and call upon Him. Almighty Allah says:

“And your Lord said: Invoke Me [i.e. believe in My Oneness (Islamic Monotheism) and ask Me for anything] I will respond to your (invocation).” (Ghafir: 60)

{And seek help in patience and As-Salât (the prayer) and truly it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khâshi'ûn [i.e. the true believers in Allâh - those who obey Allâh with full submission, fear much from His Punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise, etc.) and in His Warnings (Hell, etc.)]. (They are those) who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.} [Suratul Baqarah, verses 45-46]

In Conclusion

niqab78So dear Sister, be strong and do not allow the criticism of those who do not understand Islamic segregation to bear heavily on your heart - be they from the closest, loved or most respected people in your eyes. What you are doing is not extreme, rather it is obedience to the command of Allah the Almighty. Be a Mujaahidah, strong for your Deen; strive for the pleasure of Allah, even if it necessitates the displeasure of others. For, soon the Angel of Death will visit us to take our souls up into the heavens, let’s hope to be of those to whom he will say,

“O good and peaceful soul, depart to Allah’s forgiveness and pleasure.”

My dear Sisters, the one who disobeys Allah and His Messenger (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) can only harm himself and cannot in any way harm Allah. The Messenger (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) said:

“All of my followers will enter the Paradise except those who refuse.” They said, “O Allah’s Messenger! Who will refuse?” He said, “Whoever obeys me will enter the Paradise, and whoever disobeys me is the one who refuses [to enter it].” [Saheeh al Bukhari]

Dear sister, despite your difficulty keep, as much as you can, your heart ever-observant with the Noble Prophet’s (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) words of caution: ‘The brother-in-law is death’. For,

{What is with you passes away and what is with Allah is enduring, and We will most certainly give to those who are patient their reward for the best of what they did.} (16:96)



[1] al-Maa'idah 5:6
[2] Saheeh: At-Tayaalsee has narrated it 1/89 and others
[3] With an authentic chain, this hadeeth has been related by Al Haadiz Al Mundhary. Also in an-Nasaai’, Ahmad, at-Tabaraani, Al Bayhaqi and Al Haakim.
[4] Muslim, Book 33, Hadith 6441
[5] Dawud, Book 40, Hadith 4726
[6] Ibn Katheer, volume one: under the tafseer of verse 2 of Suratul Baqarah.
[7] al-Talaaq 65:2-3
[8] al-Talaaq 65:4 Muslim woman must be wise and prudent in safeguarding her dignity and honour. Times are swiftly changing and a clever woman is she who protects herself and realises her high worth and dignity as a believer, even if she trusts the same men that the Shar’iah (chronicles of Islamic Law) has outlined as potential threats to her chastity and hereafter.

Today, when dressing immodestly has become the social norm and to speak out against it may adjudge you to be a social outcast, you – the Muslim woman – must stand strong against such vicious tides. You must remember that this realm is just a realm of test, a few days that are swiftly running out as every hour passes us. Dear Sister, declare war against such a progression, a “progression” which goes against the way of some of the best women this world has ever witnessed, the female Companions of the Noble Messenger (peace be upon him). The Qur’aan clearly mentions how Tabarruj (the analytical study of which is to follow shortly) is a thing of the past, an outdated, backward, ignorant and sub-human act!

{And do not tabbarrajna [display] yourselves like that of the times of ignorance…}[i]

Something that is an outdated act is now cloaked with the colour of modernism and progression. Yet, Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him) have clearly spoken out against Tabarruj and this is what we are now going to look into.


‘Lisaan al Arab’ is an excellent Arabic dictionary by Ibn Mundhur, used by scholars and laymen alike. In it one can find different meanings for the various derivates of root letters. It’s absolutely amazing to read, for it opens one’s mind up to how amazing the Arabic language you want to have a taste of it?

Well, let’s dive into the meaning of Tabarruj. Allah Willing, once you read it you’ll realise what it means to not do Tabarruj, in front of non-Mahrams generally and more specifically in front of the Hamuw (the brother-in-law), the one whom the Prophet (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) referred to as ‘death’ for the Muslim woman.

The term ‘tabarruj’ carries two basic meanings:

1. To display, show, make apparent, raised

  • Distance between eyebrows: This is why the distance between the eyebrows is called ‘al-Baraj’, because it is so apparent to all those who look towards the face of an individual.
  • Wide Eyes: The whiteness of which is very white and the blackness of which is very black. Such eyes can’t be missed and stand out from all other features in one’s face.
  • A Specific Genus of Stars: That’s why a specific genus of stars is referred to as ‘Burooj’, because it is 1) raised, 2) apparent for onlookers. This term is mentioned in the Qur’aan: {By the heaven, dhaatil burooj [holding the big stars]} [Al Burooj [85]:1]
  • High Buildings: ‘Barj’, the plural of which is ‘Burooj’ and ‘Abraaj’, means tower/ castle. This is because such high buildings can’t be missed, as they tower above the rest. As mentioned in the Qur’aan: {Wheresoever you may be, death will overtake you even if you are in buroojin mushayyidah (fortresses built up strong and high)} [An-Nisaa’ [4]:78]

THAT’s why ‘a woman’s playing up her charms’ (refer to Hans Wehr) comes under this meaning. Because she makes an outward and apparent show of her beauty, intentionally wanting others to look her way.

2. To adorn herself, make herself pretty

Ibn Mundhur writes in ‘Lisaan al Arab’ regarding the term ‘at-Tabarruj’:

‘The woman making her Zeenah and Mahaasin apparent to men.’  And: ‘To make apparent the Zeenah to strangers (li an-naas al-ajaanib), and that is blameworthy. But (if it’s done) for the husband then no (it’s not blameworthy).’

Ibn Mundhur quotes Abu Ishaaq, with regards to this verse, that:

‘making apparent the Zeenah and to Istadaa.’

In the above definitions three very important terms were used:

  1. Zeenah: embellishment, adornment, ornament, decoration.
  2. Mahaasin: (pl. of mahsanah) beauties, charms, attractions.
  3. Istadaa: to call, invoke, urge, incite, appeal, necessitate, make necessary or a requisite.

Having read this deep analysis of the term Tabarruj, I now want you to read the following verse again, but this time with deep thought and contemplation,

“And do not tabbarrajna [display] yourselves like that of the times of ignorance…”[ii]

Now, if you have a brother-in-law specifically and if you live or come in contact with any non-mahram generally, I want you to recall and ask yourself honestly whether you have ever partaken in the act of ‘Tabarruj’. If so, dear Sister, it is not too late to repent and mend your ways. But time is running out as death and the Day of Judgement are swiftly catching up with man. The narrations pertaining to the punishment for Tabarruj are severe indeed and we can’t afford to gain Allah’s (the Glorious and Mighty) Anger or Wrath, may Allah forgive us.

‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ood reported that the Prophet (sallallahu a’lyhi wa sallam) used to dislike ten kinds of behaviour and he (‘Abdullah) mentioned that one of them was:

“Tabarruj by means of displaying beautification in an improper place.”[iii]

When the Companion Mu’aawiyyah (may Allah be pleased with him) gave a sermon in Hums (Syria), he mentioned that the Prophet (sallallahu a’lyhi wa sallam) prohibited seven things, one of which was Tabarruj.[iv]

jilbabwalk Umaymah, the daughter of Ruqayyah, came to the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) to acknowledge the message of Islaam and that Muhammad (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) is the Messenger of Allah (‘azza wa jall). The Prophet (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) said to her: “I give you my acknowledgement that you must not set partners to worship besides Allah and…that you don’t commit any falsehood by your hands and between your legs… and that you don’t make Tabarruj like that of the time of ignorance.”[v]

The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alyhi wa sallam) said: “… The most evil of your women are the Mutabarrijaat (those who do Tabarruj), the Mutakhayalaat (those who strut/swagger), and they are the hypocritical ones. Those who enter the Jannah (in number) are like the Cough Crow.”[vi] The Cough Crow has a red beak and red legs. This is an expression of metonymy indicating that few from the likes of these women enter heaven because this kind of crow is rare.

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) said, “Of the people of hell there are two types whom I have never seen: The one possessing whips like the tail of an ox and they flog people with them. The second one, women who would be naked in spite of their being dressed, who are seduced [to wrong paths] and seduce others with their hair high like humps. These women would not get into the Paradise and they would not perceive its odour, although its fragrance can be perceived from such and such distance.”[vii]

The Prophet (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) said, “There shall be, in the latter part of my nation, women who are dressed but [in fact] naked, on their heads are humps like those of Bukht [a specific kind of camel], curse them for they are surely cursed.” [Al-Mu’jam as-Sagheer by Imaam at-Tabarani p.232] The scholars say that the Prophet (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam), in this hadeeth, is referring to women who wear tight clothes that shows off the shape of the body. In reality they are naked although they have clothes on them!

The Prophet (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) also said: “The parable of a woman who moves with slow sweeping motion, trailing her beautified clothes, performing not for her husband, is like darkness on the day of Judgement; she has (or comes with) no light.” [At-Tirmidhi: the hadeeth is weak but the meaning is correct]

The Prophet (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) said, “Any woman who takes off her clothes in other than her husband’s home (for an unlawful purpose), has broken the shield between her and Allah.” [Musnad Imaam Ahmad and in the Mustadrak of Imaam al-Haakim]

The scholars explain that what the Prophet (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) is referring to is any woman who shows off her beauty to strangers by taking off her shield of clothes. She ‘has broken this shield between her and Allah’ because Allah says:

{O ye Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover your shame, as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness - that is the best.} [Al–A’raaf [7]:26]

Therefore, if a woman does not fear Allah (‘azza wa jall) and uncovers that which Allah has commanded her to cover, then she is breaking the shield between her and Allah, the Most High. Also, by uncovering and dishonouring herself she is in fact cheating and committing a treason with her husband, for marriage is a contract to be faithful to one another and one of the ways a Muslim woman is faithful to her husband is by means of safeguarding her beauty and ornaments for his eyes alone.

Allah refers to the commitment made to the institution of marriage as a meethaaqan ghaleedhaa (a solemn contract), a term otherwise used only in relation to the covenant between Allah and the Prophets [see Q 33:7].

Whether or not we are supported by our husbands, and whether or not they themselves understand the gravity of this solemn contract, we must comply, for our standing and questioning will be in front of our Lord alone. In our graves there will be no other, and when death approaches us, such difficulties will seem trivial and the relief will be, Allah Willing, magnanimous.

Dear Sister, a storm always settles down sooner or later. It may seem hard to begin covering properly and according to the Shar’iah (Islamic law) but soon Allah will turn hardship into ease.

{So verily, with the hardship, there is relief.

Verily, with the hardship, there is relief

(i.e. there is one hardship with two reliefs, so one hardship cannot overcome two reliefs).}

(Surah 94, Verses 5-6)

[i] Surah al Ahzaab [33]:33
[ii] Surah al Ahzaab [33]:33
[iii] An-Nisaaee 8/141
[iv] Musnad Imaam Ahmad 4/101
[v] Musnad Imaam Ahmad 2/196
[vi] Al Bayaqi
[vii] Saheeh Muslim


tearsA Muslim woman should understand that differences are human nature; human beings are not all the same in terms of attitude, religious commitment, reasoning and behaviour. You should also pay attention to the fact that when a person grows older, their reasoning diminishes and they become childlike in many ways.

A Muslim woman should also remember that you are dealing with your husband’s mother, and sometimes mothers-in-law feel as jealous of their sons’ wives as they would of a co-wife.

If you pay attention to all of the above, then your problems will begin to seem insignificant and your worry will be dispelled. What you are suffering from is something that many women suffer from, and it needs two important things: patience and wisdom.

Therefore, bear with patience whatever you see and hear from your husband’s family, and be wise in your dealings with them, especially with your husband’s mother. For, by means of your wisdom you will be able to avoid many problems and you will earn their approval or at least put a stop to their ill will towards you; and you will also win your husband’s heart and please him.

Wisdom in your dealings with your husband’s mother means that you must speak nicely to her, praise her, pray for her, respond to her requests and be more concerned about her than she is herself, if she takes medicine, for example, or she has an appointment to visit a doctor. Gifts also play a major role in softening her heart and changing the way she deals with you.

But it should also be noted that you are not obliged to serve her or take care of her in the sense of it being an Islamic obligation. What you are doing is something that is mustahabb (recommended) and is liked in Islaam, and it is also kindness towards your husband. Perhaps if she realises that you are doing something that is not obligatory upon you in Sharee’ah (Islamic Law), and your husband realises that also, this will elevate your status in their eyes.

dawn17This does not mean that you should go along with any of the mother-in-law's bad traits and actions, such as in gheebah (backbiting). Rather, for example, you should advise her to stop eating the flesh of people by backbiting them. If she stops, that will be better for her, and you will be rewarded for it, but if she continues and does not pay attention, then it is not permissible for you to sit with her when she is backbiting about others. Rather you must leave her company and your doing this may play a role in her stopping backbiting. It is not sufficient for you to denounce it in your heart in this case, because you aren't forced to sit there listening to her ill-talk. You should understand that if you stay with her when she is doing that, then you are a partner with her in the sin of backbiting.

The wise and intelligent Muslim woman weighs things against the standards of Sharee'ah, and gives each person who is entitled to rights his or her due.

We know how difficult it is to live separately in many cases, especially in current circumstances when finding suitable accommodation, especially in the big cities, is very difficult to achieve. In this case the man must look at his circumstances in general with an open mind, so that he will not make things difficult for himself or for the people around him. Allaah has decreed proficiency in all things.

We ask Allaah to guide us all and set the affairs of all Sisters straight, and to make all Muslims have a happy family in this world and in the Hereafter.


pinkgreenSome mothers in-law have an unintended and uncontrollable feeling of rejection and resentment towards their daughters in-law. This could be caused by one of the following three reasons:

First: The eldest son is a source of compassion and love which mothers benefit from, especially at old age; therefore, they would not have good feelings towards those whom they think would deprive them from such a source.

Second: The mother, who has spent her entire life raising and caring for her children, finds it difficult to accept that the daughter in-law, who has never shouldered such responsibilities, is able to properly care for her son.

Third: The mother in-law could have different values, principles or even ideologies from the daughter in-law. She believes that she can never be wrong.

Some mothers in-law suffer from grief and depression due to differences and disputes with their daughters in-law. The daughter in-law may treat her badly, neglect her, and even keep the grandchildren away from her; this is compounded when the mother in-law is a widow and her children mean everything to her.

Most mothers are pleased by something as minor as a kind word being said to them; this is because they require special care, as their lives are empty due to the loneliness they feel, which makes them think that they have no use in life. Therefore, it is especially important that their children are merciful and understanding towards them; they should make them feel important and involve them in certain matters and decisions, in order to make them feel that their opinion is important, and that they are valued and needed.

How can a wife win the pleasure of her mother in-law?

  • By using kind words when talking to her. Allaah (the Most High) says (what means): “Have you not considered how Allaah presents an example, [making] a good word like a good tree, whose root is firmly fixed and its branches [high] in the sky? It produces fruit all the time, by permission of its Lord. And Allaah presents examples for the people that perhaps they will be reminded.” [Qur'aan 14: 24-25]
  • By obeying her and dealing with her as if she is her own daughter. 'Aa’ishah reported that the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, "Whenever forbearance is added to anything, it adorns it; and whenever it is withdrawn from something, it leaves it defective.'' [Muslim]
  • By gifting her. Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, “Exchange gifts; you would thereby remove hatred towards one another; and never belittle any gift you give your neighbour, even if it is (something as minor as) the hoof of a sheep.” [At-Tirmithi]·
  • By treating her kindly, just as she would to her own mother. The wife should have tolerance towards her mother in-law, especially during the first months of the marriage, until she wins her pleasure and therefore becomes one of those who are beloved to her mother in-law - and this would make the entire family love her as well.

A wife should fear Allaah, lest she becomes a cause for her husband to be undutiful to his parents.

How can the mother-in-law win the pleasure of her daughter in-law?

Mflower-tulip-water-drop2any mothers in-law treat their daughters in-law just as they treat their own daughters, and are very supportive towards them and their new life; this is because the daughter in-law is not only the wife of her son, but is also the future mother of her grandchildren, who are usually dearer to the grandparents than their own children.

On the other hand, there are many cases where the new wife is regarded as the personal property of the mother in-law, but why? In many traditions, the wife is dealt with as the property of her husband, and since the son is the property of his parents, then it follows that the ownership of the wife is in the hands of her in-laws, and this is a very dangerous predicament.

The mother plays a very sensitive role in the life of her children; a single incorrect move on her part could cause her children's lives to turn into intolerable misery. On the other hand, an affectionate touch from the mother could render her son’s household into heaven. The following are some things a mother in-law could do to win the pleasure of her daughter in-law:

  • Express joy upon seeing her. Some mothers in-law show so much happiness at seeing their daughters in-law that it causes the latter to forget about all their problems.
  • Treat her as her own daughter. If she deals with her with a motherly touch, the mother in-law would win the heart of her daughter in-law.
  • If her son were to ever wrong his wife, she would advise him and encourage him to rectify all the problems that have occurred, as well as be kind to her.
  • If the son is married to more than one woman, his mother should treat them all similarly and love them equally, exactly as she would treat her own daughters.
  • If any dispute takes place between her own daughter and her daughter in-law, she should side with her daughter in-law and say to her daughter in private, “You are my own daughter, but she is a stranger who has no one to support her.”

This behaviour is exhibited by an ideal mother in-law, one who fears Allaah and seeks to make her son’s house a happy one, and who seeks to strengthen the relationship between her and her daughter in-law.


clouds3I distinctly remember before getting married, I was willing to put up with anything, except living with in-laws.  It seems selfish and harsh, but that was the case, as it is with so many other women going into marriage.  Why is this so?  Why are we taught to think that the in-laws will be our worst enemies?

Wherever we look, whether it is in the movies or on popular TV sitcoms, the in-laws are made fun of, they show that never can anyone have a peaceful relationship with their in-laws.  But, is this really the case?  Can we actually have a beneficial relationship or even friendship with our in-laws?

I, like most other women, have had issues with my in-laws.  Most of these issues have to do with my space, housework, and raising children.  When it comes down to it, I have this notion that my in-laws will disapprove of whatever I am doing.  However, what I have come to learn is that most of it is in my head.  Sure, my father in-law has plenty to say about food and my cooking at times, but does that really matter?  And my mother in-law always has to put in her two cents about raising the children, but she is only trying to be helpful. 

Certainly, there are cases of in-laws being totally unfair and having unrealistic expectations for their daughter in-law, but I am sure that this is not the norm.  I think that we as women go into the marriage with negative notions of how the in-laws are going to be and react. We are taught that we need to have our own space and should do things our way in our households with our husbands. 

However, Islamicially speaking, is this any way to think of your husband’s parents? Surely, the same respect should be given to them as our own parents. 

Most of the time, seemingly little things can turn into heated arguments, or are just turn into a big deal. Here are some examples:

  • Your in-laws are coming over for the weekend. You put up a fit and start getting stressed out. So, what is the big deal?  It’s only for a weekend, and then they will depart.  Surely, you can be civil, patient and hospitable for a weekend.
  • Your father in-law makes a remark about your cooking. Of course, you are offended, but how would you react if your father made the same comment? It wouldn’t matter as much. So, try to look at this in the same light.
  • Your mother in-law tries to tell you how to raise your kids…again! This is going to happen, whether you like it or not. You know how you want to raise your kids, so just listen, say thankyou and then do it the way you think is best.  However, it is important to note that many times there is a lot of wisdom behind what they are saying, so at least hear them out.
  • Your in-laws prefer that you call them everyday. However, you find this difficult to do, with your busy schedule.  Whenever you call, you have to hear an earful from them. The best thing to do is to try and call more often, and whenever you can't, just apologize.
  • There is a wedding in the family and you are expected to do certain things or dress a certain way, etc. As long as you are not doing something against Islaam, try to be patient and go along with what they are saying. After all, it won’t kill you.
  • Every time your in-laws spend time with your children, they feed them candy, and plenty of it! This is a tough situation. You don’t want to offend your in-laws, but at the same time, you don’t want your kids to have tooth decay! I have found the best way is to let your husband deal with it. If that fails, then take your in-laws aside and explain to them gently how you feel. If it still continues, then a little candy every time they visit can’t be that bad for the children.
  • You make the horrible mistake of having an argument with your husband in front of your in-laws. Don’t ever make this mistake again. It is easy for you and your husband to forgive and forget, but much more difficult for your in-laws.
  • Every time you try to discipline your children, your in-laws jump in and rescue them. Although this is very frustrating, you must accept the reality that grandparents are there to spoil your children. Just let it go. If it does get to the point that you really can’t handle it and find yourself getting stressed out, then have a talk with your in-laws about it.
  • No matter how hard you try, you just cannot be yourself around your in-laws. The only person who can change this, and start to have a real relationship with them, is you. Once you start opening up and spending more time with them, they will no longer be the enemy, but more like a parent or friend to you.

1270015318-P2G5HG7We have to remember that the relationship with our in-laws is like any other. The more we put into it, the more we will get out of it. And, as Muslim Women, we should know that Jannah (Paradise) is more attainable for us, if our husbands are happy. One way to keep our husbands happy, is to have a good relationship with their families. And, if it’s not possible to do that, then at least be kind to them and have some patience with them.

Just like other Muslims, our in-laws are also our fellow Muslim brothers and sisters. We must love one another if we want to attain Jannah, as is stated in the following hadeeth (Prophetic Narration),

“You will not enter paradise until you have faith and you will not complete your faith until you love one another.” (Saheeh Muslim)

May Allah (swt) make our relationships with our in-laws beneficial, in this life and the hereafter! Aameen.


photos-of-Cloud-Break-Columbus-Indiana-picturesA world at war! No doubt George Bush has propelled himself to the top of the Most Famous Villain of All Times list. But for some women, Georgie Boy takes second place. So who is more villainous than villainy itself? You've guessed it! First prize for the Most Famous Villain of All Times award goes to none other than the Oscar-winning Frankenstein's monster impersonator — The Indian mother-in-law.

She's mean, even spiteful; finicky to the point of allowing the kitchen tap to face one direction only. She loves her sport (especially the kind that involves a screaming match between you and hubby); she's the unrelenting captain of the ship.

Why, even your father-in-law quivers in his boots each time she bellows.

She's nosy, sometimes snoopy; in fact Inspector Gadget could take some pointers from the skillful manner in which she searches your cupboards and interrogates your children in order to extract "classified information." She tells you how to pack your fridge, look after your children, cook a curry (even without you asking).

She is jealous when her son buys you a gift.  She competes for your husband's attention and will do anything to ensure that Mummy's Little Boy never cuts those apron strings. She’s mortified by the thought of you receiving a compliment. Compliment you herself? Why, Doomsday is closer!

No one would dare breathe a word about the stunning meal you have prepared without expecting a disparaging remark from her acid tongue. Even though you know that she'll never whip up a spaghetti bolognaise to rival yours, no matter what you do to convince her otherwise, she's determined to believe that you are clueless. "Can't cook, can't bake, is lazy, and can't look after her children (her son/your husband)." And then - even though she may never say as much to you, she certainly goes out of the way to give that impression.

Oh yes, lest I forget, her my-way-or-the-highway policy is nonnegotiable and she is prone to referring to you as "she," almost as though your own mother was negligent in her duty of giving you a name.

Now, STOP! Before you run off to my mum-in-law and tell her that i've called her Frankenstein's monster, understand that most of what you have been reading is very much tongue-in-cheek; although the crimes attributed to mothers-in-law are very real grievances aired by one too many daughters-in-law. And yes, dear mother-in-law, I know your son's wife is no angel, but does it really always have to be this way? Is there potential for peace in a situation that for far too many families is just too volatile? Is there a hope that somehow, just somehow, we may be able to enjoy Peace in Our Times? Hope on the Horizon - Certainly, Naseema, the mother-in-law of two "good daughters-in-law" (as she calls them), believes that there is hope, something that she has most ably demonstrated.

Naseema and her sons' wives enjoy a relationship that is as mutually rewarding as it is peaceful. They maintain a healthy respect for one another, and Naseema is determined to ensure it remains that way. But how does she do it? What is her secret? Here is her advice.    

leavesgreenwater1. Think Before You Speak. What you can say to your own daughter you cannot possibly say to your daughter-in-law. Your own daughter will be comfortable telling you when you're wrong, but a daughter-in-law might be offended and unable to say so. Sometimes even a wrong word, however innocent it may have been intended, can cause misunderstandings and problems. It's a very delicate situation. I always maintain that a daughter-in-law is someone else's daughter. She needs to be treated very well.

2. Never Discuss Your Daughter-in-Law With Your Sister or Best Friend. My sister always says that if something can't stay in your mouth, don't expect it to stay in someone else's. Discussing them with others is just looking for problems. Always ensure that if there is a problem with your daughter-in-law or any of your own children, speak to the person concerned, rather than discussing it with others. Good communication is a must.

3. Learn From Your Mistakes. If you have said something that created a problem, make sure that you never repeat it. Even though I've never had a problem with any of my daughters-in-law, I can't afford to do so, either, because we all live together and are all together in one business. I definitely wouldn't want to upset my sons.

4. Be Simple. Unless you as a mother-in-law are perfect, don't expect your daughter-in-law to be. Don't be unnecessarily fussy about things that aren't life-and-death matters.

5. Be Honest and Generous With Praise. Everyone needs to be told when they are doing a good job. We all need to feel appreciated.

6. Never Drag Your Daughter-in-Law Into a Disagreement Between You and Your Son (Her Husband). It really is not her problem, and there's no reason to force a fight from her in a situation that she was not a part of in the first place.

The recipe for success? Whatever the case may be, it works for Naseema. So give it a whirl; it may just work for you too. And maybe, just maybe, the civil wars that are tearing so many homes apart will end, and abodes will truly become the sources of sakeenah (tranquility and peave) that Allah intended them to be.

“Do not make your houses into graves. The Shaytaan flees from a house in which Surat al-Baqarah is recited."

(Saheeh Muslim 1 # 539)


treesdeepinthoughtOne of the ways in which a wife expresses her respect towards her husband is by honouring and respecting his mother.

The Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion knows that the person who has the greatest right over a man is his mother, as one notes in many Prophetic Narrations, such as, ‘Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) asked the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), “Who has the greatest rights over a woman?” He said, “Her husband.” She asked, "And who has the greatest rights over a man?” He said, “His mother.” (Reported by al-Bazzar with a hasan [good] isnaad [chain].)

Therefore, a Muslim woman helps her husband honour and respect his mother, by also honouring and respecting her mother-in-law. In this way she will do herself and her husband a favour, as she will be helping him to do good deeds and fear Allah (the Most High), as commanded by Him in the Qur'aan.

At the same time, she will endear herself to her husband, who will appreciate her honour and respect towards his family in general, and towards his mother in particular. Nothing could please a decent, righteous and respectful man more than seeing strong ties of love and respect between his wife and his family, and nothing could be more hateful to a decent man than to see those ties destroyed by the forces of evil, hatred and conspiracy. The Muslim family which is guided by faith in Allah (the Most High) and follows the pure teachings of Islaam is unlikely to fall into the trap of such jaahili (ignorant) behaviour, which usually flourishes in communities today.

A Muslim wife may find herself being tested by her mother-in-law and other in-laws, if they are not of good character. If such is the case, she is obliged and would be meritorious to treat them in the best way possible, which requires a great deal of cleverness, courtesy, diplomacy and repelling evil with that which is better. Thus she will maintain a balance between her relationship with her in-laws and her relationship with her husband, and she will protect herself and her marriage from any adverse effects that may result from the lack of such a balance.

Source: The Ideal Muslimah by Dr. Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi.


scenerynew11Poison Your Mother-in-Law...

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticised Li-Li constantly.

Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish.

All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.

Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all. Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said,

"Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."

Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."

Mr.Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.

He told Li-Li,

"You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."

Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

natural-scenery-20Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother. After six months had passed, the whole household had changed.

Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head.

"Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitimans to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."


explosionIt's a syndrome that we daughters-in-laws all suffer from at times. Disastrous is exactly what it is, for it obstructs peace and harmony in every family where the daughter-in-law manifests symptoms. For some of us it's a passing phase, like passing from adolescence to adulthood, while for others adulthood never comes, so the syndrome becomes chronic and general unhappiness is always the result thereof.

Because I received a fair amount of flak after publishing "Advice to the Mother-in-Law" last month and had a good many daughters-in-law smiling benignly at their mothers-in-law when they shrewdly showed them the article, I felt a crying need to explore the other side of the coin.

"My Parents Are Better than Yours"

And what exactly is this "Disastrous Daughter-in-Law Syndrome" that I have just referred to?  It starts with a belief that your in-laws are never good. Quite honestly, there is nothing good in them at all. You're always comparing them to your own parents, loudly and always in the presence of their son, with the express purpose of showing him just how inadequate his parents really are. You make a huge fuss of anything your parents give to you or your children, and even though you never vocalize it, the underlying meaning is "See, my parents love the children more than yours do!" If your in-laws send a gift, your comments are usually anything but kind. You would gladly empty your entire house for your own parents, but if your in-laws request anything from their son, you get angry. It's an ongoing competition. My parents are better than yours; my brother is handsomer than yours; my sisters bake better than yours; my cousins are friendlier than yours; my mother's house is cleaner than your mother's house; our children love my parents more than they do yours; my mother's cat is prettier than your mother's cat, and so on."Annoying, isn't it?" That's probably what most husbands would say.

Depending on how fiercely loyal your husband is to his family, the results of this continuous battle will vary. Some men eventually succumb. They declare a cease-fire, promise never to mention anything good about their parents ever after, and are only too glad to spend every weekend thereafter at your parents' place, visiting their own parents only once every two months. For other men, such behavior becomes an open declaration of war. They begin to keep you and the children away from your parents and insist that you spend every weekend thereafter at their parents' place, much to your ire.

So is there a solution?

Well, this is my well-tried remedy that has worked for me. The rules are as follows:

1. Grow up. Such behavior is decidedly immature.

2. Accept your in-laws. You have them to thank for the wonderful man who has become your life partner.

3. Praise them often in the presence of your husband, family, and friends. For that which they deserve (no lies ofcourse). That way, even though you haven't grown to like them as of yet, you will in time.

4. Realize that they are also humans. They have their faults. You would never disown your parents for their flaws, so how can you expect the same from your husband's parents?

5. Lower your expectations. As much as you might feel that marriage is a huge adjustment for you, having their son married is an adjustment for them, too. Their son no longer belongs exclusively to them. You all will now have to learn to share.

6. Treat them respectfully. A bad word creates a permanent rift.

7. Be thankful, rather than jealous, when your children show them love. Would you deprive your own children of the love of their grandparents, confining them only to the love of your own parents because of jealousy? How would you feel if your brother's wife did the same with your own parents?

8. Do all you can to make them feel at home when they come by for a visit. You would do the same for your own parents, no doubt.

9. Never speak ill of them in the presence of your children. If they have overstepped their boundaries, discuss this in private with your husband.

10. Never drag your husband into an argument between your mother-in-law and yourself. By doing this, you place your husband in a very precarious position. Should you have any issue you need to address with your mother-in-law, do so in a respectful manner. By holding mature adult discussions, an amicable agreement can be reached.

11. Instead of demanding, be a giver. Always remember that it is sheer folly to always go around demanding that your rights be fulfilled. Rather, concentrate on fulfilling the rights of others. In so doing, you will find that those around you will automatically begin to fulfill your rights.

12. Recompense comes from Allah. Give and give and don't ever expect something in return. Always remember that the best recompense is always from Allah, the Almighty. Allah says, "And what is the reward of good except good?" (Ar-Rahmaan 55:60)

Now, mother-in-law, pick up that phone and call your daughter-in-law. It's time to get your own back. Provided, of course, that you took the advice for mothers-in-law given the last time around. often hear of problems that occur between women and their mothers in-law. There are many factors that contribute to the bitter relationship that some women have with their mothers in-law; some of which, are:

Lack of respect: Respect for others is a fine quality to possess; it is never that it is practiced between people except that love and harmony will engulf them. Islaam has commanded the young to show respect towards their elders, and thus, respecting one's mother in-law is a must. This is due to the fact that not only is she an elder, but also because she was the reason for the daughter in-law's husband being present in this world, as it was her who delivered him.

The daughter in-law must realise that she will eventually become a mother, and if it is of a son, then he will eventually marry, and she will therefore become a mother in-law who would long for respect from her daughter in-law. 'Amr ibn Shuayb narrated on the authority of his father that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, "He is not one of us who shows no mercy to (our) younger ones, and does not acknowledge the honour due to our elders." (At-Tirmithi & Abu Daawood)

Expressing enmity: There is another type of daughter in-law who deals with her mother in-law, from day one, as if she is her worst enemy. This could be due to the incorrect manner in which the daughter in-law was brought up, or to the repeated warnings that her own mother, the society and the media gave her regarding her future mother in-law before she got married.

Based on this, the wife would exert all efforts to make her husband hate his mother and brothers and sisters; she may even invent events that never took place, or exaggerate in relating ones that did; she may frequently make false accusations about her husband's mother and brothers and sisters until she succeeds in forcing him to leave his mother’s house and live with her, alone.

Such a life is a poisoned one, and one which contains many problems. Haarithah ibn Wahb reported: “I heard the Messenger of Allaah saying, “Shall I not inform you about the inmates of Hell? They are every violent, disrespectful and proud person."" (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim)

The husband returns from work to see his evil wife crying, so he asks her why, but she only continues crying, so that she will attain the best effect. The husband insists on knowing why, so the wife finally answers, in a very disrespectful tone, “It is either me or your mother in this house!” The husband wants to know what the problem is, “What happened?” he asks, but she begins crying again; the husband asks again, “Please explain to me what happened.” Finally, the wife says, “Your mother bad-mouthed me, and then your sisters gathered around me and insulted me.” Due to the husband being enslaved to his wife, he is enraged, and without even bothering to ascertain if his wife's statement is true, he goes off in a storm, and screams at his mother and sisters; he forgets the rank of his mother, and that Allaah parallels respect of her to Islaamic monotheism when He says (what means), “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as]: 'uff' [i.e., an expression of disapproval or irritation] and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, 'My Lord! Have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'" (Quran 17: 23-24)

The Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, “The pleasure of Allaah is in pleasing one's parents, and His wrath is in displeasing them.”

Severing ties: Some daughters in-law sever ties with their mothers in-law and never visit, or even have anything to do with them. Such daughters in-law ruin their relationships with their mothers in-law. The mother in-law is human, and would therefore wish that her daughter in-law would treat her as a mother; she would not like to be given the cold shoulder.

In some cases however, the daughter in-law is not evil, but she may be unaware of some of the etiquettes of how to deal with her mother in-law. The daughter in-law who severs ties with her mother in-law causes her husband to abandon his mother and sever his ties with her; thus, such a wife becomes the reason behind his undutifulness towards his mother.

3d-landscape_f7364d61Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, "Allaah created all (His) creation, and when He finished the task of His creation, Ar-Rahm (i.e., ties with kinfolk) said: `(O Allaah)! At this place I seek refuge with You from my ties being severed.' Allaah replied: `Would you be content that I treat with kindness those who treat you with kindness, and sever ties with those who sever your ties?' It said: `I am satisfied.' So Allaah said, `Then this is yours.' This is to inform us that Allaah has granted these ties a high rank: that of one who took refuge in Him and was granted it; and one who is taken into the protection of Allaah will certainly never be forsaken." (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim)

Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah  be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! - He whose parents, one or both of them, attain old age during his lifetime, but he does not enter Paradise (by being dutiful to them)." (Muslim)

On the other hand, the causes of the bad relationship can be on the part of the mother in-law herself, such as: Being harsh with the daughter in-law: Some mothers in-law are very harsh towards their daughters in-law, and also encourage their sons to treat their wives badly. Abu Hurayrah reported, “I heard Abu Al-Qaasim (i.e., the Prophet) say: "The miserable one is the only one whose heart is deprived from mercy." (At-Tirmithi)

Being jealous of the daughter in-law: Why do some mothers in-law love their sons while despising their daughters in-law? Psychiatrists say that this results from jealousy. It is natural for women to be jealous, but added to this is the fact that the mother feels that this daughter in-law has shared her son with her and taken him away from her control; therefore, a competition arises. This is especially so if the mother’s only provider and supporter is this son, because his role could have been that of the father in taking care of the affairs of the household and being his mother's protector, so the mother would feel that she has lost such an important son to her daughter in-law.

Some mothers become jealous seeing their sons happy and enjoying life with their wives; if the daughter in-law were to ever complain to her about any problem that might occur with the son, she would never support her; rather, she would side with her son, even if he was the one at fault; moreover, she would humiliate his wife.

Sometimes, the wife could be doing all she can in order to please the mother in-law; she may speak kindly to her, give her gifts, and treat her with respect, but, the mother in-law would always be striving to create problems, as she feels that she would otherwise lose her son.

In this case a sister is advised to be patient and ask Allah (the Glorious, the Mighty) to ease her situation. She should be wise and forbearing and if possible consult her husband without causing ill-feelings in his heart for his mother.


59005-7art_sun_and_moon_screensaver_desktop_themes___wallpaperThe Third is Satan:

May Allah ('azza wa jall) shower His peace and blessings on our Beloved Nabi (sallallahu a’lyhi wa sallam), for by his words Allah ('azza wa jall) brought to light much of what is hidden from our vision, bringing us from the darkness of ignorance towards the illuminating light of knowledge. Allah ('azza wa jall) says, “Allah is the Walee [Friend and Protector] of those who have faith: from the depths of darkness He will lead them forth into light.” (Al-Baqarah [2]:257)

One such example is when the Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) stated in clear and well-defined words that satan lurks around two non-mahrams when they are alone together and out of sight, trying to seduce them into wrongdoing by means of evil insinuations,

"Whenever a man is alone with a woman, the devil is the third."(At-Tirmidhi 3118)

Indeed the Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) was al-Ameen (the trustworthy) and all of his ahaadeeth are a testimony to this fact. Innumerable examples in the past – and even more so today - expose and reveal the grave evil effects that seclusion with the opposite sex has brought and brings about. In the Qur’aan we find that Allah ('azza wa jall) refers to Satan as "al-Khannaas," (Surah an-Naas [114]:4) which means ‘the one who withdraws’, because he whispers in the hearts and then retreats. The Prophet’s (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) Companion Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) said,

The devil is squatting (perched) upon the heart of the Son of Adam. So when he becomes absent-minded and heedless he whispers…” (Ibn Katheer, tafseer Surah an-Naas)

The Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) therefore commanded, “No man should enter into the presence of a woman after this day unless he is accompanied by one or two other men."(Saheeh Muslim)

This is because when a non-mahram man is alone with a woman, satan becomes jubilant and dives into their heart trying his utmost to destroy them in this life and the next. Therefore, the Prophet’s (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) words are indeed an invaluable advice of wisdom which act as a safe and easy exit from that which can wreck one’s peace of mind, destroy homes, and cause great depression and sadness. A wise and prudent woman should - with her heart, mind and soul - adhere to the command of the Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). For example, in a situation in which a Muslim woman’s husband has gone abroad or on a distant journey, leaving her brother-in-law to take care of her and the children, then she must never be alone with him at night and she must abide by the Islaamic etiquettes. The Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) has said, “No person should spend the night with a married woman, except that he is married to her or he is her mahram." (Muslim)

Fast-Moving Technology

The fast-moving technology, which is implanting itself firmly within Muslim households, brings innumerable benefits as well as evil perils. This is because, undoubtedly, satan is using the likes of the television and internet as tools by which he can trap his prey. We, as Muslim women, must research, learn and teach others the etiquette of using the internet, television, house phones, mobiles phones and other such means of communication. This is because when two non-mahrams are conversing by means of chatting, email, mobile, etc, and no one else, who has faith and is islaamically orientated, is reading (for e.g, by being sent a copy of the email) or listening to the conversation, then this is also a kind of seclusion - as there is no third person. That’s why sisters should be careful and prudent when utilizing these methods of communication.

As Muslim women we must take the utmost care of our honour – we must strive to be of the muttaqoon (those who fear Allah ['azza wa jall]), as Allah ('azza wa jall) has, in many places, commended the people who have taqwaa. What can be greater than Allah’s (azza wa jall) love for the human being?! My Dear Sisters,

{Certainly, Allah loves the Muttaqeen...} (At-Tawbah [9]:4)

Therefore, we must take the utmost care when walking upon the straight path and be ever-vigilant of dangers that lurk upon the crooked paths which take one off the Siraatul Mustaqeem (straight path) unto the path of the hell-fire. The Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) has said,

“Allah describes the parable of the Siraatul Mustaqeem (straight path): The path is walled on both sides with open exit points throughout the wall. Veils are draped over these exits. At the beginning of the path a herald announces, “Remain on the road and do not deviate.” Whenever a person intends to open a veil, an announcer above the first herald calls out, “Woe unto you, do not move the veil, for if you move the veil you will enter through it.” Then Rasoolullah (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) explained the parable, “The path is Islam. The open exits are the prohibitions of Allah. The draped veils are the limits/boundaries set by Allah. The herald at the beginning of the road is the Qur’aan. The announcer above him is the advisor that Allah placed in the heart of every Believer." (Mishkaat)

That is why a Muslim woman is advised to try her utmost not to exchange her mobile number and email address with her brother-in-law so as to avoid any possible fitnah arising between them by means of this outlet which may give way to unrestricted communication. As for one’s house phone, then the usage of it in most cases is more general and not restricted to the usage of a s ingle individual, so in most cases other members of the household can attend to the house-line. If a Muslim woman has the chance to give preference to her mahram in picking up the phone over herself, then alhamdulillah, and may Allah ('azza wa jall) bless such a sister for her taqwaa and prudence. Women in the past, when men would come or call out from the door, would give preference to their husbands to answer (although the phone bell is different from the door bell, yet they both share something in common: it is a means by which a person is trying to establish communication with another). But if she does pick it up – as women u sually have to – then she should speak politely yet to the point, without laughing, softening her voice or being intimate, so as to cut off any avenues that may bring about temptation or evil for either party concerned and also to safeguard herself from the evil that satan may try to bring about, such as suspicion being levied upon her in any way or form.

These are just guidelines that the prudent believing woman should strive and be keen to implement in her life out of taqwaa and love for Allah ('azza wa jall) and His Rasool (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). She should be careful and exert all her efforts to make sure that she is never alone with her brother-in-law in any situation or circumstance….

Sisters, let satan not think he's right

When he promised Allah, the Lord of Might

That he will lead us astray and prove himself right

Adhere to the words of the Prophet and hold them tight

For satan loves to see you with a man who has over you no right

Alone, secluded, and out of sight.


shineflowerOne of the signs of a flowers life and well-being is the beautiful scent that emanates from it; in the same way the modesty which emanates from the Muslim Woman is a sign of the life of her eeman (faith). Mixing unreservedly with the brother-in-law can result in modesty being watered down, which is worrying as the Prophet [(prayers and peace be upon him) said, “…modesty is a branch of faith.”(Saheeh Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 56)

A Muslim woman should not belittle any commandment of Allah ('azza wa jall) and his Rasool (prayers and peace be upon him). Allah ('azza wa jall) says, “You counted it a little thing, while with Allaah it was very great”(Surat an-Noor [24]:15)

Without a doubt, due to the close relationship a wife’s husband has with his brother or a wife has with her sister, it is inevitable that there will be more of a chance that the sister-in-law would, somehow or another, be put in a situation in which she would have to interact with her brother-in-law. What should she do in such a situation? The following are some the etiquettes a Muslim woman should observe around her brother–in-law, be that her sisters husband or her husbands brother.

In the beginning it may seem hard to adhere to these etiquettes, but if a sister puts in serious effort and patience she will see that these etiquettes will become a natural part of her character and in fact, it will become hard on her heart to compromise even just one of them… not only around her brother in law but any non-mahram!

A Muslim Woman’s Gait and Speech

pashminahijaabsThe believing women of the past, even behind their veils, would practice the utmost of caution when talking to a non-mahram, as they implemented the words of Allah ('azza wa jall), “…if you keep your duty (to Allâh), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner."(Surat al Ahzaab [30]:30-33) They would rush to obey the command of their Lord and that is why, when they would walk and talk it would be in a manner which embodied uprightness and modesty. Indeed, there is a stark difference between them and many women today, who walk in an allured fashion and speak complacently in front of and with their non-mahrams. Such women often come to witness & face the detrimental consequence of disobeying the command of Allah and his Rasool (prayers and peace be upon him) in this life before the next.

A believing woman who truly believes in the words of her Lord and her Messenger (prayers and peace be upon him) won’t be seen laughing, joking and conversing unreservedly with her brother-in-law, whether in person or over the phone. She is a faithful to her Lord, which undoubtedly results in her being a faithful, dutiful and a respectable wife. That is why she speaks in a respectable manner and to the point, without complacency and softness in her speech. SubhaanAllah, she is like a fire-fighter who does not stay in a house on fire more than needed; yes, what is more dangerous than lingering around a person whom the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) referred to as her death!

So dear Sisters, let’s walk and speak in a manner which is an open message to all regarding our stance on free-mixing with non-mahrams. Set this precedence and your brother-in-law, himself, - as well as other non-mahrams - will realise how you would like him to conduct himself around you. Many sisters have found that their brother-in-laws actually end up respecting them for their stance and those that don’t, aren’t bothered to try when they aren’t getting any response in return…

Protecting the Gaze

Allah ('azza wa jall) has magnanimously blessed us with the ability to see with eyes that are more powerful than any camera on the face of the earth. For, it is with our eyes that we can view the magnificent creation of Allah ('azza wa jall) around us, the most enchanting of scenes and most importantly, we can read the words of Allah ('azza wa jall) and His Rasool (prayers and peace be upon him).

Allah ('azza wa jall) says in the Qur’aan, {Say: “It is He Who has created you, and endowed you with ears, eyes, and hearts. Little thanks you give.} (Surat al Mulk [67]:23) Yet, so many people show ingratitude to Allah ('azza wa jall) by disobeying Allah’s command on what to use the eyes for and what not to use them for. Doesn’t the one who created our eyes know best how we should use them?

One of the reasons for the decadence of our society is the abuse of this blessing of Allah. The news, newspapers, magazines and tabloids are full of examples of how the unrestrained glance has resulted in the destruction of hundreds upon hundreds of households. Hearts have become engrossed in darkness and sin; so many have become prey to the addiction of pornography and forbidden stolen glances. Within these darkness’s let’s remember the command of our Lord,

“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze.” (Surat al Noor [24]:31)

In these verses of Surat an-Noor [24]:30-31, you will find that Allah ('azza wa jall) connects the matter of lowering the gaze with the issue of protecting the private parts. This shows that guarding ones chastity has an important connection with guarding ones eyes from unrestrictedly looking towards non-mahrams. A well known fact is that one of the first roads taken towards zinaa (adultery) is the unrestricted glance. Therefore, the gaze has a huge impact on desires being ignited, the intellect being clouded and hearts being swerved; a poet of ancient times has said,

“All affairs begin with the sight,

the raging fire a spark can ignite”

Another noteworthy quote,

“A look, then a smile,

then a greeting,  then speaking,

then an appointment, then a meeting.”

If one allows one’s gaze to roam and wander freely this could bring about the loss of one’s chastity and therefore one will earn the greatest causes of doom and punishment in this world and the hereafter. This is why the Muslim woman should try her utmost to lower her gaze, even if she trusts herself. Lowering the gaze and speaking to the point, will help her cut off all routes of evil that satan may be adamant in bring about through both of these avenues.  If by accident her gaze falls upon her brother-in-laws’s or any non-mahram’s face, she should turn her gaze away in compliance to the command of the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him):

Jaabir ibn Abdullah (radhiallahu 'anhu) said,

"I asked Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) about the sudden glance (that is cast) on the face (of a non-Mahram). He commanded me that I should turn away my eyes." (Saheeh Muslim, Book 25, Hadith 5372)

My Dear Sister, let’s obey the command of our Lord and from today onwards try our very best not to allow our eyes to fall upon the face of a non-mahram…

Let’s be different from those women who have lost the modesty of the eyes and who openly stare at the faces of non-mahrams - including the brother in law…

Let’s lower our gazes, to the utmost of ability, in hope for a day when we will freely view the spectacles of Paradise…

Sitting separately

Let’s remember that the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him), in the hadeeth regarding the brother-in-law, first mentioned,


"Beware of entering upon the ladies." (Saheeh al-Bukhari and Saheeh Muslim)

From the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him) words we can clearly see that men should not have open reign to enter upon women as they wish and when they wish. Rather, there must be necessary and much needed restriction and partitioning between non-mahrams.

The Mothers of the Believers, who were the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him) wives, are from the greatest role-models that history has ever witnessed for women. Their modesty, righteousness and faithfulness is undisputed. Allah ('azza wa jall) chose them to be the wives of the Final Messenger sent to mankind (prayers and peace be upon him) ; without a doubt they rightly deserve to be taken as inspiration and role models by all women.

dawn17Allah (a'zza wa jall) commanded those who speak to them to speak to them from behind a veil, {And when you ask (his wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen, that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts.}(Surat al Ahzaab 33:53) Such were the Mothers of the Believers that they wholeheartedly submitted to the command of Allah (ta'aala). Even though the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him) wives and companions were from the pure hearted, sincere and righteous of people Allah ('azza wa jall) says, {…that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts.}(Surat al Ahzaab [33]:53) So then, what about our hearts? Without a doubt, today times have become even more difficult upon the believers, just as the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) said, "There will come a day where a Muslim holding fast to his deen (religion) is like he who is gripping a hot coal."(At-Tirmidh)

Even then, sadly, the most popular excuse today for not practicing segregation, ‘Our hearts are pure’. and ‘Our intentions are sound.’ and ‘We are just like brothers and sisters.’ The Muslim brotherhood practiced between the Sahaabah was as Islaam commanded; it wasn’t a superficial, self-deluded and impractical brotherhood. It’s time that we, as Muslims, consider and contemplate over whether we truly believe that the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him) wives and the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him) Companions are our role models. If so, then we should desire ardently to follow in their footsteps. If people of our households do not support us, we must strive to our utmost and sincerely pray to Allah [azza wa jall] that He also blesses our homes, as were blessed the homes of the Mothers of the Believers and the Companions and that he blesses our hearts with purity, righteousness and strength. This we can do by reciting the words of Allah ('azza wa jall) in our homes, becoming close to the lives of the righteous and distancing ourselves from wrong company, evil traits and becoming closer to the righteous.

Without a doubt, many sisters are forced to appear in front of their brother-in-law, such as for serving food, or when doing house chores - especially if they together. In such a situation, where she has no choice, even after trying her utmost to prevent it, then she should go infront with the condition that she is fully covered and abides by the Islaamic etiquettes laid down by Allah ('azza wa jall) and his Rasool (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). In this article we have covered some of the etiquettes to be maintained and in the next article we will go through some more, Allah willing.

May Allah (the Sublime) guide us to that which He loves and enter us into the Paradise, under which rivers flow and only the righteous and pure exist. Aameen.


The Sad Reality

milkA common and popular tradition in Indo-Pak weddings is to see the sister-in-law and her friends come and sit at the foot of the brother-in-law. The cameraman and the photographer are both recording and taking pictures of these moments which weigh heavy upon the scale of deeds. Laughing, giggling and fully dressed up, they offer their brother-in-law milk to drink, asking money from him in return. And if they have had the chance to steal his shoes, they offer him his shoes back for money in exchange. All the while the guidance of the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) concerning modesty, covering, and the fear of Allah, are stored away in the back of their minds and remain within the books which are left unattended upon the dusty bookshelves at home.

What’s even worse is when, in Pakistani tradition, the brother-in-law is made to sit on his sister-in-law’s thigh just after she has been brought home from the marriage ceremony and just before she is left alone with her husband. Sitting next to each other with thighs touching is old news, for the brother-in-law can now sit ON his sister-in-law’s thigh for traditions’ sake – even before her husband has had a chance to do so himself! You may be thinking what is the family’s reaction to all this? Nothing. They are smiling, laughing and cracking jokes. And yes, once again the cameraman is present, taking pictures which convey messages of how far the Ummah of the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) has gone from his guidance.

What a start! Then we wonder why there wasn't a beautiful end….


He is my Brother

Although not everyone can relate to the above examples, they are just illustrations which show how bad our situation has become and how far some of us have strayed from the guidance of the Rasool (prayers and peace be upon him) . For some it is due to a lack of knowledge of Islaam and worse still, for others it is due to a lack of consideration for the Islaamic stance regarding the brother-in-law. Many Muslim families are suffering, on a lesser or greater scale, with the problem of Muslim women allowing their hijaab and modesty to wither away as they openly mingle, converse and interact with their brothers-in-law. In this way their scent of modesty is beginning to fade away and many sisters - the beautiful roses of this Ummah - are allowing themselves to be plucked out from the soil of Divine Guidance.

Without a doubt, many of our Muslim women have pure and clean thoughts towards their brother-in-law; they treat them like brothers and likewise many brothers-in-law treat them as sisters. But even then, the reality remains that they aren’t and can never truly be as brother and sister. This is why the laws, restrictions and commands found in the Shari'ah work hand in hand with both practicality and reality. Practically we will be extremely naïve to believe that all brothers-in-law see their sisters-in-law as ‘real’ sisters and to believe such a claim could give way to many problems and issues arising in the lives of Muslim women. Secondly, the reality is that he is not a real brother and he never can nor will be. The words of the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) are clear and we must comply with his words as sincere believers.

Why The Sacrifice and Struggle?

The Meaning of Uboodiyyah [Worship].

Every single thing that surrounds us and is contained within us is proof in and of itself of the existence of the Almighty and that He alone is worthy of being worshipped.  Muslims remind themselves of this fact in each salaah as they declare: iyyaaka na’budu [You Alone we worship].[1] This is because Allah [azza wa jall] states: “And I created not the jinns and humans except that they should Worship Me.”[2] Therefore, for each and every Muslim, the fundamental and underlying principle in all actions must be to worship the Lord of the heavens and the earth as He wants us to.

A Sign that you Love Allah.

Whenever we finmadinahd a hadeeth of the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) , in which there is a command or prohibition, we must remember that Allah (the Glorious and Mighty) said about him, {Nor does he speak of (his own) desire. It is only an Inspiration that is inspired.}[3]

One of the signs of a believer’s true love for the Lord of the heavens and the earth is to follow the command of the Last Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) . This is why Allah (the Most High) commanded the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) to say, {If you (really) love Allâh then follow me, Allâh will love you and forgive you of your sins. And Allâh is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.}[4] Let’s not make our claim of loving and believing in the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) ] empty of any substance. Let’s strive to give life to our claims by making our actions implement the command of the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) . Let’s refrain from that which he has cautioned against, such as when he said, “The Hamuw [brother-in-law] is death.”[5]

A Place of Test.

Allah (the All-Knowing) tells us why He created life and death, {…that He may test you which of you is best in deed…}[6] This realm of our life on earth is a realm of test to differentiate the good from the bad. If every single person was allowed indiscriminate entry into Paradise it would no longer be Paradise, as it will become tainted by the evil of those who do wrong and disobey Allah (the Mighty).

My dear Sister, let’s try our best to pass this test, for the time we will sit in the examination hall is short and the result will stick with us for eternity.

Satan has declared war.

Satan said to Allah (azza wa jall), "By Your Might, then I will surely mislead them all, except Your sincere slaves amongst them."[7] We cannot thank Allah enough for exposing satan’s hatred towards us. For any wise believer, this should be a wake up call – none of us are immune from the insinuations of shaytaan and none of us are guaranteed safety from his scheme – unless Allah wills. He is working so hard to prove himself right that the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) said about Satan that he, “…penetrates in man like the penetration of blood (in every part of the body)."[8]

Dear Sister, let’s strive to be of those about whom Allah (ta'ala) mentions, {And he (Satan) had no authority over them, except that We might test him, who believes in the Hereafter from him who is in doubt about it.} [9] And the only way we can do this is by taking the safety measures Allah and His Rasool (prayers and peace be upon him) have given us.

flowerAllah is the Most Wise.

At times we may not see the fruit behind doing or refraining from an action due to our intelligence being limited in comparison to Allah’s might, power and knowledge. But the believers who are firm in their faith know that Allah is the Most Wise and all of His commandments contain intricate spiritual, mental and physical wisdoms - whether we perceive them or not. So let’s declare, as did the angels, {Glory be to You, we have no knowledge except what You have taught us. Verily, it is You, the All-Knower, the All-Wise.}[10]

Allah Knows All.

The testimony of faith inculcates in us the requirement of complete intellectual submission to the command of Allah and His Rasool (prayers and peace be upon him) . The very act of Sujood (prostration) is a testimony to this fact. One places one’s intellect adjacent to one’s feet upon the ground, in recognition of the fact that Allah, the Lord of the heavens and the earth and the Creator of this very intellect, knows better. Just as Allah (the Lofty) said, “Your Lord knows You best.”[11] For we may think we know ourselves, whereas it is Allah (the All-Knowing, the Subtle) who knows us better than we could ever know ourselves!

Just as winds change direction, people’s intentions can change but the command of Allah never changes. We must rely on Allah’s commands to safeguard and protect us and we should give precedence to His knowledge over ours. We may consider someone as upright and righteous, when in fact they have evil intentions or are easily prone to satanic whispers. Allah (the Glorious) knows the secrets of the hearts and the evil stealthy glances; Allah says, {Allâh knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the breasts conceal.}[12]

Allah is Just.

The command of our Lord does not contain any injustice, for it is encompassed by divine knowledge and wisdom. We, as believers, must wholeheartedly and sincerely believe in Allah’s Justice and that He is the One who will reward us for our striving and struggling, even if in our eyes or in the eyes of people this deed may seem extreme or unnecessary. This is because no good deed done solely for Allah (the Glorious) is ever overlooked, “And he who works deeds of righteousness, while he is a believer, then he will have no fear of injustice, nor of any curtailment (of his reward).” [13]

tree-sunlight_smallBelief necessitates Trust.

Having firm faith in Allah (the Guardian) necessitates that we place our trust in Him. Just as Allah says, {It is not fitting for a believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger to have any option about their decision; if any one disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong path.}[14] As Muslim Women we must have trust and confidence in the rulings of Islaam. One only trusts those whom one knows. Therefore be constant in reading the Qur’aan and the Sunnah of the Messenger (prayers and peace be upon him) . Contemplate over your existence and the existence of your surroundings. Your trust in Allah will surely grow.

Islaam Protects You.

Islaam is a religion that emancipated women from becoming easy prey to the desires and evil which lingers within the hearts of men who have little or no god-consciousness. Allah saves us and takes us out of darkness into light, {Allah is the Protector of those who have faith; from the depths of darkness He will lead them forth into light.} [15]

Islaam teaches us that self-reliance is not enough; it is necessary to have rulings which will restrict and curb the evils contained within socialising, conversing and mixing with the non-mahram. For, it might be the slipping of one toe that results in your fall, which will result in your failure in this life, and Allah forbid in the next.

Only Allah (the Mighty and All-Knowing) knows, how many a home has been saved from destruction and unrest and how many a Muslim woman’s chastity has been saved from being dishonoured due to the laws and rules of modesty and covering sanctioned by the Shari’ah.

Let’s have firm faith in our Lord and submit to His commands wholeheartedly, for He says,

{“And who is better in judgement than Allâh

for a people who have firm faith.} [16] 



[1] Surah al Faatihah [1]: 5
[2] Surah al Dhaariyaat [51]: 56
[3] Surah al Najm [53]: 3-4
[4] Surah al Imraan [3]: 31
[5] Bukhari, Book 7, Volume 62, Hadith 159. The Hadeeth is also mentioned in Saheeh Muslim.
[6] Surah al Mulk [67]: 2
[7] Surah al Saad [38]: 82-83
[8] Muslim, Book 26, Hadith 5405
[9] Surah al Sabaa’ [34]: 21
[10] Surah al Baqarah [2]: 32
[11] Surah al Israa’ [17]: 54
[12] Surah al Ghaafir [40]:19
[13] Surah al Tahaa [20]: 112
[14] Surah al Ahzaab [33]: 36
[15] Surah al Baqarah [2]: 257
[16] Surah al  Maa’idah [5]: 50


sisterparkTides of disagreement & inquisitiveness emanated from her beady eyes as she unflinchingly stared towards me with disagreement & distaste.

My auntie was obviously not 100% happy with the idea of Muslim women practicing segregation from their brothers-in-law. I emphatically stressed that a Muslim woman should try her best to practice segregation from her brother-in-law, even if they live in the same home and even if he is years younger than her and  even if the sister-in-law sees him like her brother or son.  Baffled and perplexed, she hesitated at first then spoke with determination (obviously not agreeing with what I said), ‘I think that’s too extreme; a brother in law is like a brother!!?’

I decided to reply with words which outweigh the words I would have spoken out of my own accord, because they are the words of the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him). I said ‘The Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) said that,

“The brother-in-law is Death.”

Although clearly stunned and baffled by hearing this hadeeth, her face still showed signs of disagreement. This surprised me, as Allah [azza wa jall] has said in the Qur’aan, with regards to the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him),

{Nor does He speak of (his own) desire.

It is Only an Inspiration that is inspired.}[1]

Just as she was going to have her round two, my husband called me, since it was getting late and it was time to go home.

I wondered whether having to go home was a blessing for me…


'Uqba bin 'Amir [RadhiAllahu a’nhu] narrated that the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) said,

"Beware of entering upon the ladies."

A man from the Ansaar[2] said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamuw?” The Prophet replied, “The Hamuw is death.”[3]

In Arabic, the ‘Hamuw’ refers to ‘the husband’s brother or his relatives; for example, his paternal uncle’s son or his maternal uncle’s son.’[4] It can also refer to the sister’s husband.[5] Let’s quickly re-cap…

Hamuw means:

1. The Husband’s brother & male relatives.

2. The Sister’s Husband

wowsceneryTherefore, ‘Hamuw’ in Arabic has more of a general meaning than in English. In English the ‘brother-in-law’ refers specifically to the husband’s brother and does not include his relatives, such as his cousins or the children of his cousins. In English the phrase ‘brother-in-law’ only refers to the husband’s brother or the wife’s sister. It is important to keep in mind that in Arabic the term Hamuw refers also to the husband’s and wife’s cousins.

In Islaam the ‘Dhu Mahaarim (sing: Mahram)’ have been clearly defined; A Mahram is a woman’s husband or a man with whom that woman cannot marry at all according to Islaamic Jurisprudence. This can be due to blood relationship (such as father, son, brother, paternal uncle etc) or due to a foster relationship. For no other Non-Mahram has the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) used such clear and categorical wording of caution as he has for the brother-in-law. Even if our culture and traditions allow the mixing of a sister-in-law with her brother-in-law openly as if were her real brother, in Shari’ah (Islamic Law) the Hamuw is not considered a blood brother or like a blood brother. Therefore, the added ‘in-law’ in ‘brother–in–law’ is not referring to the Islaamic law.

Why the Similitude of ‘Death’?

From the words of the scholars (and some of my own contemplations) we learn some of the reasons as to why the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) referred to the brother-in-law as ‘death’:

  • Just as a woman would run away from death, she should run away from mixing spending time and being in the presence of her brother-in law, as much as she possibly can.
  • Just as death is inevitable, it is also inevitable that at times, due to the brother-in-laws strong relationship with the husband, a woman may be put in a situation with him in which seldom would she have to face with anyone else.
  • His (i.e. the brother in law) coming near the wife of his brother resembles death in repulsiveness and mafsadah (cause of corruption & evil). Such as the brother-in-law may resemble her husband in looks and character or the sister-in-law may find her brother in law attractive, or vice verse. Such cases would be a cause of great problems arising; resulting in:
  1. The marriage coming to an end, just as death brings an end to life.
  2. Results in the death of her modesty and religiosity.
  3. Resulting in her death metaphorically, when her husband’s protective jealousy (gheerah) leads him to divorcing her.
  4. By her being stoned to death if she commits adultery with him.
  • She should have caution with the Hamuw as you would have caution from death.
  • Just as a person flees from death, it is incumbent that the husband flees from allowing entrance of his relatives upon his wife and his family which aren’t mahram to her.

We come to see how brief, concise and eloquent the words of the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) are. Every believing woman’s heart should fill with caution and she must take heed to this.

Let’s add strength to what has been said by diving into the explanations of this Hadeeth given by some of our leading great scholars of Islaam.

Statements Of The Scholars

Imaam Al Qurtubi

Imaam al Qurtubi said regarding the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) statement, ‘the brother-in-law is death’:

“In other words: his entering upon the wife of his brother resembles death in repulsiveness and mafsadah (cause of corruption & evil). Therefore, he (the Prophet, prayers and peace be upon him) has prohibited (it with a) clear prohibition. He (the Prophet [prayers and peace be upon him]) has emphasised the caution from that.

He (described it as) death, due to the indulgence of people in it (openly) from (both) the husband's and wife's side, because it has become the norm…the Hamuw entering upon the women necessitates towards the death of her deen (religion), or to her death by means of her (husband) divorcing her, when he becomes jealous, or by her being stoned if she commits adultery with him.”[6]

Imaam Al Baghawee

“Al Hamuw: its plural is ‘Al Ahmaa’ and they are the brothers-in-law (including his cousins etc) from the husbands side, and the sister-in-laws (including her cousins etc) from the wife’s side… the Arabs say this phrase (i.e. something is death)... like they say, ‘the Sultan is fire'.

The wording of this (hadeeth) means: certainly solitude with the Hamuw with her (the wife) is more severe than her solitude with any other stranger…it also means: have caution with the Hamuw as you would have caution from death.”[7]

Imaam An-Nawawi

“Layth bin Sa’d said: Al-Hamuw is the husband’s brother and whoever resembles him (the-brother-in-law) from the relatives of the husband, like his paternal uncles son etc. The Scholars of Language have unanimously agreed that Al-Ahmaa (trans. this is the plural of Al-Hamuw) are the relatives of a woman’s husband, like his father, his  paternal uncle, his brother, the son of his brother, the son of his paternal uncle and their like.  Also, the Akhthaan: the relatives of a man’s wife and the Ashaar: husband of ones sister. So it occurs for both types.

As for the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him) statement ‘the brother-in-law is death’ then it means that apprehension from him is more than from other than him. And the evil which occurs from him and the fitnah (trial/temptation/discord) is more due to him being able to reach the woman and be alone with her,- without disapproval [being levied] upon him-, unlike the ajnabee (stranger)…Ibn Arabee said that it is a phrasing used in Arabic, like they say, ‘the lion is death’ i.e. meeting him is like death. And Qaadhi said it means that seclusion with the Ahmaa’ (trans. this is the plural of Al-Hamuw)  leads to fitnah and destruction in deen (religion), that’s why he referred to it as like the destruction of death. Therefore the phrasing shows weight (i.e. the weightiness of the issue at hand).”[8]

Imaam As-Suyooti

“'The Brother-in-Law is death’ means: certainly fear from him is more than from others and the evil which occurs from him in privacy is more, due to his being able to gain access to the woman and be alone with her without it being disapproved of him, unlike the ajnabee (stranger). Even though, he is more deserving of being prohibited (from access) than the stranger!”[9]

Imaam Ibn Hajar Al Asqalaani

“Seclusion with the Hamuw certainly brings about destruction of the deen (of a person) if a sin occurs or death if a evil occurs, (in which case) stoning becomes waajib (incumbent) [trans. here Ibn Hajr is referring to if they commit adultery together], or (it brings about) the destruction of a woman by being separated from her husband, when his protective jealousy [gheerah] leads him to divorcing her.”[10]

Shaykh 'Uthaymeen

“‘The Brother-in law is death’ are the gravest words of caution. It means, just as a person flees from death, it is incumbent that he (the husband) flees from (allowing) entrance of his relatives upon his wife and his family which aren’t mahram (to her). This shows the extreme reprimand of (allowing) relatives of the husband to enter the house of the husband, (which is more) serious than the entrance of strangers, because these people enter with the recognition that they are relatives, so no-one disapproves. And when they come to the door, seeking permission to enter, no-one denies them.

That is why it is haraam on a person that he gives his brother a chance to be alone with his wife. Some people take this matter lightly; you’ll find him (the husband) with his wife and he has a brother who has reached the age of puberty and he (the husband) goes to work, leaving his wife and his brother in the home alone. This is haraam (prohibited), because satan runs in the son of Adam like the running of blood.

(The question arises): how do we separate them when the house is one (i.e. if they are living in the same house)? (The answer:) It is waajib (incumbent) to place a locked door between the quarter of the man (brother-in-law) and the quarter of the woman. The husband (must) take the key with him (of the door). Then he (should) say to his brother, ‘This is your place.’ and to his wife, ‘This is your place.’ and he (should) say to his family, ‘This is your place.’.

It is not allowed that the door be left opened, since he (the brother-in-law) may enter upon her and the satan may mislead him and he may rape her and maybe he will delude her to concord, then it will be like she is his (the brother-in-law's) wife, entering upon her (like a husband would) and leaving and he doesn’t (even) care. We ask Allah to forgive…”[11]

Shaykh Atiyyah Muhammad As-Saalim

"Al Hamuw: the husband’s brother.

It (i.e. this hadeeth) means: his entering (upon his brother’s wife) in the absence of his brother. The Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) clarified that he is the most severest of dangers that is why he said, ‘The brother in law is death’, because the ajnabee (stranger) does not dare to enter and if he does enter he finds caution. As for the husband’s brother, then he enters the house of his brother and there is a no care, so there is what resembles death.

Therefore, in this hadeeth the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) makes clear for us that it is upon the man (i.e. brother in law) to (exercise) caution from the woman (brother’s wife), and likewise for the woman (to exercise caution from her brother in law)."[12]

Muhammad Al-Ameen Ash-Shanqeetee

This great Scholar wrote in his tafseer, regarding the explanation of the Hadeeth, ‘the brother in law is death’ proving that segregation & partitioning must be established between the-brother-in-law and his sister-in-law:

“…without a doubt that his (the Prophet's, prayers, blessings and peace be upon) phrasing is the gravest phrasing of caution, because death is the most horrid event which come upon a person in the world. Just as the poet said,

And Death is the greatest of events

Of which (comes to) pass upon his creation.

Therefore, the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him):

1/ Gravest phrasing of caution regarding the entering of men upon the women (non-mahrams) and

2/ His expressing the relative entering upon a wife by calling it ‘death’

is authentic prophetic proof that the statement of Allah,


 {… ask them from behind a screen…}[13]

is general for all women, as you saw (i.e. in its tafseer which preceded).  If its hukm (ruling) was specific for His wives (i.e the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him) wives), then why did He (the Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) ) caution the men (with) this general (and not specific) phrasing of grave caution of entering upon women (and not just the Prophet's wives)?

Also, from the apparent meaning of the Hadeeth is that the caution is from entering upon them even if seclusion does not occur between the two. And it is so; hence, entering upon them and seclusion with them are both haraam (prohibited) with a severe prohibition …Imaam Muslim (may Allah have mercy on him) quoted this hadeeth in his chapter on the prohibition of solitude with strangers and (their) entering upon her (i.e. the woman). This shows both are haram…

the ‘iyyaakum’ (in the hadeeth)… means be fearful/cautionary (ittaqoo) and implies the meaning ‘save yourselves [ittaqoo] from entering upon women, and women entering upon you'. In the narration of Ibn Wahb (of this hadeeth, comes) with the wording, “Do not enter upon women” and includes the prohibition of entering (aswell as the) prohibition of seclusion with her by means of the first way (i.e. by entering upon her).”[14]




[1] Suratun-Najm [53]: 3-4
[2] A Companion who was from Madinah, who believed in the Prophet [sallallahu a’lyhi wa sallam] and helped him and his Companions when they left Makkah and came to Madinah. That’s why Ansaar means ‘Helpers’.
[3] Bukhari, Book 7, Volume 62, Hadith 159. The Hadeeth is also mentioned in Saheeh Muslim
[4] Darakaat an-Naar, volume 1, pg 94
[5] Sharh An-Nawawi A’lal Muslim, volume 14, pg: 154] &  Sharh Saheeh al Bukhaari li Ibn Butaal, vol 7 pg: 359
[6] Al Mufham [5]: 501 and also quoted in ‘Al  Mufassil Fi Ar-Radd A’laa Shubuhaat A’adaa’ Al Islaam’, volume 14 pg: 267
[7] Sharh as-Sunnah, volume: 9 pg 27
[8] Sharh An-Nawawi 'Alal Muslim, volume 14, pg: 154]
[9] Sharh As-Suyooti 'alal Muslim, Chapter 5 pg: 193
[10] Fath al Baari, vol 9, pg 332
[11] Sharh Buloogh al Maraam, Volume 3, pg: 163
[12] Sharh Riyaadhus Saliheen by Shaykh Uthaymeen, Volume 1 pg: 1932
[13] Al Ahzaab [33]: 53
[14] Adwaa’ al Bayaan Fi Eeydhaah Al –Qur’aan Bil Qur’aan, Chapter 6 pg 249


quran-illumunatedKeeping Strong With Dhikr:

I’m sure many sisters would agree that a lot of their time goes into completing chores within their homes. Without a doubt, this duty can turn into a great blessing if a sister has the intention to please her Lord by fulfilling her role with warmth, care and attention.  In fact, one can take it a step further and use this time to do the dhikr (remembrance) of Allah.

In this way, as the Muslim Woman walks around her home completing her daily chores, her being will be full of deep faith, love and conviction in her Lord. With natural ease, just like the flow of water, a Muslim woman can therefore continually moisten her tongue for hours with the remembrance of Allah ('azza wa jall).

One of the ways we can do dhikr is by reciting the Qur’aan from memory. In this way, as the Muslim woman walks around her home, she will be in a process of continually imprinting within her heart the verses of the Qur’aan and repelling the insinuations of the evil one. Satan runs away when Allaah is extolled and remembered; the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said, “When Satan hears the call to prayer, he turns back in flight and passes wind so as not to hear the call being made, but when the call is finished he returns and distracts (the minds of those who pray), and when he hears the Iqaamah he again runs away so as not to hear its voice and when it subsides, he comes back and distracts (the minds of those who stand for prayer).” (Saheeh Muslim)

By the blessings of dhikr, her very being will feel light, as the sins which bear heavy on the soul will be removed by the recitation of the Qur’aan. Yes, the same Qur’aan which was the governing factor behind the transformation that took place in the time of the Prophet (sallallahu a’lyhi wa sallam) - a transformation which changed the very course of history, and which can help her transform and improve herself in these difficult and testing times. Within the encompassment and confinement of her home she will be in fact setting out on an amazing journey and giving her heart permission to go back in time and into the future, whilst gaining cognisance of her Lord. This is because as she recites the words of her Lord, He (Allah ['azza wa jall]) acquaints her with His existence, His Names, His Characteristics, His creation, His Prophets, past nations, heaven, hell…

A Muslim woman knows that this realm is a realm of test, a transitional period between non-existence and eternal existence. For, she belongs to Allah and to Him is her inevitable return. This is why she knows that the commandments of her Lord contain great blessings and wisdoms, saving her from the testing and difficult nature of this world. One such test is covering, at home, in front of non-mahrams and especially the brother-in-law, and even more so if one is living in the same house.

The Hijaab

hijaabThe Muslim woman who fears and loves her Lord makes her actions conform to what is in her heart, which is her faith and belief in Allah (the Most High). In this way her external state speaks openly regarding that which is within the vessel that maintains her very existence.

With her eyes focused, her heart open and sincere, she begins reciting, "And say to the believing women that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their fathers-in-law, their sons…." (Surah al Noor [24]:30-31)

She continues in this manner until she comes to the verse,

"O Prophet! Tell your wives and daughters, and the believing women that they should cast their outer garments (Jalaabib) over them so that it is likelier that they will be known and not harmed and Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Surah al Ahzab [33]:59)

With faith encompassing her heart, wholeheartedly -without complacency - she undertakes the command of her Lord. In the presence of any non-mahram, including her brother-in-law, within her home and outside of her home, she covers with her hijaab and jilbaab. Yes, she is a woman of piety, righteousness and principles- a woman who is acquainted with the words of her Lord, the Most High.

A common misconception some Muslims have is that jilbaab is solely for outside of the home. Due to this misconception some sisters do not wear the jilbaab at home in the presence of non-mahrams. This is a grave misunderstanding that contradicts what was found in the time of the Prophet (sallallahu a’lyhi wa sallam) and his Companions... In their time, if the women did appear in front of non-mahrams, it was when wearing the full hijaab and jilbaab. Evidence also suggests that many would cover their faces out of shyness and faith. Their hijaab, jilbaab and niqaab would in fact act as a kind of ‘secondary partitioning.’ The primary hijaab was achieved by sitting separately in different rooms, segregated from the eyes of men. If one is unable to sit separately or must come in front of a non-mahram, then one should cover oneself as Allah [the All-Knowing] and His Rasool (sallallahu a’lyhi wa sallam) have commanded. By covering in the presence of non-mahrams th at enter her home, a Muslim woman is actually making an open statement with regards to free-mixing. Her very dress is smartly and cleverly placing a restriction between herself and the non-mahram.

Covering, whilst being at home, may seem difficult at first but it will become easier over time. One must remember that the commandments regarding covering are for the Muslim woman as she is precious, a woman of self-worth and dignity. Her beauty is not open for all to see; she is like a pearl that is covered in an outer shell, so as to protect it from losing its shine and beauty.

In this way, she will be saved from the eyes of people with bad intentions and she will close off any avenue that could bring about evil in the hearts of men and she will save herself from facing unpleasantness and untoward advances.

In the next article we will cover the destructive sin of tabarruj (displaying beauty), what it entails and the evil consequences thereof.


sisterwalkingpath34Marriage needs intention and attention, a lot of it in clear and precise doses. Marriage is like a plant, when you sow the seed you need to give it attention. In order to stay healthy, a plant requires daily attention and care, such as water and sunlight. Taking care of a plant isn't difficult, but it does require nourishment.

A happy marriage has two people, a man and woman who love each other, have a great deal of mercy between them and are committed to bringing out the best in each other. Like the plant, marriage needs regular nourishment too. 

In a healthy marriage the couple have positive energy and attitudes that demonstrate gratitude and appreciation, two most powerful expressions of humility. Ingratitude causes marriage-rot and lack of appreciation pushes it over the edge.

Good and bad habits can make or break a marriage. Good habits help creating an environment of positivity. For example saying thank you, regular acts of compassion and offering help and support for each other's tasks and responsibilities are all parts of good habits. Negative habits include criticism, contempt, sarcasm, eye-rolling and distancing behaviours. 

The secret is to harness healthy habits as opposed to destructive habits is to create a safe space for both. You don't need to move a mountain to stay happy in your marriage. Just do small things regularly. 

Below, are seven small but significant gestures you can incorporate in your day-to-day life:

1. Greet your partner lovingly in the morning.

When you first see your spouse, instead of having a negative or even neutral interaction, greet them with a positive statement. Say a hearty Salaam (islamic greeting of peace). Show that you are happy to be married to him or her and you are glad to wake up besides him or her. The key is to be positive and loving. You start your day well it is most likely to end well. 

2. Send a sweet text. 

Use modern-day technology to stay connected throughout the day by sending your spouse a playful, flirtatious or sweet text. Write anything from “I miss you” to “I can’t wait to see you tonight,” Don't use text messages for arguments and negativity. Share your loving thoughts with your spouse even if it is in a short sentence or a cute image. 

3. Reunite with a hug. 

Make your reunion conscious and thoughtful. Some married couples often become very boring and functional that every time they meet, they check on tasks and chores - such as “Why didn’t you cook dinner?” or “Why didn’t you take out the rubbish?”

Instead, any time you reunite with your spouse, have an intentional hug that lasts 20 seconds. This is actually longer than the average hug, and it’s long enough for oxytocin, the bonding hormone, to be released. An intentional hug with your spouse includes all parts of your front body meeting the front body of your spouse. Enjoy the warmth and love. 

4. Touch your partner at mealtime. 

When you’re eating dinner together, make it a point to touch your partner. You might touch their hand or arm, or your legs might touch. Touch is a powerful tool for connection especially for couples. Imagine not being touched by your spouse for long; usually couples refrain from touching when they are angry with each other. Touch is an expression of love, warmth and passion. Keep it alive in your relationship as often as possible.

5. Compliment your partner at the end of the day. 

Many marriages, suffer from chronic under-appreciation. Partners don’t feel appreciated, and they, too, don’t show their appreciation. The relationship becomes clouded by a sense of resentment because both are feeling being taken for granted.

As a couple, end your day with thanking each other for one small act that you really appreciate. It could be anything from “Thanks for picking up the dry cleaning” to “Thanks for making dinner” to “Thanks for hanging out with my family.” Focus your attention on the things they do, not just what they don’t do.

6. Express your needs from a place of vulnerability. 

Often couple resort to criticism instead of describing their needs. For example, if you are annoyed that your spouse is on the phone you might say, “You’re always on the phone.”

Now try the following sentence instead: “I’d like to spend some time with you. Could you spend some time with me please?” This invites a dialogue between partners, and not an attack. Your partner would respond more positively to your needs if your expressions demonstrate your need and would react defensively if you use critical and negative language. 

7. Connect with each other spiritually. 

All of us breath, our heart beats, our pulse races. When was the last time you felt your spouses breath, heart beat or even pulse consciously? Take a moment and place your hand on their arms, chest or stomach to feel their life. It will connect you spiritually at a very deep level. Synch your heart beat together for one minute and see how the power of your love sparks deeper connectivity with your spouse.

End your day with something actively spiritual. As a Muslim you would pray your daily prayers. Save part of the evening prayer so that you can share it with your spouse. It is a powerful way to end your day. Some couples may prefer to start their day together through prayers, that is also a good practice. Some prefer to read, reflect or meditate together.

Remember marriage evolves, be positive and brave you will enjoy the process and outcome together.

hijaabserenityYou might be surprised to figure out you are doing these five destructive things that will ultimately ruin your relationship with your spouse.

When I got married, I was amazed at the instant, overwhelming sense of responsibility I felt to love and care for my husband. Suddenly, a huge part of someone else's well-being and happiness was largely affected by my choices and actions.

Women, we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands and marriages. Don't let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.

Here are just a few ways you might be unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage (as a caveat, please understand that although this article is directed toward women, it applies to men as well):

1. Living outside of what you can afford

A wise old woman from my church congregation once advised: "The best thing you can do as a wife is to live within your husband's means."

Wives, show sincere appreciation and respect to your husband by carefully following a budget and making the most of what you have. Be wise about your finances.

Constantly complaining about not having enough to fulfill your lavish desires or racking up astronomical amounts of debt on your credit card is a poor way of saying "thank you" to a faithful spouse who works hard every day to provide for the family.

Yes, you may not have enough to buy that Kate Spade bag you've had your eyes on for months, but your husband will love and appreciate the fact that you honor him and are grateful for what he provides.

2. Constant negativity

You hate your hair, the messes around the house, the neighbor across the street, your dumb co-worker, the old dishwasher, and everything in between. As soon as your husband walks through the door, you launch into action and dump every negative and angry thought that's crossed your mind throughout the day.

Can you imagine having to carry that burden? Negativity is draining. Men like to fix things, and constantly being hounded with complaints makes it difficult for him to help solve your pains.

If there is one thing I've learned from marriage is that a good man wants you to be happy, and if he can't help you do that, it makes him unhappy. It's okay to have a bad day once in a while, that's totally understandable, but don't make it a way of life.

3. Putting everything else first

When your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in front of your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self esteem?

Put your husband first.

Although it sometimes seems counter-intuitive and counterproductive, I think you'd be amazed to find that it's often the key to the greatest happiness in marriage. So many couples get divorced these days, because they neglect to care and love one another and put each other first.

If you choose to put each other first, you will find a lot of joy.

4. Withholding physical affection

Men crave and need physical affection with their wives. When you constantly decline intimacy, it wears on them.

Sex should not be used as a tool to control your spouse; it should be viewed as a sacred tool to draw you closer to one another and to God.

It is a great blessing to be wanted and needed by a loving, romantic husband who wants to share something so beautiful and important with you -- and you only. Even though you might not always be in the mood, it's worth it to give in (when you can) and spend that time bonding.

5. Not speaking his language

Women love to drop hints. (I think it's part of our DNA.) But men just don't get them. (I think that is a part of their DNA.)

Don't waste your time giving subtle hints that he won't understand: Speak plainly to him. Be honest about your feelings, and don't bottle things up until you burst. If he asks you what's wrong, don't respond with "nothing" and then expect him to read your mind and emotions. Be open about how you really feel.

loveverbI’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap.  I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.

I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.  I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.

I still remember her reaction.  She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.  Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.

I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.  I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.

But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t.

Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.  After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married.

And that whole time I was swooning.  This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.

But then we got married, and everything changed.

Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion.

I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.

I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?

How can you feel it when you get into an argument?

How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket?

There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives.

And at first, it drove me nuts.  That emotion meant love!  That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!  But suddenly, life was this grind.  Even when I was with her.  Especially when I was with her.

And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.

But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times. Like, when I offered to do the dishes.  Or make dinner after she had a hard day.  Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her.

I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.  It just kept happening.

But I think it had an effect on me.  Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more. And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful.

It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.

But eventually it became clear.  Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.  It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.

In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.

And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.

And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable.

I didn’t love my wife on that second date.

I didn’t love her when we got engaged.

I didn’t even love her when we got married.

Because love isn’t an emotion.  That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire.  From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry.  But it wasn’t love.

No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun.  It’s a verb.  Better defined as giving.  As putting someone else’s needs above your own.

Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her.  It was for me.  An emotion I had in my chest.

And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love.

Being sappy isn’t love.  Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do.

And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile.  She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is.

And now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger.

From Disney movies to my favorite shows like “The Office” to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married.  An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever.

I can’t imagine a bigger lie.  And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long.  And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well.

I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  A country of people trying to live a Disney movie.

That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate;  for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages.

It’s sad to see just how common all the above is.  How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to.

Those people deserve better.  We all deserve better.

It’s time that we changed the conversation about love.  It’s time that we redefine it.

Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common.  Loveless marriages.  Divorce.

Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives.

alpenglowHow do we know if a romantic relationship is thriving and has lasting potential? All relationships are different, but scientific research has shown that certain patterns tend to emerge in healthy, stable, successful partnerships. Take a look at this evidence to evaluate your own relationship—or to gain some tips on how to foster happiness, attachment, love, and satisfaction in your partnership:

1. People in thriving relationships take on their partner's habits, interests, and mannerisms.

Have you ever noticed how friends can change when they’re in a relationship? After marriage, they pick up new goals and interests (You went hiking?); new and quirky turns of phrase (Did you really just say “awesomesauce”?); or new habits (When did you start drinking soy milk?). All of these changes, if they reflect habits of a new partner, are signs of self-other overlap, the process of integrating a romantic partner into the self (Aron & Aron, 1996). Self-other overlap is a sign of cognitive interdependence and predicts closeness, love, and relationship maintenance behaviors (Aron & Fraley, 1999), all characteristics of a thriving relationship.

2. In thriving relationships, partners support each others’ opportunities for growth.

Fresh-off-the-press evidence suggests that people are more satisfied in their relationships when their partners actively support their efforts to expand their own horizons (Fivecoat, Tomlinson, Aron, & Caprariello, 2014). These opportunities benefit the person experiencing self-growth, but also boost the relationship—that is, if the other partner is offering active affirming support—through comments like, “I bet you’ll be really good at that,” rather than passive remarks like, “Sounds alright". The differential effect of active and passive support is evident primarily in on-going long-term relationships rather than new relationships.

3. Couples in thriving relationships share their emotions.

It’s not enough just to talk with a partner; couples in thriving relationships engage in emotional self-disclosure—the communication of thoughts and ideas with another person. People might easily reveal facts about themselves to others, but sharing private thoughts, reactions, and feelings is a pathway to a deeper connection with a romantic partner, especially when that partner is an engaged listener. Laurenceau and colleagues (1998) showed that emotional self-disclosure to a responsive partner generates intimacy, an important component of healthy relationships.

4. Partners in thriving relationships engage in frequent non-sexual touch.

Physical touch can take many forms, but the importance of affectionate touch outside of sexual intimacy is often overlooked, despite its active role in supporting relationship health. Couples who engage in frequent physical affection—hugging, kissing on the face, kissing on the lips, massage, or cuddling—tend to be happier and more satisfied with their relationship (Gulledge, Gulledge, & Stahmann, 2003). This research also showed that while affectionate touch didn’t predict the amount of conflict couples experience, people who offered and welcomed non-sexual physical affection reported having an easier time recovering from conflict.

5. Individuals in thriving relationships pay less attention to other attractive people.

A fascinating study revealed that the kind of relationship commitment that appears in thriving relationships activates an implicit attentional block against the allure of attractive alternative partners (Maner, Gailliot, & Miller, 2009). In a series of studies, Maner and colleagues primed heterosexual participants with a mating motive and then compared how single participants and participants in committed relationships performed on a computer task that measured their attention to attractive opposite-sex faces. Turns out that the participants in committed relationships paid less attention to the attractive alternatives. Love, it seems, provides an automatic defense system that helps keep people attentive to their current romantic partner.

6. In thriving relationships, couples see the positive sides of commitment.

New evidence shows that romantic commitment is multifaceted, reflecting positive, negative, and constraining elements, and how people view their commitment predicts the quality of their romantic relationship (Weigel, Davis, & Woodard, 2014). This study revealed that individuals who tend to perceive their relationship as rich with positive commitment (joy, fulfillment, belonging) tend to perceive less negative commitment (worry, irritation, hurt) and less constraint commitment (feeling tied down, stuck, stifled)—and they tend to be much more satisfied in their relationships overall. These people see their relationship as something they want to be in, not something they should or have to be in. Fostering positive views of commitment is a sure sign of a thriving relationship.
Relationships are complex, and their success is influenced by each individual, their interaction, and their social context. These signs are suggestions that a relationship is on a healthy path, but they operate within the broader context of the relationship and should be considered alongside other markers of relationship health.

nikah88Marriage Advice from a Divorce Lawyer

It is amazing that despite the fact we spend most of our lives either searching for love and companionship or being in a relationship, this is the one thing we are never really taught how to do. Expectations and patterns are determined by the successful (and not so successful) relationships we see as children, on television, and by trial and error. By the time you walk through the front door of my office, it is often too late. And divorce sucks. It's expensive and emotionally devastating.

In 20 years of experience practicing law, I have often wondered why so many relationships fail. The complaints I have heard over the years have similarities in what was "missing." Even when there is an affair, it is usually a symptom rather than a cause. Did these people know the things about their partner that now drives them out the door before they got married? (Most of the time the answer is yes). What did they think this relationship would be? Why do people marry people they know are unkind, unfaithful, selfish, or without common values or interests? While there is no way to foolproof a marriage, there are a few things that can make it (and your other relationships) stronger and healthier. Some of these work even when the marriage does not. Your children will thank you for a better foundation for their own relationships down the road.

1. Ask for what you need. This is first on the list for a reason. People do not read minds and this is not news. Imagine walking into Starbucks in a different city standing at the counter and not saying a word. Ridiculous right? No latte. Women in particular, seem to believe that if someone "really loves" them they are magically imparted with the ability to read minds. He should know what she needs/wants. People believe if you have to ask for flowers, the flowers become meaningless.

Well, if you don't ask for what you want, you won't get what you need, as unromantic as that may sound. Resentment then builds unnecessarily.

People are a product of their own individual upbringing. Just because your father brought your mother flowers each Friday, you may believe that is the only acceptable expression of love. You may give no value to the fact that your spouse fills up the gas tank so you never have to. If it's the case that only flowers will do, ASK for them. Give a road map, not just "I like flowers," but also for what occasions and what kind you love.

Think about it this way: We tell our employees, our children and our friends what we expect from them... why is our spouse any different? After my C-section with my daughter, my husband was not exactly enthusiastic about getting me a glass of water after his head had just hit the pillow. Really? I just gave birth you selfish.... After years of commentary under my breath (which he really loved) regarding this one particularly jerky incident, I finally realized that this was not totally his fault. It was my fault too, for not telling him ahead of time what I needed and just expecting he would know. Flash forward to another baby (this time a sick one) and a knee surgery with an attentive husband by my side. If he hadn't been, it may have been the end for us, but I did not struggle alone this time. The difference was, I asked for what I needed, in detail, and he gave it to me. People generally want to make each other happy, but sometimes just don't know how.

2. Forget perfect. Marry someone whose crap you can live with, really live with, without expecting someone will change (they won't) or getting "brownie points" for putting up with it or throwing it in their face. If it annoys you now, it will annoy you later, only more so. He's a slob, or she can't cook, are fine if you can handle it. Everybody's list is different.

The non-negotiable issues are different for every person, but don't kid yourself into believing you can live with something that you can't.

If he's a spender and you're a saver, beware. Different views on finances or fundamental differences in morals or values are tough to overcome. For the record, it should go without saying, abuse, physical, or emotional, is non-negotiable and if it is not, seek a good therapist.

3. Realize fairy tales are for children. When I hear anyone over the age of 10 speak about their fairy tale romance or wedding, I cringe and then hand them a business card. Marriage is many things, but it is no fairy tale, I assure you. Let's see how wonderful this sounds: Once upon a time, there were two people who decided to live together forever. All they could afford after the $100,000 wedding was a tiny condo. They both worked hard, and then had two children. Then came the sweatpants, the homework, the laundry, and the in-laws. They hit the lottery, moved to a bigger castle and bought a few new cars. Even though they now had all the money in the kingdom, there was still laundry, homework and in-laws. So, the princess left the prince because she was sick of the prince leaving his stuff all over the place, and he was glad because she never wore anything but sweatpants, her parents were a pain in the ass, and the laundry was piling up. No one would do it, of course, because in the fairy tale world, no one does laundry.

Have realistic expectations. Not every day is going to be great, but some will take your breath away from the overwhelming love you feel. Regardless of your economic status, there will be sickness and health, money issues, work troubles, and screaming kids. There will also be immeasurable joy. Expect both the good and the bad and hold on tight through the tough times by remembering the good ones.

4. Lower your expectations. People are human. They forget the milk, they have bad days, and they say things they should not say -- annoying and stupid things. We let it go, because that's life, unless we're in a relationship with someone. When we're married, we beat it to death as if it is somehow a personal affront, an indication that someone does not love us enough. Our expectations are higher of our significant other than anyone else. Most times unreasonably so. This leads to disappointment and resentment.

Lower the expectations and be pleasantly surprised when someone does something great without it being expected.

5. Say thank you. Why is it that people often forget to say the kind things to the ones they love? We wouldn't dream of allowing a stranger to go without thanks for a kind word or deed. It is automatic, a part of civilized society. However, the one who cleans up the kitchen, makes the dinner, pays the bills, or takes the kids in the morning so their partner can sleep does not get a thank you? Really? Cherish your spouse or partner and let them know they are appreciated, valued, or someone else may.

6. See the glass half full. 

Perception is reality. Life is hard or it is amazing, depending on the day.

The same goes for our relationships. If you wake up wanting to be angry at your partner (or friend or sister), it would be easy. Focus on the stuff someone did wrong and everything they do will be wrong, not good enough, or done with the specific intent to drive you crazy. In reality, that is rarely the case. When you decide to focus on the good, it's amazing how the day goes much smoother. The dinner is cooked and the laundry is folded, even if it's not how you would've done it. When the day is really crappy, try to appreciate that it is all relative. Despite our difficulties, we are more blessed than many.

Just turn on the news to see how truly difficult the world is for some, and the day seems a whole lot better.

7. Choose happiness. Most of the time happiness is a choice. When we're first in love, everyone is happy and life is fun. Choose to be happy. Be kind and make your partner happy. Do the special things to make someone else happy that you once did. Make an effort to laugh with each other, celebrate and enjoy. It will carry you through a lot of the bad.

8. Say I am sorry. This does not mean you are WRONG, people, it just means you're sorry. Sorry I made you feel sad. Sorry you are hurting. Show compassion to your partner's pain, even if you don't understand it. Do not explain why someone should not feel the way they do, just say sorry.

9. Realize not everything means something. Over breakfast, a man notices his wife having a piece of toast for breakfast when she usually has cereal. On the way home from work he stops to get her some cereal and brings it home to her. She immediately starts to yell at him, "You're such a selfish person. I had Cheerios every morning for the last ten years, and you brought me Raisin Bran. If you loved me, you would notice what kind of cereal I eat. You don't care if I am happy or what I need in life." Husband has no idea what just happened. Sometimes a box of cereal is just a box of cereal. No hidden message, no hidden meaning.

Don't always think your partner thought something through and intentionally tried to hurt you. Look for the good, appreciate the effort.

10. Ego -- put your partners first. Be a couple who supports each other in private and in public. Don't talk trash about your spouse or let others. Say kind things to them and about them. Build each other up and find other couples who do the same. Be loyal. Make them feel important and needed. Put down your phone, stop texting and surfing, and pay attention! Be present.

Marriages are like anything we cherish and want to keep. We must first recognize the value of it, prioritize it and make efforts to care for it if we want to keep it. If we value our marriage, we are less likely to risk it. My office (or any divorce lawyer's office) is the last place you want to end up!

Source: Huffington Post.

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other's emotional needs again.

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is closeness to each other. In an intimate state, spouses communicate smoothly, rush to do whatever it takes to make each other happy, and avoid what might upset or annoy the other. Couples can achieve this state only through meeting each other's psychological, emotional and physical needs.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Mainstream-counseling perspective

intimacy77From Dr. Harley's research and experience in trying to save marriages through counseling, he concluded that couples negotiate from one of three states of mind, each having its own unique negotiating rules and its own unique emotional reactions. He called these states of mind, 'intimacy', 'conflict' and 'withdrawal'.

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other's emotional needs again. The first and most important concept that Dr. Harley produced to help couples understand the rise and fall of romantic love is "the Love Bank Account". In his study of what it takes to build love bank accounts, he learned that habits were much more important to consider than isolated instances of behavior. Habits that deposit love units build very large love bank balances because they are repeated over and over almost effortlessly. Isolated behaviors, on the other hand, usually do not affect the love bank much. Similarly, habits that withdraw love units tend to destroy love bank balances because they are also repeated almost effortlessly. In marriage, one of the most destructive behaviors is an angry outburst, where one spouse intentionally tries to hurt the other one, causing massive love bank withdrawals.

As a starting point to build the love bank balance, Dr. Harley encourages spouses to get into the habit of doing whatever it takes to make each other happy (deposit love units), and avoid habits that make each other unhappy (withdraw love units). Through his counseling experience, he proved the success of his approach in saving marriages and restoring intimacy. As soon as he realized that a large love bank balance triggered the feeling of love, he tried to discover what spouses could do for each other that would make the largest love bank deposits. "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" He asked each couple that he counseled, and then he compiled the answers he had in a set of audiotapes that teaches what a husband needs from his wife and what a wife needs from her husband.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Islamic perspective

As committed Muslims who believe that the Islamic message is the absolute final truth that provides the cure for ailments and grants happiness in both this life and eternal life, we weigh any information or research findings with the message of Islam to accept what is compatible and reject what contradicts any of Islam's teachings. Dr. Harley's recommendations in the twenty first century were not any different from what Allah Almighty, and his Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us fourteen hundred years ago.

Marriage unites the souls

The Quran emphasizes the essential unity of men and women in the most beautiful metaphor for intimacy. Allah says (what means):

"...They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them..." [Noble Quran 2:187]

Just as a garment hides our nakedness, so do husband and wife, by entering into the relationship of marriage, secure each other's chastity, and cover each other's faults. The garment gives comfort, grace and beauty to the body; so does a husband find comfort in his wife's company and she in his.

The Quran has given the comprehensive description of intimacy in marriage, and considered it one of His Signs. Allah says (what means):

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [Noble Quran 30: 21]

Islamic tips to restore and maintain intimacy in marriage

Islam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights, responsibilities and characters of both husband and wife to build their relationship on mutual love, respect, and mercy. Here are the most important tips that lead to a successful and happy marriage.

Faith: Common faith binds the couple strongly. Since Islam is a way of life, it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. Couples with strong faith will share the same values and the frame of reference and communicate smoothly and effectively. Faith plays an essential role in developing a loving relationship.

Couples who work on strengthening their faith, for example by performing the Prayer, reading Quran, and seeking Islamic knowledge together, become closer. They love and please Allah through loving and pleasing each other. The commitment couples make to Allah are excellent facilitators for enhancing their family's spiritual development and commitment to Allah and His Religion.

Forgiving: When the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to his Companions may Allah be pleased with them: "Do you wish that Allah should forgive you?" They said, 'Ofcourse, O Prophet of Allah.' He (peace and blessings be upon him) responded: 'Then forgive each other.'"

One of the main components of a happy marriage is forgiveness. It is a challenge not to blame and to move past an incident when one hurts the other. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not too stingy to forgive.

Friendship: A relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures. We mean the friendship that is based on honor, trust, respect, acceptance and care for each other, in spite of our differences.

Feelings: The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e., hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples must be very careful not to hurt the feelings of each other and if they inadvertently do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

Openness: Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind honestly with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not sincere it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

Flattering: Paving compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouses heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being scant with compliments is actually depriving one of being appreciated in return.

Unconditional giving: The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

Fallibility: When couples start to demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is Perfect.

{And among His signs is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind. So that you might find contentment (sukoon) with them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are signs (messages) indeed for people who reflect (think!)} (Sura Rum: 21)

As I am sure you are aware, marriage in Islam is a legal contract. It is a contract between two people in the presence of witnesses the Best of whom is Allaah (s) Himself before whom this contract is made and to whom the ones making the contract will be accountable. It is therefore essential that they understand what they are contracting to do. I recited before you an Aayah (a verse) from the Qur'an where Allaah (s) speaks about the institution of marriage, calls it one of His signs and mentions specifically three special features about this institution. He uses three critical words in this ayah:

The first word Allaah (s) used is the word Sukoon.

Allaah (s) said: {And among his signs is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind so that you may find Sukoon with them.}

LenticularCloudsSo what is Sukoon? It is a word that we use in Urdu as well so I am sure all my friends who understand Urdu have an idea about its meaning. In Arabic Sukoon is the opposite of Al–Harakah (movement). In Arabic grammar the equivalent of the vowel on the letter is called Al-Harakah which tells us how the letter "moves" meaning, how it is to be pronounced. When there is a Sukoon on the letter it means that the letter remains as it is and will not move and will be pronounced in its original form.

Allaah (s) has used the term Sukoon as the first purpose of the marriage. He said that He creates mates for us so that we may find Sukoon with them. So that we may find contentment with them. The first condition of the contract is that the spouses are undertaking to promise that they will henceforth lead their lives in such a way that they will make their companionship, their home, their being together and their support for one another a source of contentment and Sukoon for each other. They are making Allaah (s) a witness that henceforth they will not look elsewhere other than towards each other for all the requirements of marriage.

That their eyes, ears, hearts, hands, feet will not stray away from their spouse. That there will be no Harakah, no movement away from the spouse. I ask Allaah (s) to give them and all those who are here in this gathering, Sukoon with their spouses. It also means that both will make an effort to create a home which is a place of Sukoon which they look forward to returning to after having been away from it for various reasons.

The second word that Allaah (s) has used in this ayah is 'Al-Mawaddah', He said: {Wa ja'ala bainakum mawaddah: And He puts love between you}. This refers to the love that the spouses feel for one another. This love is both physical and emotional. Love is an outcome of respect. We can't love someone for whom we feel no respect. It is essential therefore for the spouses to pay attention to the good from each other and to forgive the mistakes. The spouses are like mirrors to each other. They reflect what they see but they have selective memory. When a new image comes before the mirror it is reflected with reference to the good from earlier images, whatever it was. Someone sent me a story which talked about writing the good about our friends in stone and writing their mistakes in the dust. One remains for a long time while the other is blown away by the first breeze that comes.

I believe this is the single most important secret of a good marriage. To have this selective memory for the good and selective amnesia for the bad. Unfortunately many people have the opposite which is the root cause of all problems. The good is taken for granted as one's right. While any mistake is seen as a premeditated crime and treated accordingly. Islam advises the opposite. To forgive not once but 70 times, without reservation.

For the spouse, his or her companion is their best friend. The marriage is a contract where the spouses are undertaking to make each other, their best friends from this day on. It is important to remember however that friendship is only as good as the amount of investment you make in it. It is not magic. It is not automatic. It does not happen. It is made. Consciously. With effort. And the results are directly proportional to the investment.

It is necessary to spend time with your spouse, not with your other friends in some club.

It is necessary to develop common interests.

It is necessary to take pleasure in each other's work and activity.

It is necessary to support each other in all that is good.

It is necessary to ensure that you give feedback with care and concern and never in public.

It is essential to remember that between spouses there are no defenses because there is trust. And for that reason it is essential for the spouses to exercise special care in dealing with each other's emotions.

It is necessary to build a language together, a language of looks, words, signs. A language that over time becomes almost magical in how it enables one spouse to know what the other is feeling without explanation. A language which is a joy to see when you look at those who have been happily married for many years.

It is necessary to consciously remember the good that one spouse does for the other, especially when they are having a bad day and are acting strange.

This is the love that Allaah (s) talks about when He says that He has put it between the spouses. Like all potential wealth, it has to be accessed or it will remain buried under the sand.

The last word that Allaah (s) used in the Ayah is Rahmah: Mercy; when He said: {Wa ja'ala bainakum mawadaatawn wa Rahmah}. Rahmah is a special quality of Allaah (s) Himself. It is the mercy that He shows to His creation even when they don't deserve it.

He used this word to describe the relationship between the spouses in the marriage. We are merciful to those who we feel responsible for. We are merciful to our children whereas we may not exercise the same mercy for strange children. However when you are the teacher in a school the same children become your wards and you are merciful to them. The word Rahmah in the context of marriage draws our attention to the responsibility that the spouses have for one another. It also draws attention to the fact that over the years each has made a lifetime's investment in the other. To show Rahmah – to be merciful – is to honor that investment and to thank the other for making it. Not to take this for granted. Rahmah is also the quality when for reasons of life and destiny, when one of the spouses is unable to look after the other or to satisfy them, the other still treats him or her with love and respect and mercy. Rahmah is to give without asking for return. To give because there is a pleasure in the giving itself.

Marriage in Islam is therefore a commitment made to each other, of integrity, love, respect and mercy that the spouses are undertaking to make to each other in the presence of Allaah (s) who is Witness to all our thoughts, intentions and actions.

Marriage - Living it.: How to keep the marriage happy

Now that you are married, let us look at how to make your marriage happy. Someone asked me 20 questions about it. Here are the answers, which I hope cover all aspects of this matter.

1. What are the characteristics of a happy marriage?

Truth, Caring, Mutual respect are what I call my three Cardinal Principles of happy marriages. Please notice that I am not using the word 'love'. Love comes out of these three things. What is called love is usually physical desire. The shape or size of someone's body is not the inspiration for love; it can be the inspiration for infatuation and lust but not love. For love to happen, the lasting kind that is, the kind that grows with age and the longer you spend time together, you need truthfulness, caring and concern for one another – putting the needs of the other before your own; and mutual respect. Without respect there can't be any love. One needs to respect one's spouse, appreciate their strengths, make them your role model, icon and be proud of them and proud that they are your spouse. That kindles love in the heart which grows with time because the reasons for respect also grow with time. Physical attraction reduces with age. It is programmed to do so. Nobody grows more beautiful with age. You mature with age, grow wiser, more mellow, more patient and forbearing and more worthy of respect. The love that comes out of that also grows with age.

Truth is to express feelings as they are and not to have any pretensions.

Caring is to treat the other with concern because you know that with you s/he has no barriers or safety nets.

Respect is to acknowledge the value of the trust that is placed in you in allowing you into that inner most of places in the heart in which nobody else has been allowed before. To treat that privilege with the respect it deserves and never to abuse it for any reason.

2. Is there a formula to be happy in a marriage?

To be forgiving. We need to forgive one another. What tends to happen in many marriages is that we expect the other person to forgive us but we hold them to standards that we are ourselves unable to live up to and become curiously blind to this unreasonable stance. That doesn't work. Good to remember the saying, 'Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.'

Share in each other's lives. Take interest in what the other does. Don't be nosey but learn and add value. Conversation is both the key to a happy marriage and a metre to judge its health. Marriages that are getting sick start to lose conversation. When there is nothing left to talk about after 10 minutes and when your idea of spending time with your spouse is to sit in front of the TV or to read the newspaper in the same room, then you can safely say that your marriage is falling sick. In happy marriages there is a desire for the company of the other. Not for the company of others. You hurry home because your spouse is there. You don't hit home and bounce off to the club to sit with your cronies or to some other place to be with other friends. You want to spend time with your spouse not because otherwise s/he will complain but because you genuinely want to do it.

3. How do you make a marriage work?

By working at it. We use this term, 'Make a marriage work', but we forget that a lot of it is actually 'work'. It takes effort, time and energy, is measurable and produces results. Making breakfast for your spouse is work. Offering to do her errands is work. Taking the trouble to look nice when your husband comes home instead of like animated laundry is work. Going to the airport to meet his flight is work. You get the drift? Doing what does not come naturally or doing something that is important for the other even if you don't like doing it, is work. And all of it produces results in terms of appreciation and love.

Never complain if your spouse is not spending time with you.

Firstly it is pathetic and undignified to do so.

Secondly I have a rule: never tell someone to do for duty what they won't do for love.

And thirdly, that they seek someone else's company is a message for you; so act and examine yourself and see why this is happening and correct yourself and things will change.

People seek what is enjoyable. So if your company is more a pain rather than enjoyment, naturally they will go elsewhere.

As I say, 'If I wanted to marry a nag, I would have married a horse. At least it would have carried me from place to place.' Nag is a gender neutral term. There are male and female nags and both are equally painful. As I've said earlier conversation is a good indicator about what is happening to the marriage. Giving instructions, complaining, informing and gossiping is not conversation. Sharing of thoughts, hopes, aspirations, fears; good listening, compassion, understanding, laughing and crying together about issues that are shared; that is what I mean.

Finally companionable silence is also an indicator of a good marriage. You don't have to be talking all the time. It is the quality of the companionship, the quality of the silence. You will know it without anyone having to explain, let me assure you. But pay attention to it even if there is tension or boredom in it.

The key is to want to share, time, thoughts, aspirations, fears and to want to listen to each other with caring and respect.


Couples that play together, stay together – says the proverb. Whatever fun-thing you enjoy doing together, do it. And do it regularly. If you play a competitive sport together – say golf – remember to lose regularly. It is not for the competition that you are playing and to make it a competition is to defeat its very purpose. Remember that sometimes you may not be enjoying it equally but that is worth the pleasure of seeing the smile on the face of your spouse. It's all about that smile anyway. Be genuine. A cosmetic smile is detectable a mile away. Performance is not the key everywhere and one place where it is not, is in a marriage. The 'Performance Appraisal' for a marriage is a joint statement which spells the success of the marriage, not of your personal performance. Otherwise it will be like saying, 'Operation successful but the patient died.' In our fast paced lives today, we don't seem to have the time to simply, 'be'. We are conditioned to look for 'results' for everything. This is highly stressful and detrimental to a marriage. A marriage is for Sukoon, tranquility, harmony, peace and many times that translates to – just being together without any 'result'.

4. How can you try and make an unhappy marriage a happy one?

This is a tough one because there is a pre-clause to it. Once you satisfy that pre-clause then it is very easy. The pre-clause is, 'DO YOU REALLY WANT IT TO HAPPEN?' Now that may sound like a strange thing to ask but I have seen in many years of counseling that all the failures that I saw were because the partners did not really want to make it work. They were not sincere and were merely going through the moves with the idea of satisfying themselves or others that 'they made the effort'. Now that is a lie because they never made an effort. They acted a drama with a precluded ending.

Once you are sincere about turning things around then you need to sit down and write down all that you like about your spouse. After all there were things about them that you liked enough to marry them. What were they? Then when you have that list, you write down the problem areas. Usually that works like magic. Marriages go bad most often because we don't appreciate the good enough and are not thankful for what they have. I often ask couples, 'How many times a day do you thank your wife/husband? How many times a day do you hug or kiss them? How many times a day do you tell them that you love them?' It is amazing how much we take appreciation for granted. For most people not criticizing is equal to appreciating. It is not. Expressing genuine appreciation is all about being thankful to the other person for all that they have done for you. Rasoolullah [p] said, 'The one who has not thanked the person has not thanked Allaah (s).' Thankfulness clearly expressed and often is the lifeblood of a good marriage. And remember, to do it often is the key. After all when things are not going badly, we don't hesitate to make it known. So why not when they are going well?

5. Is the idea of a soul mate just a myth – or is it simple communication between people?

Soul mates are made, not born. And they are made over time. Sometimes a fairly long time. Then you see them sitting together and smiling at things that only they understand. Or looks that have meaning only for each other. Or speaking in a language that only the other understands. Phrases that they use only for each other and which may even be gibberish to others but which touch their hearts. This is the stage when every time you look at her you fall in love all over again, 30 years into your marriage. And laughing. Laughing is important. Laughing together at the same things. Showing each other things so as to add to the joy by sharing.

6. What kind of initiatives and actions dictate a happy marriage?

Back to the basics: Truth, caring, mutual respect. Every action or initiative must pass this test. Are you being truthful? Is her need coming before your own? And are you showing the respect you feel? I remember that my grandmother used to serve my grandfather his meals. Every meal. She would put food on his plate, refill it, offer him the choicest pieces of meat, watch to see what he needed and give it to him before he asked for it. She would eat every meal with him, without exception in a house that was a mansion with several servants. But no servant was ever allowed to give my grandfather anything directly. They brought the tray to my grandmother and she served him. All this she did with such a look of love and devotion on her face that I can see clearly in my mind even today 40 years later and more than 25 years since both of them died. Why did she do this? Just because she liked to do it. It really is that simple.

He reciprocated this to the fullest extent. He never did anything without asking for her advice. He never went anywhere without her. He wore what she gave him. She had complete control of his money. He never touched it. He never asked her for any account with a level of trust seldom seen today, even though it was his money, so to speak. He never raised his voice to her for anything. He never even looked at her except with love. She was his whole life in every sense of the word.

He loved her and she loved him and it showed.

She died first. He died three months later of a broken heart. But they left memories for their children and grandchildren about how to be married and how to treat your spouse.

7. How much involvement should parents and in laws have in a marriage?

The key is to realize that these are independent relationships and need to be managed. The same is true of children when they come along. I have seen spouses becoming strangers to each other because the children take up the time and energy of both to such an extent. Maturity is to be able to manage these multiple relationships in the marriage.

8. How does one make compromises?

They are not called 'compromises'. They are called 'adjustments'. It is not the semantics of it but the attitudes that language indicates and dictates. We make compromises when forced to do so. We make adjustments to things so that we can enjoy them more. One of the things that most young couples don't bargain for is the aspects of sharing ownership, time and privacy that marriage brings with it. Nobody told them about it and they didn't think about it when they had stars in their eyes. Honeymoons are in hotels and sharing a hotel room is different from sharing your own bedroom and your own cupboard. Changing from 'I' to 'We' is often a difficult process. Small things can become the cause of friction, sometimes degenerating to serious conflict.

Some people are neat and orderly by nature. To others any form of 'order' is an 'attack' on their freedom, individuality and free spirit. Some people are early risers and early sleepers. Others like to stay up late and wake up when the sun is well up in the sky. Some eat breakfast, others don't. Some are more stylish and fashion conscious than others. Others carry their what-the-dog-left-on-the-doorstep look as a mark of their individuality much to the disgust of their spouse. Some people like surprises, others hate them. Some like to take decisions, even bad ones. Others like to leave options open for as long as they can get away with. For some the idea of relaxation is to be alone or with the one they love, all by themselves, sitting often in companionable silence. For others relaxation is to have at least five other people in the fray while managing or two others on the phone. Some people love parties, especially where they are likely to meet new people. Others hate parties, especially where they are likely to meet new people. Some focus on the rules, regulations, systems of things. Others see the same things in terms of feelings and emotion. All this would have been fine if difference was seen as merely different. But it isn't it is seen as 'right' (my way) and 'wrong' (any other way). This conditioning is culturally universal and ingrained. We all have it.

Many of these are temperament traits, which those who are familiar with 'Myers-Briggs Type Theory' will recognize. Irrespective of your familiarity with the theory I am sure you will recognize yourselves, your spouses, family and friends in these descriptions. The question is, what should you do about the fact that you may discover after marrying someone that you married someone very different from yourself. We seem to know instinctively that difference means problems and so we unconsciously play down our differences before marriage. We try to be very accommodative, forgiving and adjust to almost anything. Unfortunately this lasts for all of two weeks into the marriage. Then the reality of difference kicks in. And 'kicks' is the right way to describe it. Difference in a marriage is far from intellectual. It is real, in the face and with you every day. You have to deal with it or it will create trouble. It is interesting to note that in many cases people actually marry others because the different temperament seems so attractive from the outside. For the one who leaves things open as long as they can, the strong decisive nature of the spouse is the essence of manhood. For the one who is sedate, orderly and structured, the spontaneous, effervescent spirit of the spouse is like a breath of fresh air. Sadly in both and all similar cases, this does not last long. Then the difference becomes a source of irritation, aggravation and conflict.

Happily there is a solution and that is to understand difference to be difference and to consciously refuse to see it as good and bad. Then to ensure that you don't criticize your spouse's different way of being or doing as long as it is not illegal, immoral or likely to drag your good name in the mud. As long as it will not land you or her/him in jail, leave it alone. Let them live the way they like to. Learn to ignore and learn not to engage or comment on or react to everything.

Having said that, decide on what is important to you. Don't make compromises on issues of principle. Explain to your spouse why you won't compromise and wise partners will respect that. But issues which are important to the other and which you can live with changing, change. Remember the point about concern for the other? It is good to remember that everything is not a test of your masculinity or femininity. By 'giving in' to something you don't lose face; you win hearts. So do it unless it is something that goes against your fundamental values. At this point let me remind you that marrying someone with a different 'Aqeedah, religious perspective or religion is almost always a recipe for disaster except for people who are not committed to their own religion. If you are committed to your faith then ensure that you marry someone who is equally committed and has the same perspective about it as you do.

It is a very good idea to have some frank sharing of thoughts on what is important to you. When this is happening, simply listen. Don't justify, agree, disagree or argue. Just listen respectfully and then decide what you love, what you can live with, what you can change in yourself and what you need to talk to the other person about. Most couples, in the courtship stage are too busy on appearing their best and get into a pretense mode that has no relation to what they are really like. Acting can't be sustained and the mask comes off sooner than later with predictable results. So speak to each other frankly and then decide if you want to get married. During this conversation speak clearly and tell them what are the non-negotiables for you. Don't try to be politically correct or polite or whatever and hide or play down things that you really feel strongly about.

Maybe it is something to do with practicing your religious beliefs, or about family values or that your Mom will live with you or that the cat shares your bed or whatever. No matter what it is, if it is important, then say it. That is far more positive and far less painful than having your spouse discover it later. Some things may seem 'silly' to you but if they are important enough for the other person then they will cause you serious trouble if you don't respect them.

9. When does one know that a marriage is not working? And when should people do something about it?

A marriage is ultimately an agreement between two people to live together for mutual benefit. When you find that there is no mutual benefit and that the living together is causing more grief than joy then you know that it is not working. Then you must ask yourself the questions:

Am I willing to make it work?
What will it take to make it work?
Am I willing to do what it takes?

If the answer to all of them is in the affirmative, then get on with it and work. If not then it is time to call it a day. The important thing to do even if you decide to divorce is to remember the first three rules: Truthfulness, concern for the other and mutual respect. Ensure that you don't do anything that is not scrupulously honest and completely above board. Show concern that the other person should not leave with bad feeling. The divorce is bad enough. Don't add negative baggage to it. And show respect for each other. You deserve it and your marriage deserves it. Part company if you have to but do it in a way that is respectful and honorable.

10. In my view it is the Core Responsibility of the man to work and earn a living and take care of the financial responsibilities of the family. It is Core Responsibility of the woman to make the home a place of beauty, grace and harmony and to focus on the upbringing of the children.

I know this may sound old fashioned to some but just take a look at what the result of the Yuppie and Puppy culture is and you will come back to the basics soon enough. Having taken care of the Core Responsibility, naturally the man must help around the home, take care of children, water the garden, wash the car, mow the lawn, take out the garbage and not sit in front of the TV with his feet propped up and a bowl of popcorn at his elbow – or whatever passes as its equivalent in your culture.

Similarly once the Mom has taken care of her Core Responsibility then it is good if she waters the garden, washes the car, mows the lawn, takes out the garbage and does not sit in front of the TV with her feet propped up and a bowl of popcorn at her elbow – or whatever passes as its equivalent in your culture. I am sure you understand what I mean. Dividing responsibilities is a very good idea. Do it whichever way you like but do it. Role clarity is essential in a happy marriage and role conflict causes the maximum stress on it. It is essential for one of the spouses to be dedicated to the upbringing of children; teaching them life skills, manners, tools of thinking, decision making and teaching them core values of life. Today in the Yuppie and Puppy cultures the idea of bringing up children is to feed them, ensure that they are washed and dried and entertained. This thinking is the root of all evil. Food, a dry bed and toys is what your dog needs, not your child.

Children need a jolly sight more than food, clothing and shelter if you want to develop a human being who will be your legacy to the world. I believe you need to dedicate yourself to that because it is important. I've met many parents who struggled very hard in the early stages of their lives and who say to themselves (and to everyone else) with great feeling and tears in their eyes, "I will never allow my children to face the hardship that I had to go through." When I hear this statement I say to them, "Please change the wording. Say, 'I will never allow my children to build resilience, character and strength. I will never allow them to have the power that I have, to succeed.' Say this because in effect that is what you are really saying." For many of them this statement of mine is a shock. They had never thought about their view on upbringing of children in that light.

If you protect your child and don't allow him to enter the fray of life and compete, to get his nose bloody in the struggle, to cry with frustration in the night at his failure and then learn to dry his tears and work out new alternatives; if you allow him or her to come running to you and lend him your shoulder and box of tissues for his tears, then remember you are the worst enemy of the child. You are programming him for failure.

You are writing the script to destroy his life and to make a parasite out of him who will never have the respect of the world and will forever live in a state of mediocrity laboring under a battered sense of self-worth which in many cases comes out in the form of aggression and overpowering control on the spouse who is the only one on whom he can vent his spleen. Struggle builds strength. Opposition teaches how to fight in the struggle of life. Difficulty teaches how to win. If there was no Goliath, David would have remained a shepherd boy. Many parents don't understand this and are the architects of their children's destruction, tragically with the best of intentions.

Many parents equate expense with quality. They give their children the most expensive education which insulates them from the realities of life and so they never learn to fight the real battles. They give them the most expensive toys which in reality teach them to define human value in terms of material worth (the 'best' kids are those who have the best toys). They insulate them from poverty, deprivation, lack of resources and thereby they 'protect' them from being exposed to the power of drive, ambition, single minded focus on achieving big, ambitious, scary goals. They build walls between their children and the people who they must in the end, deal with. People who will one day, work in their organizations and decide their fate. People who need to be inspired, led, cared for and supported. And therefore people who must be understood. Not simply in order to do good and be charitable but because the success of the business and family depends on the development of these people; the great multitude. The fond parents forget or ignore the fact that one day the time will come for the soft little molly coddled pussy cat to enter the jungle of the real world without any of the tools it needs to survive, much less to lead others.

They must be supported but not protected.

They must be advised but not told what to do.

They must be allowed to take their own decisions but not without the benefit of the frame of reference of the value of honor, fairness, responsibility, accountability, nurturing and trusteeship.

They must be allowed to feel, to cry in the night for the hardships that others undergo, to build friendships and relationships that span the boundaries of color, race, religion, nationality and much more difficult, social order and prejudice.

They must learn that to be poor and to be honorable are not mutually exclusive; just as to be rich and to be honorable are not the same thing and don't happen automatically.

They must learn that virtue is a state of mind. A stance, a decision, a position that one takes, not because someone is watching but because of one's own sense of one's identity.

They must be taught the value of learning and to value those who provide it.

Children who are not taught respect for their teachers are deprived of the blessing of knowledge. Today this is a prevalent disease with many of the young and ignorant. Remaining ignorant is a choice; a life threatening choice.

I do because of who I am. And I become, because I do. They must learn that our actions define us. They must learn that people will define them on the basis of both what they owned and what they contributed. But they will honor them only for what they contributed. Because we are remembered, not for what we had but for what we gave.

Only when they are taught to focus on contribution from their earliest childhood will they be able to fight the force of consumerism that is focused on consumption. Blind, self-centered consumption that in the end will consume us all, if it is allowed to proliferate unchallenged. If you don't agree, use condoms. That is far better than producing children who are a nuisance at best and a painful reality in the lives of others, as long as they live.

11. Naturally it is the responsibility of both people -  like in any agreement. It is important to recognize and accept this responsibility so that you will then do what it takes to fulfill it. As I mentioned above, I advocate actually sitting down and having a dialogue about what each one is supposed to do. Say it to each other and agree on it. Don't leave it to guesswork and discovery. That leads to misunderstanding and disappointment. A good marriage is a dream.

To make it come true you have to wake up and work. If you expect your wife to cook for your friends who you will bring home from time to time, say it. And also say what time to time means. If you expect your husband to pick up the food on the way home with his friends from the restaurant, say so. If you expect your wife to make breakfast for you and sit with you watching you get outside the eggs and toast, say so. If you expect your husband to bring the eggs and toast to you in bed (never really liked the idea of eating without first brushing your teeth), say so. What I mean is that in marriages, it is often the so-called 'silly things' that lead to trouble. So silly or not, say it if it is important to you.

My second Cardinal Principle – Concern, is what is most important to remember. If you apply the Golden Rule – Do unto them as you would have them do unto you – you can't go wrong. The virus that kills marriage is a two letter word – ME. To get you have to give. What you have in your hand is your harvest. What you sow is your seed. To get a harvest you have to first sow the seed. Remember that the harvest is always more than the seed. So give and give with grace, with love, with joy. And you will get much more than you bargained for.

Show consideration for your spouse. Do things without being asked. Be aware of what they like the most and do it. Try to please them. Don't play power games. The marriage is not a contest to get the better of the other. You are not in a race or in a WWF wrestling match or in a competition to see who is more powerful. Remember that every time you 'win' the other person loses. And losing is something that nobody enjoys. So at some point they will get tired of losing and you have no marriage. And that is the biggest loss that you brought on to yourself. A marriage is a relay race – long term, passing the baton to the other at each stage and the team – in this case the two of you – wins.

12. Today we live in a world where selfishness is not a sin anymore. However changing your mind about an evil does not make it good. You will get sick even if you fall in love with the virus. People wanting to get married have to learn to think about the other and to consciously give him or her precedence and preference. If you can't do this, your marriage will break down sooner or later. Our lifestyles, the internet, social networking and talking to people across the world from other cultures, the TV with its unreal, fantasy world of soap operas, many of which are designed to destroy marriages. They promote ideas that are either directly destructive or lead to the killing fields of marriage. These serials glorify disrespect for elders, extramarital affairs, destructive competition, ostentatious consumption and generally behavior that is destructive and negative for all concerned except for those who make the serials. A good marriage is about living in the real world, not in a world that is neither bold nor beautiful.

13. 7 year itches, I don't think there is any such thing. Looking outside your marriage for companionship which can then lead to a breakup, is a sign of intrinsic unhappiness. If you feel it, the thing to do is to deal with it. Not look outside. The problem with 7 year itches is that every 7 years you are older and less desirable. Then where will you go?

14. I don't think children either make a marriage happy or unhappy. It is more their upbringing that makes the home happy or not. Children give the parents a common interest but for a marriage if the only thing in common is the children then something is wrong. On the converse side children take a lot of time and attention and energy and this can be difficult to handle for many people. But if the spouses share in the work of bringing up children and take the trouble to bring them up well, with good manners, values and attitudes, then they can be a huge asset for the marriage.

15. Appreciate each other and express this appreciation on a daily basis. Catch each other doing right. Do things for one another only to see the smile on the face. Invent your own language which only the two of you understand. We used to keep a book on a table in the house in which we would write things we liked about each other or something nice we wanted to say to one another. We did say it as well but sometimes writing is easier.. Second most important rule: Don't react to everything that the other says. Take 10 deep breaths. Then forget it. Reactions produce reactions and in the end it is taken out of your hands.

Finally never go to bed mad at each other. Always make up before you go to bed. Cuddle up together and sleep. Never quarrel in the bedroom. Never in bed. Make this a rule. If you have a problem, deal with it in the morning. Usually by the morning it would have solved itself.

16. Is fighting healthy? Well, depends on what is meant by 'fighting'. If it means trying to get the better of each other in an argument and using all kinds of means to do so then it is definitely not healthy. If it means arguing as in a friendly fencing match between equal intellects that leads to good feeling, then it is good. Avoid power games like the plague. Many marriages turn into daily competitions between the spouses to see who can control the other. This takes many apparently benign and legitimate forms. But they are all illegitimate, subversive and destructive to the marriage.

Some people use religion as a means of control and invoke religious rulings and promise the other brimstone and hellfire for disobeying some whim or fancy of yours. 'Should' is the most useless word in the language. If people did what they should then the world would have been a different place. Both need to look at the real drivers behind their apparent religious orientation because it has nothing to do with the Almighty. Power games come in many packages. Spouses use children as pawns in their games at getting the better of each other. Others use health concerns, eat more, eat less, joint family rules, cultural taboos and many other things. All are power games and all are destructive.

17. Both financial hardship and plenty can be a source of bonding or a source of drifting apart. It is mutual respect and concern for one another that counts. And that is a result of character, piety, learning, nobility of conduct and deportment, confidence, trustworthiness, dignity and grace, genuine desire to please one another and to place the need of the other before and above one's own. None of these are things that money can buy or that we need money for. Marriages are happy or break up for reasons other than money. Money problems are not money problems even when there are money problems; if you see what I mean.

18. Lie, betray trust, cheat, play power games. Also making fun of one another as in mocking. Showing disrespect in the name of humor. Humor is to laugh with someone, not to laugh at them. Lastly but by no means the least, by being overly self-focused and showing disregard and no concern for the other. Honesty is still the best policy in 2010 and will still be the best policy in 3010 if the world lasts that long.

19. There's a difference between telling lies and not divulging all the details. Not divulging all the details, for example about your friendships before marriage, is not wrong and is a very wise thing to do. The spouse has no need to know and it is something that does no good to the marriage no matter how 'broadminded' the spouse may be. But to tell a lie is wrong and goes against the grain of all that I have said above. Incidentally 'white lies' is a racially color biased term, like 'black sheep', 'nightmare', 'black heart' and so on; the legacy of English which is originally the white man's language. Knight in shining armor can be all black too – black shines even more than white if you notice.

Having said that, telling 'the truth' inappropriately or in a harsh manner does no good either. Being silent is an option that is worth exploring. For example if the toast is burnt or the food has no salt or something is not to your liking there are many ways of saying it. But you also have the option of remaining silent in honor of all the times that it was delicious. If the husband comes home cranky it is irritating but you have the option to remind yourself that a nice cup of tea and talking about something else is probably more productive than saying, 'Don't bring your office home'.' You would be justified in saying so if you did, but sometimes it is better to be kind than to be justified. Diplomacy and wisdom are great virtues and most useful in a marriage. Not rubbing their nose in it is wise. Turn away gracefully. Don't watch their discomfiture. Spouses realize that they are wrong but may not necessarily grovel at your feet and beg forgiveness. It is wise to leave them alone and not demand groveling. People's dignity is important to maintain. Be it a management – union negotiation or a domestic disagreement, it is important to allow the one who is wrong to 'save face'. To insist on humiliating them is to burn bridges to future relationship. Remember that you are also human and will surely be wrong one day. Don't create a situation where the other is waiting for that day to return your favor.

20. It is helpful for couples to talk about their problems to someone they respect and whose advice they are willing to listen to. Usually it is better to talk to strangers as they are perceived to be fairer and more objective, as they don't know either party but really it doesn't matter as long as it is someone you respect and who you have decided to listen to, meaning to obey his or her advice. As I have said earlier, before you go to talk to anyone, decide if you are going to listen to what they say even if they don't agree with you. If you are going to someone with the expectation that they must agree with you and support your stance no matter what it is, then don't waste your and their time. No self-respecting, honest arbitrator with any dignity will agree to be biased in favor of one party or the other. If they do, then they are not fit for the position.

In conclusion I would like to say that a marriage can be as good or as bad as you would like to make it.

It is literally in your own hands.

firaasahintuitionMarital bliss is the dream of every engaged girl and the goal of every wife. It is a dream and goal which is worthy of us exerting our utmost effort to attain. To reap the fruits of these efforts, we should be aware of the mistakes and enemies which threaten them. The wise person is the one who learns from the experience of others. There are many homes that do not enjoy this marital happiness, even though the spouses have done their best to achieve it. This has happened because they made mistakes which rendered their efforts futile. To protect your happiness, beware of these mistakes and avoid the adversaries.

One of the gravest blunders is 'revealing secrets'. Family secrets are a trust which should be preserved. Being negligent in preserving this trust makes one lose her husband's trust. Therefore, beware of making the secrets of your home the topic of your chat or a heart-to-heart talk as you might imagine. Do not think that your friend will keep your secret which you could not keep yourself.

First and foremost, keeping the secrets of your home in general, and especially your intimate relations with your husband, is required under Sharee'ah and is part of your worship of Allaah Almighty. In a Hadeeth on the authority of Asmaa' bint Yazeed, she said that she was once sitting with the Prophet [p] while men and women were present and the Prophet [p] said: "Perhaps a man says what he does with his wife [to others] and perhaps a woman says what she does with her husband." The people remained silent. Asmaa' then said, "Yes, O Messenger of Allaah, men and women do so." He said: "Do not do this. [To do so] is as if a male devil meets a female devil in the street and has sexual intercourse with her while people are watching them."

Its Harm is Greater than its Benefit

Psychologists stress the fact that the wife's heart-to-heart talk with her (female) friends and disclosing her home secrets mostly result in worry more than comfort. It is true that she may feel temporarily and immediately comfortable, but worry will dominate her when these secrets are spread and she reaps regret and loss. No man is ever pleased with having his marital life's secrets disclosed. Umaamah bint Al-Haarith warned her daughter against this (before her wedding night) in her well-known advice when she said, "...If you reveal his secret, you will not be safe from his betrayal..."

Secrets are of Different Kinds and Degrees

The secrets of the home are not of the same degree of importance. There are secrets about the private relations between the spouses, which they should keep only to themselves. We previously mentioned the warning of the Prophet, , against revealing such secrets.

There are secrets that are relevant to the differences between the spouses. Revealing such secrets should be according to their gravity. The wise wife is the one who keeps these secrets and only reveals those which would help in solving the problem. However, she should not reveal them to her friends or relatives; rather, she should reveal them to those whom she believes to be wise and able to achieve the divine advice as conveyed in the verse where Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allaah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allaah Is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].} [Quran 4:35] However, the wife should not hasten to do so as soon as a problem occurs or when any tiny problem surfaces. There are many problems which do not need any interference from anyone; rather, they need some wisdom and patience on the wife's part.

A mother says,

"My daughter was married ten years ago, and she never complained to me or to the father of her husband. She only told me about a problem once it had been solved. Her only request, when she faces a problem, is to ask me to supplicate to Allaah The Almighty for her, and I therefore know that she is facing a problem when she asks me insistently to supplicate to Allaah The Almighty for her."

There are secrets that are relevant to the private affairs of the house. Such secrets should also not be revealed so that the family does not become an open book before other people. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {Allaah presents an example of those who disbelieved: the wife of Nooh [Noah] and the wife of Loote [Lot]. They were under two of Our righteous servants but betrayed them.}[Quran 66:10] Some of the scholars of Tafseer (Quranic exegesis) commented on this verse saying that betrayal here means that the wife of Nooh used to reveal his secrets. If anyone believed in Nooh she would reveal it to the tyrant disbelievers. When Loote received any guests, his wife would tell the depraved people of the tribe who practiced evil deeds (sodomy) in order to go to these guests and practice their immoral acts with them.

As women, we desire to have a deep emotional bond with our spouse. We want to be loved and adored.

We need to nourish our spouse daily with love, support and understanding.As a therapist, I have seen numerous men who are disappointed in their marriages.

Men's Top 6 Requests of Their Wives

sisterwalkingpath341. Be his friend

2. Show him respect

3. Fulfill his physical needs

4. Make him feel desired

5. Make him feel appreciated

6. Create variety

Be a friend:

The most important aspect of a marriage is friendship.When there is friendship, any obstacle can be overcome.

Look at the beautiful examples of Khadija and Aisha (RA) and how they showered the Prophet (peace and salat upon him) with love, providing him with true companionship. Think about your best friend and how he or she became so special in your life. It probably had a lot to do with the amount of time and effort he or she made to get to know you and spend time with you. When was the last time you and your spouse had quality time together where the focus was just on having fun and sharing?

An easy way to get started is:

1. Set a date night with your spouse and stick to it

2. Share likes, dislikes, dreams etc.

Your friends are people who accept you and make you feel happy. How accepting are you of your spouse? Are you always trying to change or nag him? These behaviors push a man away and doesn't create positive associations to you.

In order to create or strengthen friendship in marriage, try doing the following:

1. Listen, listen, listen to him – I mean really listen without being distracted, without making lists in your mind as he talks and without watching T.V. Remember what he shares with you about his work, about his goals, etc.

2. Share the highlights of the day & be supportive and understanding,

3. Find out what his area of interests are, read about them and be prepared to discuss,

4. Always say please and thank you, no matter how long you have been married

5. Eat at least 1 meal a day together,

6. Be forgiving – overlook his mistakes and flaws and train yourself to remember his positive traits ( everyone has some – you just have to focus on them),

7. Plan activities together (be it traveling together, playing tennis, walking, eating out, going out for movie nights – anything you both enjoy doing together),

8. Laugh together – don't take your relationship so seriously all the time. Couples that can laugh together, stay together,

9. Have time to cuddle – being in close contact, hugging & caressing melts away the barriers, anger & frustrations. We all feel better after a nice, big hug,

10. Say nice things to each other – If you spoke to your friend the way you speak to your spouse would they remain your friend? Be honest with the answer,

11. Always make up before you sleep, and sleep at the same time. Don't lead separate lives.

Show Respect:

The need for men to be respected is so strong that when they are given ample respect, they flourish like a plant that has just been watered. When they are deprived of the respect, they wilt and harbor feelings of sadness and resentment.

Many times women put a lot of time and effort in keeping the house clean, taking care of the kids and fulfilling all the "duties", but because they fall short in showing their husbands respect, the husbands will shut down and not show appreciation for all that she has done. It is critical to be sensitive towards men and their feelings. Even though men may not be as expressive, they can and do get hurt and it is much harder for them to recover from hurt feelings.

Here are some ways to show respect:

1. Always speak with kindness and politeness, regardless of how long you have been married. Show the same (if not more) graciousness to your husband than you show your guests,

2. Never shout, call him names or use profanity,

3. Don't be sarcastic with sensitive issues – if he has any weaknesses or shortcomings don't crack a joke about it. Even if he doesn't get mad, he may feel hurt inside,

4. Listen to his opinion and honor his requests – you will be rewarded in this world with a happy home and in the akhira insha'Allah,

5. Don't have a power struggle with him. When women are demanding and aggressive it makes the men be harsh and rigid. If you show respect for the role that Allah has chosen for him he is more likely to be accommodating,

6. Show love and respect to his family and be a unifying force. Don't be known in his family as the person who took him,

7. Respect his "alone time", and allow him to unwind,

8. Ask his opinions and value them.

Fulfill His Physical Needs:

Intimacy brings about a whole lot of mixed emotions. Some sisters are not interested at all, some can never get enough and others seem to use it as a way to manipulate their husbands. There really needs to be some frank talk about this subject because I have seen many marriages suffer and fall apart due to problems of intimacy.

Sisters, if you withhold sex from your spouse as either a way to get back at him or to control him, you are making a HUGE MISTAKE.

Make Him Feel Appreciated:

When a man gets married he enjoys being the center of his wife's life. He loves all the attention, the special meals and having his wife exclusively to himself.

There are so many times that men are made to feel neglected. Whether it's because of the newborn baby, her demanding job or her never ending list of errands and voluntarism, men are being overlooked and pushed aside. Each man is craving his wife's attention. The woman that knows how to shower her man with attention and appreciation will win his heart.

So here are some practical and easy ways to show appreciation to your husband:

1. Greet him with a hug and a kiss when he arrives home. Men have a need to feel important,

2. Make him feel that you are glad that he is home- this will create a positive association to being home; therefore he will WANT to spend more time at home,

3. Get off the phone before he arrives,

4. Make sure the place is presentable,

5. Have a sumptuous dinner ready,

6. Verbalize that you appreciate his hard work and all that he provides,

7. Be happy – nothing shows appreciation like a content smile,

8. Be understanding when he has to stay late or has to travel,

9. Listen to him without multitasking – I know it's hard for us sisters to sit still and just simply listen, but it's so critical to make a man feel heard,


Make Him Feel Desired:

When was the last time you gave a compliment to your husband? And I'm not referring to compliments on how well he fixed the leaky faucet. I mean a compliment on his looks or personality that will bring on a genuine smile.

The need to feel attractive increases as men age, they require more assurance that they are still desirable and worthwhile. There are two ways to make a man feel attractive: either tell him by giving him a compliment or show him that you are attracted to him.

Here are some ways to show your attraction to your husband:

1. Take the time to look at him – deep in his eyes and have your eyes lock. There usually isn't enough time to make eye contact and since everyone always has to be careful to lower their gaze in public, here is the chance to stare and be rewarded!

2. Smile affectionately,

3. Be generous in giving compliments – it's amazing how a person will light up with kind words.

4. Be playful, flirt and make him feel like the most attractive person

Create Variety:

Variety is always desirable. We enjoy an array of meals, an assortment of clothes and a selection of entertainment. This yearning for variety can be fulfilled even in marriage.

Here are some simple measures you can take to add a little zest and variety to yourself.

1. Get different hairstyles and change the shade of your hair color

2. Have a nice wardrobe for the house. "What, dress up at home?" YES! You don't need to be all decked out, but you need to have casual, nice clothes for around the house.

3. Invest in nice lingerie – it's not just for the honeymoon. If you want your honeymoon to last a lifetime have a selection of lingerie that you wear regularly.

4. Try to create variety by getting intimate in different rooms

As you strive to create a strong bond with your husband by being a true friend, you will become closer and more intimate. By investing the necessary time and effort into your marriage, you will be pleasantly rewarded with a more satisfied spouse and you will Win His Heart InshaAllah!

abstract flowers025As a friend of mine was setting off on a journey, she took all the necessary safety measures for her apartment. She installed secure locks as well as iron windows and then traveled to a summer resort along with her family, feeling reassured. However, when she returned home, she was shocked to find that every lightweight and precious item had been stolen. Through her tears, I only managed to understand some utterances she constantly repeated: How were they able to enter my apartment? How did they break in despite the precautions I took? What type of keys did these criminals have?

I tried comforting her and urged her to say, "Indeed we belong to Allaah, and indeed to Him we will return." I reminded her that she still has been incomparably blessed, having returned home safe and sound along with the rest of her family after her long journey. I soon left, as I supplicated to Allaah The Almighty to grant her prosperity and compensate her loss.

On my way home, I repeated the perplexing question that my friend was nearly intoning: How did the thieves unbolt the firm locks and break the iron windows? I then began to compare, in my imagination, the secure and military fortress-like home of my friend that the robbers wanted to enter, to a man's heart whose wife exerts her utmost to find her way in and reside within as a crowned queen. I asked myself if it was possible that thieves would be more skillful and successful in their mission than a loving, devoted wife. Even if we do not take into consideration her patience, endurance and hope in reward from Allaah The Almighty, could a wife who dedicates her entire life to her spouse and children not have the keys to her husband's heart? Is she like a candle, melting away as she continues to give of herself, and yet she does not truly have a place in her husband's heart, either because she does not have the keys or she lost them out of heedlessness or carelessness?

Many wives have husbands who live with them due to the ties of marriage and perhaps its intimacy, but not quite out of love and a passion that makes them unable to let go of them. Such men become used to their wives and if they ever separate, they find it easy to get over them. Their hearts are barren, the emotions are platonic; the pulse of the heart does not beat to the sound of the wife's name and there is no longing feeling that urges the husband to rush back after a long day at work, to his nest, in order to enjoy the company of his life partner.

I, as any other men and women, may deem capturing the heart of a spouse a hard and difficult task. However, by virtue of personal and vicarious experience, I can emphasize that it is easier than what we imagine. It is merely governed by the following equation:

Love + patience + perseverance = worldly bliss or reward in the Hereafter

The more long-sighted one is, the less difficult the efforts are and the more successful the attempts become. It is also no secret that showing love breeds love, affection breeds the same; and a world that has both will be one in which rivers, like honey, of happiness, stability and harmony, will flow.

Therefore, I invite every loving wife to try out the following keys to her husband's heart; you will not regret it.

- When your husband is agitated or angry, use the key of silence and a lovely smile. When he calms down, approach him affectionately, and convey your worry to him, sweetly inquiring: "O my beloved, what is wrong?"

- When he falls short in fulfilling acts of worship and you sense that he is slackening in his duties, use the key of the indirect reminder. Use sentences like:

1. "May Allaah keep you safe for me! Had it not been for your advice, I could not have constantly observed prayer during the night."

2. "I will wait for you to come back from the mosque, so we can pray the voluntary prayers together."

3. "Do you remember the reading sessions of the Quran we had during the first days of our marriage? Those were great times; but, of course, every moment with you is wonderful. May Allaah reward you the best!"

4. "Your hastening to prayer when you hear the Athaan (call to prayer) makes me feel responsible and jealous at the same time."

5. "May Allaah unite us in Paradise and grant us both sincerity and steadfastness in obedience."

- When you feel he is starting to distance himself from you, there is no better means than the key of reform that Allaah The Almighty recommended you to follow. You should show him your affection, draw closer to him, take a look at your conduct and soften your voice to him which may have become hoarse from raising your voice at the children. Adorn yourself for him and comb that beautiful hair of yours, which may be in the same hairstyle for so long, what with it being under the headscarf that you only remove at night.

- When he experiences a problem at work, you should use the key of encouragement. Boost his confidence by comforting him and truthfully declaring what you feel, like saying: "By Allaah, even if they search high and low, they will not find anyone more efficient and sincere than you. As long as you satisfy Allaah The Almighty, do not worry, for relief is always around the corner and supplication blocks disasters."

- When you are both with your children, do not forget the key of planting respect for him in your children's hearts. Let him feel that he is the core of your life. When he brings something home, thank him, no matter how small it is; show your happiness to your children, saying, "Look at what your father brought for us; may Allaah keep him alive and protect him." If any child disrespects him, you are required to reprimand and warn him against repeating his action.

- At the dinner table, you should be careful that he is the first to eat.

- When he wants to rest, you should turn the home into an oasis of calm. You may stay with your children in a separate room for that period of time and avoid loud voices or disturbing movements.

- With his family and your own, use the key of respect.

- When you are together alone, you should use the key of femininity and beauty.

- When he talks, you should inspire him using the keys of attentive listening, admiration for the good he says and support.

- During times of dispute, you should use the keys of pride in him, seeking excuses for him, expecting only good of him as well as portraying a willingness to reconcile.

If you love your husband and want to spend the rest of your life with him, you will yourself find a key for every situation and a means to open every closed door. No matter how no-nonsense or platonic your husband might be, his heart which affirmed the choice of his religion and his mind which selected you as his spouse, cannot be more fortified than the home of my friend which was even opened by thieves.

However, you are not a thief, rather you are only claiming what is rightfully yours; the heart of your husband must not logically be stolen by anyone else.

لشيخ من مواليد عام 1970 م 1390هـ تتلمذ على عدد من المشائخ منهم: الشيخ/ عبد العزيز بن باز رحمه الله ولازمه إحدى عشرة سنة. الشيخ/عبد الله بن جبرين رحمه الله ولازمه ثلاث عشرة سنة. الشيخ/عبد الرحمن البراك الشيخ/عبد الله السعد.

برع الشيخ في علم العقيدة والحديث.. وهو مجاز في أكثر الكتب الحديثية؛..

له مكتبة عامرة تحوي بعض المخطوطات وآلاف الكتب







*Please click here if you can't see the above video.


leaf67I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married.

Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed.

This "disruption" came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman. When I decided I'd rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn't me to be in my personal space for the rest of my life.

This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none of which I would trade for the world.

However, I wish I'd had a bit more insight on the front end of our marriage to help me navigate it all.

According to most research, more than 50 percent of people who say "I do" will not be sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. And though Scripture is clear that adultery and abuse are reasons individuals might end a marriage, I'd be willing to bet that most challenges experienced in marriage are the result of unawareness. Most people—myself included—jump into marriage with suitcases full of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical intentions of marriage.


The following are thoughts on marriage that friends and mentors have shared with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called marriage both enjoyable and healthy.

Marriage is not about living happily ever after.

Here's the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her.

I'm intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I've given all I can possibly give, she somehow finds a way to ask for more.

The worst part of it all is that her demands aren't unreasonable. One day she expects me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she's looking for me to validate the way that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well deserves as a wife.

Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I know it shouldn't be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human.

I once read a book that alluded to the idea that marriage is the fire of life—that somehow it's designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness. In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not happiness. And although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow.

When we're willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our marriages quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience of life.

The more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs and lows of marriage—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid the low ones. Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes something like this: If one makes their husband or wife one of their most important priorities, all other areas of life benefit.


It's a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years. However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over marriage had produced little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy a test drive couldn't hurt.

For 31 days, I intentionally prioritised my wife, and then I tracked how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale, including career productivity and general quality of life.

To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences to prove that the more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me to invest deeply in to my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my career pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me.

Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.

Marriage can change the world.

John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a secular biologist, is often approached by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come around to asking, "What's the most important thing I can do as a father?"

Medina's answer alludes to a surprising truth.

In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my marriage a priority had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my 16-month-old son's behavior.

What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time, my child's behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my marriage.

Re-enter John Medina, the secular biologist. After years of biological research and several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, "What's the most important thing I can do as a father"?

"Go home and love your wife."

Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of Babywise, say it this way:

"A healthy marriage creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a child in their development process."

They go on to sum up their years of research by saying,

"In the end, great marriages produce great parents."

The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even whole. Yes, the investment we make into our marriage pays dividends for us. But, concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.

So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband.

loving-loveTHE more I read and talk to people, the more I think we are in love with love. Now don't get me wrong – love is nice. Love is beautiful. Love is sweet.

And I love a cute love story just as much as other people. Girl wants to marry guy but he's not interested. She's heartbroken but then she realizes he wasn't the right one for her and she marries someone better. Happily ever after, right?

I told a friend that it seems that people put so much energy, time, and effort into the wedding but not the marriage, and they focus on having the babies but not raising them. There's this desire to have the wonderful wedding, the wonderful guy, and the wonderful family, but then what? And where does Deen fit in?

Sooner or later in marriage, most likely during those times when you feel like you've had more downs than ups, you start to feel like love isn't enough.

Love doesn't equal dreamy happiness and love doesn't solve all the problems.

Love can be directed to different things and different people. We can do a lot in the name of love. But when we do things purely for the sake of love itself, and not out of love for Allah and trying to earn His pleasure, there will be many problems.

We should be getting married for the sake of Allah, and if things get to the point of divorce, we should separate for the sake of Allah. Not marry and divorce solely for the sake of love, or lack of it. And since we are on the topic of love and marriage, where in Islam does it say that being in love is a requirement?

Allah says, {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} (Qur'an, 30:21)

This isn't the same as the obsessive, consuming desire we see or read about. This isn't the "crazy in love" stuff or the "I'll do anything for you" love. This is a calm, moderate, purposeful love.

Have you ever had your spouse do something so nice, so extra loving? And then it seems like all the sadness, anger, or resentment and disappointment fades away? And everything seems okay after all? Or even with your kids...all of a sudden they will clean up without being asked, listen without having to be told twice, or show unexpected affection, and it seems like the world is great.

On the other hand, when your spouse makes you furious, when the kids are on their worst behavior, and when the house is a quickly everything seems to go wrong. When everything is based on love, and then something happens when it's taken out of the equation, you are left with nothing.

This happens when we become too attached to "love" and "good times", when our world seems to turn upside down when we don't have either one. It hurts.

And I think this is because we love "love and happiness" and fairy tale ideals. But then again who doesn't love these things? We all enjoy good times and ease. No one wants hardship or a cold marriage. But I think this focus on romance is a distraction from Shaitan. We get so caught up with being in love that when things go wrong (and they will because this is the dunya), couples want to separate or divorce. Couples want to give up. They think the relationship is hopeless because "the love isn't there anymore".

Some people think that love makes the marriage. They think if they aren't holding hands while taking long walks in the park or staring at each other over candlelight and roses, something is wrong. I knew a young woman who felt that something was missing because her husband hadn't fallen head over heels for her.

I read a question online recently. "What if God designed Marriage to make us Holy instead of Happy?"

This is something to consider. Perhaps Allah gave us marriage as a means to draw closer to Him, not to the dunya.

Your spouse is supposed to help you get closer to Allah, and marriage teaches you things about yourself you otherwise would not have learned. And that's what marriage is about.

Marriage isn't supposed to be this super relationship where you love your spouse more than you love yourself. Sometimes we think our spouse is supposed to do anything and everything for us, because they "love" us. And vice versa... we feel so "in love" that we would do almost anything to keep our spouse pleased. And we feel upset when we don't get that level of devotion in return. But the only One we need to love unconditionally is Allah, and then His messenger (peace be upon him). Not yourself or your desires. Not your spouse, and not even your children.

Allah says, "Say [O Muhammad, peace be upon him], if your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and Jihaad [i.e., fighting] in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command." (Qur'an, 9:24)

Allah also says, "Yet, there are those who chose to worship others beside Allah as rivals to Him, loving them as they should love Allah, but the believers have greater love for Allah." (Qur'an 2:165)


'Abdullah Ibn Hishaam, may Allah be pleased with him, said: "We were with the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) as he was holding 'Umar ibn Al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, by his hand. 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, said to the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam): "You are more beloved to me than everything except myself." The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) replied: "No O 'Umar! I swear by Him in whose hand is my soul, [you will not truly believe] until I become more beloved to you than your own self." Thereupon, 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, said: "I swear by Allah that you are now more beloved to me than myself." The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) replied: "Now! O 'Umar (i.e., now your faith is complete)." (Al-Bukhari).

Allah says, "The Prophet is more worthy of the believers than themselves." (Qur'an, 33: 6).

Look what happens when we love Allah and His messenger (peace be upon him) – Anas bin Malik, may Allah be pleased with him, said that a man asked the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam): "When will the (last) hour come?" He (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) replied: "What have you done to prepare for it?" The man replied: "Nothing, except the love I have for Allah and His Messenger." The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) replied: "You will be (on the Day of Judgment) with those whom you love." (Al-Bukhari).

Anas Ibn Malik, may Allah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said: "One who attains the following three things will taste the sweetness of faith: to make Allah and His Messenger more beloved to himself than anything else, to love a person for no other reason except for the sake of Allah, and to hate to return to disbelief just as much as he would hate to be thrown into fire." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim and others).

So when we do things out of love, let's do it because we love Allah and His messenger (peace be upon him)—and because our love for each other stems from this greater love. Let our love for Allah be the base and the reason for our actions and In-shaa'-Allah we will earn Allah's reward and mercy.

In this way, we will attain a greater happiness—in this world and the Hereafter, more than could be gained through "loving love."

V Rose HI MAY not know you. I may not know your name, where you come from, or where you live. But I know what you're going through.

I've been there. I know you just want to be happy. You just want your marriage, your husband, your home life to be...better. Happier. Easier.

I know you are tired of being sad. Tired of being unfulfilled. Tired of settling. Tired of wanting more. Tired of trying to make yourself stop caring.

I know sometimes you look up and wonder, "What happened to the ME I used to be?" You've bent, suppressed, and given up so much of yourself. Sometimes you wonder, "What am I doing here? What's the point? Maybe my life would be better if/when/there..."

I know you feel unnoticed and unappreciated. You can't get rid of the headaches, your eyes are tired, your hair needs attention, your hands are rough, your body is sore, your feet are cracked but most importantly, your heart feels empty.

But you know what? It's going to be okay. And yes, divorce is not always the solution.

You know how you start to compare your then and now? You wonder why you were happier and why you felt your iman back then? You wonder, "What happened? What changed?" Yeah, your situation changed...You had that thing, the issues were different, etc. but you changed too. You let your circumstances determine your happiness.

And if you keep doing that, you'll always be up and down, because that's how life is. But I don't want that for you. I want you to get to a place where you can say, "You know what? It's ok. It's not worth the arguing, the pain, the tears, and the inner turmoil."

We think happiness is always when and if. We think happiness is somewhere outside of us...somewhere outside of our current situation. But that's not true. Your happiness is up to you.

You can "choose" happiness. You don't have to wait until someone or something makes you happy. Instead of waiting for that one big change to bring joy and sunshine into your life, pay attention to the small drops of delight that abound throughout your day.

Everything will never be exactly the way you want. And if it is, it won't last long. That's just how life is. And that's ok. We have ups and we have downs. The good thing about the downs is that they tell us to slow down. To pray. To be grateful. To feel empathy for those who have it worse.

I saw a quote the other day...

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on."

And that's what you have to do sometimes.

You just hold on.

I know what it's like to reach that point where you feel like you're going to break. You're tired of going through the motions and you know you can't keep living like this. It's scary. It's scary because you don't know what's going to happen or what to do next but you know something has to change. And sooner or later, you realize, it's you. It's you that has to change. Because at this point, you know that nothing external will make it better. Getting a maid won't make it better. Having more money or even getting that divorce. You would still be unhappy. And that's how you know it's your heart. And so you give in. And you throw in the towel and turn back to where you should've been the whole time...with Allah.

You know, your marriage isn't the center of your life. The reality is you won't always feel the love, the happiness and fulfillment. I know you didn't get married to have a roommate and sometimes you feel like your marriage isn't benefitting you the way it's supposed to.

But don't spend too much time being sad. And don't let anyone stand in between you and your relationship with Allah. Not even your own self. You couldn't read Quran because you were just too upset. You couldn't pray because you couldn't concentrate. Or you couldn't sit and do your adhkar because your mind was everywhere.

But you know how you feel better after you take that first step back to Allah? That time you decided to pick up the Quran, maybe because you figured it's been a while. That time you couldn't stop crying in prayer. And then when you finished, you felt lighter. Well this time, keep going.

Remember the last time YOU did something and it made YOU feel happy? Or the other day when you laughed out loud, for a pretty long time, and you thought, "Wow, I can't remember the last time I laughed like that." Go do it again. Go make a nice cake, or put on some makeup and nice clothes, and do your hair. Play with your kids or go help someone. Do it for you. And then smile at yourself. Smile because it's going to be okay. You may not have everything you want and your relationship with your husband may not be where you want it to be, but Allah sees you. Allah knows your trying.

And one more thing, don't lose yourself in your marriage, trying to morph yourself into the perfect wife. Keep a little bit of yourself just for you. Because you need YOU.

And remember, you're not alone.

Allaah is sufficient for usImagine a store that sells husbands actually existing, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that MANY women are very difficult to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

*Moral of the Story: Try harder to be happy with what you have, look at your husbands good points instead of wondering, "if only....".

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ gave us the following advice:

"Look towards those who rank below you, so that you may get used to being thankful, and do not look at those who rank above you, lest you should despise the favours of Allah upon you" (Ibn Hibban).

"Whoever wakes up safely in his home and is healthy in his body and has provisions for his day, would have acquired all the worldly possessions he is in need of." (Tirmidhi)

muslimah-at-sunset2Alhamdulillah at the end of last month I have been married for 10 years. When I try to imagine a woman who has been married for 10 years, I think of someone matronly and responsible, someone serious and sensible. But in reality, although my responsibilities have grown, I don’t feel very different to that girl of 20 who said “I accept” at the nikaah (marriage vows). Ten years have gone by in a blur and so much has changed: pregnancy, children, house moves, job changes, deaths and pilgrimage. I look back at those years and I am amazed at the way time slipped past so quickly. What I have left after those 10 years is what I have learnt from marriage:

1. A marriage has its stages and its ebbs and flows, you can’t maintain the honeymoon period forever, but something as good or better, will replace it. So the first year my feet didn’t touch the ground and the second year we fought often because we were living alone for the first time and getting used to each other. In the following years we worked as a team as our children came into the world and we became more aware of our responsibilities to our wider families. Now at the end of our tenth year, alhamdulillah as our children get older, it feels like we are almost getting to know each other again.

2. Don’t assume what the other is thinking. I have sat there stewing on many occasions thinking my other half is annoyed with me, that he disagrees with something and isn’t saying or thinks badly about me for something I have said or done. On finally asking him, I have found that he is thinking about whether he should change the tires on the car and has no clue on what I am fretting about. I have no idea why we make ourselves suffer in this way.

3. Each day, in every moment we are in, we have the opportunity to forgive and move on. It’s our own choice whether we are willing to let go of our ego and false pride and be big enough to stop apportioning blame or want to hold on to petty things and keep on hurting ourselves and each other.

4. A little bit of kindness and sympathy goes so much further than a pretty face, nice gifts or outings. I realised after a while that a sympathetic word meant so much more to my husband than wearing something pretty. I also know how much a thoughtful word or asking me how I am means when I need it most.

Perhaps after another 10 years I will look back and have a new set of new things that I learned, but who's promised tomorrow.


pinkflowersgreenleaves- Allâh Almighty says: {Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.).} [An-Nisa`4: 34]

- It was narrated that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “This life is a delight, and the best of its delight is a righteous wife.” [Reported by Muslim]

- It was narrated on the authority of Abu Hurairah, may Allâh be pleased with him, that the Prophet, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [Reported by Muslim]

The Prophet, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, also said: “If a woman offers her five (daily prayers) and fasts her month and guards her private parts and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter Paradise from whichever of its gates you wish.” [Al-Albâni deemed it Sahih (authentic); Sahih Al-Jâmi‘]

The Prophet, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, also said: “Your women from the people of Paradise are the loving and fertile, the one who is an asset to her husband, whom if he gets angry - comes and places her hand in the hand of her husband and says, ‘By Allâh, I will not taste sleep until you are pleased (with me).” [Al-Muhaddith; Al-Albâni. It has a chain of trustworthy narrators who meet the criteria of Muslim except that Khalaf was confused with the other, but there are many other witnessing narrations to support it]

Beware of:

hijaabi77831- Incurring the anger of your husband:

It was narrated that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “There are three whose prayers do not go any further than their ears: A runaway slave until he returns, a woman who spent the night with her husband being angry with her, and one who leads people in prayer when they dislike him.” [Al-Albâni deemed it Hasan] (good); Sahih At-Tirmithi]

2- Harming your husband:

It was narrated on the authority of Mu‘adh, may Allâh be pleased with him, that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “No woman offends her husband in this world but his wife among the Hoor Al-‘iyn says, ‘Do not offend him, may Allâh kill you, for he is only with you for a short time and soon he will leave you and come to us.” [Reported by At-Tirmidhi and Al-Albâni deemed it Sahih (authentic); Sahih Al-Jâmi‘]

3- Being ungrateful to the grace of marriage:

Imam Muslim narrated in his Sahih that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “I also saw the Hellfire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of its inhabitants were women." The people asked, "O Messenger of Allâh! Why is that?" He, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, replied, "Because of their ungratefulness." It was asked whether they are ungrateful to Allâh The Almighty. He, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said, "They are ungrateful to their companions of life (husbands) and ungrateful to good deeds. If you are benevolent to one of them throughout the life and if she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, 'I have never had any good from you.” [Reported in Sahih Muslim]

4- Asking divorce with no compelling reason or religious acceptable justification:

It was narrated on the authority of Thawbân, may Allâh be pleased with him, that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce with no compelling reason, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.” [Al-Albâni deemed it Sahih (authentic); Sahih Al-Jâmi‘]

5- Disobeying him in that which is allowed:

But you can obey him in that which is not allowed. It was narrated that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “No obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience to the Creator (i.e. Allâh The Almighty).” [Al-Albâni deemed it Sahih (authentic)

6- Observing voluntary fasts when your husband is present without his permission:

It was narrated on the authority of Abu Hurairah, may Allâh be pleased with him, that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “No woman should fast when her husband is present except with his permission.” [Reported by Muslim]

7- Refusing to enable your husband from enjoying and having intimacy with you:

It was narrated that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “If a husband calls his wife to his bed (to have sexual relations) and she refuses (i.e. for no reason) and causes him to sleep in anger, the Angels will curse her till morning.” [Reported by Muslim]

8- Disclosing and spreading the secrets of marital and sexual relations.


9- Taking off clothes in a house other than the husband’s house unnecessarily.


10- Allowing anyone to enter his house except with his permission and knowing that he will be alright with it.


11- Going out of his house except with his permission and knowing that he will be alright with it.

Furthermore, woman should serve her husband with a wholehearted devotion, for it was narrated that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “If the woman knew the full extent of the right of her husband, she would not sit in his presence while he is eating his lunch and dinner until he finishes eating.” [Al-Albâni deemed it Sahih (authentic)]

Amongst the rights of the wife over her husband

It was narrated that the Messenger of Allâh, Prayers and peace of Allâh be upon him, said: “That you should feed her when you feed yourself, clothe her when you clothe yourself, you should not hit her on the face, you should not curse her and you should not forsake her except in the house.” [Al-Albâni deemed it Sahih (authentic)]

Dear Muslim sister! Think about yourself and how many good attributes you have. Moreover, try hard to attain them in yourself so as to please Allâh The Almighty and achieve for yourself, your husband and your children a good happy life in the worldly life and the Hereafter Inshaa'Allah.


familyyfatherchildAs soon as I wrote that down I thought of those 60’s style magazine article’s that used to tell people to have the house perfect, look perfect and have the perfect martini ready in hand. But that’s not quite what I have in mind.

Alhamdulillah, my husband has always been a very patient man maashaa’Allah. He has treated me well from the beginning, putting up with tantrums, sulks, tears and mischief with grace and kindness. I have never been very domesticated (much to my mum’s complaints before I got married that my mother-in-law will hold her responsible for not having taught me anything!). This coupled with hubby being someone who does his fair share, means that I have skived off of housework quite a bit – including never having done more than the basic amount of ironing required for work and certainly not his.

Over the years his kindness has changed me more than any amount of reprimands or bullying could ever have done. At some point in our marriage I came to the conclusion that a man this good does not deserve a lazy, rude cow for a wife and that I must try harder.

I have always had a nasty temper (as my sisters will testify after I spent half of my teenage years terrorising them – including the time I hit Long Suffering Sister over the head with a humungous hardback book in the public library and scared the life out of an old man standing near by). I prayed during hajj for the anger to go away and for me to stop hurting people (and books). I thought perhaps my prayers had not been answered, but I found that instead of disappearing overnight, my anger has mellowed over the last five years or so. This is particularly important considering my kids deserve a mother who isn’t taking her anger out on them.

Anyway, I thought that being nice to him, mostly agreeing with what he wants and helping take care of his family constituted a good wife and was enough. That was until I met some lovely sisters during Ramadhaan who taught me what caring for your husband was about for a Muslim wife.

I spent some time with them and observed what role the care of their husbands had in their lives. At the approach of iftaar time (when we break the fast), I would think “I’m hungry, where’s the food”. The sister would think “he has been fasting today, what will he want to eat?” She would make fresh food separately for him to suit his specialised diet. Another sister would be busy washing and ironing her husband’s clothes. A third would be concerned that he should get up for time for his dawn meal before he began his fast.

They could not believe I didn’t do these things as a matter of course, they were amazed my husband did so much for me. It really made me understand that I should appreciate what I have and take care of those I value. The way we are raised in modern society is to value equality and part of that is not doing things for others and avoiding domesticity lest it make us appear that we are under the thumb of a man. A woman who does nice things for her husband is laughed and told to get a backbone instead of being encouraged.

musilimfamilyI promised myself I would turn over a new leaf and try harder. Now this does not necessitate turning into a Stepford wife and spending the rest of your life chained to an ironing board. For me it simply meant being a bit more thoughtful about the way I behave in our home and marriage. I have to cook anyway, so why not something he likes (it doesn’t help that he is not fussy maashaa’Allah and will not say what he prefers, so after ten years I am still trying to work out what he likes). I am about to iron my abaayah, let me iron one of his clothes and put it on a hanger for him for when he gets back from work (he was dumbstruck for quite some time when this started happening!)

It’s not just about domestic chores though. I found myself biting my tongue more and letting things go more. In the end this meant more inner peace for me. Less reacting and more reflecting on what is being said. You may not agree with what the other person said, but you don’t have to answer EVERY SINGLE time, sometimes it easier to smile and leave it. Also less reacting and more responding gently; so I might not agree with what he says and I might not want to stay silent, but I don’t have to get upset. I might laugh it off or tease him about it so he understands that I don’t agree or he sees my point of view at least.

Trying to be a better wife has also meant listening to him. Considering his ideas or thoughts without instantly reacting with your assessment of whether it fits in with what you want or not.

Another aspect has been about the way I talk about him to our children. We have always presented a united front and when one gets told off by one of us they have long ago realised there is not point going to the other parent for consolation. However, we sometimes make comments about our spouses in front of our children that they will internalise: “Oh that’s just like Daddy, he’s ever so messy”. I am having to learn to bite my tongue on this one.

Finally it is about defending your partner in front of the wider family and community. My number one golden rule is never, ever take an argument back to your parents. If there is violence or abuse involved that’s different and you should look for help. If he annoyed you, or you upset him over the normal things that couples argue about: money, in-laws, work stress, housework etc, then keep the argument amongst yourselves and resolve between yourselves as far as possible. You may mention this to your family, complain and then feel better and go home and patch things up. You will both probably forget all about it, but your family will not. Your spouse will permanently have fallen in the sight of their in-laws even if the fault does not lie with that person.

I also don’t allow my cousin’s or aunts to bad-mouth my husband. I used to defend him nervously to relatives who liked to say mean things (I am sure I am not the only one who has plenty of those), until I realised he won’t let anyone say a word against me. That really heartened me and anyone who tried it now would get an earful they wouldn’t forget.

All of the things I have mentioned are just thoughts and I am struggling against my schooling and socialisation and nafs (ego) to try and come close to implementing these things in my life. But the underlying factor for any of them seems to be a little thoughtfulness, trying to think your actions through rather than reacting instantly and a little patience. It also helps to change your mindset from thinking about what "I want", to thinking about "what is best for us collectively", especially when you have children. Anyone can argue that you are being selfish when you focus on what you want, but when the focus is on the collective good and is through mashwerah (mutual agreement), there is nothing to argue about (in theory, some men will opine that women can find something to argue about in any situation).

Last of all, there is something small and easy we can do but which brings big results: make du'a (supplicate) to Allah (SWT). I ask Allah (SWT) to let us love each other for the sake of Allah (SWT) and for us to spend our lives together in the path of Allah (SWT) and to please Him. I make dua for my sisters that they find peace, respect and affection from their spouses and that their marriages become a means to attain Allah’s (SWT) pleasure inshaa’Allah. Aameen.


sisterandhusbandAllah Swt, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, created the bonds of marriage as a permissible, enjoyable means of uniting two strangers to live with each other in love and peace. Theoretically this exists, but sadly the reality is that it isn’t always maintained and many Muslim marriages are breaking down.

Everyone is demanding their rights yet they fail to think from the other angle and neglect to fulfil rights of others. When a situation becomes very black and white people forget the essence of Islam; justice, forgiveness and humility. These qualities are lost in an argument and so a cold war ensues between husband and wife.

Keeping in line with rights, the greatest right of a woman is to be treated with kindness, but on the other hand the greatest right a husband has over the wife is Respect. Anger and displaying angry behaviour is a very disrespectful way of behaving with someone. Similarly provoking and angering the husband tantamount to disrespect. Marital breakdown is usually a consequence of anger and acting upon anger in hastiness.

In order for a wife to respect her husband she must first understand and avoid factors that anger him. Anger manifests itself in different ways but it tends to have a deeper underlying cause. A wife must try to decipher what the root cause of the anger is before any solutions can be reached. The following are a few reasons as to what can anger a husband, ranging from minor to major causes:

Hunger - Hunger can make someone very irritable and short tempered. A husband expects food to be ready when he comes home from work. This may seem insignificant, but if this happens regularly then it might be an indication of his displeasure at his wife’s time management/ organisational skills and lack of consideration.

Neglecting Children and household duties - A wife may have commitments elsewhere, eg. Work, da'wah activities, personal hobbies. As a result children or managing the household is neglected. This indicates that your husband may be displeased with your priorities and may want you to reassess your commitments.

Work/money problems - Finance can usually cause a huge strain on marriages, and the pressure of being the breadwinner can take its toll. However if the wife is oblivious to the husbands situation and spends endlessly then this means she doesn’t acknowledge his effort and is abusing his generosity. Alternately the husband may be having problems at work that he can’t discuss with his wife, leading to feelings of inadequacy and fear of redundancy.

Family problem - He may be having problems with his own family which he can’t tell you about, but which affect him deeply. Being in the dark will only make you question and misunderstand and it may anger him at your lack of sensitivity.

Mistreating someone he loves - You may not have showed good conduct or hurt someone who he loves and respects, such as his family members or close friends. Your words/actions may or may not have been intentional, but someone was hurt by it and informed your husband, thereby causing him hurt and anger.

Hurting him with previous words/actions - Maybe you had said or did something quite a long time ago that really hurt him, but which he didn’t mention at the time. Consequently he had let the issue grow and took his anger randomly out on you at a later point.

Making him feel inferior - You might be a very confident, successful person, who is good at multitasking. If you are arrogant in your approach then this will convey through your words/actions that you have no need for him or be undermining his authority. To him it may indicate your lack of gratefulness and recognition of his qualities and capabilities.

Committed a sin/not doing Fardh duties - You may be committing a grave sin that your husband may or may not be aware of, but punishment is such that it can indirectly affect your marriage, particularly if a woman is unchaste. Alternately you may not be doing your fard obligations e.g. salah, not observing proper hijab or engaging in unislamic activities, music, dance, etc.

Socialising/going out too much - Your husband might dislike who you socialise with or that you socialise too often. He may think that you’re taking advantage of his leniency or that you’re never available when he wants you to be. This may result in neglecting him and the household. Husbands have a sense of gheerah (exclusivity/possessiveness) so he might feel this is infringed if you go out so often.

Not fulfilling his desires - You may be not be fulfilling his desire properly or refusing to do so altogether. This can lead to frustration and anger, as well as a cause for him to look elsewhere.

Not allowing him to spend sufficient time with children/family - You have a problem with him spending significant amounts of time with the children or you deny him access to children (if separate), or you dislike him spending time with his own family or someone else he is close to.

These are only a few suggestions, there are of course many more which are unique to each marriage. This is in no way suggesting that men are blameless in these scenarios, rather it is a step towards understanding why we blame them. Neither should women feel that it is biased towards men as it just presents one side, it is general advice for women as a whole to try and understand from the other angle. To present from the woman’s angle would have to be discussed as a separate issue.

Wives should bear the following advice in mind when trying to resolve a problem. Understand to the best of your ability what the problem is, accept where you have gone wrong even if it may be hard to. Have the most sincere of intentions to please Allah and your husband, do plenty of nafl (optional salat), and recite often and earnestly make dua that Allah swt gives you patience and understanding.

Pray that Allah reunites your hearts and brings you closer.


hijabi56Life with our spouse is a voyage and can be eternally blissful depending on our attitude to each other. We sometimes have a dispute or encounter a "small" problem in our marriage and easily forget the thousands of pleasurable and blissful moments before that event.

A student was shown by his teacher a beautiful huge white silk cloth with a tiny black spot on it. His teacher asked him what he observed and he promptly replied that there is a black spot on the cloth. His teacher replied with a loving smile; "actually, son, this is a beautiful white silk cloth and oh yes, if you look closely you will see a tiny black spot!"

As human beings we often tend to look at the weakness or fault instead of concentrating on the beauty which in most cases surpasses the defect. This is so pertinent when we look at our marital relationship.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) is reported to have said: "A believing man must not dislike a believing woman (wife) if he dislikes one of her traits, he should remember that there are other traits that he likes." (Hadith-Muslim) 

The wife should remember that the husband has put up with all her frivolities thousands of times, what is there if he is hard with me just this once?  The husband on the other hand should also ponder over the thousands of times his wife had served him with love and diligently.

A Muslim is always tolerant and forgiving, overlooking any errors on his or her partner and does not bear a grudge for such errors or remind him or her about them every so often. There is no quality that will endear them to each other like the quality of tolerance and forgiveness, and there is nothing that will turn them against each other like resentment, counting faults and reminding about mistakes.

Allah Ta'ala admonishes us: {Let them forgive and overlook, do you not wish that Allah should forgive you? . . .} (Qur'an 24:22) 

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) is reported to have said: "A believer is not a fault-finder and is not abusive, obscene, or course." (Hadith- Bukhari)

May Allah give us the strength and courage to overlook the faults of each other, show tolerance and respect for our spouses, parents and children….Aameen.


V Rose HWe are all searching for happiness. In achieving this happiness our attitude in life plays a crucial role.

After years of hard and dedicated service to his Company, Ahmed was being appointed at an elegant reception as the new Director. It was a small function where his wife Fatimah, a Home Executive, and some of the wives of the other persons in top management were also present.

In an adjacent room, Ann, the wife of the CEO of the Company, asked Ahmed's wife a very odd and unusual question; "Does your husband make you happy?"

The husband, Ahmed, who at that moment was not at her side, but was sufficiently near to hear the question, paid attention to the conversation, sitting up slightly, feeling secure, even filling his chest lightly in pride and hope, knowing that his spouse was a role model Muslimah and would definitely not publically lower or degrade her husband, would answer affirmatively, since she had always been there for him during their marriage and generally in life... Nevertheless, to both his and the others surprise, she replied simply:

"No, no he doesn't make me happy…"

The room became uncomfortably silent, as if everyone were listening to the spouse's response. There was a sudden coldness in the air. The husband was petrified. A frown appeared on his face. He couldn't believe what his wife was saying, especially at such an important occasion for him, to the amazement of her husband and of everyone!

Fatimah sat up firmly, moved her elegant black hijab in place, and explained in a modest but stern tone to the other wives who were present;

"No, he doesn't make me happy… I AM HAPPY. The fact that I am happy or not doesn't depend on him, but on me. Allah Ta'ala is Most Wise and has granted each of us intellect and discretion to reason, interpret and decide. Allah Ta'ala made me the person upon which my happiness depends. I make the choice to be happy in each situation and in each moment of my life. If my happiness were to depend on other people, on other things or circumstances on the face of this earth, I would be in serious trouble! Over my life I have learned a couple of things: I decide to be happy and the rest is a matter of 'experiences or circumstances', like: helping, understanding, accepting, listening, consoling. With my spouse, I have lived and practiced this many times. Honestly, true happiness lies in being content"

Relieved and reassured, a smile was clearly noticed on Ahmed's face.

Moral: Happiness will always be found in contentment, forgiveness and in loving yourself and others. To truly love is difficult; it is to forgive unconditionally, to live, to take the "experiences or circumstances" as they are, facing them together and being happy with conviction. There are those who say I cannot be happy :

• Because I am sick.

• Because I have no money.

• Because it's too cold.

• Because they insulted me.

• Because someone stopped loving me.

• Because someone didn't appreciate me.

But what you don't know is that you can be happy even though you are sick, whether it is too hot, whether you have money or not, whether someone has insulted you, or someone didn't love you, or hasn't valued you.

The Noble Messenger of Allah Ta'ala is reported to have said: "The happiness of the son of Adam depends on his being content with what Allah has decreed for him…the misery of the son of Adam results from in his discontent with what Allah has decreed for him." (Hadith- Tirmidhi)

Being Happy is an attitude about life and each one of us must decide!

Being Happy, depends on you!


niqaab6767You've moved past that giddy "honeymoon phase" and settled into a comfortable lifestyle with your spouse. You revel in each other's company and companionship but....dare we say it, life is getting a little, uh, boring.

It’s a problem researchers at Stony Brook University found in a 2009 study on boredom in marriages. In fact, they concluded the ennui leads to a decline in marital satisfaction.

Many couples experience this "marriage boredom" at some point. It seems to be a natural outgrowth of a stable relationship. In particular, once children come along, routine and regularity become necessary.

So gone are the days when a couple could just head out to a spur of the moment long (or short) drive. Now, diaper bags and detailed planning are a must to pull off this feat. Or just going out for dinner at a new restaurant requires careful preparation around nap and feeding times or exams and extracurricular activities.

The key to reestablishing some kind of fun and excitement in your relationship doesn't require much money or even time, something busy couples today are often short of. But it does call for a little planning, as counter-intuitive as that sounds.

Here are a couple of ideas to get you started:

1. Imagine your spouse as a kid

Kids are often considered part of the reason for "marriage boredom", but in fact, they help spouses see each other in a new light. Parenting reveals not only more about a person’s character, but also, personal history and likes and dislikes, whether that’s a favorite childhood cartoon or toy, or even a game played with their own parents when they were young.

Use this new knowledge to your advantage. Surprise your spouse on a Friday evening once you have some alone time by making or buying their favorite childhood snack, and playing a game of Pac-Man or Donkey Kong for good measure.

2. Start a new good deed together

This can range from going to Friday prayers together and teaching at a weekend Islamic school, to taking turns caring for an elderly relative. Choose your deed and watch your blessings and your bonding increase.

3. Start eating together

Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "Eat together and not separately, for the blessing is associated with the company" (Tirmidhi). Studies in the United States over the last decade have also noted that when families eat together, everyone’s nutrition improves, along with communication between family members.

While this may not be possible everyday, especially between jobs, extracurricular activities and other family commitments, make it a priority at least one day on the weekend.

Also, if dinner is not possible, consider eating breakfast or lunch together if the later hours are too busy.

4. Make Umrah or Hajj together

A brother I know once remarked that making Hajj with your spouse is the ultimate bonding experience. Facing Allah together is bound to strengthen your relationship and remind you not only as individuals of the purpose of life, but how you both, as a couple, can help each other reach that goal.

5. Pray together

In situations where you cannot pray in the Masjid in a congregation, make Salaah with your spouse instead of individually. There is power in the Jam'ah (group) even when it is simply the two of you.

sisterandhusband6. Engage in some "Halal dating"

Muslims born, raised or living in Western countries have grown up watching or regularly witness couples date. Dating is a staple of teenage life, as expressed in high school hallways, on television shows, in movies, and in novels. It is part of the working world, where co-workers often date each other. In 2007, the Oregon-based Online Dating Magazine estimated that more than 20 million people visit at least one online dating service a month.

For Muslims, marriage is the ultimate dating opportunity. So go ahead, use those cheesy pickup lines you heard on your favorite sitcom; find a babysitter and go out on a date at a swanky restaurant; bat your eyelashes; flirt. Do all that stuff that was off limits before marriage but totally Halaal with your spouse.

7. Write that "heartfelt letter", preferably by hand

In his book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff, Dr. Richard Carlson encourages readers to write a heartfelt letter to those in your life who have influenced you positively. The letter is an expression of appreciation and thanks. Draft a letter (preferably by hand versus email, and no tweets or Facebook wall posts allowed) to your spouse, sharing why you're glad to have them around.

8. Imagine your last day together

The Prophet advised Muslims to pray each of the five daily prayers as if it is their last one (Ahmad). Taking this ideal into account, imagine your last day with your spouse, cut short by death. As morbid as this sounds, it will give you and your significant other a new appreciation of what you have and what will eventually come to an end.

9. Switch roles for a day

On a day when neither of you have to work outside the home, take on the tasks the other would normally do. This will not only add that much needed "spice", but possibly, a zinger and reality check as well.

10. Travel together

Umar ibn al Khattab once said that to truly know a person, an individual must travel with them, do business with them or be their neighbor. Since you already live together and deal with money issues regularly, don't neglect the third way to better know your spouse: travel.

Even if it's just a day trip, make time to check out a new destination, be it a natural wonder, a new point of interest in your state or a Masjid or Islamic center in a neighboring town. Seeing new sights together is an adventure that will add excitement to your relationship.


shining_flowerFaith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple. Since Islaam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.

For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.

Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) asked his Companions ‘Do you wish that Allah should forgive you?' they said, 'Of course O Prophet of Allah.' He responded, ‘Then forgive each other'.

One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.

If we expect Allah to forgive us then we must learn to forgive.

Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.

Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakkul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr" (Quran, chapter 103).

Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.

We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.

Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.

First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.

We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.

This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Furthermore the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

shiningniqaabFriendly: Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.

Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.

Fun: Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet (peace be upon him) was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or going to a restaurant is another way of sharing a laugh.

Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islaam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.

The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islaam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.

Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.

Finance: One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.

It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islaam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family

Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.

Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is that family comes first.

Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.

A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .

Feelings: Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.

musilimfamilyCouples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. To allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.

Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.

Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.

Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.

Fulfilling: To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

Fallible: It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.

Fondness: So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.

Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.


niqaabisfriendsAlthough many Muslims may right now be in failing marriages and on a fast track to divorce and its terrible consequences, there are many ways to put their marriage back on the right track if the husband and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile. The following principles can be used by Muslims whose marriages are already in trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid trouble in their marriage.

Examples of Negative Relationship of Husband & Wife

Many Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family.

Marriage In The Eyes of Allah

It is very sad that this relationship which Allah Almighty has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.

Allah Almighty described marriage very differently in the Holy Quran: '. . . He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . " (Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).

Be Partners in the Decision Making Process.

Follow the principle of 'Shura," and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some part in making them.

Never be Emotionally Abusive

Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (peace be upon him) never mistreated his wives.

insalahhijabBe Careful of Your Words

Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.

Show Affection

Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.

Be Your Spouse's Friend

Show interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each other's lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same project. They could perhaps establish a husband/wife prison ministry, take care of orphans in their home, or lead an Islamic weekend class.

Show Appreciation

Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family. No one likes to feel unappreciated.

Communication is Important

Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big word in counseling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs.

Forget Past Problems

Don't bring up past problems once they have been solved.

Live Simply

Don't be jealous of those who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. The 'rizq" is from Allah Almighty. In order to develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah Almighty for the many blessings in your life.

Give Your Spouse Time Alone

If your mate doesn't want to be with you all the time, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you. People need to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax. Don't make them feel that they are committing a sin.

Admit Your Mistakes

When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.

Physical Relationship is Important

Be available to your mate sexually, and don't let your sexual relationship be characterized by selfishness.

Have Meals Together

Try to eat together as a family when possible. Show the cook and the dishwasher, whether it is the husband or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The Prophet (peace be upon him) did not complain about food that was put before him.

Be Mindful of Your discussion Topics

Never discuss with others things about your marriage that your spouse wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there is an Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster. Information about your intimate relations should be kept between you and your spouse.

Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times --- when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. After a bad day at the office, husbands usually come home angry and on edge. The wife has probably also had a hard day with the children and the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.


Good marriages require:

  • patience,
  • kindness,
  • humility,
  • sacrifice,
  • empathy,
  • love,
  • understanding,
  • forgiveness,
  • and hard work.

Following these principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success. If you discard this rule, failure is just around the corner.


Flowers wallpapers 419Marriages usually start off so nicely. Everyone cooperates-the couple, their parents, other relatives, friends. Things usually run smoothly.

But somewhere along the way, marital disputes pop up. This is of course natural, but these can escalate to dangerous levels if not dealt with correctly.

1. Money

Couples argue over many things but money is by far one of the most frequent and serious. The solution is to discuss issues openly and consult within the family.

For instance, the issue of a wife working outside the home can become a contentious one. This should preferably be discussed before marriage. Also, if she does decide to work and the husband agrees, does she want to contribute a certain portion to household expenses or will she keep all of the money for herself (which is her right)?

One of the ways to avoid arguments about money is to simply make an easy budget which tracks expenses, income, investments, and establishes a framework for taking care of regular family necessities.

Also, learn how to make a budget and deal with debt. If you are a young student, keep in mind you have to pay off student loans. You should also know where to get interest-free loans and what assistance is available.

2. In-laws

In-laws are the focus of blame and reproach when there are marital disputes. But there are ways to maintain a good relationship with them. Here are some tips:

  • Remember your spouse's parents have known them longer and loved them longer. Never make an issue about "me or them".
  • Let respective parties settle their own disputes. If your mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with it. Don't interfere
  • Don't tell your spouse how to improve their relationship with their parents.
  • Expect some adjustment time for parents after marriage to adjust to this new relationship.
  • Remember that mothers are usually skeptical about daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
  • Always strive to treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.
  • Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.
  • Never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad.
  • Do not go to your parents with unnecessary quarrels.
  • If you are supporting your parents financially with your spouse's money it may be best to inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.
  • Do not forbid your spouse from seeing family unless you fear for their religion and safety.
  • Do not divulge secrets.
  • Make time to know your in-laws but stay out of their disputes.
  • Maintain the Adab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and brother-in-laws ( hugging or kissing).
  • Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their grandchildren.
  • Be forgiving and keep your sense of humor.
  • Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to.
  • Visit them when you can and encourage your spouse to visit their parents and regularly check on them.
  • When parents become dependent on their children, a serious discussion with all parties present should take place. Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement must be worked out.

3. Parenting

The tug of war that results from differing understandings of parenting are also a source of tension in marriage. One solution is to start learning about Islamic parenting before having children. If you already have kids, you can still learn as resources are easily available.

4. Stress

Stress is an almost constant factor in most people's lives in North America. Muslim couples are no exception. Stress from work, for example, is carried into the home.

Couples and families need to work out a coping mechanism in the family. For instance, couples can take a walk to talk about the day or go to the Masjid for at least one prayer. They can read Quran individually or together. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halaal and work, they can be used.

5. Domestic violence

This is an extremely sad reality and unless it is dealt with promptly by victims, perpetrators and/or those concerned about the two, then the family will break. Seeking help is necessary and if domestic violence is not stopped, the destructive effects will not only be harmful to the husband and wife, but to their children as well.

Family members, friends and Imams need to stop the abuse. They must intervene and work on getting help for the husband and the wife.

6. Spiritual incompatibility

This is a growing problem in North America, where Muslims from all around the world live and different understandings of Islaam are present. There is a disturbing lack of tolerance amongst young Muslims, especially, who may get sucked into cult-like groups which preach a "we're right and everyone else is wrong" mentality, whether the issue is where you put your hands in prayer or whether you decide to wear Western clothes or traditional Eastern ones.

This intolerance is being transferred to marriages, where a couple may differ on minor points of faith. Married couples must understand the difference between an Islamically acceptable difference of opinion and one that is not. They must develop a tolerance, balance and respect for their differences on that basis.

7. Sexual dysfunction

This is one of the least talked about problems, but it is one that is wreaking havoc in a number of marriages. Many couples who are marrying are not learning the Islamic perspective on sex and marriage. As a result, when they are not satisfied with their spouse, a number of them may turn to others or seek easy divorce, instead of a solution.

Couples have to understand that the marital relationship in this area, as in others, needs work and patience and cannot be the subject of whims and impatience. Knowledge, practice and if possible, the advice of a wise, compassionate scholar are two key elements in finding a solution to this problem.

8. Interfaith marriages

Islam forbids marriage between Muslim women and non-Muslim men. There are a number of Muslim women who have taken this step and regretted it later. Such an action, in most Muslim families, results in the woman being isolated from her family with no support. As a result, when marital disputes do arise, parental support, which is there for many Muslim couples, is not there for these women. These Muslim women may also experience guilt for disobeying Allah and hurting their parents.

In other cases, Muslim women ask non-Muslim men they want to marry to convert shortly before the marriage to appease their parents. Again this can lead to marital disputes. Two things usually happen. Either the man becomes a truly practicing Muslim and the couple is no longer compatible; or he's bombarded with Muslims from the community wanting to invite him to Islaam and he gets upset and may hate Islaam.

9. Intercultural marriages

While Islam does not forbid intercultural marriages, they can become a source of tension when Muslims, primarily the couple, but also their families, make their culture more important than Islaam. If parental support is there for an intercultural marriage, things are smoother for the couple. If there is not, and if there is even hostile opposition on the part of one or both sets of parents, it could be better to not marry the person in the long run.

10. Lack of domestic skills

While girls are being encouraged to become scientists, engineers and doctors, for instance, there is little to no emphasis being placed on gaining domestic skills. It should be remembered that in Islaam, while women are not forbidden from working within Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with housework, women's primary duty is within the home as a home manager and mother. As a result of the lack of domestic skills, many married couples find themselves in messy homes, where meals lack proper nutrition and in general, there is frustration.

But what is clear is that boys and girls are being raised very differently. Parents have to be more careful to give proper training to both children.


lotusflower1More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).

The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.

Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.

1. Lack of proper information before marriage

A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:

  • whether or not the wife will work outside the home
  • will the couple wait to have children
  • which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
  • will they live with his parents or have their own apartment

These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.

2. Who's in charge?

One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.

Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise. A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.

Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.

3. The divorce option

Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage. It should be remembered that couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.

They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.

4. Sexual problems

It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.

In the sex-saturated culture of North America, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.

In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.

It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halaal (permissible) and what is Haraam (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.

On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.

5. In-laws

The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.

Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.

As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.

In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.

6. Realism

Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.

This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.

Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.

6. Making a schedule and establishing rituals

Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.

This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.

Some rituals couples can establish may include:

  • praying at least one prayer together
  • attending a study circle together once a week
  • deciding on a weekly menu
  • having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
  • setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
  • setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
  • setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
  • making a phone contacting during the day
  • deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents

By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.

7. Marriage as a restriction

Muslim men who have grown up in North America may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if not earlier.

While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.

8. Friends and Islamic activities

Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.

But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.

Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.

Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could be:

  • working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately
  • developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses

Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.

Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.

9. Not keeping secrets

A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.

Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.

10. Finances

How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.

To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.

11. Give each other space

A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.

Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.

Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.

The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.


muslimfamilyIn Surah An-Nahl (Sura 16) in the Qur’an, Allah Almighty says, “And Allah has made for you in your homes an abode.”

What does the home represent to the Muslim family? Is it a place where family members can relate to one another and where they can sincerely enjoy being together? Is it a place where they have a sense of shared beliefs and values, and in which their behavior is based on Islamic principles? Is it a place where family members are protected, happy and kind to one another?

The home should not be just a place where people eat, rest and sleep; indeed, the home is the place where we spend most of our time, and where families spend most of their time together. It is the place where husbands and wives can be alone together. Therefore, the home is a place where families should worship together, and it should be based on Allah’s ('azza wa jall) rules and guidance. It has been reported by Ibn Abi Aldunia and others (Sahih al-Jaami) that, “When Allah loves the people of a household, he introduces kindness among them.”

The question we face now is: “In an age in which the world has changed profoundly, from being a basically pro-family to anti-family society, how many Muslim homes possess these beautiful qualities? It is time to stop and re-examine our family situations to determine to what degree they have been affected by our larger society?"

Although it is difficult to obtain statistical information pertaining specifically to the healthiness of Muslim homes, several different sources and the occurrence of certain situations in our community indicate that Muslim families are also experiencing social and personal problems as well.

Consider that there has been a marked increase within our community in the following:

1) Separation and divorce rates;

2) The percentage of families headed by a single parent;

3) Teenagers;

4) Disagreements, tension and conflict among married couples;

5) Intergenerational conflict;

6) The rate of depression, particularly among wives;

7) Domestic violence involving teens.

Reasons Behind These Problems

muslimfamily678What are the real reasons behind the changes that are occurring within Muslim families?

In the past, it was far easier to successfully raise a family because society itself supported our efforts. Parents and children were surrounded by positive role models; the media reinforced family values, and support systems existed to help create strong families. However, over the past thirty years, these factors have changed dramatically, and these changes have produced powerfully negative effects on our families.

Today, almost everything around us tends to minimize positive family values and principles. As our families are a part of an increasingly immoral society, they have been attacked and polluted as well – whether we like it or not. Even though our values and principles may have helped us to resist these changes, like others in our society, we are still vulnerable to the negative influences around us. Those that are weak in their Islamic practice and that lack wisdom and judgment are particularly likely to succumb to the mental poisoning that takes place nowadays.

However, we cannot completely blame the times and the world we live in. Husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, must accept responsibility for seeking to protect their families from this anti-family society. The occurrence of these problems within Muslim families of all backgrounds and circumstances indicates that the problems are “outside-in.”

When marriage is reduced to nothing more than two married people who live together but act as if they are single, the “spirit of family” disappears from the home! When these couples choose to have an “I, me” orientation of life, rather than a “we, us” perspective, family members will not work together for the sake of the family, or enjoy being together.

When both father and mother are working outside of their homes for economic reasons and the care and education of their children are shifted to childcare providers and teachers, the children are often deprived of having their emotional and intellectual needs adequately met. When both parents don’t understand that their family’s well being must be a major priority and that they must sacrifice to build, protect, and reinforce their family, the family “building” falls down!

When Muslim families forget the importance in Islaam of building a strong foundation for family life; when spouses forget the rights that Allah Almighty has given their mates over them, their love disappears. Instead, anger, disagreements, and conflict take its place. When fathers and husbands do not set aside a special time for their families to talk, laugh, communicate; when wives and mothers spend most of their time cooking in the kitchen for guests and lose themselves, tranquility and family success “go with the wind.” This al happens when both forget to exercise and utilize the human gifts that Allah Almighty has bestowed upon them – patience, kindness, and understanding – the whole family pays a huge price.

How to Solve These Problems

sisterandhusbandWe can return to strong family values and strengthen our homes by spreading the teachings of Islaam into family life.

First, we need to keep alive, in our hearts and minds, the sense of hope and the belief that it is never too late to change – even if we have the feeling that our marriage is dying and that nothing seems to be improving. At the same time, we must remember that the desire to build a strong family is not enough – good intentions and ideas are not enough. We must develop a new mindset based on Islamic principles and practices.

We must strive hard to develop and recognize the gifts that Allah has given to us that will enable us to become agents of change within our families. Everyone knows his or her family situation better than anyone else, and no one can understand what needs to be done within our personal families better than we can.

Marriage requires collaboration, commitment and a sense of responsibility; these things equip us to choose and to work together towards a “we, us” or “together” orientation. We must strive to develop a deeper knowledge of the importance of the family and family values in Islaam in order to deal with the powerful forces that surround us.

We must set aside a special time each week for our family members to enjoy one another, communicate, plan, and study Islaam together. Husbands and wives need to spend time together talking and striving to have a sense of humor. They need to exercise self-control because when either of them gets angry and loses control, the effects can be wounding. Our tempers can get us into big problems.

Although problems are expected in every marriage, patience and forgiveness are the best gifts that we can use to correct mistakes. We must strive to be patient, kind, calm, and above all, to understand our partner’s point of view. The only way we can have rich family relationships is through listening and understanding. One of the primary reasons that we must seek to understand one another is that most of our mistakes are a result of misunderstandings and not bad intentions.

Husbands and wives should avoid discussing their personal problems and private matters with others. They also need to encourage each other in their obedience to Allah, and to raise their kids according to Islamic values, because there is no doubt that a child who grows up without Islamic values suffers long-term. Children get much of their sense of security and tranquility from the way their fathers and mothers treat each other; hence, the greatest thing we can give to them is through our loving and being kind to one another.

By building strong marriages, Inshaa’Allah, we will create a powerful effect on the entire society.


sisteranddaughter1) The Patient:

The woman who remains patient in all circumstances, and tries to never whine, moan, nag or complain. When some trouble or affliction hits her, she turns to Allah Almighty for help.

2) The Protector:

The woman who protects her husband’s wealth and her chastity when he is away from home. She doesn’t gossip or mingle with other men, nor does she allow anyone into their home without his approval. As a clever and wise wife, she knows, respects and stays within the boundaries of his gheerah (protective jealousy).

When he returns, she runs into his arms, as if she was anticipating for his return. She allows him time to relax before anything and does not burden him with the day’s problems, but listens attentively to his needs and does her best to take his tiredness away.

3) The Lover:

The women who adores her husband, beautifies herself, and smells nice for him. She craves for his children to the extent that whenever her husband glances at her, du’aa pours for her from the bottom of his heart. She is characterised with shyness and modesty, glancing with love in her eyes, only for her husband.

4) The Good Do-er:

The women who has an excellent reputation in society – for being kind, caring and courteous. She is good with her neighbours and relatives & never backbites or displays jealousy.

5) The Content:

The women who tries to cast her eyes away from material things and is content with whatever little her husband gives her. She is thankful to him for every morsel that he feeds her, every clothe that he gifts her, including the roof over her head. She makes her gratefulness known to him in words and action and thus, soothes her husband’s heart.

As the Prophet (peace be upon him) advised, she looks at those less fortunate than herself in the material world. She then becomes even more thankful to her Lord and her Husband for all that she does have.

6) The Pious:

The women who spends much of her day in dhikr, reading the Qur'aan and performing her Salaah. She further spends her nights in praying tahajjud and crying to Allah for His forgiveness. She encourages her husband to give daw’ah in his spare time. As the Prophet (peace be upon him) advised, she looks at those more pious than her in the religious sense and strives to progress further in piety and knowledge.

7) The Sweet Smiler:

A wise wife tries to smile a lot, especially when her husband is at home. She always talks gently, choosing the sweetest of words, so much so that it seems that pearls are dripping from her mouth. The ideal wife never raises her voice while talking to her husband.

If her husband is angry with her for some reason and shouts at her, she tries her best not to answer back but instead maintains dignified silence. She understands that a man by nature, loves to be the ‘king of the jungle’, wanting to prove himself right, it makes him feel good. Two seconds of patience from the wife can go a long way…

Quite simply, its all about psychology. When he has calmed down, she then speaks to him wisely. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said; “I guarantee a house in the outskirts of Jannah for the one who gives up arguing even if he/she is in the right…” [Tirmidhee]

So even if the husband is in the wrong, she should try her best to give up arguing and expect her reward from Allaah. The exceptional wife should be wise in dealing with the situation at hand, without making things worse for herself and her family.


sistersmaghribtimeOne day a sister dropped by to pick up something and saw me dressed up with make-up and jewelry, so she assumed I was going somewhere. When I told her I wasn’t, the reason I dressed up surprised her. I told her, “Because it is about time for my husband to return from work.” She said, “You still get ready for your husband?” “Yes, what do you mean “still”?!” I asked. She said, “I used to do that in the beginning of the marriage and then I don’t it anymore.”

Unfortunately this is a common scenario among many Muslim married sisters. In fact, one of the most common complaints husbands have against their wives is that the wives don’t beautify themselves at home.

I have personally observed many Muslim sisters stop taking care of themselves once they get married. Some married sisters only dress up when they go out and while others don’t even bother with that. For some, abaya and hijab become a perfect “cover up” for outside the house and a t-shirt and sweat pants become the perfect lounge-wear for inside the house!

Reasons Why Sisters Don’t Dress Up:

I cannot generalize the reasons why sisters stop taking interest in taking care of themselves at home, but I want to highlight 2 main points:

1. Once married to a practicing brother, sisters assume their knight in shining armor won’t be interested in their looks but, rather, in their imaan. They believe their beauty lies in their “piety.”


2. Husbands don’t express their desire in seeing their wives dressed up. Or, when their wives dress up, they don’t bother to compliment them, which confuses the wife into thinking, “He does not care.”


Beauty and Piety are Two Separate Characteristics:

Let’s remember, piety may add to a person’s inner beauty which may reflect through physical appearance; however, they both are independent characteristics.

There is no prohibition in looking good; in fact, to physically beautify oneself to please one’s husband and keep him happy is not only a praiseworthy act but also a means to earn reward from Allah (azza wa jall).

When the Prophet (sallallahu alihi wasallam) was asked which woman was best, he replied, “The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command….” (Nasa’i)

Hence, sisters, please on a daily basis before your husband returns home:

  • Take a shower (make sure you are not smelling like food)
  • Change your clothes.
  • Wash your face with cleanser/scrub.
  • Put light make up on. Please don’t use the excuse, “I don’t know how to.”
  • Wear some jewelry.
  • Show some creativity with your hair. Remember frizzy hair can be taken care of with gel, mousse, hair spray, hair straightener etc.
  • Use your perfume everyday and not only when you visit a friend.
  • Moreover, try to get a facial done once in a while. If you can’t afford to, there are millions of products available at very reasonable prices for home facials/deep cleaning.

Dear sisters, abaya should not be used to cover up weight gain, and neither should the hijab keep frizzy/unkempt hair covered. I understand that a t-shirt and sweat pants are the most comfortable clothing but it needs to be changed before your husband get back home.


path1Sometimes we don't even know where to begin to repair broken bridges in our marriages. Giving thanks is a very good place to start. Send a card, note, or e-mail message to your husband quoting the hadith that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” and thank him for striving to be a good husband. DO NOT think anything negative about how he has been to you, simply give thanks for all the positive. If you have done this already, send an e-mail thanking him for all the good he does for you and acknowledging that every kindness from him is a great blessing from Allah, subhaana wa taala.

What effect does this have? Inshaa'Allah, it will please him; it will show appreciation. It may also make him consider the hadith or his kindess and examine how he has been "best to you." It is amazing how one sees their own shortcomings in the face of compliments and appreciation. It may encourage him to be better with you. It may even shame him into being better to you.

If you are wondering whether this could really work, just consider when someone praises something about you that isn't totally true. They may say you are a wonderful sister to them. One of the first things that I think of is how I'm not a wonderful sister... I think of all my shortcomings that make me less than a wonderful sister. Get my drift?

Another important thing is to abide by his wishes with no arguments. Nothing is getting better by you defying him or constantly differing in opinion when things are already strained.

Lastly, let him see you always happy, smiling, satisfied with what Allah, azza wa jall, has blessed you with. It may be that seeing you looking unhappy or low is having a spiral effect and making him feel he isn't appreciated or a good husband. That is disastrous. If you have to, think of something totally outside of your home or life... whatever it takes to bring a smile and joy to your heart. For me, it is as simple as thinking that Allah, subhaana wa taala, made me Muslim and I have such good children and friends.

These are ways that you can positively impact your marriage, your home environment, and inshaa'Allah, your relationship with Allah, al Rahman, al Wudood.


leafwaterMarriages usually start off so nicely. Everyone cooperates - the couple, their parents, other relatives, friends. Things usually run smoothly.

But somewhere along the way, marital disputes pop up. This is of course natural, but these can escalate to dangerous levels if not dealt with correctly.

1. Money

Couples argue over many things but money is by far one of the most frequent and serious. The solution is to discuss issues openly and consult within the family.

For instance, the issue of a wife working outside the home can become a contentious one. This should preferably be discussed before marriage. Also, if she does decide to work and the husband agrees, does she want to contribute a certain portion to household expenses or will she keep all of the money for herself (which is her right)?

One of the ways to avoid arguments about money is to simply make an easy budget which tracks expenses, income, investments, and establishes a framework for taking care of regular family necessities.

Also, learn how to make a budget and deal with debt. If you are a young student, keep in mind you have to pay off student loans. You should also know where to get interest-free loans and what assistance is available.

tree-sunlight_small2. In-laws

In-laws are the focus of blame and reproach when there are marital disputes. But there are ways to maintain a good relationship with them. Here are some tips:

a. Remember your spouse's parents have known your husband longer and loved him longer. Never make an issue about "me or them".

b. Let respective parties settle their own disputes. If your mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with it. Don't interfere.

c. Don't tell your spouse how to improve his relationship with his parents.

d. Expect some adjustment time for parents after marriage to adjust to this new relationship.

e. Remember that mothers are usually skeptical about daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws.

e. Always treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.

f. Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.

g. Never compare your husband to your dad.

h. Do not go to your parents with your quarrels.

i. If you are supporting your parents financially inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.

j. Do not prevent your spouse from seeing family unless you fear for their religion and safety.

k. Do not divulge secrets.

l. Make time to know your in-laws but stay out of their disputes.

m. Maintain the Adaab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and brother-in-laws ( hugging or kissing).

n. You are not obliged to spend every weekend with your in-laws unless your husband asks you to.

o. Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their grandchildren.

p. Be forgiving and keep your sense of humor.

q. Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to.

r. Invite in-laws at least once a month for a meal.

s. Visit them when you can and encourage your spouse to visit his parents and regularly check on them.

t. When parents become dependent on their children, a serious discussion with all parties present should take place. Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement must be worked out.

mumlov13. Parenting

The tug of war that results from different understandings of what parenting is, is also a source of tension in marriage. One solution is to start learning about Islamic parenting before having children. If you already have kids, you can still learn.

4. Stress

Stress is an almost constant factor in most people's lives in North America. Muslim couples are no exception. Stress from work, for example, is carried into the home.

Couples and families need to work out a coping mechanism in the family. For instance, couples can take a walk to talk about the day or go to the Masjid for at least one prayer. They can read Qur'aan individually or together. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halaal and work, they can be used.

5. Domestic violence

This is an extremely sad reality and unless it is dealt with promptly by victims, perpetrators and/or those concerned about the two, then the family will break. Seeking help is necessary and if domestic violence is not stopped, the destructive effects will not only be harmful to the husband and wife, but to their children as well.

Family members, friends and Imaams need to stop the abuse. They must intervene and work on getting help for the husband and the wife.

6. Spiritual incompatibility

This is a growing problem within the Muslims. There is a disturbing lack of tolerance amongst young Muslims, especially, who may get sucked into cult-like groups which preach a "we're right and everyone else is wrong" mentality.

This intolerance is being transferred to marriages, where a couple may differ on minor points of faith. Married couples must understand the difference between an Islamically acceptable difference of opinion and one that is not. They must develop a tolerance, balance and respect for their differences on that basis.

7. Sexual dysfunction

This is one of the least talked about problems, but it is one that is wreaking havoc in a number of marriages. Many couples who are marrying are not learning the Islamic perspective on sex and marriage. As a result, when they are not satisfied with their spouse, a number of them may turn to others or seek easy divorce, instead of a solution.

Couples have to understand that the marital relationship in this area, as in others, needs work and patience and cannot be the subject of whims and impatience. Knowledge, practice and if possible, the advice of a wise, compassionate scholar are two key elements in finding a solution to this problem.

8. Interfaith marriages

Ipinkpurpledawnslam forbids marriage between Muslim women and non-Muslim men. There are a number of Muslim women who have taken this step and regretted it later. Such an action, in most Muslim families, results in the woman being isolated from her family with no support. As a result, when marital disputes do arise, parental support, which is there for many Muslim couples, is not there for these women. These Muslim women may also experience guilt for disobeying Allah and hurting their parents.

In other cases, Muslim women ask non-Muslim men they want to marry to convert shortly before the marriage to appease their parents. Again this can lead to marital disputes. Two things usually happen. Either the man becomes a truly practicing Muslim and the couple is no longer compatible; or he's bombarded with Muslims from the community wanting to invite him to Islaam and he gets upset and may hate Islaam.

In the case of Muslim men marrying Jewish and Christian women, the situation is different. While Islam does allow this, Muslim men marrying Jews and Christians need to remember that living in the West, if they end up divorcing, the children will almost automatically be given to the mother. Also, remember that the mother is the child's most important school. If you want your kids to grow up as practicing Muslims, you are better off marrying a practicing Muslim woman, especially in the West, where the unIslamic cultural influences outside the home are strong enough. Inside the home, it will become even harder to maintain Islamic influences if a mother is not a practicing Muslim herself.

9. Intercultural marriages

While Islam does not forbid intercultural marriages, they can become a source of tension when Muslims, primarily the couple, but also their families, make their culture more important than Islaam. If parental support is there for an intercultural marriage, things are smoother for the couple. If there is not, and if there is even hostile opposition on the part of one or both sets of parents, it could be better to not marry the person in the long run.

Home110. Lack of domestic skills

While girls are being encouraged to become scientists, engineers and doctors, for instance, there is little to no emphasis being placed on gaining domestic skills. It should be remembered that in Islam, while women are not forbidden from working within Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with housework, women's primary duty is within the home as a home manager and mother. As a result of the lack of domestic skills, many married couples find themselves in messy homes, where meals lack proper nutrition and in general, there is frustration.

11. The modern Muslim woman meets the old-fashioned Muslim man

While young Muslim women of the West are being encouraged to be strong and confident, boys are being raised in the same way and with the same cultural expectations as their fathers. As a result, young couples face a tug of war, when the old-fashioned, young Muslim boy won't lift a finger around the house (since he never saw his dad do this) and his young Muslim wife expects him to pitch in, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) did with his wives.

The wife needs to be wise in dealing with such problems Islamically by restraining her tongue and expecting the reward from Allah. By being patient and persevering and looking-out for a good opportunity in which to sit down calmly and resolve such issues with her spouse she will find many blessings indeed.


bookinkShaykh Munajjid provides some excellent advice for a sister in such a situation:

‘…There is no true alternative except to turn to Allah. For, He is the One Who makes a way out of every difficult situation.

The following are a few points of advice:

• Your husband needs someone to advise him - look around for a suitable person to do this.

• Avoid making him angry. Again, avoid making him angry as much as you can.

• Whoever sees the problems of others will see his or her own problem in perspective. There are husbands who beat their wives on the face, injure them and break their bones.

Some kick their wives out of the house in the middle of the night and lock them out; others do not give their wives a penny, and even take their money and jewellery from them.

Some husbands eat outside the house and never bring food home for their wives and children, leaving them to beg from their neighbours.

Others drink alcohol, take drugs, and bring prostitutes to the house. Some do not recognize Allah at all; they do not even know the direction of the Qiblah.

I myself have dealt with these and other cases involving the problems suffered by wives; these examples are not made up. Perhaps looking at the problems of others and putting things into perspective will offer some consolation and make you feel better. For surely, your husband won’t have all of these bad qualities.

• Think about your husband’s positive aspects - his religion or his relationship with you or his spending, or the fact that he does not hit you on the face, and so on. Perhaps this will help to reduce your negative feelings towards him.

• Remember that what you are suffering is a test, one of the trials that Allah decrees for whomever He wills in this life, to see how people will behave. So face it with patience and the hope of earning reward. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

"How wonderful is the situation of the believer, for everything is good for him, and this applies only to the believer. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks for it, and this is good for him; if something bad befalls him, he bears it with patience, and this is also good for him." (Reported by Muslim, may Allah have mercy on him, in al-Saheeh, no. 2999).

• Think about the tragedy of divorce and what would happen to the family in this case. A wise woman may put up with something bad in order to avoid something even worse, because some evils are less than others.

• Write him a letter, reminding him of the Prophet’s advice concerning women, e.g., ". . . Be kind to women, for they are your prisoners and you have no rights over them other than that. If they are guilty of clear immoral misconduct, then avoid them in their beds, and beat them, but not severely. If they then obey you, do not seek means of annoying them, for you have rights over your wives and they have rights over you. Your rights over your wives are that they should not allow anyone you dislike in your bed, and they should not let anyone whom you dislike enter your house. Their rights over you are that you should treat them well with regard to clothing and food." (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, no. 1163; he said: this is a saheeh hasan hadith.)

• The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Many women have come to the family of Muhammad, complaining about their husbands. Those (husbands) are not the best among you.” (Reported by Abu Dawud, no. 2146). If he becomes angry and hits you hard, wait until he calms down, then provoke his pity by saying words, with great wisdom, such as, "Is this how you treat the mother of your children and the one who is closest to you?" and showing him the mark left by his blow, so that he can see with his own eyes what his hand has done. Also, remind him that oppression is haraam, and that Allah is able to deal with him. Show him your tears and pain; then disappear and leave him to think things over. In most cases, if the husband has any shred of decency and real character, and religious sensitivity, he will apologize.

• Some marital problems can only be resolved with the passage of time, as the number of children increases and they grow up, and the husband grows to love them even more. This makes the wife more precious to him too, as he sees her as the one who is bringing up and protecting his children. As he also increases in maturity and in his understanding of the realities of life, he will realize the evil of what he has done and his behaviour will improve, so he will stop doing some of the things he used to do. Hoping for improvement is a good thing: people live on hope.

• Supplication (du‘aa’) is the refuge of the believer. How many times, I wonder, have you prayed to Allah to reform your husband? Persist in du‘aa’ and seek ways of making Allah respond.

I ask Allah to improve your situation and to guide you both. Aameen.




A husband disciplining his wife according to Islamic ettiquette, governing himself by specific and strict refined regulations of Islamic Law, is only for a wives who are recalcitrant and have evil and unjustified conduct towards their husbands. This disciplinary action must be done by one who fears Allah and wishes to keep marital matters private; in no way does Islaam sanction domestic violence. Sisters should also fear Allah and maturely deal with and change any recalcitrance and refractoriness on their part.

There is a huge difference between this disciplinary measure and abuse perpetrated by unrefined, ignorant  and hot-headed individuals. Abuse must stop and the appropriate measures to prevent it must be taken. It is noteworthy to mention that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) never beat any of his wives. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “From among the believers are those who have the kindest disposition and are the kindest to their families- such are those who show the most perfect faith. The best among them are those who are kindest to their wives.”  [Bukhaari and Muslim]