In order to get married we may get tempted to do things, which will displease Allah (swt). In order to find the right person we may date or go to mixed weddings and not wear hijaab to attract a potential suitor or choose not to wear hijaab on the wedding day. We may date our fiancée before the wedding or we may waste money on things which aren’t needed like the ice swan, the water feature, the expensive orchids and the circus acrobat. We may have music or a DJ with a dance floor. We may have ceremonies, which are not in our religion but are borrowed from others. We may order a banquet fit for a king for catering, but we waste most of the food. But if we really understood how much every detail of happiness is in Allah's (swt) control, we would choose Allah (swt) over our own desires and Allah (swt) over the desires of His creation.
“…and to Him return all affairs (for decision). So worship Him (O Muhammad SAW) and put your trust in Him. And your Lord is not unaware of what you (people) do." (s11v123)
We need to understand that every relationship, including that which is created through marriage, is only from Allah (swt).
“And it is He Who has created man from water, and has appointed for him kindred by blood, and kindred by marriage. And your Lord is Ever All-Powerful to do what He wills.” (S25v54)
So who our in-laws will be and therefore how they will treat us is in the hands of Allah (swt).
Understand that your husband has been created only by Allah (swt) as a Libaas (a body cover or clothing).
“It is made lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives on the night of As-Saum (the fasts). They are Lîbaas for you and you are the same for them.” (S2v187)
Why did Allah (swt) use the word "libaas" to describe this relationship between a husband and a wife? If we think about it, libaas or clothing has so many functions, which can be extrapolated also to the relationship between a husband and a wife.
Clothing like this relationship:
- Covers our modesty
- Beautifies us
- Complements us
- Protects us from the environment
- Gives us comfort
- Gives us honour/humility
- Gives us confidence
- Hides our faults
- Fits us perfectly
Similarly, not only will Allah (swt) provide us with a husband but also someone who fits us perfectly.
We need to understand that only Allah (swt) will place affection and mercy between us and our husbands. Why does Allah (swt) mention affection (muwaddat) and why not “old fashioned love” (muhabbat)? Because muwaddat is love which is expressed. Someone may love someone else but may not show that person that they do by constantly hurting their feelings or by offending them. Muwaddat is the love that when expressed enables the person to be concerned for your welfare, to worry about you, to look after you when you need it.
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (S30v21)
So if we understand the above then we will place our trust in Allah (swt) in every way.
We place our trust in Allah (swt) that He will provide us with in-laws who we get along with and who love and respect us and it is not our ability to speak their language, to compromise our values for them, nor our family’s support that will achieve this.
We place our trust in Allah (swt) that He will provide us with a husband who is created perfectly for us and who pleases us in every way and it is not our ability to look dazzling without hijaab in a crowded room to catch men’s attention, or dating many men that will achieve this.
We place our trust in Allah (swt) that He will place affection and mercy between our husband and us and it is not our youth or our beauty, education or sense of humour or our similar interests or similarity in background that will achieve this.
If Allah (swt) is the only one who can put so much love and mercy between us and our husband and provide us with a perfect husband and provide us with perfect in-laws, then we need to only ask Allah (swt) for happiness in our future lives.
“And to Allâh belongs the Ghaib (unseen) of the heavens and the earth, and to Him return all affairs (for decision). So worship Him (O Muhammad SAW) and put your trust in Him. And your Lord is not unaware of what you (people) do." (s11v123)
Instead we will call and rely upon others for our happiness. Instead we rely upon ourselves for our happiness. We rely upon our families, our beauty, our youth, our education, our family’s social standing in the community, our job...we even start to rely upon our husbands to make it work and make us happy etc.
“O mankind! A similitude has been coined, so listen to it (carefully): Verily! Those on whom you call besides Allâh, cannot create (even) a fly, even though they combine together for the purpose. And if the fly snatched away a thing from them, they would have no power to release it from the fly. So weak are (both) the seeker and the sought. They have not estimated Allâh His Rightful Estimate; Verily, Allâh is All-Strong, All-Mighty.” (S22v73-74)
Not only will we call and rely upon others, we will disobey Allah (subhaana wa tala) to please others. To please our families, our future husband and future in-laws we will talk to our fiancée alone, have a mixed wedding, have music and dancing at the event, not wear Hijaab in front of non-mahrum men, waste money in lavish extras etc. We get so carried away ourselves in making our wedding the ultimate example to follow and envy by our guests that we displease Him - Ar-Rahmaan who gave us this day to celebrate in the first place.
"Some people set up equals with Allah, loving them as they should love Allah. But those with faith have greater love for Allah." (S2v165)
Instead we should fear Allah (swt) who gave us this day, this person, this new family. If we displease Him, just as He gave something so wanted by us He will take it away from us or place in it unhappiness for us.
“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allâh, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself.” (s4v79)
If we do not fear Allah (swt) and with humbleness turn to Allah (swt) and ask His forgiveness and if we do not obey Allah then the fate of those before us will be our fate:
“…But their hearts became hardened, and Shaitân (Satan) made fair seeming to them that which they used to do. So, when they forgot (the warning) with which they had been reminded, We opened to them the gates of every (pleasant) thing, until in the midst of their enjoyment in that which they were given, all of a sudden, We took them to punishment, and lo! They were plunged into destruction with deep regrets and sorrows. So the roots of the people who did wrong were cut off. And all the praises and thanks be to Allâh, the Lord of the 'Alamîn (mankind, jinns, and all that exists).” (S6v43-5)
The frightening thing about the above verse of the Quran is that Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) gave these people everything that they desired and it was then that Allah (swt) punished them by taking it away from them. This is worse than never having something and it being kept away from you because you don’t know what you are missing out on. We need to be careful that we don’t forget Allah in our happiness and contentment. And it will not matter if we picked and chose from our religion some aspects that we obeyed Allah (swt) on and disobeyed Allah (swt) on other aspects:
“Then do you believe in a part of the Scripture and reject the rest? Then what is the recompense of those who do so among you, except disgrace in the life of this world, and on the Day of Resurrection they shall be consigned to the most grievous torment. And Allâh is not unaware of what you do. Those are they who have bought the life of this world at the price of the Hereafter. Their torment shall not be lightened nor shall they be helped.” (S2v85-6)
We need to obey Allah (swt) in all aspects of our religion…on all that Allah (swt) asked us to do in the Qur'aan and in the commands of the Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). Instead we should fear Allah (swt) so that if anything, Allah (swt) will provide us with the best.
“And whosoever fears Allâh and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allâh then He will suffice him. Verily, Allâh will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allâh has set a measure for all things.” (s65v2-3)
Having fear of Allah is what will give you blessings from Allah. Blessings with respect to love and mercy between your husband and you, righteous and pious children, a high status with respect to the people in your community and on the Day of Judgement in front of Allah (swt).
“And if the people of the towns had believed and had the Taqwâ (fear of Allah), certainly, We should have opened for them blessings from the heaven and the earth, but they belied (the Messengers). So We took them (with punishment) for what they used to earn.” (s7v96)
Having fear of Allah is what will give you blessings from Allah - Allah will almost rip the heavens and the earth apart to give you these - from every direction. It was taqwa which gave Mohammad (peace be upon him) the ability to return to Makkah when he and his followers had initially been driven out of Makkah for preaching and practising Islaam. It was taqwa which led Muslims to being pioneers in the fields of astronomy, mathematics, medicine, physics, architecture etc. It was taqwa which led to Yusuf (alayhisaalaam) becoming the financial minister of Egypt.
And it will be taqwa which will lead you to have happiness with your husband, your in laws, your children, your community, Allah Willing.