I don't care what nobody says, the old-school speakers were the best and the most humble! Many speakers today do things that are punch-in-the-face worthy. I have graciously compiled the official top ten reasons to get punched in the face if you are a Muslim speaker:
(Please note that if you are a speaker and disagree with ANY of the points on this list, that will qualify you for a free and immediate punch to the mouth)! To avoid the 1001 complaints from those who are not familiar with the speakers circuit, I have provided explanations under each point.
The top ten reasons to get Punched in the Face if you're a Muslim speaker are:
10. If you have a specific type of coffee that you love and demand everywhere you go.
Explanation: Young shaykh loves Mocha Choka Garbagge-chino that costs $15 and demands it all the time. Even at midnight volunteers have to scramble to find his highness a cup as if his life depends on it.
9. If you refer to yourself as "Shaykh".
Explanation: This is a major "Shame on the Shaykh" moment. Some young bucks leave you voicemails where they introduce themselves as 'Shaykh'. Their emails and txts also end with "shaykh" and then their name. Perhaps they think it's a title like Dr. or Mr.? I say this with all humility. Sincerely, the lion of the Sunnah, Al Imaam, Al Hujjah, Defender of the Faith, Shaykhul Islam, Baaqir ul Ilm, Kamal El mekki.
8. If you speak against polygamy just to get brownie points with the sisters.
Explanation: If you are afraid of your wife, just say that, but don't speak against it for the sake of brownie points. The only time it's ok to do this is if you are going to use the brownie points FOR polygamy! (but that however, does violate reason number 1)
7. If every time you're on stage you show your sensitive side to the sisters.
Explanation: Enough already! Be a man!
6. If you always talk about your wife and family in your lectures.
Explanation: We get it, you are a great husband and a great father, now get on with the lecture and be sincere. (the PIF committee has deemed it acceptable to make slight mention of your wife in order to avoid marriage proposals from your audience).
5. If you can't stop blathering on about yourself during dinners and rides to and from the airport.
Explanation: Volunteers know this very well, all some speakers do is speak about themselves and their life experiences to the volunteers. This is acceptable if you have experiences; if you are in your 20's play the following game; it's called "Shut that hole under your nose".
4. If you wrote your own bio, then you pretend to hate it and you act offended every time it is read before your lecture.
Explanation: Allahu Akbar! The guy writes his own bio and praises himself excessively in it; then when the presenter reads it before the lecture he looks down in sadness and pretends to not like it because it overpraises him. Definitely PIF worthy!
3. If you are below 40 years old and demand a business class seat.
Explanation: Please see the price of a Business class seat. If you still don't understand, proceed to the nearest PIF Center and ask someone to punch you in the mouth.
2. If you ask for money to deliver a Jumu'ah khutbah.
Explanation: Unless you have a Hadith that the entire Ummah has never heard before, the Jumu'ah khutbah is for free. Gas money is acceptable according to the PIF committee, but anything more than that you will have to get Punched in the Face. BTW if you DO have a Hadith that the entire Ummah has never heard before, then you will get PIFed before Jumu'ah, after Jumu'ah and during the sitting between the two khutbahs.
And the number one reason to get PIFed is...
1. If you are in the business of marrying your students!
Explanation: If you need this point explained... DON'T BECOME A SPEAKER! If you're already a speaker and you need this explained...STOP SPEAKING IMMEDIATELY!
The preceding was a public service to the Ummah. Please share with friends and family in order to avoid future problems.