This is the letter I wrote to my second co-wife. Qadr Allah, I never got to meet her as the situation didn't work out. I pray Allah gives her something far better - aameen!
However, this letter was something I sent to set the stage and let her know where I was coming from. I will say that this was for an American co-wife, someone who had researched me and asked common friends about me prior to marrying our husband. She was also similar in age, hence she held a special attraction for me - a sister who would be a peer, a companion, and a support for many things. Obviously I have removed her name from it and replaced it with co-wife, where relevant. The letter was titled,
"Co-wife", my Rose...
As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh my dear sister.
Welcome to our family! As two wives within one family, only Allah knows the depth of relationship we will have with each other. We may be the best of friends or we may simply love each other as sisters in Islaam. Personally, I pray that we will be the best of friends! I am really looking forward to getting to know you, inshaa'Allah. However, before any of that, we are believers in Allah, His Messenger, and the Last Day. We are striving together for our family's ultimate success. Our race to Allah's Pleasure, is reason enough to love each other dearly.
The biggest obstacle we will face, not only us but also our husband, is the fact that shaytaan's favorite playground is polygyny. He loves to cause marital discord and separation...and he will work triply hard (at minimum) to whisper to us, to plant and nurture fitan (trials and tests). I am sure that we will be an even bigger target because we are all committed to pleasing Allah and welcome polygyny as a mercy and as a blessing. When Allah's servants want polygyny with sincere hearts, shaytaan makes it one of his pet projects to ruin it. Let us be aware, forewarned, on guard, and have a strategy to deal with that rotten devil, inshaa'Allah. Here are some very basic suggestions I have. I welcome any input from you on this, inshaa'Allah, as another perspective usually brings improvements.
If, at any time we are communicating, whether online, over the phone, or face to face, and shaytaan whispers some negative thing that enters our thoughts we can say, firmly and as violently as we like, "Audhu b'Illahi minash-shaytaan ir-rajeem!" It won't need any other explanation, because we will understand that we are simply protecting ourselves and our relationship. It can be done in the middle of a sentence, whenever...so we deal with it immediately, rather than letting any seeds be planted or give that stinker the pleasure of getting to us for more than an instant. Of course, it can be any mention of Allah that will send him running, but the idea is the same.
If shaytaan sows a seed of fitnah while one is alone, polluting one's thoughts, seek refuge with vehemence, do not let him have his way! If one is wondering about something and shaytaan starts using it to cause bad feeling and fitnah, don't keep it inside. Raise the matter as soon as possible, talk about it and get clarity so he can go "fly a kite." If he presents some doubtful issue or something that bothers us and needs resolution, we can work together to clear it up and kick him out. Let us be to each other those blessed and beneficial bricks in the wall of believers.
As your sister, I am not any form of competition. I am just another member of the team and I'm playing on the same side as you. There is no ranking system, no “first” and “second”, there is just the term “wives.” Something to always remember is that your husband loves you, that you are special and precious to him. You offer him something that no other woman can - your own, beautiful, unique self. I feel sure that I will love you for those same reasons!
There will never be any competition between a rose and a freesia, they both are beautiful and they both have a beautiful, unique scent.
A rose cannot be a freesia, nor can a freesia be a rose...so they may as well be what Allah made them and appreciate and enjoy all the good each other has.
I am eagerly waiting for you to join us here in Madinah.