Polygyny/ Polygamy

Details: Written by Selma A. Cook; Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

The following interview was taken with two co-wives living in Australia.

white flowers wallpaper wide-wide The first wife, Khadijah (not her real name), has three children and the second wife, Amina (not her real name), was single with six children when she married into this situation. Khadijah and Amina knew each other for a long time before the second marriage.

"I have always admired her," said Khadijah.

Khadijah's family roots are in South Africa, but she said, "Culturally speaking, I'm Australian."

The husband is Algerian, and Amina is a revert to Islam and an Australian.

Khadijah and Amina agree that there are a number of polygynous marriages that are not successful. However, both wives believe that the fact that their husband has traveled a lot has taught him much wisdom and has enriched his thinking.

Khadijah

Khadijah had to defend polygyny many times, even to her Muslim relatives, who, one would think, would know better.

"If I'm upset, they blame my marriage situation."

Khadijah admits that, in the beginning, she had low self-esteem, but it got better after her husband remarried.

I've grown through the experience, because the situation forced me to grow," she said.

Her family and cultural background had taught her to think that she would be put on the shelf with this kind of marital arrangement. On the contrary, Khadijah was part of the process of her husband getting remarried, and that made her happy.

"I supported him through it and left the decision to him."

When the wedding day arrived, Khadijah attended the wedding.

"I was criticized by my family and friends, and I told them it was none of their business and that it was important for me to go. Both my husband and Amina wanted me to be there. I've shared all my life with him and this was part of his life."

"I love my husband and if he's happy, I'm happy. I want to be loved and cared for, and that has never changed."

Khadijah believes that society is insecure with itself.

"When this kind of marriage works out, it becomes scary for people because they are worried that it might happen to them and that they will not be able to cope. They are actually happy when they think there are problems and are very happy if it doesn't work out. I wouldn't find it a problem if my husband decided to marry a third wife. I've been through it before, so I'd be o.k.."

The only problem Khadijah can foresee is that it would be emotionally difficult to spend less time with her husband, as the days would have to be shared three ways instead of two.

Amina

When Amina looks back, she wonders how she ever managed.

"The biggest thing for me as a single mother was the level of responsibility when making important decisions as there was no one to consult with."

In th petals e beginning of the new marriage, it was difficult for her to get the older children used to the idea of sharing a family. Now after two and a half years, the oldest daughter, now in her late teens, says if her mother is happy, she is happy. She sees that the family is content and stable, and that's what really matters.

Amina was not sure how her non-Muslim family would react because this kind of marriage is unusual to them. Khadijah began speaking to them about polygyny for some time before Amina remarried, allowing them time to think about it and understand better.

Now they are fine with the arrangement and she still visits them.

"They just want me to be happy," said Amina.

Common Ground

Khadijah feels it is an advantage to have had some years alone with her husband, which built a strong relationship. Amina commented,

"It takes longer for bonding to occur as the second wife, so patience is necessary."

"I respect the fact that he respects the privacy of each wife," commented Khadijah.

Both Khadijah and Amina agreed that there is always a part of a husband's life that isn't the wife's business. Sometimes the co-wives might notice that something is troubling him, but their husband cannot talk about it.

Both wives agreed to give permission for him to stay with the other wife before and after giving birth. They admit that when they do something like that — something noble — they feel enriched. They are happy that they live in separate houses and consider it to be healthy to be apart. Being too close together could breed jealousy and bad feelings. They stay in touch and visit each other as they live only a ten-minute drive away from each other.

The children have grown up with this marriage arrangement and therefore find it normal. They feel secure in what is a strong family network. Khadijah is very calm with the children, and this has an affect on the parenting style of the second wife, Amina.

"I feel secure, so that if something happens to me, my kids will be o.k., and if something happens to our husband, we have each other. I admire the way Khadijah communicates with the children. She is an interactive and very loving mother. I always see her being positive and active. She makes me feel like a part of the family and the children feel that way too," said Amina.

If someone asks the children how many brothers and sisters they have, they always include the children from both families. As this marriage has worked out, the children might not rule out a similar marriage situation for their future. Amina's eldest daughter has been in this family set-up for two and a half years and commented,

"I look at this kind of marriage as a maybe. I'm just open-minded about it. It depends on many things."

Khadijah said that many of her friends have been supportive even though personally they would not accept to be in such a marriage. Sometimes people feel that the second wife is a "home breaker" or that there must have been something wrong with the first wife which made the husband seek another one. Both women commented that people are often disappointed because they are actually friends. People are even more disappointed that there are no major problems.

Advice for Men

clouds3 A man who is thinking of taking a second wife who has children has to remember that it is a huge responsibility. He will have an already established family that has its own ways. It will not be like his present family. It's a different one with a different character and dynamics. He has to take its members as they are, without being determined to change them too much.

He has to be flexible and not expect to get his own way in everything. At the same time, he has to be very clear in giving the new family boundaries and offer a sense of security to the children. He will have to possess leadership qualities, be assertive, have a strong identity, and not be easily manipulated. A husband with two wives will have to be wise, fair, patient, and have good self-esteem.

Khadijah commented,

"People must be sure their marriage is stable before considering this kind of marriage, and the first wife has to feel secure within herself."

Advantages

The man will marry someone who already has experience with children, and both wives will have time with their children when the husband is at the home of the other wife.

"It takes the pressure off a bit, and I get time to myself," said Khadijah.

As for the second wife's point of view, she knows he understands how to make a marriage work. Khadijah and Amina noted that no one should go into a second marriage thinking that it will fix the problems in the first one.

Because the relationship between Khadijah and Amina is good, they can send their children to each other's homes for a visit and feel assured that the children will be well taken care of.

Khadijah said that she learned a lot about raising children from Amina. Amina is very calm and never raises her voice even though she has six children.

Amina said,

"The house is very happy and loving,"

and referring to Khadijah,

"I know she will always be there for me."

Disadvantages

Polygyny is actually worse for the husband. The co-wives have their own place and are stable, but the husband has to:

Struggle to keep up with both homes without a break.
Shoulder a lot of responsibility.
Solve each family's own set of problems.
Take care of two lots of children (take them to school, the doctor, extracurricular activities, and so on).

"There are many more advantages for the cowives,"

Khadijah and Amina agreed. Both Khadijah and Amina said it is better to love the one your husband loves.

Final Word

For the marriages to be successful, everyone has to play their part. The relationship could be strong, but bad behavior could break everything that has been built up.

Generally, human relations are fragile, so even if the marriage failed, it would not be because of polygyny itself, but because of the behavior.

Details: Written by Mira Katbamna (The Guardian); Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

lightofdawnbluesky A study of polygamy in Russia suggests we have a lot to learn about how to beat the recession.

A study of polygamy in Russia might not seem an obvious place to look for insights into how the financial crisis might play out in suburban Kent or rural Yorkshire. But Caroline Humphrey, Sigrid Rausing professor of collaborative anthropology at Cambridge University, says central Asia and Russia have much to teach us.

“In the 1990s, Russia and central Asia experienced huge economic change: what a bank was, how your career was going, what you could expect from life, everything changed overnight,”

she explains.

“And of course it had a huge impact on people’s lives, from family life to politics, and polygamy is part of that whole scene. So far, we haven’t had such dramatic change in the west, but you never know.”

Humphrey specialises in the anthropology of communities on the edges of the former Soviet Union, and has spent much of her career studying the Buyrat people who live north of the Mongolian border in Siberia. Humphrey says that anthropologists slowly build a deep knowledge and understanding of a place and culture, but nevertheless, her discovery that there is a polygamy lobby was a surprise.

“Friends of mine in Siberia told me that their friends were lobbying parliament to legalise polygamy,”

she says.

“I always knew that there were men who like the idea of polygamy, but what I found fascinating was that women were also in support.”

So is the recession going to turn the good burghers of Tunbridge Wells into polygamists? It’s unlikely. But it remains the case that the reasons why men – and, even more interestingly, women – are advocating polygamy in Russia and Mongolia are as much about economics as they are about sex. The critical issue is demography. The Russian population is falling by 3% a year – and there are 9 million fewer men than women. Nationalists, such as the eccentric leader of the Liberal Democratic party, Vladimir Zhirinovsky, claim that introducing polygamy will provide husbands for “10 million lonely women” and fill Mother Russia’s cradles.

Elsewhere, in the former Islamic regions of Russia, men argue that polygamous marriage is traditional and will encourage men to take greater responsibility – thereby alleviating poverty and improving “moral” education.

Improbably, for both groups, this is polygamy as a solution to contemporary social ills – and, according to Humphrey, is appearing outside Islamic regions. In rural areas the “man shortage”, exacerbated by war, alcoholism and mass economic migration, is even more serious. But when it comes to polygamy, rural women have a quite different agenda from their nationalist male counterparts.

“A lot of women live on what were collective farms, which are often deep in the forest and miles away from the nearest town,”

Humphrey says.

“You live very close to nature, and life can be very hard – your heating is entirely through log stoves, there’s no running water and inside sanitation is rare. If you are lucky enough to keep animals, you must care for and butcher them yourself. So if you are looking after children as well, life can be near impossible for a woman on her own.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly then, Humphrey’s investigations have uncovered women who believe that, “half a good man is better than none at all”.

“There are still some men around – they might be running things, with a job as an official, for example, or they might be doing an ordinary labouring job, but either way, there aren’t very many of them,”

she says.

“Women say that the legalisation of polygamy would be a godsend: it would give them rights to a man’s financial and physical support, legitimacy for their children, and rights to state benefits.”

Legalising polygamy has been repeatedly proposed and discussed in the Russian Duma, or parliament – and always turned down. For the urbanites of Moscow and St Petersburg it is a step too far.

In Mongolia, too, the legalisation of polygamous marriage is anathema. Yet in Ulan Bator, the thrusting capital city, well-educated women are combining traditional and modern to create something that looks suspiciously like a form of polygamy.

Surprisingly, it starts with the dowry. Eschewing the traditional gifts (horses, cushions, clothes), successful Mongolian families are increasingly giving their daughters a good education in place of a dowry. In contrast, their brothers often have to leave school early to either manage the herds or run the family business.

“In Mongolian culture, the bride’s family are the senior family; and a bride should be clever. And they had 70 years of communism, so the idea that women should be well-educated is not new,”

Humphrey explains.

“Since Mongolia, in common with Russia, also has a problem with alcoholism, there is an imbalance between urban educated women and the number of men these educated women deem to be suitable husband-material.”

The solution is simple: they just don’t get married. Instead, they take what is known as a “secret lover” – usually a well-educated man who just happens to be married to someone else. Any children resulting from the union are brought up by their mother and the maternal family.

“It is completely accepted. These women are among the elite of Mongolian society – they might be a member of parliament or a director of a company and they are tremendously admired,”

Humphrey says.

“They would be horrified by the idea of polygamous marriage because they don’t want to risk their independence.”

So what does this mean for marital relations in Russia and central Asia? Humphrey says it’s unlikely that polygamous marriage will ever be legalised in Russia – but perhaps that doesn’t matter.

“An insufficiency of men, educated women who want to realise themselves, rural women who want to protect themselves, all these things are going to give rise to arrangements like polygyny,”

says Humphrey,

“whether it’s called that or not.”

Source: Published in the Guardian, Oct 09.

Details: Written by Dr. Bilal Philips; Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

sunrise23 Muslims are often accused of being promiscuous because polygamy is legal in Islam, even though Islam did not actually introduce polygamy. Unrestricted polygamy was practiced in most human societies throughout the world in every age. Islam regulated polygamy by limiting the number of wives and establishing responsibility in its practice.

Monogamy of the West has been inherited from Greece and Rome, where men were restricted by law to one wife but were free to have as many mistresses among the majority slave population as they wished. In the West today, most married men have extramarital relations with mistresses, girlfriends and prostitutes. Consequently the Western claim to monogamy is false.

Monogamy is illogical. If a man wishes to have a second wife whom he takes care of and whose children carry his name and he provides for them, he is considered a criminal, bigamist, who may be sentenced to years in jail. However, if he has numerous mistresses and illegitimate children his relation is considered legal.

There is normally a surplus of women in most of our societies. The surplus is a result of men dying in wars, violent crimes and women outliving men. The upsurge in homosexuality further increases the problem. If systems do not cater to the need of surplus women it will result in corruption in society. For example, Germany after World War II, when suggestions to legalize polygamy were rejected by the Church. This resulted in the legalization of prostitution. German prostitutes are considered as workers like any other profession. They receive health benefits and pay taxes like any other citizen. Furthermore, the rate of marriage has been steadily declining as each succeeding generation finds the institution of marriage more and more irrelevant.

Western anthropologists argue that polygamy is a genetic trait by which the strongest genes of the generation are passed on. Example, the lion king, the strongest of the pack, monopolizes the females thereby insuring that the next generation of lion cubs will be his offspring.

Institutional polygamy prevents the spread of diseases like Herpes and AIDS. Such venereal diseases spread in promiscuous societies where extra-marital affairs abound.

Polygamy protects the interests of women and children in society. Men, in Western society make the laws; they prefer to keep polygamy illegal because it absolves them of responsibility. Legalized polygamy would require them to spend on their additional wives and their offspring. Monogamy allows them to enjoy extra-marital affairs without economic consequence.

Only a minority will practice polygamy in Muslim societies. In spite of polygamy being legal in Muslim countries, only 10-15% of Muslims in these countries practice polygamy. Although the majority of men would like to have more than one wife, they cannot afford the expense of maintaining more than one family. Even those who are financially capable of looking after additional families are often reluctant due to the psychological burdens of handling more than one wife. The family problems and marital disputes are multiplied in plural marriages.

leafwater Conditions have been added for polygamy in many Muslim countries. For example, in Egypt, the permission of the first wife must first be obtained. This and similar conditions are a result of colonial domination. Such a condition, in fact, negates the permission given by God in the Qur'aan.

Others have accepted polygamy on condition that it won't be performed out of "lust". That is, if the wife is ill, or unable to bear children, or unable to fulfill the husband's sexual needs, etc., taking a second wife is acceptable. Otherwise it becomes "lust" on the husband's part and is consequently not acceptable. The reality is that "lust" was involved in the marriage of the first wife. Why is it acceptable in the case of the first and not the second? As has already been pointed out, men are polygamous by nature. To try to curb it by such conditions will only lead to corruption in society.

Feminists may object to this male right by insisting that women should also be able to practice polygamy. However, a woman marrying four husbands would only increase the problem of surplus women. Furthermore, no child would accept his or her mother identifying the father by the "iny miny miney mo" method. The question which remains is, “If God is good and wishes good for His creatures, why did he legislate something which would be harmful to most women?” Divine legislation looks at the society as a whole seeking to maximize benefit. If a certain legislation benefits the majority of the society and causes some emotional harm to a minority, the general welfare of society is given precedence.

Details: Written by Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim; Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

tree.h1 The wisdom in limiting the number of wives specifically to four:

"...This is from the completeness of His blessing and Shari'ah, and is in accordance with His wisdom, mercy, and benefit for His servants. This is because one of the purposes of marriage is sexual intercourse and the fulfillment of one's desire, and from the people are those who are overtaken by their desire, and are not satisfied with one. Therefore, He allowed him (the man) a second, third, and fourth one (i.e. three additional wives)...and the Legislator has attached numerous rulings to this number (three), as He has allowed the migrant to remain in Makkah for three days after completing his rituals, and allowed the traveller to wipe over his footwear for three days, and made the preferred length of hosting a guest to be three days..."

The wisdom in allowing multiple spouses for the man, in exclusion to the woman:

"...this is from the completeness of the Wisdom of the Exalted Lord, and His goodness and mercy towards His servants, and His taking their interests into account. He (Allah, 'azza wa jall) is Exalted above doing anything other than this, and His Sharee'ah (Legislation) is far from coming with other than this. If it was allowed for the woman to have two or more husbands, the world would be ruined, and progeny would be lost, and the husbands would end up killing each other, and a crisis would ensue, and the Fitnah (trials, tribulations) would become severe, and war would erupt. And how can the affair of the woman remain firm when she has bickering partners? And how can the affair of these partners themselves remain firm? That is why, the coming of the Sharee'ah with what it came with of opposition to this is from the greatest of proofs of the wisdom, mercy, and consideration of the Legisator.

So, if it is said, "How can the interests of the man be taken into account, with his being able to marry whom he wants, fulfill his desire, and move from one woman to the next in accordance with his desires and needs - all while the needs of the woman are just like his needs, and the desires of the woman are just like his desires?"

We answer: It is from the nature of the woman to be concealed behind the walls and hidden in the dept hs of her ho me, and her moods are cooler than that of the man, and her outer and inner movements are less than his movements, and the man has been given strength and intensity that leads his desire more so than with the woman, and he has been tested with what she has not been tested with, he is granted the choice of having multiple spouses that is not available to the woman. This is from what Allah has set aside exclusively for the male, and has preferred for them over women, just as He has preferred for them Messengership, Prophethood, Khilafah (Caliphate), kingship and leadership, governance, Jihaad, etc. over women. Also, He has made men to be guardians over women, traversing about for the purpose of looking after their best interests, constantly on the lookout for means of sustaining them, encountering dangers, and exposing themselves to all types of hardships in the path of doing what is best for their wives. Therefore, the Exalted Lord is Thankful and Forbearing, and He thanks them for this, and has compensated them by instilling for them what He did not instill for their wives.

And if you compare the fatigue, hardship, and efforts of the man in fulfilling the interests of the women with what the women have to endure of jealousy, you would find that the man's share of having to endure this fatigue, hardship, and effort is much greater than what the women have to endure of jealousy..."

shineflower He continues:

"As for the one who says that the d esire of the woman is even more than that of the man, this is not the case. The driving force behind the desire is fervor (lit. heat). So, where is the fervor o f the woman in comparison to the fervor of the male?

...And from that which proves this is that if a man has intercourse with his wife, he can have intercourse with other women in the same time frame, and the Prophet used to go around to all of his wives in a single night, and Sulayman went to 90 women in a single night, and it is known that with each woman, he displays desire and fervor that drives him to have intercourse.

The woman, on the other hand, if the man fulfills his desire with her, becomes exhausted, and does not seek to fulfill her desire with any additional man within that time frame.

So, the wisdom of of the Decree, Legislation, Creation, and Command is implemented, and praise is for Allah."

Reference: I'laam al-Muwaqqi'een, 2/64-66.

Details: Written by Sister Mai; Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

This is the letter I wrote to my second co-wife. Qadr Allah, I never got to meet her as the situation didn't work out. I pray Allah gives her something far better - aameen!

However, this letter was something I sent to set the stage and let her know where I was coming from. I will say that this was for an American co-wife, someone who had researched me and asked common friends about me prior to marrying our husband. She was also similar in age, hence she held a special attraction for me - a sister who would be a peer, a companion, and a support for many things. Obviously I have removed her name from it and replaced it with co-wife, where relevant. The letter was titled,

"Co-wife", my Rose...

BismIllah

As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh my dear sister.

Welcome to our family! As two wives within one family, only Allah knows the depth of relationship we will have with each other. We may be the best of friends or we may simply love each other as sisters in Islaam. Personally, I pray that we will be the best of friends! I am really looking forward to getting to know you, inshaa'Allah. However, before any of that, we are believers in Allah, His Messenger, and the Last Day. We are striving together for our family's ultimate success. Our race to Allah's Pleasure, is reason enough to love each other dearly.

The biggest obstacle we will face, not only us but also our husband, is the fact that shaytaan's favorite playground is polygyny. He loves to cause marital discord and separation...and he will work triply hard (at minimum) to whisper to us, to plant and nurture fitan (trials and tests). I am sure that we will be an even bigger target because we are all committed to pleasing Allah and welcome polygyny as a mercy and as a blessing. When Allah's servants want polygyny with sincere hearts, shaytaan makes it one of his pet projects to ruin it. Let us be aware, forewarned, on guard, and have a strategy to deal with that rotten devil, inshaa'Allah. Here are some very basic suggestions I have. I welcome any input from you on this, inshaa'Allah, as another perspective usually brings improvements.

If, at any time we are communicating, whether online, over the phone, or face to face, and shaytaan whispers some negative thing that enters our thoughts we can say, firmly and as violently as we like, "Audhu b'Illahi minash-shaytaan ir-rajeem!" It won't need any other explanation, because we will understand that we are simply protecting ourselves and our relationship. It can be done in the middle of a sentence, whenever...so we deal with it immediately, rather than letting any seeds be planted or give that stinker the pleasure of getting to us for more than an instant. Of course, it can be any mention of Allah that will send him running, but the idea is the same.

If shaytaan sows a seed of fitnah while one is alone, polluting one's thoughts, seek refuge with vehemence, do not let him have his way! If one is wondering about something and shaytaan starts using it to cause bad feeling and fitnah, don't keep it inside. Raise the matter as soon as possible, talk about it and get clarity so he can go "fly a kite." If he presents some doubtful issue or something that bothers us and needs resolution, we can work together to clear it up and kick him out. Let us be to each other those blessed and beneficial bricks in the wall of believers.

As your sister, I am not any form of competition. I am just another member of the team and I'm playing on the same side as you. There is no ranking system, no “first” and “second”, there is just the term “wives.” Something to always remember is that your husband loves you, that you are special and precious to him. You offer him something that no other woman can - your own, beautiful, unique self. I feel sure that I will love you for those same reasons!

There will never be any competition between a rose and a freesia, they both are beautiful and they both have a beautiful, unique scent.

roseandfreesia

A rose cannot be a freesia, nor can a freesia be a rose...so they may as well be what Allah made them and appreciate and enjoy all the good each other has.

I am eagerly waiting for you to join us here in Madinah.

Love,

Mai