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Wake up parents before it's too late! Wake up before your time is over and you are full of regrets and wishes... wishing that you had raised your child in a better manner; wishing you had taken the time to enjoy every blessing your child had to offer; wishing that you had hugged or kissed your child more often.

The moments of childhood can never be replaced. You will never be able to get back the experiences that were available to you when your child was 3 months or 1 year or 5 or 10 years. They will pass quickly -- in the blink of an eye.

It is important to reflect upon the rewards that Allah has to offer us for the good deeds that we perform. Allah (ta'aala) gives gifts to those who obey him, both in this life and in the Hereafter. While children are a test for us, they are also the greatest gifts we will ever receive from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. 

Nothing can compare to the hugs, smiles, and laughter of children. Their innocence, beauty, and glow should remind us of Allah and the bounties He has to offer. Seeing our children should remind us of Allah's greatness even more, for it is only through Allah's grace that they are among us. 

When Allah orders us to be kind to children, the benefits of obedience to Him come only to ourselves. Allah does not need anything from us; He is Self-sustaining, beyond any need. Allah only orders things that will be beneficial for us and increase our worship of Him. When we are kind to our children, we reap the rewards and this should lead us to obey and worship Allah even more. How could we miss this wonderful opportunity to come closer to our Lord? 

Showing our children compassion reflects our level of Eemaan (faith) and the mercy that is within our hearts, as noted in the following hadeeth, "A Nomad came to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and asked, 'Do you kiss the children? We do not kiss them.' The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, "I cannot help you since Allah has withdrawn mercy from your heart." (al-Bukhaari and Saheeh Muslim) 

Also, "When the Prophet (peace be upon him) kissed his grandson, al-Hasan ibn 'Ali, in the presence of Aqra bin Habis, Aqra said, 'I have ten children, and I have never kissed any of them.' At that, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) looked at him and said, "He who is not kind to others will not receive kindness." Kissing and hugging a child is something that should come naturally. 

When a person is not even able to do this, it is a sign that mercy and compassion have left the heart. How could a parent do more when basic emotions and actions are missing? 

If this is the case, the parent needs to evaluate his or her level of Eemaan and correct it; not only for his or her sake, but for the sake of the children. 

So, enjoy your children today. Give them a hug, a smile, a kiss. Share a story, a quiet moment, our Deen. The rewards will come to you and they are the most glorious ones that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, has to offer. 

Avoid regret and sorrow. Direct yourself to Allah and He will guide you to one of the most beautiful signs of His majesty. It is the sign that is right before you, in the eyes of your child.

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1st Home

"I got two A's," the small boy said,
His voice was filled with glee.
His Father very bluntly asked,
"Why didn't you get three A's?"

"Mom, I've done the dishes,"
The girl called from the door.
Her Mother very sarcastically asked,
"Did you sweep the floor?"

2nd Home

***

Children deserve to be shown appreciation and praise for the task they are asked to do. If they are to lead a secure, well-adjusted and happy life, so much depends on how we as parents treat them. At the age of two, a child starts to form their attitude towards the world around them.

Some developmental psychologists think that the sense of self-confidence is one of the first of these attitudes and the strength of these feelings at age two depends on the kind of care that the child receives and on the parents’ attitude in meeting their basic needs. At this stage the child shows signs of development by showing a desire for independence, as they need the freedom to speak, walk and play. All of that is connected to the need to assert themselves which can only be achieved by allowing them a measure of independence. This is confirmed by the theory of development through maturity which says that we should respect the child’s individuality and leave him or her to develop naturally.

Some boys and girls grow up lacking self-confidence so that they cannot rely upon themselves in any matter, major or minor. They rarely take any initiative and are always waiting for someone to say, “Do such and such.” If faced with a problem, such a child will be unable to take any decision and may try to avoid confronting the problem, or start crying. This is partly the parents’ fault, and it may be for a number of reasons, such as:

• Too much control ("Do this, don’t do that...") in major and minor matters alike, even if the matter does not warrant it. The child begins to always wait for a command before they act and to reassure them that they are doing the right thing.

• Blaming and criticizing them for everything they do, seeking out their faults and rebuking them if they make a mistake, more than they deserve, especially at when they are expecting praise for their efforts. This destroys the child’s motivation to act or to compete in doing anything and doing it well. Parents must take precautions and effective measures to save the child from feeling inadequate. Some of the things that cause a child to feel inadequate are: belittling them, humiliating them and mocking them, such as calling the child by offensive names and words in front of their siblings and relatives, or even in front of their friends or in front of strangers whom they have never met before. These are matters which may make the child regard themselves as insignificant and worthless, or may generate psychological complexes that will make them look at others with hatred and dislike, and make them withdraw into themselves in order to escape from life.

• Not giving the child the opportunity to speak in front of others for fear that they may make a mistake or speak of things that aren't desirable, or else allowing them to speak but telling them what they should or should not say excessively.

• Giving them too many warnings about danger, which will make them always expect the worst and constantly imagine that they are surrounded by danger on all sides.

• Putting him or her down by comparing them to others, which makes the child think that they have no worth.

• Making fun of the child and mocking them. Even if the offensive words that slip from the parents’ tongues are only for the purpose of disciplining the child for some mistake, great or small, it is not right to use this method to correct them, as this will have a bad effect on the child’s psyche and personal conduct, and it will make them accustomed to the language of condemnation and insult that will destroy them psychologically and morally. The best way of dealing with this problem is to explain to the child, in a gentle manner, where they have gone wrong and to give them proof that will convince them to avoid the mistake in future; the parents should not scold their child, and certainly not in front of others. The parents should use good methods in correcting their child from the outset, following the example of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in the way he reformed and trained people and corrected their mistakes. For a child is very sensitive and readily influenced, irrational and helpless. Building the child’s self-confidence is the first step in building their personality through all stages of life. (Excerpt from Tanshi’at al-Fataat al-Muslimah by Hanaan ‘Atiyah al-Toori al-Juhani, p. 163).

• Not paying attention to their questions.

• Paying too much attention in a manner that shows excessive worry about their health or future.

Negative Effects Resulting From a Lack of Self-Confidence

Lack of self-confidence has many negative effects on the child, such as:

1- They will not be able to do anything independently, and if they are asked to bring something and find that it differs from the description given, the child will be hesitant; if they are faced with a problem they will be unable to take a decision.

2- They may become dull-witted and uncreative.

3- They will start to complain and feel unhappy whenever anything is asked of him or her, because they think that they will be blamed for whatever they do and that they will not be able to do it in the manner required.

4- They will become weak-willed and will have no resolve, and feel meek and apathetic in situations where such attitudes are not appropriate, and will become neglectful and disorganized.

5- They will suffer anxiety and frustration, and will develop a hostile attitude or a tendency to become introverted and withdrawn.

How to Develop a Child's Confidence

In order to avoid these negative effects on the child, parents should use a number of ways to develop the child’s self-confidence. Some examples follow, although this is not a complete list:

They should draw up some general guidelines to follow by telling them what Allaah has made permissible, which they may do, and what He has forbidden, which they must avoid. Parents should make them aware of noble attributes and good manners, and instill in them a dislike for bad manners, deeds and words, and the need to steer clear of trivial matters. Then after that they should give their child some freedom to act on their own initiative.

The mother should assign her child some tasks that they are able to do. If they make a mistake the mother should praise them for their initiative and encourage her child, then tell them what they should have done. Sometimes the mother should just praise them  for their efforts, then complete the work in a gentle manner, without telling them directly. If the task is not something that the child is able to do, then the mother may do it and consult the child and ask for their opinion, and let the child state what they think is good and is not, so that the child will realize that everyone is vulnerable to making mistakes but also gets things right sometimes. This will strengthen their resolve.

The parents should try to praise the child in front of her relatives and friends, and give them rewards commensurate with their efforts. They should praise them for the acts of worship that they do, such as praying regularly, memorizing Qur’aan, doing well in their studies, having a good attitude, and so on.

They could give them a nickname that will distinguish them from others, but they should not allow anyone to call the child by a bad nickname. If the child makes them angry they should call them by their real name, so that they will realize that they have fallen short in their duty to one or both of them, or that they have wronged somebody, so that the child will realize their error.

*Strengthening their confidence in dealing with other people. This may be done by getting them to do housework, obeying the parents’ commands, and letting them sit with the adults and get together with other youngsters.

*Strengthening their confidence in gaining knowledge, by teaching them the Qur’aan and the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and his Seerah (Biography), so that the child will grow up having acquired abundant knowledge in childhood, so that s/he will have a sense of confidence in the knowledge that they have, because they will have gained the basic principles of true knowledge, far removed from myths and legends.

May Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) bless us with guidance and wisdom to encourage and increase those thoughts and actions of our children which are good and correct from those which are incorrect, as our children are the men and women of tomorrow. It is for this reason that parents must be encouraged to give our children due consideration and direction to which is good and correct by being model examples themselves for their children.

Mothers, fathers, teachers, and the society as a whole, will all be accountable in front of Allaah regarding the tarbiyyah (education and upbringing) of this generation. If its tarbiyah is good, then there will be happiness, both in this world and the Hereafter. If it is not, then there will be misery, and it will be a rope around your necks - since there occurs in the hadeeth, “Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you will be questioned about those who you are responsible for.” (Related by al-Bukhaaree (13/111) and Muslim (no. 1829)

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School violence. The very words send shivers down a parent's spine. Does the phrase school bully evoke the same emotions? It should. As subtle as it may seem, bullying is a form of violence. Experts estimate that almost 75% of today's youth will be involved in some aspect of bullying before they enter high school. And the chances are, your child will be one of the statistics. Long gone is the idea that bullying is a natural process of youth, a coming of age. It is unacceptable behaviour and the long lasting ramifications are far too great to ignore.

Before you can prepare your child for the bully, it is important to understand what constitutes this type of behaviour. Bullying is defined as aggressive behaviour repeatedly targeted at a child of lesser physical or emotional strength. However, although a child might not be the target of a bully, bystanders are also victims.

Bullying behaviour is typically classified in three categories:

1) Physical bullying is physical intimidation, hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, and/or spitting.

2) Verbal bullying is name-calling, threats, taunting, teasing, rumour spreading, and slander.

3) Social bullying is intentional exclusion and isolation from social and peer group activities by manipulation and rumour spreading.

The characteristics of a bully include impulsive, dominating behaviour, a low frustration level, a lack of empathy, a need to be the centre of attention, and unhealthy attitudes towards violence and its consequences. Although many believe insecurity and self-loathing are at the root of a bully's problem, usually the opposite is true. Bullies tend to be over confident. They portray a fearless nature and physical strength, qualities often admired by their peers.

Many factors within a child's environment can contribute to their aggressive behaviour, including family, peers group, neighbourhood, society, and school. Children who bully are more likely to experience violence or neglect in the home and have less supervision and involvement from their parents. Children picked-on by older siblings tend to become bullies themselves. Others see bullying as a means to gain acceptance, friendship, and popularity.

The victim of a bully is typically a child who appears insecure or cautious, a child that rarely defends or retaliates when confronted, and/or a child lacking in social skills or physical strength. Unfortunately, since bullies lack compassion, children with physical disabilities are also prey, and so are overweight children, and those that wear glasses or have a speech impediment. However, any child can be the victim of a bully. Bullies will also challenge popular children in attempt to gain more popularity. Sometimes it is just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The bully needs an audience. Therefore, bulling primarily occurs on school grounds and is played out in front of a group. Lunchrooms, playgrounds, hallways, locker rooms, and bathrooms are prime areas for confrontation.

The elements of confrontation include the leader (bully), the followers, the victim, and the bystanders. Research shows that over  75% of school children will be involved in some aspect of bullying before they reach high school, playing at least one, if not more of these roles.

The consequences of bullying are many. Children will go to great lengths to avoid being the victim of a bully. If they are not prepared in a positive way, they will naturally resort to negative  ways of coping such as cutting class, feigning illness, poor grades, and social withdrawal. For a child repeatedly victimized by a bully, humiliation, fear, anxiety, and depression are constant companions that can lead to harmful, shocking, and unexpected behaviour from an otherwise shy and timid child.

Victims may feel ashamed and tend to view themselves as failures. They are more prone to stress related illnesses such as headaches and stomach aches. In extreme cases, the victim of a bully can experience severe depression and entertain thoughts of suicide.

Lack of safety is a top concern to young people, and bullying is a real and constant threat. When a child's sense of security is compromised, the child usually responds by taking the role of bystander, even if the victim is a friend. This burdens a child and may cause him or her to harbour feelings of guilt because they did nothing to stop or prevent the bullying. Reasons for not reporting bullying or helping a friend in trouble include fear of retribution and exclusion as well as other personal consequences.

A lack of security deeply damages the learning environment and process. It may result in the disruption of the classroom, and preoccupy students. It can also inhibit a child's creativity and self-expression. Subsequently, this leads to poor attention spans and academic achievements suffer.

Prepare Your Child For The Bully

Teach your child to walk tall and to maintain eye contact. Body language is important in all aspects of your child's life. Portraying a positive, self-confident stature will help your child cope in many areas. Teach your child to accompany the confident posture with positive, self-affirming thoughts that valid his or her rights as a person. These affirmations will aid your child in speaking up without provoking a bully, and very well serve to defuse the situation.

The element of surprise can make the bully take a step back. Bullies like easy prey. A joke, a flip comment, or a question is an unexpected response to harassment, and might be just enough to make the bully think his actions aren't delivering the desired outcome.

Help your child to identify role models. Encourage your child to read stories that inspire. Share this time with your child and point out how strength of character and perseverance can achieve positive outcomes without resorting to violence or force.

Writing is another avenue to help your child cope. Encourage your child to keep a diary or journal. Creativity and self-expression are important and productive tools used to work through negative issues. Writing provides a safe outlet for a child. Point out the benefits of journaling positive experiences as well as expressing their feelings about bullying.

Friendships are very important. If you child has difficulties making or maintaining friends, intervene and help. Friendships are a protection against bullying. Observe and identify children that might have things in common with your child and arrange a visit. Encourage your child to join activities that will build strength and confidence.

Bullying is often considered a "kids will be kids" problem. According to the National School Safety Centre, however, bullying has become a pervasive and serious form of harassment in many schools. Dr. Dan Olweus, a professor of psychology and leading expert on bully-victim problems, reports that one child in 10 is regularly attacked either verbally or physically by bullies. Elementary school-age children are the most frequent target of bullying by older students. The best way to safeguard your children from becoming a victim of a bully is to teach them how to be assertive. This involves encouraging your children to express their feelings clearly, to say no when they feel pressured or uncomfortable, to stand up for themselves verbally without fighting, and to walk away in more dangerous situations. Bullies are less likely to intimidate children who are confident and resourceful.

Profile on Bullies

The following are traits common to bullies:

1. They are concerned with their own pleasure rather than thinking about anyone else.
2. They want power.
3. They are willing to use other people to get what they want.
4. They feel hurt inside.
5. They find it difficult to see things from someone else's perspective.

Tips for Helping Children Deal with Bullies

• Teach your children early on to steer clear of youth with bullying behaviour.

• Teach your children to be assertive rather than aggressive or violent when confronted by a bully.

• Instruct them to walk away and get help from an adult in more dangerous situations. Practice various responses with your children through role-playing.

• Teach your children to never defend themselves from bullies with a gun or other weapon.

• Keep communication lines open with your children. Encourage your children to share information about school and school-related activities.

• Pay attention to the following symptoms that may indicate your child is being bullied: withdrawal, abrupt lack of interest in school, a drop in grades, or signs of physical abuse.

• If your child is a victim of bullying at school, inform school officials immediately. Keep your own written records of the names, dates, times, and circumstances of bullying incidents. Submit a copy of this report to the school principal.

• Respond to your children's concerns and fears with patience, love and support.

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Have you had a meaningful conversation together? Do you know what your child accomplished today, how he may be feeling, whether or not he has any concerns? Does your child know that you care about him?In Islaam, the ties of kinship and family are very strong and something that will always be present throughout our lifetime. There are very serious consequences for someone who decides to break these ties.

Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) says, {Then, is it to be expected of you, if you were put in authority, that you will do mischief in the land, and break your ties of kith and kin? Such are the men whom Allah has cursed for He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.} (Qur'aan, [47]:22-23)

The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, "Whoever severs the bonds of kinship will not enter Paradise." (al-Bukhari and Muslim).

A major component of our familial ties is communication. In fact, without communication there would be little connection between people. Living together in the same household with limited, or even hostile, interaction would not fit the criteria for maintaining the bonds of kinship. To develop meaningful relationships within our families we need to know how to communicate effectively and sincerely with each other. A large part of this involves skills and principles that can be learned through practice and sincere effort.

The following is a guide to strengthen these ties that bind.

1) Active Listening.

You may be surprised to discover that the most important aspect of effective communication is listening. This means that the listener pays full attention to the speaker and attempts to understand what that person is saying and feeling. The listener should suspend judgment, show interest, and respect what is being said. He or she may then restate the content and feelings to demonstrate that sincerity is present. The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) always gave his full attention to anyone that he conversed with, even his enemies and those with whom he disagreed.

In turn, when he addressed his companions, they listened intently and attached importance to everything he said.

2) Level of Understanding.

Parents should always keep in mind the age and level of understanding of their child and should speak with him accordingly. The Prophet (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) said "Speak to the people keeping in view their level of understanding. Would you like to see them think of what you tell them from Allah and His Messenger as lies?" (al-Bukhari) This is important so that the child will be able to comprehend what is said, the expectations of the parents will not go beyond the capacity of the child and lead to problems, and difficulties will not be placed upon the child unnecessarily.

This is particularly pertinent for sensitive issues such as death, personal modesty issues, and adult responsibilities. There are various levels of complexity with each of these and the correct level needs to be chosen for each child. One way to ascertain this is by the type of questions that a child asks.

3) The Manners of a Mu'min (Believer).

A believer is someone who believes in Allah's Message and follows the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam). In relationships then, a believer would demonstrate honesty, kindness, patience, self-restraint, fairness, trustworthiness, etc. He would avoid teasing, blaming, belittling, mocking, excessive and idle talk, and fault-finding. There are many Qur'anic verses and ahadeeth that give detailed descriptions of this topic such as:

{Verily, Allah is with the patient.} (Qur'aan, [2]: 153), {Speak fair to the people.} (Qur'aan, [2]:83),

{Kind words and covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury.} (Qur'aan, [2]:263),

"A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim. He does not wrong him, nor insult him nor humiliate him." (Saheeh Muslim).

Also, "The thing which will make the majority of people enter Paradise is fear of Allah and good manners." (at-Tirmidhi)

These principles should be applied in conversations with children and teenagers as well as adults. It is probably even more important with young people because we are setting an example for them. What do we want our children to learn? We can not expect kindness and respect from our children if we are not being kind and respectful toward them.

4) Avoiding Contention.

The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, "If a man gives up contention when he is in the wrong, a house will be built for him within the Garden of Paradise; but if a man gives up contention, even when he is in the right, a house will be built for him in the loftiest part of the Garden." (at-Tirmidhi) The value of this advice lies in the fact that contention and disputes lead to a breakdown in the relationship, even rancor, enmity, and hostility. I have worked with many families where this has occurred and it can be very difficult to mend the wounds that have been created and to bring family members back together. It goes without saying that it is best to completely avoid reaching this low level.

Let us all work to improve our style of communication and our relationships with each other. When our children feel that their parents understand them and are willing to listen to them, they will open up their hearts and trust will develop. Effective teaching and discipline cannot be implemented without a certain level of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. If you are concerned about your children in a non-Muslim environment and it is affecting the way you interact with them, the best you can do is teach and advise them, give them responsibility, trust them, and let them know that you care for them. We can then make du'a (supplication) and rely upon Allah's Grace and Assistance. This is our best weapon in a world of non-belief. May Allah help each of us to strengthen the ties that bind us together as a family and bring happiness and contentment to our homes.  Aaameen.

Practical Tips

• Set aside some time each day to talk with your child. If you have more than one child, each should have their own equal, individual time.

• Read books with your child about Islaam that pertain to relationships with others and stories about the Prophets (peace be upon them all), and the Companions (radiallaahu 'anhum). These will provide you with the necessary guidelines and inspiration.

• Tape-record one of your conversatios and rate yourself or have others give you feedback. This is an effective method to determine your weak areas and to improve upon them.

• Obtain advice from other parents when needed, especially those who have more experience. This may save time and avoid undue hardships and pain.

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Many times parents and adults do things intentionally or unintentionally that may set a bad example to their children and other youngsters around. Below would be some such situations and advises on how to set a better example for your youngsters.

Lying

"Tell them I'm not here," we yell at our spouse or children as the telephone rings. Although we might not have noticed it, we have just set an example of lying for our children. When they see us lying, they may say to themselves that it's okay to lie. Dad and mom do it.

If we had been more conscious of our role as an example for our children, we could have avoided this mistake by telling our spouse or our children to say that we were unavailable to talk now, not that we were not at home; or by simply taking the call. But we should never lie as Muslims.

Many other "little" things that we do during the day may actually be setting bad examples for our children without us even realizing it. Remaining constantly aware of our role, as being examples for our children to imitate, might help us to avoid making such serious mistakes. 

Making False Promises to Children

For example, we should never tell them, "I will take you for ice cream if you are good," when we have no intention of taking them for ice cream. This is also lying, and if we do it, our children may lose confidence in that which we say.

Arguing

How must it feel like for children to see their mother and father yelling at each other and even hitting each other? What horror must they be feeling at that time? And how will they know what to do afterwards? Can they ever go back to the same loving relationship with their father and mother after watching them abuse each other? If we do make the mistake of arguing or fighting in front of our children and then make up later, we should be sure to include the children and even if need be, apologize to them for our immature and un-Islamic behavior.

Inshaa'Allah, they will respect us even more for admitting that we were wrong. 

Making Fun of Others

If we say, "Hey, look at that ugly guy over there! Ha! Ha! Ha!," our children may think that this is acceptable behavior. Afterward, if they publicly say something bad about somebody and we or that person gets embarrassed, we should remember that we are the ones who taught them to behave in such an unacceptable way.

Gossip

We must not gossip or speak evil about others behind their backs. Even though the victims of our gossip might not hear us, our children will. They are watching us eat the dead flesh of our brothers and sisters, and it could affect them in many ways. They might simply begin to believe that this is normal behavior, or they might be extremely disgusted with their parents for behaving in this way. Either way our children will be negatively influenced. 

Bad Radio/ Television Programs

Later, when we tell our children not to watch kissing or violence on T.V., they will see us as hypocrites and lose respect for us if do so ourselves.

As Muslims, we should of course try to be the best human beings we can possibly be. As Muslim parents, we must try even harder because our behavior will very likely have a major impact on the behavior of our children now and how they grow-up to see the world. It's not what mom and dad say; it's what mom and dad do.

Raising kids is an incredible responsibility. If we want to succeed, we must raise them with both words and actions. As human beings, we will at times do wrong and make mistakes. But please try your best and especially, NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!

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Parents worry more about their child in adolescence for the fact that this is a period of his sudden metamorphosis in life. Small children do normally mirror what parents have taught them. But in adolescence things could go different and parents need to consider their child as an individual in his own right. This difference from the parents should not only be tolerated but encouraged. Conscientious parents adjust to this reality and behave in a reassuring manner towards their child.

The Change

Adolescence is a stage that has its unique features. It is not a period of pinpoint accuracy for an individual. It can start from the age of ten or even sixteen. Generally, it is treated as the teen-age period. So, what happens at this stage?

Adolescence is a period of great change. There are the physical changes, called puberty, which include the body changes to make a child physically capable of reproduction. Then there is social change when an adolescent changes from being a child, dependent on his family, towards being independent adult. There are also the emotional changes which comes as a result of the chemical changes in the body and from coping with more and changing responsibilities.

These changes are obviously a natural progression in the human lifecycle. As boys and girls grow in distinct ways, fathers and mothers respectively should take responsibility of sailing this through without much commotion.

Privacy

An adolescent suddenly becomes conscious about himself, especially about his body. He needs privacy and often times to reflect. If parents can afford, he should be provided his own room. In any case, there should be separate rooms for brothers and sisters. Islamic adab (etiquette) of knocking at the door before entering should be applied more rigorously at this stage.

Every Child is different

Not every child grows in the same way. Some pass it through peacefully and in a smooth manner, others have turbulent time. Parents must not overreact with a child who is having a difficult time during adolescence. Any change in human phase is delicate and should be treated accordingly. After all, it is a life experience and man cannot recreate life for another experiment.

Moderation in Dealing with Adolescents

Authoritarian parents make things worse for their child. It kills off dynamism and creativity and creates simmering discontent that, most often, gives rise to rebellion at later stage. On the contrary, easy going parents are those who are either too liberal or indifferent to their child to the extent that they consider him as an adult. Guiding a child to them is patronising! This leads the young person to lose the essence of discipline in life. This could prove deadly in a society ridden with laissez faire (individualism) moral values.

The best way is the moderation, especially in dealing with an adolescent. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) always adopted moderation and opted for easy path in doing something. Parents have to be firm, fair and just in order not only to lead a happy family, but to prepare the future generation with these fundamental social qualities.

Sibling Arguments

Sibling rivalry is common in a family and it is part of their development. Parents should not over involve in this, or else they can occasionally be outplayed by the children. However, when involved, they should not be biased or look biased. They should not automatically blame the elder one for any quarrel, although it is natural to show sympathy with the little one. Sibling rivalry phases out with time.

Tools of the Trade!

Experienced and conscientious parents are aware that there are positive techniques to manage their teenaged child. The widely accepted policy of reward and sanction, if used in proper context and with honesty, lead to a successful upbringing of a child and also solve many problems. There are no rule of thumbs in family affairs. However, the following guidelines are proven to be fruitful in dealing with a teen:

• Share decision-making: Teens often come up with clever ideas that could help in decision making. At the same time, inclusion in decision-making helps them feel part of the decision.

• Be consistent: Parents should not go into frequent mood swings or bouts of unpleasantness for any reason. Teenagers may start to feel confused, or else they might start thinking that these are part of normal life.

• Confess mistakes: It needs courage and parents should show this if they make any mistake at any time with their child.

• Be principled: Success in coping with adolescence depends on the family environment based on flexibility and freedom. However, Muslim life is guided by principle and fundamental tenets of Islam.

• Talk and explain: Parents must not be bossy, especially with their teens. If necessary, they should take extra pain in talking to them and explaining things. If children feel they are pushed hard there will be a distance between the parents and the children. This can prove disastrous in future.

• Negotiate and bargain: There might arise some situation when parents have to negotiate with their teens for a better outcome. Just because parents are parents, does not mean that they are always right.

• Ignore and give them space: Adolescents often need space to get rid of their anger, depression and frustration. Parents must not always bother them and leave them alone for some time.

• Supplication: A Muslim always relies on Allah for his action and outcome.

• Guidance is from Allah alone. Al-Qur'aan has recorded that even Prophet Nuh's (peace be upon him) son became one of the transgressors. Continuous supplication for the guidance of children is thus essential for a believing parent.

Family Session

The feeling of family loyalty is important and this can be enhanced in the children when they are involved fully in the family affairs. Family sessions create opportunities for free discussions on any issue under the sun. They create cohesion and homogeneity in the family.

Involve them in Islamic Groups

There are Islamic groups, club and associations everywhere now. The teenagers should be encouraged to actively involve in one of those. Parents can help them in 'shopping around' for this, as there are some groups who are busy presenting partial or extreme view of Islaam. Parents need to educate their teens how to maintain balance in their education, family responsibility, Islamic works and social welfare works. Unbalanced life during this period can hamper their future career. Parents must watch out who their child hangs around with and positively communicate with him to reduce gap, if any. In pleasant home atmosphere, a child would not unnecessarily stay outside.

Islamic Recreation

"Entertain the hearts in between hours, for if the hearts get tired they become blind." (Sunan ad-Daylami)

Horse-riding, archery and swimming were liked by the Prophets. Innocent games and exercises are the means for physical fitness and recommended strongly in Islaam. They give innocent recreation as well. Physical fitness is the source of self-confidence and essential for serving humanity.

Friendship and the Issue of Sex

Puberty changes people's attitude towards opposite sexes, as attraction for them grows stronger. The urge for sex becomes a dominant feature. Love takes a new dimension. This is a time when passion and emotion run high. Many simply give in to their base desires and satisfy their urge in illegal and sinful way. Islaam prohibits free mixing of opposite sexes and as such the teens should be taught how to lower their gaze according to Qur'anic injunction. Overcoming and controlling them needs self-discipline, positive environment and strong family anchor.

Good company can really help an adolescent in this turning point of life. However, finding genuine friends is not always easy. Parents should be alert during this period and lend their support to their child when necessary. Bad company can ruin an adolescent's life.

School and Career

Adolescence period is also extremely important for building future career for a child. Choosing a school is thus very important. It is a basic right of a child to get a good education. Parents must look for the best school they can afford. Mixed schools should be avoided at any cost despite what many people say how important it is to know the opposite gender. If it is not at all possible, parents must be extra careful with their child's Islamic development. They should also avoid a school that has racism, bullying or Islamophobic discrimination.

Parents with gifted, talented or underachieving child should make sure provisions are being made for his needs.

Money Matters

An adolescent gets more and more responsible as he grows. He should gradually be given the opportunity to earn and spend money for himself. This gives him individual choice and freedom. In a family beset with financial difficulties this helps alleviate the situation. Suitable part-time jobs that do not hamper education can be helpful.

Responsible Man and Woman

Adolescence is a ladder to become an adult, even if one does not prepare for it. Positive parents make sure that the transition becomes smooth and Islamically sound. Conscientious parents invest in their child so that one day, when they are not there, their child replace them with full responsibility. As the Muslim world is undergoing a transition period as well, Muslim parents must succeed in bringing out the best in their future generation so that they can genuinely claim to be the 'best of nations' in the real sense of the term.

What if Crisis?

Nothing is problem-free in this world. In spite of continuous effort and supplication for a child since birth, he can have problems and create one for the family, especially in his adolescence. How do the parents tackle it? It is really hard and emotionally disturbing for the parents to deal with their problem child. However, should it unfortunately happen to any parent, professional advice should be sought without delay. Timely, professional and caring intervention inshaa'Allah brings remedy. Procrastination is the enemy. However, there is no hasty solution. In any case, parents should not easily give up.

Most important thing to remember is to control the anger and maintain justice, even in extreme situation. Some years ago an Asian father in Birmingham, England, killed his own daughter out of anger. He is now serving a life term. Anger works like a fire and ignites emotion. The Prophetic traditions on anger are illuminating,

"Anger is from Devil, Devil is created from fire, and fire is extinguished by water. So, if one of you becomes angry let him perform ablution." (Aboo Daawood)

"If one of you gets angry let him be silent." (Ahmad)

"If one of you gets angry while he is standing let him sit down, and if he is still angry let him lie down." (Ahmad)

"The one who swallows up anger will be called out by Allah, the Exalted, to the forefront of the creatures on Resurrection Day and will be offered any pure-eyed virgin he will like." (Aboo Daawud, and at-Tirmidhi)

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Parents of young children (preschool age) should have few expectations in terms of behavior and acquisition of knowledge due to the cognitive limitations at this age. This does not mean that children should be allowed to run about and do as they please; they still require guidelines and boundaries.

What it does mean is that care should be taken regarding the methods that are used to raise children and the values that are instilled from the very beginning. It is interesting to note that the Arabic term tarbiyyah, which is often used to mean teaching or training, generally refers to growth, increase, nourishment, and cultivation. This relates to the physical, intellectual, emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of an individual. When thinking of growth and cultivation this implies that something has already been planted or is already present (natural Fitrah, disposition). Tarbiyyah then refers to the various methods that are used to watch over and attend to a child until he or she becomes prepared to take responsibility and behave in complete submission to and worship of Allaah, subhanahu wa ta'aala.

The following suggestions are techniques that may be used for tarbiyyah for early-childhood.

Play, Play, Play

Play should be the primary emphasis during this time in a child's life since this is the means through which they gain an understanding of the world around them. Pretend or imaginative play is the most common type of play during this stage and this directly impacts cognitive, social, and psychological development. Children will often mimic or imitate the behavior of adults or other children around them in their play, which is their way of preparing for their particular roles in life. Girls will most often imitate their mother, and boys will follow in the footsteps of their father. You will see girls playing with dolls, dressing and feeding them and boys in more rough-and-tumble physical types of play. These gender roles develop at an early age and are a natural part of Allaah's plan for the differentiation of responsibilities for men and women.

These and other types of play should be encouraged and fostered in young children.

Prevention

The saying "Prevention is the best medicine" is true not only in the medical field, but also within psychology. There are many steps that parents can take to prevent misbehavior and avoid the disruption that this can cause within the family. First of all, children need predictability, structure, and guidelines because this gives them a sense of security and a feeling that there is order in the world. When this is present they are less likely to feel anxious or stressed which, in turn, will decrease the likelihood of inappropriate behavior.

Children will sometimes act chaotic if they are in a chaotic environment. Secondly, probably the most common reason for misbehavior is to gain attention from a parent or other adults. A defining feature of being human is the need for social contact, approval, and attention that is already present at birth. When parents fulfill this need adequately, a child will feel content and be more likely to engage in solitary play. If a child is not able to obtain attention through positive behavior, he or she may utilize negative behavior for this purpose. Parents can fulfill this need by spending quality time with their child (e.g., talking, playing, reading, enjoying nature, and much more). Quality is often more important than quantity.

Rewarding Positive Behavior

The concept of rewards and punishments is an integral part of Islamic 'Aqeedah as there are natural consequences for each of our actions. This same wisdom can be applied to the area of parenting. The Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said that Allaah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "Allaah has written down the good deeds and the bad ones. Then He explained it (by saying that) he who has intended a good deed and has not done it, Allaah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed; but if he has intended it and has done it, Allaah writes it down with Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over. But if he has intended a bad deed and has not done it, Allaah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allaah writes it down as one bad deed." (al-Bukhaaree and Muslim).

Allaah's mercy can be seen in this Hadith Qudsi and this should be reflected in a parent's tarbiyyah aswell. Rewards are effective in not only increasing the occurrence of positive behavior, but also in decreasing negative behavior and increasing a child's self-esteem. The most effective rewards for children are those that are the easiest to give: praise, encouragement, hugs, thanks, etc.

Ignoring Misbehavior

Many of the inappropriate behaviors of young children can simply be ignored or disregarded. The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, is our best example in this regard. Anas ibn Maalik (may Allah be pleased with him) said,

"The Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, had the best disposition among people. One day he sent me on an errand and I said, 'By Allaah, I will not go,' but it was in my mind that I would do as the Messenger of Allaah had ordered me.

I went until I came upon children playing in the street. Then the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, arrived and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind. As I looked at him, I found him smiling, and he said, 'Unays (Anas' nickname), did you go where I asked you to go?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allaah, yes, I am going.'" Anas said further,

"I served him for nine years, but I do not know that he ever said to me about anything I did, why I did that, or about anything I had neglected, why I had not done that." (Saheeh Muslim).

We may want to compare this to how we react to or interact with our own children. For young children, in particular, it is really counterproductive to berate, question, and reprimand when they really have little understanding as to why they acted in a certain way. Simply ignoring the behavior may be the most appropriate response. Another related technique is to redirect the child to something else in the environment to draw attention away from the undesirable.

It is important to realize that within these general guidelines there are about as many ways to parent as there are parents. Parents need to take into consideration the unique personalities, dispositions, and gifts of each child when deciding upon a particular approach. What may work with one child may not necessarily be effective with another. It is also imperative to remember that our children are one of the greatest tests that we have from Allaah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, and we need to continually ask Him for assistance and guidance for ourselves and our children. This is the most effective and powerful tool for tarbiyyah. Allah says,

{When My servants ask you (Muhammad) concerning Me, I am indeed near. I respond to the prayer of every suppliant when he calls on Me. Let them also, with a will, listen to My call and believe in Me, that they may walk in the right way.} (al-Qur'aan, [2]:186)

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When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learnt that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learnt that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learnt to trust in Allah, the All-Mighty.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learnt that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learnt that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I felt you kiss me good night and I felt loved and safe.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learnt we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learnt that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw tears come from your eyes and I learnt that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I learnt most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive Muslim when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I looked at you and wanted to say:

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Indeed, Allah has created children with a pure innate nature, and whatever defects that sink in later on are due to a number of reasons. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said, “Every child is born on Fitrah (man’s innate disposition to monotheism), his parents make him Jewish, Christian or a fire worshipper.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Islaam commands the parents to take care of their children and to bring them up according to Islamic manners. Allah, the Almighty, has entrusted parents with their children. Therefore, parents bear the responsibility to raise up their children in the Islamic way. If they do so, they will be, Allah Willing, blessed in this life and the Hereafter. If they don't, they may see the bad results of it during their life, and Allah forbid, in the Hereafter. 

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said, “All of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for things under your guardianship; the ruler is a guardian (managing his state’s affairs) and he is responsible for things under his care, the man is a guardian over his family and responsible for them, the woman is a guardian of her husband's house and she is responsible for it. All of you are guardians and responsible for things under your control.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim) 

The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, did not excuse anyone from a responsibility that Allah (the Almighty) has put on an individual. The ruler is responsible, the man and woman are responsible... all within their capabilities, domains, and authorities. Sadly, the loss of true Islaam from our Muslim Ummah these days is nothing but a result of the neglect of this responsibility. Men and women, fathers and mothers, share the responsibility to raise, educate, and build the new generation in the correct method and the right way. 

The human has in him both the good and bad tendencies; therefore, parents must encourage and refine the good tendencies in their children. Referring to this, Allah Almighty says, {O you who believe, protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones. } (At-Tahreem: 6) 

The protection of yourself and your family from Hell-Fire can be done by good Islamic education, the practice of good morals and nobility. 

Islaam does not distinguish between male and female with regard to education requirements. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said, “Whoever has a daughter, tutors her on good morals, educates her well and feeds her properly, she will be a protection for him from Hell-Fire.”

Methods

1- Show your child the value of good deeds and their affect on the individuals and society. Also demonstrating the effects of bad deeds, while taking into account the child's capability of understanding.

2- Parents should be a good example in their behavior because children like to imitate their parents in their words and actions.

3- Teach your child the religious principles and tutor them in worship, again taking into account the child's capability of understanding. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said,

4- Treat your children lovingly and kindly. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us this practically.

When he was praying as an Imaam with the people, his grandson al-Hasan, son of his daughter Faatimah, may Allah be pleased with them both, climbed on his back while he was bowing. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, lengthened his Rukoo'. When he finished his prayer, some Companions said, “You lengthened your bow?” Then the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, answered, “My grandson rode my back and I hate hastening him”

“Man is inclined to get influenced by his friend's manners, so one must be careful in choosing friends.” (Reported by Abu Dawud & At-Tirmidhi)

6- Encourage your child's sense of belonging to the Muslim Ummah, by teaching him/her the importance of brotherhood and sisterhood between Muslims. Teaching your child to care for the Muslims, be they from or in any land. Make him/her feel like they are apart of the Muslim body; to feel joy when Muslims are joyous, to feel sad for Muslims' sadness, and to do their best to achieve the Muslim Ummah’s goals.

Practical Tips

A- Take children to Masaajid and introduce them to their brothers/sisters in Islaam regardless of race, language, or origin.

B- Teach children the history of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, his Companions and the history of the Prophets. Keeping in mind the child's capability of understanding.

C- Encourage children to sympathize with Muslims and to contribute to the solutions Muslims face, such as poverty by donating some money to poor Muslim children.

D- Take part in celebrations, picnics and festivals with Muslims, especially with children of the same age.

E- Imbue in children the feeling of love for Allah, His Prophets, Muslims, and righteous deeds. This love, Allah Willing, will lead to special behavior towards and for all those loved.

The above are general guidelines which will hopefully help parents accomplish the job entrusted to them by Allah Almighty and His Messenger (peace be upon him).

Surely, the standing infront of Allah Almighty is near indeed,

{And say, "Do deeds! Allah will see your deeds, and (so will) his Messenger and the believers. And you will be brought back to the All-Knower of the unseen and the seen. Then He will inform you of what you used to do." } (At-Tawbah: 105)

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Children are easily influenced by their surroundings. These days, it is extremely difficult to expose our children to an ideal Islamic environment given the influences from media, friends and even other members of the family.

With television, radio, Internet and forms of media mostly touting un-Islamic values, it is up to parents and adults close to the children to set the correct example.

It is impossible to shield our children from all the negative forces that can shape their minds and, ultimately, their behavior.

However, by our own example and showing them better options, we can set them on the true path, which is to obey the commandments of Allah (swt) and our Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him).

Here are some tips you may want to follow in helping your children grow up with Islamic values.

1. Start by teaching them the importance of Worshipping only Allah: The best thing any Muslim parent could ever teach their children is to emphasize, from the day they can comprehend, that Allah (the Almighty) is One and no one is worthy of worship except Allah (the Almighty). This is the fundamental message of our Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and it is our key to Paradise.
2. Treat them kindly: Kindness begets kindness. If we are kind to our children, they in turn will show kindness to others. Our Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) was the best example in being kind to children.
3. Give them examples of Muslim heroes: Instead of Batman or Superman, tell them about real heroes such as Abu Bakr, 'Umar ibn al-Khattab, Uthman ibn 'Affan, 'Ali bin Abi Talib and others. Tell them how Muslim leaders brought a real peaceful change in the world and won the hearts of Muslims and non-Muslims alike.
4. Let children sit with adults: It is preferable for children to be among adults, especially when listening to Islamic lectures. The Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) would often put children in the front row when he spoke to the people.
5. Make them feel important: Consult them in family matters. Let them feel they are important members of the family and have a part to play in the growth and well being of the family.
6. Go out as a family: Take family trips rather than allowing your children to always go out only with their friends. Let your children be around family and friends from whom you want them to pick up their values. Always remember that your children will become who they are around with most of the time. So, watch their company and above all give them YOUR company.
7. Praise them: Praise is a powerful tool with children, especially in front of others. Children feel a sense of pride when their parents’ praise them and will be keen to perform other good deeds. However, praise must be limited to Islamic deeds and deeds of moral value.
8. Avoid humiliation: Similarly, do not humiliate them in front of others. Children make mistakes. Sometimes, these mistakes occur in their efforts to please the parents. If you are unhappy with your children, tell them in private.
9. Sports: The Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) encouraged sports such as swimming, running and horse riding. Other sports that build character and physical strength are also recommended, as long as the children maintain their Islamic identity, wear appropriate clothes and do not engage in unnecessary mixing.
10. Responsibility: Have faith in their abilities to perform tasks. Give them chores to do in line with their age. Convince them that they are performing an important function and you will find them eager to help you out again.
11. Don’t spoil them: Children are easily spoiled. If they receive everything they ask for, they will expect you to oblige on every occasion. Be wise in what you buy for them. Avoid extravagance and unnecessary luxuries. Take them to an orphanage or poor area of your city once in a while so they can see how privileged they are.
12. Don’t be just friends: It is common in the West for parents to consider their children as friends. In Islaam, it doesn’t work that way. If you have ever heard how friends talk to each other, then you will know that this is not how a parent-child relationship should be. You are the parents, and they should respect you, and this is what you should be teaching them. The friendship part should be limited to you and them keeping an open dialog so they can share their concerns with you and ask you questions when they have any.
13. Pray with them: Involve them in acts of worship. When they are young, let them see you in Salaah. Soon, they would be trying to imitate you. Wake them up for Fajr and pray as a family. Talk to them about the rewards of Salaah so that it doesn’t feel like a burden to them.
14. Emphasize the permissible: It is not always good to only say, “This is haraam, that is haraam”. While you must educate them on what are haraam things, Islaam is full of halaal; tell your children to thank Allah (the Almighty) for the bounties He has bestowed on them- not just for food and clothes. Tell them to be thankful for having eyes that see, ears that hear, arms and legs and, the ultimate blessing, Islaam in their hearts.
15. Set an example: As parents, you are the best example children can have. If you talk to your parents rudely, expect your children to do the same to you. If you are disrespectful to others, your children will follow too. Islaam is filled with Divine advice on the best ways to bring up your children. That makes it an obligation upon parents to be good Muslims so their children will try to emulate them. If you don’t take Islaam seriously, neither will your children. It goes back to our third point, which is to give them Islamic heroes. As a parent, you should be their number one hero.

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The more TV a toddler watches, the higher the likelihood they will do badly at school and have poor health at the age of 10, researchers warn.

The study of 1,300 children by Michigan and Montreal universities found negative effects on older children rose with every hour of toddler TV.

Performance at school was worse, while consumption of junk foods was higher.

UK experts said parents could allow young children to watch "some" high quality TV.

The study, part of the Quebec Longitudinal Study of Child Development Main Exposure, asked parents how much TV their children watched at 29 months (two years and five months) and 53 months (four years and five months).

On average, the two-year-olds watched just under nine hours of TV per week, while for four-year-olds the average was just under 15 hours.

But 11% of the two-year-olds and 23% of four-year-olds watched more than the recommended maximum of two hours of TV a day.

When the children were revisited at the age of 10, teachers were asked to assess the children's academic performance, behaviour and health, while body mass index (BMI) was measured at 10 years old.

Higher levels of TV viewing at two was linked to a lower level of engagement in the classroom and poor achievement in maths.

Researchers also found a decrease in general physical activity but an increase in the consumption of soft drinks and in BMI (body mass index).

'Common sense'

Dr Linda Pagani, of the University of Montreal, who led the research which was published in the journal Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, said,

"Early childhood is a critical period for brain development and formation of behaviour.

High levels of TV consumption during this period can lead to future unhealthy habits.

Common sense would suggest that television exposure replaces time that could be spent engaging in other developmentally enriching activities and tasks that foster cognitive, behavioural and motor development."

And she added,

"Although we expected the impact of early TV viewing to disappear after seven and a half years of childhood, the fact that negative outcomes remained is quite daunting.

Our findings make a compelling public health argument against excessive TV viewing in early childhood."

The UK's National Literacy Trust campaigns to raise awareness of how to police a toddler's viewing.

It said that until research demonstrated that children under two might benefit from TV, parents should,

"limit exposure and encourage other one-to-one language-enhancing activities that centre on talk at mealtime, bath time, shared reading and imaginative play".

But it added,

"Encourage exposure to some high-quality, age-appropriate educational television for children aged two to five."

'Radical'

British Psychological Society member Dr Aric Sigman has carried out his own research, which highlighted concerns over young children watching too much TV. He said,

"My recommendation to the government five years ago, and even as recently as three years ago, that they merely issue general guidelines on the amount of TV that children watch and the age at which they start was considered radical and controversial.

Yet a growing body of evidence is now causing governments and health authorities elsewhere to do just that, and we need to as well.

This is yet another study reinforcing the need for our society to finally accept that quite aside from good or bad parenting, children's daily screen time is a major independent health issue."

Source: BBC Health

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Providing children with Islamic education and raising them up as good practicing Muslims are essential duties of parenthood. Rightfully fulfilling these duties will lead to the Pleasure of Allah and good for the parents and the child in this life and the Hereafter. However, ignoring these duties would lead to the destruction of the child's Hereafter and the Wrath of Allah may befall the parents for not protecting their child from the traps of Shaytaan and allowing him to choose the path of destruction.

Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock, a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock; a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for her flock, the servant is the shepherd of his master's wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock." (Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

Allah says in the Quran, {O you who believe! Save yourselves and your family from a fire whose Fuel are men and stones.} (Noble Qur'aan 66:6) One of the ways of protecting your children from the Fire is to let him memorize the Words of Allah. 

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:  "If the Quran is gathered in a body (i.e. a person), Allah will not burn him with the Fire." (al-Baihaqi, authenticated by Sheikh al-Albani)

Al-Haafidth as-Suyooti (may Allah have mercy on him) said,

"Teaching children the Qur'aan is a fundamental from the fundamentals of Islaam. By it the child will grow upon the Fitrah (natural Islamic monotheism) and the lights of wisdom will rush to their hearts before the desires are able to settle in them and darken them with the cloudiness of disobedience and misguidance."

This is because the child from the early age will be protected from the temptations of the world and whispers of the Shaytan, he will live and grow up among the gathering of Dhikr (remembrance of Allah) where tranquility and the mercy of Allah of descends, and as a result Allah will preserve his Fitrah (natural inclination of Islamic Monotheism).

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,  "No people gather in a house of the houses of Allah (i.e. Masjid) reciting the Book of Allah and studying it among themselves, except that the tranquility descends upon them, and Allah mentions them to those who are with Him (the lofty gathering of Angels)." (Saheeh Muslim)

Your child will be given a position in Paradise according to the number of verses he memorizes from the Book of Allah, it will be said to him on the Day of Judgment as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "'Read, ascend and recite with slow, rhythmic chanting just as you used to recite in the worldly life. For verily, your position (in Paradise) will be at the place of the last verse that you recite." (Aboo Daa'ood and at-Tirmidhi)

Every time your child goes to the Masjid to learn the Qur'aan he will have the reward of a perfect Hajj. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Whoever goes to the Masjid in the morning having no intention except to learn something good or teach it he will have the reward like the person who performs Hajj." (At-Tabari. Authenticated by Sheikh al-Albaani)

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased with him), "O Abu Dharr! That you set out in the morning and learn one verse from the Book of Allah is better for you than if you prayed one hundred Rak'ahs (units of prayer)." (Ibn Maajah) 

The Qur'aan will intercede for your child on the Day of Judgment, Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Recite the Quran for verily it will come on the Day of Judgment as an intercessor for those who recited it." (Saheeh Muslim)

Your child will be given to wear special garments and a crown of honor on the Day of Judgment. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, The Quran will come on the Day of Judgment and say, 'Oh Lord! Adorn him.' So the person will be made to wear the crown of honor. Then it (the Quran) will say, 'Oh Lord! Increase him.' So the person will be made to wear the garment of honor. Then it will say, 'Oh Lord! Be pleased with him.' So Allah will be pleased with him. Then it will be said, 'Recite and ascend.' And the person will receive an extra good deeds for every verse (that he recites of the Quran.)" (Saheeh at-Tirmidhi) 

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Whoever recites the Quran, learns it and acts upon it will be given a crown of light to wear on the Day of Judgment and its light will be like the light of the sun." (al-Haakim) 

So, why not encourage our children to memorize the Quran and make them one of the best individuals of this Ummah. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "The best of you are those who learn the Quran and teach it." (Saheeh al-Bukhaari)

Allah, the Exalted, has also promised abundant rewards for those parents who guide their children to memorize the Quran. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Whoever recites the Quran, learns it and acts according to it will be given a crown of light to wear on the Day of Judgment whose light will be like the sun. His parents will be clothed in two garments that did not exist in this worldly life. So they will say, 'What has caused us to be clothed (in these garments)?' It will be said, 'Your child taking hold of (i.e. memorizing) the Quran has caused this.'" (Al-Haakim graded it authentic)

When the parents leave a righteous child behind them, the child will be a source of reward and blessing for them after their death, for Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said,  "When a man dies, all his good deeds come to an end, except for three cases; the charity of continuous blessings, beneficial knowledge which he leaves behind and a righteous child who prays for him." (Saheeh Muslim) 

The parents will also receive equal amount of reward that the child receives by memorizing or reciting the Quran, for the parents guide him to this good act and instill in his heart the love for Islam, and the love for the Book of Allah.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,  "Whoever guides to something good is like the one who does it." (Saheeh Muslim) and, "Whoever invites to guidance will receive the reward like the rewards of those who follow him and that will not diminish anything from their rewards..." (Saheeh Muslim)

The parents should also send those children who are intelligent and bright to learn the Qur'aan and Islamic education. It should not be that only those children who when are unsuccessful in worldly studies are sent to Madrasah for religious studies. The parents should realize the importance of Islamic education for their children and raising well-educated Muslims who would in the future work for the Cause of Islam.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "The example of guidance and knowledge with which, Allah has sent me is like abundant rain falling on the earth, some of which was fertile soil, absorbed rain water and brought forth vegetation and grass in abundance. (And) another portion of it was hard and held the rainwater and Allah benefited the people with it and they utilized it for drinking, making their animals drink from it and for irrigation of the land for cultivation. (And) a portion of it was barren which could neither hold the water nor bring forth vegetation (then that land gave no benefits). The first is the example of the person who comprehends Allah's religion and gets benefit (from the knowledge), which Allah has revealed through me (the Prophet) and learns and then teaches others. The last example is that of a person who does not care for it and does not take Allah's guidance revealed through me (He is like that barren land.)" (Saheeh al-Bukhaari v.1 no.79)

Those parents who give the excuse that their child is weak or does not have good memory or 'he is not gifted', should know that Allah has said in the Quran, {And indeed we have made the Quran easy to remember.} (Noble Qur'aan 54:17)

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) also said, "Whoever treads on a path in search of Islamic knowledge, Allah will ease the way to Paradise for him. The Angels will lower their wings, pleased with this seeker of knowledge, and everyone in the heavens and on earth will ask forgiveness for the knowledgeable person, even the fish in the deepest of waters will ask for his forgiveness." (Aboo Daawood, Ibn Maajah and at-Tirmidhi (2835))

It is not mandatory for your child to memorize the complete Qur'aan. If he is not able to memorize the complete Qur'aan then know that only attending daily circle for memorization will suffice your child for it will accustom him to frequent the places of worship rather than visiting evil gatherings. Your child may find good companions which will protect him from deviating and adopting evil habits and practices. Allah says,

{And keep yourself patiently with those who call on their Lord, morning and afternoon, seeking His Face and let not your eyes overlook them, desiring the pomp and glitter of the life of the world; and obey not him whose hearts We have made heedless of Our Remembrance, one who follows his own lust and whose affairs (deeds) have been lost.}

(Noble Qur'aan 18:28)

Details

Category: Raising Children

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The most important thing we've learned,

So far as children are concerned,

Is never, NEVER, NEVER let

Them near your television set --

Or better still, just don't install

The idiotic thing at all.

In almost every house we've been,

We've watched them gaping at the screen. 

They loll and slop and lounge about,

And stare until their eyes pop out.

(Last week in someone's place we saw

A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)

They sit and stare and stare and sit

Until they're hypnotised by it,

Until they're absolutely drunk

With all that shocking ghastly junk.

Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,

They don't climb out the window sill,

They never fight or kick or punch,

They leave you free to cook the lunch

And wash the dishes in the sink --

But did you ever stop to think,

To wonder just exactly what

This does to your beloved tot?

IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!

IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!

IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!

IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND

HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND

A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!

HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!

HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!

HE CANNOT THINK -- HE ONLY SEES!

'All right!' you'll cry. 'All right!' you'll say,

'But if we take the set away,

What shall we do to entertain

Our darling children? Please explain!'

We'll answer this by asking you,

'What used the darling ones to do?

'How used they keep themselves contented

Before this monster was invented?'

Have you forgotten? Don't you know?

We'll say it very loud and slow:

THEY ... USED ... TO ... READ! They'd READ and READ,

AND READ and READ, and then proceed

To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!

One half their lives was reading books!

The nursery shelves held books galore!

Books cluttered up the nursery floor!

And in the bedroom, by the bed,

More books were waiting to be read!

Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales

Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales

And treasure isles, and distant shores

Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,

And pirates wearing purple pants,

And sailing ships and elephants,

And cannibals crouching 'round the pot,

Stirring away at something hot.

(It smells so good, what can it be?

Good gracious, it's Penelope.)

The younger ones had Beatrix Potter

With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,

And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,

And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and-

Just How The Camel Got His Hump,

And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,

And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,

Oh, books, what books they used to know,

Those children living long ago!

So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,

Go throw your TV set away,

And in its place you can install

A lovely bookshelf on the wall.

Then fill the shelves with lots of books,

Ignoring all the dirty looks,

The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,

And children hitting you with sticks-

Fear not, because we promise you

That, in about a week or two

Of having nothing else to do,

They'll now begin to feel the need

Of having something to read.

And once they start -- oh boy, oh boy! 

You watch the slowly growing joy

That fills their hearts. They'll grow so keen

They'll wonder what they'd ever seen

In that ridiculous machine,

That nauseating, foul, unclean,

Repulsive television screen!

And later, each and every kid

Will love you more for what you did.

Details

Category: Raising Children

Hits: 26846

1 - Raising children is complex, as they are in need of patience and management.

Some children are in need of gentleness, kindness, not raising your voice at them; such children should be dealt with without stubbornness. Other children are in need of sternness, but this sternness should not exceed the limit. If it is exceeded, then the child will become stubborn and non-compliant towards his parents’ guidance. We ask Allah to provide us with good protection and care since there is an immense responsibility around the necks of the parents.

Allah, the Exalted, said, “O you who possess Eemaan (faith), save yourselves and your families from the Fire.” [Surah Tahreem (66):6]

And in the Saheehayn (i.e. Bukhaaree and Muslim) from the Hadeeth of ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar (radhiallahu `anhu) that he said: The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Each one of you is a shepherd and each one of you is responsible (for his flock). So the ruler is a shepherd and he is responsible, the man is the shepherd of his family and he is responsible, the woman is the shepherd of her home and she is responsible, and the slave is the shepherd of his owner’s wealth and he is responsible. Each one of you is a shepherd, and each one of you is responsible (for his flock).”

It is imperative that the parents co-operate in raising their children. If one of the parents is negligent of their responsibility then one side will become deficient except for what Allah ('azza wa jall) wills.

The child should be taught according to his level and understanding. For example in the first stage, you teach the child about Allah by pointing with your fingers up towards the sky.

2 – When you give your child some food, be it a piece of bread or something similar, direct him to eat with his right hand.

3 – If the food is hot, then do not blow on it. The Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) prohibited blowing into vessels. If the child sees someone applying this, then you will find him quick to also do the same, as with other matters. This is confirmed by the statement of the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam), “Everyone is born upon the Fitrah (natural disposition), but the parents make him (i.e. the child) a Jew, Christian, or Magian.”

And in Saheeh Muslim from the Hadeeth of ‘Iyaad bin Hummaar that he said: The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Allah, The Exalted, said: ‘I created my servants Hunafaa’ (upon pure Tawheed), but the devils pre-occupied their attention.''

4 – When your child is a year and a half, if he/she wants to eat or drink, then teach them to say, ‘Bismillaah’ (In the Name of Allah). Thereafter, it will become a norm and the child, himself, will say, ‘Bismillaah.’

5 – When you find that the child is ready and can comprehend the pillars of Islam, Eemaan (faith), and the pillar of Ihsaan (perfection in worship), then teach them them. Do not set a specific age teaching him, because the fluency and intellect of children differ.

The pillars of Islaam are:

On the authority of ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allah be pleased with both of them, that he said: The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Islam is founded on five (pillars): (i) Bearing witness that Laa ilaaha ill Allah and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, (ii) to establish the prayer, (iii) to pay the Zakaat, (iv) to fast Ramadhaan, and (v) to make the pilgrimage (Hajj) to the House (i.e. the Ka’bah in Makkah).” (Related by Bukhaaree and Muslim)

The pillars of Eemaan (Faith) are:

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah, (radiyAllahu 'anhu), that he said: The Messenger of Allah, (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Eemaan (Faith) is to believe in Allah, the angels, the Books, Messengers, and the Final Resurrection.” (Related by Bukhaaree and Muslim and Muslim is unique with this wording from the Hadeeth of ‘Umar bin al-Khattab (RA).)

The pillar of Ihsaan (Perfection in worship) is:

“It is to worship Allah as though you see Him and if you are not able to (worship Allah as though you) see Him then He sees you.” (Its reference has proceeded in the prior Hadeeth.)

6 – Teach him the legal rulings of Wudhoo’ (Ablution).

7 – When he eats from a vessel,  say to him that he should eat of that which is closest to him.

In the Saheehayn (i.e. Bukhaaree and Muslim) from the Hadeeth of ‘Umar bin Abee Salamah that he said, 'I was eating and my hands were moving frivolously around the dish, so the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said to me, “O young boy, say the name of Allah, eat with your right hand, and eat what is closest to you.”'

8 – Make him accustomed to good and excellent (actions). When he reaches the age of seven then train him to make the Salaah (Prayer).

Abu Daawood has said (1/ no. 495): The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam) said, “Order your children to make the Salaah (prayer) when they reach the age of seven. Beat them about it when they reach the age of ten and separate their beds.” (The Hadeeth’s chain of narration is Hasan.)

9 – Separate the children’s’ beds when they reach the age of ten; the Hadeeth that proves this has already proceeded.

10 – Train your child to fast, so long as it does not weaken him/her, so that when he matures he will be used to this noble and righteous act.

Bukhaaree entitled a chapter of his Saheeh (4/200) as, "Chapter The Fasting of Children". In it he said, 'It has been related to us by Musaddid that it was related to us by Bashr bin Mufaddal on Khaalid bin Dhikwaan on Rubai’ bint Mu’awwidh that she said,

The Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) sent a message to the towns of the Ansaar on the morning of ‘Aashuraa that whoever woke up without fasting, then he should continue the rest of his day (without fasting), and whoever woke up fasting then, he should fast. She said,

“So we would fast it (i.e. the day of ‘Aashuraa) thereafter, and we would have our children fast. We would give them a toy made of wool, and when one of them began to cry for food, we would give it to him (and continue like this) until it was time to break the fast.”

11 – Teach your child the authentic ‘Aqeedah (creed and belief).

Say to your child what the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said to ‘Abdullah bin ‘Abbaas (radhiallahu 'anhu), “I am going to teach you some words. Be mindful of Allah, Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah. If you seek aid, then seek aid in Allah. Know that if the entire Ummah were to gather in order to benefit you with something, they could not benefit you with anything except that Allah has written it for you. And if the entire Ummah were to gather in order to harm you with something, they could not harm you with anything except Allah has written it against you. The pen has been lifted and the pages have dried.”

12 – Advise your child with the admonishment that Luqmaan ('alyhis salaam) gave his son.

This advice has mentioned in the Qur'aan, “And (remember) when Luqmaan said to his son whilst he was advising him: O my son! Do not commit Shirk with Allah. Surely, committing Shirk with Allah is a great oppression. And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is two years. Give thanks to Me and your parents, the final destination is to Me. But if they both strive hard to make you commit Shirk with Me others that you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them. But behave with them kindly in the world, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and obedience. Then your return will be to Me and I shall tell you what you used to do. O my son! If it be anything equal to the weight of grain of a mustard seed even if it be in a rock or in the heavens or the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Verily, Allah is Subtle and All Aware. O my son! Establish the prayer, enjoin the good, forbid the evil, and be patient with the calamities that befall you. Truly, these are some of the important commandments. Do not turn your face away from men in arrogance nor should you walk through the earth in insolence. Surely, Allah does not like the arrogant boaster. Be moderate in your walk and lower your voice. Verily, the harshest of all voices is the braying of the donkey.” (Surah Luqmaan (31):13 – 19)

13 – Teach him to seek permission before entering:

Alah, the Exalted, said, “O you who believe! Let your slaves and slave-girls, and those among you who have not come to the age of puberty ask your permission (before they enter) on three occasions: Before the Fajr (morning) prayer, while you remove your clothes for the noonday (rest), and after the ‘Eshaa (night) prayer. (These) three times are of privacy for you. After these times, there is no sin on you or on them to move about, attending to each other. Thus Allah makes clear the verses to you. And Allah is All Knowing, All Wise.” (Surah Noor (24): 58)

14 – Teach your children what are the prohibited affairs so that they can abstain from them.

In the Saheehayn (i.e. Bukhaaree and Muslim) we find the Hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that he said, 'Al-Hasan bin ‘Alee took a date from the dates set aside for charity and put it in his mouth. So the Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu' alayhi wa sallam) said, “Take it out of your mouth. Take it out of your mouth and discard it. Have you not learned that we do not eat from charity?”

15 – Explain to them the meanings of any Aayah (verse) or the Hadeeth (Prophetic Narration) that you convey to them.

16 – Fasten your child's heart to Allah, the Almighty, the Majestic. Some children, their hearts are fastened to the Dunya (i.e. the life of this world), diplomas, and degrees. Their hearts are filled with delusions, and it is feared that these darknesses may overtake them (i.e. their hearts).

17 – Concern for memorizing the Qur’aan:

Make your child memorize something light everyday even if it is only one verse. Those that busy themselves with the Qur’aan are the most excellent of the people. There has come in Saheeh al-Bukhaaree from the Hadeeth of ‘Uthmaan bin ‘Affaan (may Allah be pleased with him) that he said (that) the Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “The best of you are those that learn the Qur’aan and teach it.” And in a narration of al-Bukhaaree, “Surely the most virtuous of you” in place of “the best of you.”

The Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) advised placing importance on the Qur’aan. Imaam al-Bukhaaree has stated (vol. 9 #5022): It has been relayed to us by Muhammad bin Yoosuf that Maalik bin Mughawwil relayed to us, that Talhah relayed to us that he said, I asked ‘Abdullah bin Abee Awfaa, “Did the Prophet (sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam) give an admonishment?” So he said, “No.” So I said, “How did he prescribe the admonishment on the people? He ordered them with it and he did not admonish them?” He said,

“He admonished and advised with the Book of Allah.”

Al-Haafith (i.e. Ibn Hajar al-‘Asqalaanee) stated,

“The intention (behind ‘Abdullah bin Abee Awfa's saying) ‘...admonished and advised with the Book of Allah,’ is memorizing it, following it, acting in accordance with it, abstaining from its prohibitions, constantly reciting it, teaching it, and the likes.”

The Virtues of the Qur’aan and Its People

Abu Umaamah al-Baahilee said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) saying, “Read and recite the Qur’aan since, on the Day of Resurrection, it will come as an intercessor for the one who memorizes it.”

The Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “The Qur’aan will come and its people, those (who) worked in accordance with it, will be preceded by Surah al-Baqarah [chapter 2] and Aali ‘Imraan [chapter 3] interceding for those that memorized them.”

The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “The one who recites the Qur’aan and is fluent in that he will be amongst the ranks of the noble and pious scribes. The one who recites it stuttering and it is difficult for him will have two rewards.” (Related by the two Shaykh’s i.e. Bukhaaree and Muslim.)

The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam) also said, “The example of the Mu’min (believer) that recites the Qur’aan is like a citrus fruit. Its fragrance is fine and its taste is delicious. And the example of the Mu’min (believer) that does not recite the Qur’aan is like a date. It does not have a fragrance but it tastes sweet. The example of the Munaafiq (hypocrite) that recites the Qur’aan is like a Rayhaanah (sweet basil). Its fragrance is fine but it tastes sour. The example of the Munaafiq (hypocrite) that does not recite the Qur’aan is like a Hanthalah (Colocynth). It has no fragrance and it tastes sour.” (Related by the two Shaykh’s.)

The Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Allah will raise a people by this Book and lower others by it.” (Related by Muslim)

The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam) said, “It will be said to the one who memorized the Qur’aan, ‘Recite melodiously as you used to recite melodiously in the Dunya (i.e. the life of this world). For surely, your station and level will be at the last verse that you recite.” (Related by Ahmad (2/192), Aboo Daawood, and at-Tirmidhee. It is a Hadeeth Hasan)

The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam) said, “There is no envy except in two (cases): A man that Allah has given him the Qur’aan so he practices it day and night, and a man that Allah has given him wealth, so he spends it day and night.” (Related by the two Shaykh’s)

The person that memorizes the Qur’aan must review it well since if s/he doesn’t it will go away from them swiftly and expeditiously.

The Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Attend to and maintain the Qur’aan for by the One in Whose Hand my soul is, it will flee faster than an untied camel.”

18 – Do not allow your children to mix with incompetent foolish children as your child will take from both their repugnant statements and actions and what he your child has learned will be destroyed. As the poet said:

The child will memorize what is given to him and he will not
Forget it since his heart is like a pure gem
Engrave whatever information you desire on his heart
Regardless, he will recall it with a firm memory
Therefore, the child is empty and will accept everything.
And as it is said, ‘Engraving in youth is like engraving in stone.’

19 – Do not allow your children to remain outside at dusk since Satan disperses and goes out at that time, and it is possible that they may harm your child.

The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “When the darkness of the night comes or at dusk, bring your children in since the Shaytaan (Satan) disperses at that time. Then after an hour passes of the night then leave them, and close your doors mentioning the name of Allah since the Shaytaan (Satan) can not open a closed door.” (Related by Muslim)

20 – Sometimes, leave your child to play by himself since if he is constantly prevented from play, his intellect may become inactive and he will be stricken with boredom.

If parents desire to raise their children Islamically, then they should strive hard to cultivate their children with an Islamic cultivation by teaching them the Book and the Sunnah. From the ways by which the parent's ranks will be raised in the Hereafter is by their children being righteous and supplicating for the parents. There has come in Saheeh Muslim from the Hadeeth of Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “When the son of Aadam dies, his actions are cut off except three: A continuous charity, or knowledge that is benefited from, or a righteous child that supplicates for him.”

The Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) also said, “A righteous servant will be raised in degrees in Paradise and he will say, ‘O my Lord, how can this be?’ So it will be said, ‘By your son seeking forgiveness.” (al-Musnad)

If the parents are righteous and the children are righteous but have not reached the level of the parents, Allah will raise the level of the children to that of their parents. He, the Exalted, has stated, “And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith, to them We shall join with their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything. Every person is a pledge for that which he has earned.” (Surah Toor (52): 21])

The child may be a blessing for the parents also when he/she obeys them and listens to them. This is what the righteous request their Lord to grant them. As He, the Exalted, has stated, “And those who say: ‘Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqun (i.e. the pious).” (Surah Furqaan (25):74)

21 – Encourage your child to sit amongst the righteous.

Here is the righteous mother, Umm Sulaym; she brought her son, Anas, to the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) and said,

“Anas is your servant, O Messenger of Allah, so supplicate to Allah for him.”

So he said, “O Allah grant him an Abundance of wealth and children and bless him therein.”

It is binding upon the parents to put forth efforts in raising their children. Then they must realise that guidance is in the Hand of Allah, as a person is not able to guide himself not to mention guiding someone else.

Here is Nuh, may salutation be bestowed upon him, a Prophet from the Prophets of Allah, yet he was not able to guide his son. He implored his son to be with them and to leave the disbelievers. As He, the Almighty, has stated: “And Nooh called out to his son, who had separated himself (apart): ‘O my son! Embark with us and be not with the disbelievers.” (Surah Hood (11):42)

His son answered: “The son replied: ‘I will betake myself to some mountain, it will save me from the water.’ Nooh said: ‘This day there is no savoir from the Decree of Allah except him on whom He has mercy.’ And waves came in between them, so he (the son) was among the drowned.” (Surah Hood (11):43)

Here is Ibraaheem, may salutation be bestowed upon him. He admonished his father to abandon Shirk (Polytheism) as has come in more than one chapter; his father did not submit to the advice of his son. Rather, he said: “He (the father/uncle) said: ‘Do you reject my gods, O Ibraaheem? If you do not stop this, I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely (before I punish you).” (Surah Maryam (19): 46)

Here is our Prophet, Muhammad (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam). He implored his uncle, Aboo Taalib, to embrace Islaam, but he refused; ultimately he died upon Shirk.

There are many examples of this, and this occurred frequently amongst the righteous before us. Shu’bah ibn al-Hajjaaj (may Allah have mercy on him) would say,

“I have a son and I named him Sa’d, but he has not been fortunate (Sa’ada) nor has he been successful.”

He would say to him, “Go to Hishaam ad- Dustawaa’ee (i.e. to learn).”

So he said,

“I want to go watch the pigeons.” (Refer to Meezaan al I’tidaal [2/122])

Here is Ismaa’eel ibn Ibraaheem ibn Muqassim. He was a righteous man and from among his children was Ibraaheem who was a staunch Jahmee and would say that the Qur’aan is created. Therefore, dear parents, guidance is in the Hand of Allah, the Almighty - though it is imperative to carry out the means. If Allah desires good for your child, s/he will submit to the advice. If Allah desires other than that, he will continue upon what he is upon.

And the poet would say,

If the natural disposition is evil,
Then neither good manners, nor refined education will benefit him.

Some children are a trial for their parents. Due to this, Allah, the Exalted, says, “Verily, among your wives and your children are enemies for you (who may stop from you from the obedience of Allah); therefore beware of them!” (Surah Taghaabun (64):14) And the “among” in the verse means 'some'. 

And He, the Exalted,  says: “O you who believe! Let not your properties or your children divert you from the remembrance of Allah. And whosoever does that, then they are the losers.” (Surah Munafiqoon (63): 9)

They become a trial when they are a reason for the parents deviance and distracting them from the affairs of the religion. Such examples are:

a) A Muslim father’s son becomes ill, so the father rushes to a magician. This is Kufr (disbelief in Allah) as they claim knowledge of the unseen, and none has knowledge of the unseen save Allah.

He, the Exalted, stated, “Nor will Allah disclose to you the secrets of the unseen.” (Surah Aali ‘Imraan (3):179)

And He, the Exalted, stated, “And with him are the keys to the unseen, none knows them but He.” (Surah An’aam (6): 59)

To the end of other similar verses. So based upon this, the father would have committed Kufr (disbelief in Allah) because of his son.

b) Some people have televisions in their homes in order to distract and amuse their child. The television is Haraam (impermissible) due to the many evils that it encompasses. From them: Images (i.e. of human beings and animals), musical instruments, women looking at the men and visa versa, embracing the ideologies of the enemies of Islam, and much more.

In this way, children can become enemies towards their parents and his child will not benefit him on the Day of Resurrection. Rather, he will flee from him. As He, the Exalted, has stated,: “That Day a man shall flee from his brother, and from his mother and father, and from his wife and children. Every man that Day will have enough to make him careless of others.” (Surah ‘Abasa (80):34-37)

Whoever is tested with a disobedient child, then he should supplicate and call upon his Lord. He, the Exalted, stated,

Love and affection is to be within the boundaries of the legislation. Parents must not commit impermissible acts for their children.

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1. Knowledge of and love for Allah and the Deen.

This is one of the most precious and enduring gifts you can pass down to your daughter, one that will benefit her in this life and the next.

2. Memorisation of the Qur’aan.

No matter how little you have memorised yourself, push your daughter to memorise as much she can. Encourage her and help her to revise. It will stand her in good stead in her life and will be a source of reward for you after your death as well.

3. A good example of Muslim womanhood.

Most girls look to their mothers for guidance. Embody the characteristics of a strong, faithful Muslimah and she will be inspired to follow your example.

4. A sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

Instil a sense of confidence in your child by encouraging her skills, talents and personality to develop. Make her feel secure in her identity and show her that she is loved and appreciated. This will have a positive impact on her future relationships and how she interacts with the world.

5. A sense of modesty.

Instil a love for Hijaab in your daughter and encourage her to be modest, never boastful or conceited, in all areas of her life.

6. Your language.

If you speak Arabic, be sure to teach it to her so that she has the key to the understanding of the Qur’aan. Also, if you have a mother tongue or speak a second language yourself, pass it on: a second or third language is always an asset, whether in a study, work or social environment.

7. A skill that you have.

If you are an avid gardener, knitter or love painting, pass your skill onto your daughter. With so many ‘traditional’ skills being lost in today’s fast-paced world, you owe it to her to share your knowledge and pass it on to the next generation.

8. Your favourite recipes.

Yes, teach your daughter how to cook! Be it from a cookbook, an original recipe or passed down from your mother or even your grandmother, we all have our own trademark recipes: pass them on to your daughter and encourage her to develop some specialities of her own.

9. Housekeeping skills.

Instill good housekeeping habits in all your children and encourage them to take pride in a neat and tidy home. Pass any tricks or shortcuts on so that your daughter is well-equipped when she has a home of her own.

10. Your family history.

Give her a sense of her roots and heritage by sharing your family story with her. Acquaint her with her family tree and teach her the lessons learned by the different generations. Hopefully, she will do the same with her children, Inshaa' Allah (Allah Willing).

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Category: Daughterhood

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"I love you, mom," whispered Yusuf as he wrapped the soft pashmina shawl around his mother's shoulders. The vibrant peach contrasted with the dark rings that had grown under her eyes lately, but their brightness had not faded.

Her eyes lit up as she stroked the delicate embroidery on the edge of the shawl, "And this...Yusuf?"

Yusuf looked at her with the excitement of a young boy unpacking his first bicycle, "Wait ma...there's more," he cried, as he removed a burgundy jewellery box. Presenting it in front of his mother, like they were the crown jewels, he gingerly lifted the lid to reveal a string of exquisite cultured pearls, delicately strung together with small black pearls breaking the shimmer of the white pearls.

"Yusuf!" exclaimed his mother, her eyes brimming, "What's all this?"

Yusuf stepped back and looked at his mother holding the pearl necklace close to her chest, admiring it, "Mom, you always wanted a pearl necklace...."

"But it must have cost you a small fortune," said Saffiyah as she held the pearls up to the light, studying the delicate changes of colour as she turned the necklace, "Why now...what's special?"

"It's my mother's day!" he beamed.

"Er..," began Saffiyah as she craned her neck to look at the calendar behind her, "But it's not mother's day. Not for a while, yet?" a puzzled look settling on her face.

"I didn't say it was Mother's day," replied Yusuf, "I said it was MY mother's day. But let me explain...."

"You remember I told you about Nasser who recently moved here from the coast?"

Saffiyah nodded in acknowledgement.

Yusuf paused to pour some tea, adding a sugar to each cup, handing one to his mother he continued, "Wiping a tear from his eye he told me that his mother passed away when he was only five years old. He said that he could still remember the smell of her hair after she washed it, but remembered little else."

Yusuf watched his mother sipping her tea and noticed just how wrinkled her hands had become...

"After Nasser's mother passed away he lived in the care of his aunties. They were good to him and cared for him as one of their own. They bought him what he needed and he had much of what he needed. Then he told me "You know, Joe, no one can replace the embrace of a mother. And no one can replace the du'a (prayer) of a mother. I lost that dua a long time ago." Then I thought of all the du'as you make for me - how often when I rush out of the house you always say, "Yusuf, slow down, Allah Ta'ala be with you!" "Allah Hafiz." "Yusuf, may Allah Ta'ala make your children the coolness of your eye."

"Ma...I never really cherished those du'as until I heard Nasser's story," said Yusuf, dabbing his eye with a tissue, "I never knew that those were treasures beyond measure. And then it made some sense to me of what Sheikh said when he quoted 'Abdullah Ibn 'Abbas (RA), "If any Muslim obeys Allah regarding his parents, Allah will open two gates of the Garden for him. If there is only one parent, then one gate will be opened. If one of them is angry, then Allah will not be pleased with him until that parent is pleased with him." (Weak Hadeeth, not to be narrated without mentioning this.)

"And when Nasser told me – 'Joe (as Yusuf was referred to by his friends), you know, I will never be able to call anyone in this world Mum, and I will never know the embrace of a mother. You still have it, Joe, value it, treasure it,' I realised that what Allah had favoured me with was something so special that I couldn't just celebrate it once a year and call it mother's day. I decided that from now MY Mother's day will be Every Day! - Yesterday, today and tomorrow will all be mother's day. I can never repay you, but I know the heart of a mother asks for no repayment. And...if I can do nothing else for my mother's day then I will at least thank Allah that he allowed my door of du'a to be open for one more day."

"Forgive me ma....." Yusuf choked, "I need to do so much more for you...."

Saffiyah clasped his hands and stroked his face, "You are a good son, Yusuf, Allah Ta'ala will grant you lots of goodness in this world and the next."

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Ibn Hubayrah, the governor of Iraq tried to force Imām Abū Ḥanīfah (raḥimahullah) to accept the role of Qāḍī (Judge). When the Imām refused, he was struck with a hundred and ten lashes. He was beaten so severely that his head was swollen and breathing became difficult for him. He remained strong throughout his torture but when he found out that, his mother was grieved by what had happened to him, his eyes overflowed with tears. When he was freed, he said:

'The grief of my mother was more difficult on me than the beating.'

Source: Faḍā'il Abī Ḥanīfah.

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Eid was nearing and I felt it was necessary to get my Mother a new Abaya (Cloak or Jilbaab) as her other Abayas were frail and worn out. I stopped by on Saturday morning and told my mum to come along as I have a surprise for her.

I don't normally like to go shopping and I'm not a patient person, but we set off for the mall together. We visited nearly every Islamic Clothing Store that carried ladies' Abayas, and my mother tried on many. We were so undecided as some were too huge and others too small...some were just right but the colour was not so smart etc.

As the day wore on, I grew weary. Finally, at our last stop, my mother tried on a lovely Brown Abaya that had lovely beige ribbon trimmings. The Abaya had some bows in front. As I stood in the dressing room with her, I watched as she tried, with much difficulty, to tie the bows. Her hands were so badly crippled from arthritis that she couldn't do it. Immediately, my impatience gave way to an overwhelming wave of compassion for her. I turned away to try and hide the tears that welled up involuntarily. Regaining my composure, I turned back to tie the bow for her.

Our shopping trip was over, but the event was etched indelibly in my memory. For the rest of the day, my mind kept returning to that moment in the dressing room and to the vision of my mother's hands trying to tie that bow. Those loving hands that had fed me, bathed me, dressed me, caressed and comforted me, and, most of all, prayed for me, were now touching me in the most remarkable manner.

Later in the evening, I went to my mother's room, took her hands in mine, kissed them and, much to her surprise, told her that to me they were the most beautiful hands in the world. Tears started following profusely from her aged and weak eyes as I narrated how I appreciated all that her beautiful hands had done for me since I could remember. I could not forget how she stood at my bed side for days and fed me with those beautiful hands while I recovered from an accident. I was aged 17 at that time. Today at 33 and I can only pray that some day Allah will let my hands, and my heart achieve such a beauty of their own.

Eid morning came and before the Eid prayer I entered my aged mother’s room and requested the honour of tying the bow on her beautiful Abaya. She gently nodded her head. My eyes soaked with tears…my heart filled with gratitude. I thanked Allah for this great honour on this beautiful day of Eid.

"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth." (Quran- Surah al-Ahqaf; 46: 15)

The Prophet Muhammad is reported to have said: "Jannah lies under the feet of your mother." (Ibn Majah)

Let us not wait for Mother's or Father's Day or any other occasion to show kindness to our parents.

Let's serve our parents today as they may not be with us tomorrow.

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Those of you who still have your mothers with you, this is something to ponder and to witness as your life unfolds. Those of you who, no longer have your mothers with you, this may be something that sparks a memory for you. Those of you who are mothers, this is something for you to think about as you move through life with your children. Those who have no children, this is something to think about when you encounter children along your life's path, as mothering is not relegated to a biological parent only!!!

***

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.

"Is this the long way?"

,she asked. And the guide said,

"Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young mother cried,

"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold.

The mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said,

"Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children,

"A little patience and we are there."

So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said,

"Mother, we would not have done it without you."

And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said,

"This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I have given them strength."

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said,

"Look up. Lift your eyes to the light."

And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said,

"This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children the awareness of Islaam."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said,

"I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said,

"We cannot see her, but her example is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory, she is an example to be followed."

Your mother is the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop.

TO ALL OUR MOTHERS. MAY WE NEVER TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED.

O Allah, forgive us and our parents, and reward them with the finest reward. O Allah, elevate their position in the hereafter and this world.  Make that which befalls them an expiation for their sins. O Allah, grant them residence in al-Firdows, the highest level of Jannah, with the Prophets, the Siddeeqeen, and the Martyrs. Aameen.

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The rights of parents over their children may be summed up as treating them well in all matters, and behaving with them kindly as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning),

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents.” [al-Ahqaaf 46:15]

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents.” [al-‘Ankaboot 29:8]

“But behave with them in the world kindly.” [Luqmaan 31:15]

Shaykh al-Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

“Be dutiful and kind to parents” means: treat them kindly in all ways, in word and in deed. [Tafseer al-Sa’di, p. 524.]

One of the most important acts of worship that the child is asked to do with regard to his parents is to obey them, to do as they ask and to refrain from what they tell him not to do. So if his father tells him to do something, he hastens to do what he is told, and if he tells him not to do something, he hastens to give it up, so long as that does not involve any disobedience towards Allaah and his Messenger, because there is no obedience to any created being if itinvolves disobedience towards the Creator.

Then he can make du’aa’ for them and pray for forgiveness for them, especially when they grow old and weak and are in need of someone to treat them kindly and take care of their needs. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning),

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’.” [al-Isra’ 17:23-24]

Allaah has given examples in His Book of kind treatment of parents. Allaah says of His slave Yahya ibn Zakariyya,

“(It was said to his son): ‘O Yahya (John)! Hold fast the Scripture [the Tawraat (Torah)].’ And We gave him wisdom while yet a child.

And (made him) sympathetic to men as a mercy (or a grant) from Us, and pure from sins [i.e. Yahya (John)] and he was righteous,

And dutiful towards his parents, and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient (to Allaah or to his parents).

And Salaam (peace) be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he will be raised up to life (again)!”[Maryam 19:12-15]

Ibn Jareer al-Tabari (may Allaah have mercy on him) said,

“And dutiful towards his parents” meaning that he was quick to obey them, loving towards them, and not disobedient.

“and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient” – here Allaah tells us that he was not too proud to obey Allaah or his parents, rather he was humble and submissive towards Allaah and his parents, doing what he was commanded to and avoiding what was forbidden to him; he neither disobeyed his Lord nor his parents. [Tafseer al-Tabari, 16/58]

And Allaah said of His slave ‘Eesa ibn Maryam (interpretation of the meaning),

“He [‘Eesa (Jesus)] said: ‘Verily, I am a slave of Allaah, He has given me the Scripture and made me a Prophet;

And He has made me blessed wheresoever I be, and has enjoined on me Salaah (prayer), and Zakaah, as long as I live.”

And dutiful to my mother, and made me not arrogant, unblessed.’” [Maryam 19:30-32]

Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

The words “And dutiful to my mother” means: and He has commanded me to be dutiful to my mother. This is mentioned after obedience to his Lord, because Allaah often mentions the command to worship him and to be dutiful to one’s parents together, as in the verses where He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents.” [al-Isra’ 17:23]

“Give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.” [Luqmaan 31:14]

And the words “and made me not arrogant, unblessed’” means, He has not made me arrogant and too proud to worship and obey Him and to honour my mother, and thus be doomed as a result of that. [Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 3/121]

As for after the parents have died, the child can do many things, such as the following:

1 – If he has wealth, and his parents were in debt, he can discharge their duty by paying off the debt for them.

2 – If he has wealth and his parents had not performed Hajj, he may perform Hajj on their behalf, or pay for someone else to perform Hajj on their behalf.

3 – He may pray for forgiveness for them and pray for mercy for them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.’” [al-Isra’ 17:24]

Shaykh Ibn Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said,

This means, pray for mercy for them, when they are alive and after they die. [Tafseer al-Sa’di, p. 524]

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “A man may be raised in status in Paradise and will say, 'Where did this come from?' And it will be said: 'From your son’s praying for forgiveness for you.'” [Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 3660; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 1617]. This applies if the child has reached the age of discernment and is able to earn money. But if the child is young and does not yet understand things, then these words do not apply in his case.

An example of how the righteous and pious predecessors honoured their parents is that of ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him),

It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Dinaar from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar that a man from among the Bedouins met him on the road to Makkah. ‘Abd-Allaah greeted him with salaam, seated him on the donkey that he was riding and gave him a turban that he had been wearing on his head. Ibn Dinar said: 'We said to him,

"May Allaah guide you, they are just Bedouins and they would be content with little."

‘Abd-Allaah said,

"The father of this man was a friend of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (i.e. the father of 'Abdullah ibn 'Umar) and I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say, “The best act of kindness is for the son to uphold ties (of friendship) with those who were his father’s friends.”' [Narrated by Muslim, 2552.]

According to another report narrated by Ibn ‘Umar, When he went out to Makkah, he had a donkey which he would ride when he got tired of riding his camel, and a turban which he tied around his head. One day whilst he was riding that donkey, a Bedouin passed by him. He said,

"Are you not So and so, the son of So and so?"

He said, "Yes." He (Ibn 'Umar) gave him the donkey that he was riding and said, "Ride it." And he gave him the turban that he had been wearing on his head, and he said, "Tie it around your head." Some of his Companions said, "May Allaah forgive you, you have given this Bedouin a donkey that you used to ride when you got tired of riding your camel and a turban that you used to wear on your head." He said,

"I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “The best act of kind of kindness is for a man to honour his father’s friend after he has died,” and (this man’s) father was a friend of ‘Umar (i.e. my father's friend)."

Abu Hurayrah was appointed in charge of Madeenah by Marwaan. He lived in Dhul-Hulayfah (approximately ten kilometers from Madeenah) and his mother lived in one house and he lived in another. When he wanted to go out he would stand at her door, and say, "Peace be upon you, O my mother, and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings."

She would say in return, "And upon you, O my son, and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings." He would then say,

"May Allaah have mercy on you, as you brought me up when I was young."

And she would say,

"May Allaah have mercy on you as you took care of me when I grew old."

Then when he returned home, he would do likewise.

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The rights of parents are great indeed. Allaah mentions parents’ rights in conjunction with His own rights in many verses, for example, when He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Worship Allaah and join none with Him (in worship); and do good to parents.” [al-Nisa’ 4:36]

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents.” [al-Isra’ 17:23]

“And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.”[Luqmaan 31:.1]

And there are many similar verses. These verses indicate that it is obligatory to honour our parents, treat them kindly and thank them for their kindness to the child when he was in his mother’s womb and until he became independent and could take care of his own interests. Honouring them includes spending on them when they are in need, hearing and obeying them with regard to things that are good and proper, lowering the wing of humility to them, not raising one’s voice to them, and addressing them with good words and politeness, as Allaah says in Soorat Bani Israa’eel:

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.’” [al-Isra’ 17:23-24]

In al-Saheehayn it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was asked which deed is best. He said, “Prayer performed on time.” He was asked, "When what?" He said, “Honouring one’s parents.” He was asked, "Then what?" He said, “Jihad for the sake of Allaah.”

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The pleasure of Allaah is in pleasing one’s father and the anger of Allaah is in angering one’s father.” [Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1821; classed as saheeh by Ibn Hibaan and al-Haakim, from the hadeeth of ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allaah be pleased with him). The version narrated by al-Tabaraani refers to “parents” (instead of “father”).] And there are very many ahaadeeth which state that it is obligatory to honour one’s parents and treat them kindly.

The opposite of honouring them is disobeying them, which is one of the major sins, because it is proven in al-Saheehayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Shall I not tell you of the greatest of major sins?” – three times – and we said, “Yes, O Messenger of Allaah!” He said, “Associating others in worship with Allaah, and disobeying one’s parents,” – and he was reclining, but he sat up and said, “And false speech and false witness.” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2654; Muslim, 126.]

In al-Saheehayn it is also narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “One of the major sins is a man insulting his parents.” It was said, “O Messenger of Allaah, do people really insult their parents?” He said, “Yes, a man insults another man’s father so he insults his father, or he insults another man's mother so he insults his mother.” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5973; Muslim, 130]

Therefore, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) regarded causing one’s parents to be insulted as insulting them. Every Muslim man and woman must pay attention to honouring his or her parents and treating them kindly, especially when they grow old or are in need of kindness, honour and service; and they should beware of disobeying them or treating them badly in word or deed.

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Honouring one’s parents is a duty on all children, male and female, and there is no difference between them in this regard, because of the general meaning of the evidence which enjoins honouring one’s parents and treating them well, such as the verses in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning),

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’” [al-Isra’ 17:23, 24]

“Worship Allaah and join none with Him (in worship); and do good to parents…” [al-Nisa’ 4:36]

Al-Bukhaari (527) and Muslim narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood (may Allaah be pleased with him) said, 'I asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), "Which deed is best?" He said, “Prayer offered on time.” I said, "Then what?" He said, “Honouring one’s parents.” I said: "Then what?" He said: “Jihad for the sake of Allaah.”

Al-Bukhaari (5971) and Muslim (2548) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said, A man came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said,

"Which of the people is most deserving of my good companionship?"

He said, “Your mother.” He said, "Then who?"

He said, “Then your mother.” He said, "Then who?"

He said, “Then your mother.” He said, "Then who?" He said: “Then your father.”

This evidence and other texts are general in meaning and enjoin children, whether male or female, to honour their parents, but some kinds of honouring the parents may be easier for males than females, such as visiting the parents regularly, because a woman’s husband may prevent her from visiting her parents or visiting them very often.

If the wife wants to visit her parents and serve her mother, but she cannot do that because of her husband, then she will be rewarded for this desire and good intention. The saheeh Sunnah indicates that the one who wants to do a good deed and is eager to do it will be rewarded like one who did it, if he is unable to do it.

Al-Bukhaari (4423) narrated from Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came back from the campaign to Tabook and when he drew close to Madeenah he said, “In Madeenah there are people who, whenever you travelled any distance or crossed any valley, were with you.” They said, "O Messenger of Allaah, even though they are in Madeenah?" He said, “Even though they are in Madeenah, because they were kept there by excuses.”

Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his commentary on al-Bukhaari,

This indicates that a man may attain by means of his intention that which the one who does the deed may attain, if he is prevented from acting by some excuse.

Al-Tirmidhi (2325) and Ibn Majaah (4228) narrated from Abu Kabshah al-Anmaari that he heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say,

“Four people are making the most of this world: A man to whom Allaah gives wealth and knowledge, so he fears his Lord with regard to the way in which he disposes of his wealth, and he uses it to uphold ties of kinship and he realizes that Allaah has rights over it. This man occupies the highest status. And a man to whom Allaah has given knowledge but did not give him wealth, so he is sincere in his intention when he says, ‘If I had wealth I would have done the same as So and so is doing.’ So he will rewarded according to his intention and the reward of both of them is the same…”(Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.)

May Allaah help us all to do that which He loves and which pleases Him. Aameen.

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Category: Daughterhood

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The responsibilities of a married woman towards her parents are like those of any other woman. The rights of the parents remain both before and after marriage, but obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict.

If the command of the parents conflicts with the command of the husband, then what takes precedence is the command of the husband. But the Muslim husband and the Muslim wife must strive to avoid conflict with the parents, and strive to achieve harmony between them and their parents.

One of the matters to which the married woman should pay attention concerning her parents is that she should strive to visit them from time to time, and give them appropriate gifts even if they have no real material value. She should try to avoid letting her children’s misbehaviour annoy them when visiting them, and avoid telling them about marital disagreements.

Shaykh Muhammad al-Duwaysh said,

If her parents need money and she is able to spend on them, then it is obligatory for her to spend on them as much as she is able to. If she does not have money of her own, but she intercedes with her husband, if he has money, to help her parents, then she will be rewarded for that in sha Allah. This is part of honouring her parents.

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Category: Daughterhood

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Whenever people would come from Yemen, Umar, the Companion of the Prophet (peace be upon him) would ask them,

“Is Uways Al-Qaranee amongst you?

Until, one year, he met Uways. He said, Are you Uways Al-Qaranee?”

He said, “Yes.” Umar continued, “From Muraad, then Qaran?” He said, “Yes.”

Umar then asked, “Were you once afflicted with leprosy and your skin healed except for a dirham’s area?” Uways said, “Yes.”

Umar finally asked, “Do you have a mother (that is alive)?” He said, “Yes.”

Umar then said,

“I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say, "Uways ibn Aamir will come to you with the delegations from Yemen, from Muraad, then from Qaran. He was once afflicted with leprosy and his skin healed except for a dirham’s area. He has a mother, and he treats her kindly. If he was to ever swear by Allah (for something) Allah would fulfill his oath. If you can, request that he ask forgiveness for you.”

Umar then requested from Uways, “Ask forgiveness for me.” And Uways Al-Qaranee did.

Allah (ta’ala) commanded us, {And your Lord decreed that you should worship none but Him and that you be dutiful to your Parents. If one of them or both attain old age in your life, then do not say to them uff (a word of disrespect), nor shout at them, rather address them in terms of honour / And lower for them the wing of submission and humility through mercy. And say, “My Lord! Grant them Your Mercy as they brought me up when I was small.} [Qur'an - Al-Israa’ 17:23-24]

Ad-Daylami collected from al-Husayn ibn Ali, that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “If Allah knew any smaller than uff (tsk) to be disrespectful to parents, He would have decreed it to be Haram!” In Bukhaari, a man came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) seeking permission to go for Jihad. The Prophet (peace be upon him) asked him, “Are your Parents alive?” He said, “Yes.” He (peace be upon him) said, “Perform Jihad (in you kind treatment) of them.”

If someone came to you today and offered you a free lunch, what would be your response? No doubt you would smile, speak kindly to them, and reserve a special place in your heart for their memory. Why is it then that our parents receive only cold stares, harsh words and bitter treatment and they are who they are in our lives? For twenty or thirty years they fed us, clothed us, washed us, and showered their mercy on our soft skin. Their love for us never dies even if we do, love that goes even beyond us, to our children and even their children.

Dear Brothers and Sisters, we all have parents – whether they are with us or not – and many have not understood the severity of their position in our lives and their right to be respected and revered. Today I want to remind you and I of the true position of our Parents, may Allah have mercy on them all.

Birr Al-Waalidayn (Kindness Towards Parents) is a characteristic of the believer. Al-Hasan Al Basree defined it saying,

Al-Birr is to obey the parents in everything that they ask so long as it is not to disobey Allah. Uqooq is to disown your parents, denying them all of your goodness.

By the Ijma’ of the Ulamaa’, being respectful and obedient to ones parents is Fardh! Ibn Hazm said,

“(Obeying ones parents) is Fard!” and he quoted the verse: {And your Lord decreed that you should worship none but Him and that you be dutiful to your Parents.}

To better understand what is meant by Birr Al-Walidayn (kindness to parents), the scholars set the following conditions:

· One: He should place the pleasure of his parents above the pleasure of anyone else, including himself and his wife and kids. Everyone.

· Two: He should obey them in everything they command or forbid, whether it agrees with his desires or not, so long as they do not command the disobedience of Allah.

· Three: He should present them with everything he feels they desire, whether they ask for it or not. He should present it with kindness and mercy, understanding – no matter what he does – his shortcomings in fulfilling the true kindness that his parents deserve.

Allah’s love comes when our parents love us. And Allah’s anger comes when our parents are angry with us. Ibn Abbas raa said,

“There are three things that will not be accepted if it’s mate is not fulfilled. (And he mentioned),

{Thank Me (Allah) and your Parents...} [Qur'an - Luqmaan 31:14]

Ibn Abbaas continued, “Thus whoever thanks Allah and is not thankful to his parents, Allah will not accept from him.”

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “the Pleasure of Allah is from the pleasure of the parents, and the anger of Allah is from the anger of the parents.”

Let us think about how many of us treat our parents. We shy away from them when they may need something. We never visit if we are away from them. In fact, many people dispose of their parents in retirement homes. And when an argument ignites between our parents and us, many of us shout at them as if we were arguing with our evilest enemy, May Allah protect us all.

Compare this to those that came before us. Dhibyaan ibn Ali ath-Thowree (ra) used to travel with his mother to Makkah. There – in the scorching heat – he would dig a little pool and fill it with cool water. Then he would turn to his mother and say,

Ummi (my mother), sit in this water to cool yourself.

For many of us, our friends are more precious to us than our Mother and Father. Forgetful we are of the time a man came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and asked him who is more worthy of his dear companionship. He (peace be upon him) said, “your Mother!” The man asked again and again, and the Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “Your Mother! Your Mother!” Until on the fourth time he (peace be upon him) said, “Your Father.” Today, when the common question is asked, “Who is your best friend?” How many people would say, “My Mother!” But this is how the question should be answered and implemented.

What pleases our parents comes before everything, so long as it is not in disobedience of Allah. The scholars understood this and set the example for us. Haywah bin Shurayh (ra), one of the Imam’s of our Ummah, used to give classes in front of his home. During the class, his Mother would call him to feed the chickens. He would stand up, leave the Halaqah, and go feed the chickens.

We all want Allah to accept from us, we would all like to enter Paradise. Look down – dear brothers and sisters - and you will find paradise at the feet of your mother.

Narrated Ahmad and An-Nasaa’ee, from Mu’aawiyah ibn Jaahimah As-Sulamee, My father, Jaahimah (raa) went to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and asked, “O Messenger of Allah, I would like to go out and fight for the sake of Allah, and I have come to you for advice.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) asked him, “Is your Mother alive?” He said, “Yes.” “Then stay near her,” advised the Prophet (peace be upon him), “For at her feet is Jannah!”

On the other side, making our Parents sad or even making them cry is one of the many ways to earn Allah’s anger. Imam Ahmad narrates, from Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibn Al-Aas (raa): A man came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) to give him his pledge of Allegiance. He said, “I have come to pledge allegiance to you for Hijrah! And I have left both my parents behind crying.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) commanded him, “Go back,  and the same way that you made them cry, make them laugh.”

Ibn Umar (raa) said,

Making ones parents cry is amongst the 'Uqooq, a major sin!

Shaykh al-Qaasim once said,

Subhaan Allah! How can we leave our parents sobbing, tears that the throne of Allah shakes for, tears that unsettle the Angels in the heavens, and then we claim that we want to go for Jihad so that Allah will be pleased with us? Go back and make them happy with your visit as you made them sad by your departure. If they laugh and are pleased with you, Allah will be pleased.

During the funeral of his mother, Al-Haarith Al-Aklee (ra) weeped. When asked for the reason of his tears he said,

Why should I not cry when one of my doors to Paradise has now closed?

In conclusion, let us reflect on the virtue of respecting our parents:

It is one of the greatest things that we can do. In Bukhari and Muslim, from Abd Allah ibn Mas’ood (raa), a man asked the Prophet (peace be upon him), “What deed is most beloved by Allah?” He (peace be upon him) said, “Salah on time.”

The man asked, “And then?” He (peace be upon him) said, “Respecting and revering ones parents.”

He said, “And then?” “Jihad for the sake of Allah.”

· It is a means by which our sins are forgiven. When Allah commanded in the Qur’an, {And We enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents...}

The next verse tells us:

{They are those from whom We shall accept the best of their deeds and overlook their evil deeds, (they shall be) amongst the dwellers of Paradise.} [Qur'an - Al-Ahqaaf 46:15-16]

Respecting our parents will lead us to Jannah! In Muslim, from Abu Hurayrah (raa), I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say, “May he perish! May he perish! May he perish!” It was asked, “Who, O Messenger of Allah?” The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “He whose parents attain old age in his life – one or both of them – and he does not enter Paradise (because of his goodness towards them).”

And when our parents are gone, the goodness towards them does not end.

Malik ibn Rabi’ah Al-Saa’idi narrated: We were sitting with the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) when an Ansaari man came and asked, “O Messenger of Allah, is there anything left from my Birr to my parents that I should present to them after their death?” The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,

“Yes, four things: Pray and ask forgiveness for them. Fulfill their pledges. Be kind to their friends. And maintain the ties of kinship that come from only their direction. That is what is left from your Birr to them after their death.” [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, and Ibn Maajah]

Aamir ibn Abd Allah ibn Az-Zubayr (ra) said,

My father died, and for an entire year I did not ask Allah for anything except that He forgive my Father.

Remember dear brothers and sisters as you meet your parents today, the words of Rasul Allah (peace be upon him), “Fa feehima fa Jaahid! (Do Jihad in (your kind treatment of) your parents.)”

O Allah, forgive us and our parents, and reward them with the finest reward. O Allah, elevate their position in the hereafter and this world; make that which befalls them an expiation for their sins. O Allah, grant them residence in Firdows, the highest level of Jannah, with the Prophets, the Siddeeqeen, and the Martyrs.

Aameen!

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Category: Domestic Violence

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‘Domestic violence’ is a term used to describe aggressive, oppressive and ‘dominant’ behaviour adopted by one individual over a fellow human being. This behaviour occurs in families and relationships around the world and across cultures, religions, and race.

Domestic violence manifests itself in various forms - most frequently as physical violence - but can also present itself as emotional abuse and financial abuse. Although it is suffered by both men and women, the majority of the victims are women. In fact, many sufferers fear for the security of their lives, and are hesitant to come forward as a result.

Considering this problem, many cases of domestic violence consequently remain unnoticed or unreported. However the Home Office and other researchers have conducted investigations to obtain an idea of the actual figures. Some of the findings are as follows:

· 16% to 25% of all recorded violent crimes are classified as forms of domestic violence (Dodd et al, 2004).

· Stanko (2000) found that police in the UK receive a call regarding domestic violence every minute. This amounts to over 570,000 calls per year - 89% of which are made by women.

· Furthermore, only 23% - 35% (Home Office, 2002) of actual domestic violence matters are reported to the police (Walby & Allen, 2004).

The last statistic which is clearly worrying, is one barrier that is found in the Muslim community. Many Muslims fear that simply by admitting domestic violence exists in their communities, this will lead the West to believe that Islam is a ‘violent religion that oppresses women’. However the reality is that domestic violence is a universal problem amongst all faiths. Therefore, we cannot let victims in our own communities suffer in silence; denial is simply hypocritical. If we know we can potentially help alleviate a torment (i.e. by reporting it), but we do not help to alleviate it, we become one of the tormentors. Therefore we need to educate ourselves of the reality of domestic violence.

However at the same time, there are two false impressions people have of the Muslim community:

· Firstly, that domestic violence is more common in the Muslim community than in any other religious community; and

· Secondly, that such violence is tolerable in Islam.

The first false impression can be refuted by statistics, which have shown that - in the United States alone - three women are killed each day on average by their intimate partners. Therefore the problem is clearly an epidemic across all faiths, and not more so in one over the other.

As for the second false impression (that Islam accepts domestic violence), scriptural evidence proves otherwise. The Qur’an and the Hadith clearly show that Islam not only condemns violence, but consistently places a high value on maintaining a peaceful family life. We know that - regardless of religious, ethnic, racial and socio-economic classes - domestic violence will always occur. However the rulings of Islamic scholars have constantly conveyed how Islam condemns the abuse of women. It raises the woman to be the epitome of society. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is also the perfect example of how to treat women, as he treated his wives in such a manner that each of them felt they were his most beloved.

In spite of the Islamic condemnations of domestic violence, many Muslims incorrectly think that Islam permits acts of domestic violence. Their excuse is that they refer to what is known as an often misunderstood verse in the Qur’an (Surah Nisaa, v. 34). They wrongly interpret this verse to give them a license to use aggression against their wives.

This incorrect approach is a result of numerous factors, including: cultural norms, historical practices, and a lack of knowledge of scriptural interpretations. There are two categories of guilty people. Firstly, the ones who inflict the physical and mental abuse; (in most cases, the father or husband), and secondly, those who try to hide the fact that people belonging to the first category actually exist. It is naive at best (and irresponsible at worst), to claim that domestic violence does not exist in our communities. This taboo subject has long awaited attention, particularly in the Muslim community.

However this is a problem that Nour-Domestic Violence (NDV) has decided to take on. NDV is a non-profit organisation that has been established to help raise awareness, and to aid the voiceless suffering from domestic violence. It has a strong Islamic ethos and uses literature based on the Qur’an and Sunnah. NDV’s main objective is to not only raise awareness of the occurrence of domestic violence, but to defeat it. NDV uses methods such as campaigning, hosting informative events and workshops to raise awareness. The organisation also aims to help victims of domestic violence by encouraging sufferers to come forward and break the silence.

Currently NDV provides access to various qualified and experienced professionals in the field such as: medical experts, counsellors and Islamic and legal advisors. In the near future, it is working towards offering a more advanced service, allowing for more intensive help for the betterment of the victims.

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Category: Domestic Violence

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Once the following points are taken into consideration, one will realise that Islaam does not promote nor initiate domestic violence. Rather, there is a disciplinary measure for women have suffer from the ill-conduct of recalcitrancy, but even that is not what we would term 'domestic violence'.

1 – The Qur’aan enjoins good treatment of one's wife; she is to be honoured and treated kindly, even when one no longer feels love in one's heart towards her. Allaah (the Beneficent) says (interpretation of the meaning), “And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good.” (an-Nisaa’ [4]:19)

2 – The Qur’aan explains that women have rights over their husbands, just as their husbands have rights over them. Allaah (the Glorious) says (interpretation of the meaning), “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.” (al-Baqarah 2:228)

This verse indicates that the man has additional rights, commensurate with his role as protector and maintainer and his responsibility of spending (on his wife) etc.

3 – The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined kind treatment and honouring of one’s wife, and he described the best of people as those who are best to their wives. He said, “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.)

4 – The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) spoke beautiful word concerning kind treatment of one’s wife, stating that when the husband feeds his wife and puts a morsel of food in her mouth, he earns the reward of doing an act of charity. He said, “You never spend anything but you will be rewarded for it, even the morsel of food that you lift to your wife’s mouth.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6352; Muslim, 1628.)

5 – And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have taken them as a trust from Allaah and intimacy with them has become permissible to you by the words of Allaah. Your right over them is that they should not allow anyone to sit on your furniture whom you dislike; if they do that then hit them but not in a harsh manner. And their right over you is that you should provide for them and clothe them on a reasonable basis.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1218.)

What is meant by “they should not allow anyone to sit on your furniture whom you dislike” is that they should not allow anyone whom you dislike to enter your houses, whether the person disliked is a man or a woman, or any of the woman’s mahrams (close relatives to whom marriage is forbidden). The prohibition includes all of them, according to the words of Imaam an-Nawawi (may Allah be pleased with him).

The Hadeeth may be understood as meaning that a man has the right to hit his wife, in a manner that is not harsh and does not cause injury if if there is a reason for that, such as her going against his permissible wishes or disobeying him in this which is right.

This is like the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning), “As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” (an-Nisaa’ [4]:34)

If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of admonishing her, forsaking her in bed and hitting her. Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri said,

This means that it should not cause pain.

‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said,

"Hitting with a Siwaak and the like." (A Siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator).

The purpose behind this is not to hurt or humiliate the woman, rather it is intended to make her realize that she has transgressed unjustifiably, and that her husband has the right to set her straight and discipline her. He does so while undertaking preliminary steps of discipline before this major step. Even when he does undertake this step, he must do so with caution and not with the intention of harming his wife, but rather for her own benefit.

Such a measure of discipline is uncalled for when it comes to the pious, Allah-fearing and upright wife. It is intended for women who have gone astray, need guidance and a push towards the right path. And even then, without pain, hurt, scars, punches and beating which is done in an animalistic fashion.

The truth is clear for those who sincerely seek the answer.

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Category: Domestic Violence

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In a marriage, both parties need to put forth effort, be committed, and be respectful for the union to be a mutually satisfying and loving one. When both partners are emotionally well balanced and the relationship dynamic is healthy, this work can make the marriage enjoyable and successful in the long term. Unfortunately, there are instances where a healthy relationship dynamic is virtually impossible to achieve because of a personality disorder. These disorders affect a person's thinking and behavior in such a way that interpersonal relationships are often very negatively affected.

A personality disorder that is commonly very destructive in relationships is narcissism, and it is more commonly diagnosed in men.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as,

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Category: Domestic Violence

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Shaykh Munajjid provides some excellent advice for a sister in such a situation:

‘…There is no true alternative except to turn to Allah. For, He is the One Who makes a way out of every difficult situation.

The following are a few points of advice:

• Your husband needs someone to advise him - look around for a suitable person to do this.

• Avoid making him angry. Again, avoid making him angry as much as you can.

• Whoever sees the problems of others will see his or her own problem in perspective. There are husbands who beat their wives on the face, injure them and break their bones.

Some kick their wives out of the house in the middle of the night and lock them out; others do not give their wives a penny, and even take their money and jewellery from them.

Some husbands eat outside the house and never bring food home for their wives and children, leaving them to beg from their neighbours.

Others drink alcohol, take drugs, and bring prostitutes to the house. Some do not recognize Allah at all; they do not even know the direction of the Qiblah.

I myself have dealt with these and other cases involving the problems suffered by wives; these examples are not made up. Perhaps looking at the problems of others and putting things into perspective will offer some consolation and make you feel better. For surely, your husband won’t have all of these bad qualities.

• Think about your husband’s positive aspects - his religion or his relationship with you or his spending, or the fact that he does not hit you on the face, and so on. Perhaps this will help to reduce your negative feelings towards him.

• Remember that what you are suffering is a test, one of the trials that Allah decrees for whomever He wills in this life, to see how people will behave. So face it with patience and the hope of earning reward. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

"How wonderful is the situation of the believer, for everything is good for him, and this applies only to the believer. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks for it, and this is good for him; if something bad befalls him, he bears it with patience, and this is also good for him." (Reported by Muslim, may Allah have mercy on him, in al-Saheeh, no. 2999).

• Think about the tragedy of divorce and what would happen to the family in this case. A wise woman may put up with something bad in order to avoid something even worse, because some evils are less than others.

• Write him a letter, reminding him of the Prophet’s advice concerning women, e.g., ". . . Be kind to women, for they are your prisoners and you have no rights over them other than that. If they are guilty of clear immoral misconduct, then avoid them in their beds, and beat them, but not severely. If they then obey you, do not seek means of annoying them, for you have rights over your wives and they have rights over you. Your rights over your wives are that they should not allow anyone you dislike in your bed, and they should not let anyone whom you dislike enter your house. Their rights over you are that you should treat them well with regard to clothing and food." (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, no. 1163; he said: this is a saheeh hasan hadith.)

• The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Many women have come to the family of Muhammad, complaining about their husbands. Those (husbands) are not the best among you.” (Reported by Abu Dawud, no. 2146). If he becomes angry and hits you hard, wait until he calms down, then provoke his pity by saying words, with great wisdom, such as "Is this how you treat the mother of your children and the one who is closest to you?" and showing him the mark left by his blow, so that he can see with his own eyes what his hand has done. Also, remind him that oppression is haraam, and that Allah is able to deal with him. Show him your tears and pain; then disappear and leave him to think things over. In most cases, if the husband has any shred of decency and real character, and religious sensitivity, he will apologize.

• Some marital problems can only be resolved with the passage of time, as the number of children increases and they grow up, and the husband grows to love them even more. This makes the wife more precious to him too, as he sees her as the one who is bringing up and protecting his children. As he also increases in maturity and in his understanding of the realities of life, he will realize the evil of what he has done and his behaviour will improve, so he will stop doing some of the things he used to do. Hoping for improvement is a good thing: people live on hope.

• Supplication (du‘aa’) is the refuge of the believer. How many times, I wonder, have you prayed to Allah to reform your husband? Persist in du‘aa’ and seek ways of making Allah respond.

I ask Allah to improve your situation and to guide you both. Aameen.

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Category: Domestic Violence

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Of women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the age of 18, three quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend.{footnote}Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998.{/footnote}

Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend per year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners per year.{footnote}Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998.{/footnote}

***

If you are a victim of domestic violence, you must take action. You must get help. You are not alone. The statistics above should make that very clear.

Here are some practical things you can do to help end the nightmare for you and your family.

1. Know what the signs of being a victim of abuse are

You are a victim of domestic violence and/or abuse if you answer yes to these questions:

1. Does your spouse regularly find fault with you or tell you are worthless?

2. Does he refuse to let you have friends unnecessarily?

3. Does he keep you from seeing your family unnecessarily?

4. Does he stop you from leaving the house without a valid reason?

5. Does he make you afraid by what he says (for instance, does he threaten you unnecessarily)?

Please note: If the abuser wants to change the way he acts, he can get counseling. With long term help some men have learned to stop being abusers, although the abuse can usually get worse over time.

2. Get medical treatment if you are hurt

If you are injured after an attack of domestic violence, get medical treatment as soon as possible. You do not have to tell anyone who caused the injury, but it is better for your treatment if you tell the doctor exactly what happened. Keeping notes or a diary of your injuries and the times you were abused may help if you decide to leave later.

3. Once you recognize the abuse, know you are not to blame

As the statistics above indicate, you are not alone and the abuse is not your fault. No wife deserves to be abused by her husband, this is not just the law of America, this is the law of Islaam. There is help if you are a victim and you must protect yourself and your kids from the violence.

4. Think about the effect on your kids

You have to think about the effect the domestic violence is having on your children because kids growing up in an abusive home accept it as a fact of life and think violence at home is normal. If the abuser is also abusing the kids, they can call child welfare services for help, advice or counseling.

5. Tell someone trustworthy about it

Telling someone else about it is a way of getting help. If you have been isolated from most family and friends, confide in someone you can trust from whom you do have contact with. Telling someone is a way of breaking out of suffering in silence. And in emergency cases, it could mean contact with someone who could one day save your life.

6. Know these words

There are certain words you need to know when the topic of domestic violence comes up with outsiders. Here are some of them:

Assault: this happens when someone uses force or the threat of force on someone else without the person's consent.

Bail hearing: this is a court proceeding that happens after a person has been arrested and charged. The court decides if the person should be released with conditions such as being told he cannot contact you or the decision to hold him in jail or on conditional release.

Criminal harassment: if your abuser is repeatedly following you or in communication with you or watching your behavior and acting in a threatening manner towards you or your children, this is committing an offence called criminal harassment and it is sometimes called stalking. In many cases men do this when women take shelter.

District attorney (in the U.S.) or Crown Attorney (in Canada): this is a lawyer who represents the government. S/he presents the case to the court when a crime has been committed.

Custody: if you have custody of your kids you are legally responsible for making major decisions about their upbringing and schooling. Custody does not necessarily mean the kids won't see their father.

Legal aid or legal help: this is legal help for women who cannot afford it. This is usually found at a legal aid office. It is free. To find out about it, contact your local lawyers' referral service by checking the yellow pages.

Order of civil/family court or a restraining order: if you are afraid for your safety and don't want to contact the police, you can get an order from a civil or family court stating that the abuser must stay away from you (this is called a restraining order). You should get legal help to find out about the civil and family court orders in your state or province.

Peace bond: if you are afraid for your safety, you can get this. It is a criminal court order with conditions (for instance, the abuser may be told he cannot see or contact you at all. If he does not follow these orders, the police may arrest him). For more information about this, ask the lawyer.

Probation: this is a criminal court order that can be part of a sentence for an offender. A person on probation will have conditions set on release such as going to counseling.

7. Questions to ask if you are an immigrant women

If you are an immigrant woman who is suffering abuse in the home, ask yourself:

a. Am I going to lose my sponsorship by leaving my spouse as a result of abuse? The answer is no.

b. Is it better for me to leave? What about the custody of children and what services are available to me?

The answer to this is to ask yourself: how dangerous is it if I stay? Is there a gun in the house? Has the abuser ever used a weapon like a knife or a stick to hurt me? Does the abuser take drugs or drink?

8. Keep the following documents with you

If it's an emergency and you have to leave the house quickly, do NOT stop to collect your things. If there is time though, get the following documents: birth certificate, passport, citizenship papers, immigration papers, child custody papers (if there are any), the abuser's social insurance number, court orders such as a peace bond, health card, social insurance card, money and credit cards, checkbook, bankbook, savings bonds, personal telephone and address book, medicine, housekeys, drivers license and car keys, children's favorite toys, clothing for a few days and valuable jewelry. If you have been thinking of leaving the home to escape violence for a while, start collecting these things.

9. Establish a protection plan

A protection plan is a plan of where you will go if you must escape from the home during an attack and what you and your children will need if you are forced to leave (see list above).You need a protection plan if you are in an abusive relationship or have recently left an abusive relationship, especially if you remain in the family home where your husband can return even in violation of any court order you have and threaten to assault you again. But even if you leave the family home, your husband may search for you and once again threaten to assault you. Should this happen you need a protection plan so you can reach to safety with your children. Keep in mind that an assault of domestic violence is usually followed by a period of calm, which is called the "honeymoon period" where the abuser feels and acts sorry for the abuse. This period is followed by a gradual buildup of tensions, leading to another attack. You need a protection plan so that when you feel another attack about to happen, you will be able to go to a safe place with your kids. Do not be misled into thinking that when a man is in the honeymoon period things are going to be okay from now on and the abuse will stop. These are the elements of a protection plan:

1. Be aware of the sort of behavior that precedes an attack. Is alcohol an element of abuse? Are there other indicators that an attack is about to happen? Usually, there are.

2. Decide on some safe place you can go with your kids. This might include the Masjid, a crisis shelter, another home, relatives, friends, hotel, or another place in which you feel safe.

3. Decide how you will get there. Keep some money and a set of extra keys with you and some with your family and/or friends, so you can leave by taxi. This way, even if you don't have money, you can quickly escape to the friend's house by taxi when you feel an attack is imminent. You might arrange with friends, neighbors or relatives that they will come and pick you up when you feel it is necessary. The police, RCMP or social workers also might help.

4. Decide how you may escape from your home when an attack is imminent. Make sure you know where the nearest public phone is and try to memorize the number of the local shelter and what to take when you leave.

10. Know these telephone numbers

The first few pages of a telephone book list numbers of police and other emergency services. Know these numbers by heart. Also, gather information such as the addresses and telephone numbers of people who can help.

11. Build your knowledge and skills

Try to do things that make you feel better like getting counseling from a qualified professional (preferably Muslim) or learning new job skills. Look for friends and family members who can help you.

12. For more information go to these places

Women's shelters, police, crown attorney's office-they all have a department dealing with this. You can also check hospitals, multicultural associations, women's centers, a local YWCA, telephone crisis lines, the Public Legal Education and Information Association (in Canada), lawyer referral services, legal aid offices, doctors or public health nurses, social workers, mosques, Islamic centers, or regional Islamic social services.

13. Find a longer term safe place

Where is the safest place you can stay for a while? It could be family, or a fellow Muslim sister who can help provide money for you and your kids. Look for those people who can be sympathetic.

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Category: Domestic Violence

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If you have a friend who is a victim of domestic violence, you're not alone. Relatives and friends are those people who victims will confide in in these situations. But don't feel helpless as your relative or friend confides in you about their abuse. There are practical things you can do to help at this time of trial and difficulty.

Here are some tips:

1. Listen

This is one of the most important things you can do. Remember that they are confiding in you while they have kept this problem a secret from others. Find a quiet place where you can talk safely and without interruption. Encourage them to talk about the abuse. In a wise manner give them the best possible Islamic advice.

2. Believe them

Do not deny the abuse is happening. Do not judge them. Show them that you support them no matter what they decide to do about their relationship, whether it is staying with or leaving the abusive partner on a temporary or permanent basis or not doing anything about it.

3. Respect them

Show your friend that you respect their ability to handle this situation and their ability to cope with it. This can help them regain their own strength and build confidence to deal with it.

4. Respect their feelings

In cases of domestic violence, victims need their feelings validated. To ignore the abuse and sweep it under the rug is wrong and will only serve to keep their feelings inside and the problem to worsen. This is dangerous and destructive.

5. Do not advise without knowledge

As difficult as it is, it is necessary to do this, especially when your friend first confides in you. The best thing to do is to help your friend reach their own decisions about what to do and when to do it. Help them identify their own options and consequences which might follow. For instance, mention that if the victim does not seek help, she is exposing her kids to abuse as well. Just spell out the options without forcing her to take a specific step.

6. Tell them they are not to blame

This is important because blame is how the abuser often justifies the abuse. Let them know that no one has the right to abuse another. Tell them what you have learned about spousal violence and cycle of violence. Remind them that in Islaam a man is not allowed to abuse his wife.

7. Discuss safety

Talk to your friend about shelters and other safe places. Discuss how to obtain their services and tell them about creating a protection plan (see tips for victims of domestic violence in the West for more details).

8. Encourage them to seek help

Persuade them not to ignore the problem and to deal with it for the sake of themselves and their family. Accompany them if they need your support to places like shelters, legal aid, etc.

If you have a religiously upright and knowledgeable Imaam you can trust to deal with this situation appropriately, encourage the victim to seek his help first, albeit with a third person involved. It is more likely your friend will feel comfortable with an Imaam and an Islamic center than in mainstream social services.

9. Do NOT speak to the partner

This is a big no-no and can the situation worse. If the abusing partner finds out that you know about the situation, he will most likely get even angrier and take it out on the abused partner more than before, as a punishment for telling others about the problem.

10. Keep in contact with them

One of the things abusers do is isolate their victims from family and friends. This makes it easier to perpetrate the domestic violence, since there is no one around to object. Keep in contact with your friend as much as possible, by phone or e-mail at least, to ensure that she has a link with the outside world and that she is not alone, suffering in silence.

11. Du'aa is connecting with the All-Powerful

Du'aa (supplication and prayer) connects you with the most Powerful one, our Creator. Please make special prayers for your friend who is going through this turmoil. Our beloved Prophet has said that your prayer for a person increases love between you and that person. May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.

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Friends are one of the first people victims of domestic violence turn to for help, no matter where they are from. Your role as a silent supporter and source of comfort cannot be underestimated in an environment where there are few resources for women who are victims of domestic violence.

Here are some practical things you can do if you have a friend suffering from domestic violence:

1. Know what it is

Knowing what is considered abuse is necessary. Abuse includes slapping, punching, kicking, cursing, insulting and humiliating. None of this behavior is acceptable, especially in a relationship which is meant to foster love and mercy, and where children are seriously affected by their parents' behavior.

2. Listen to her

This is one of the most important things you can do. Remember that your friend confiding in you while they have kept this problem a secret from others. Find a quiet place where you can talk safely and without interruption or at least contact her on the phone if getting around is difficult.

3. Believe her

It's very important to trust that your friend is telling you the truth. You must not deny that it is happening, since this denial is, in many cases, what your friend's husband, family and the community are already telling her. No one believes that she is being abused. Or if they believe her, they may think she deserves it.

4. Tell her she is not to blame

In many places, whether it is East or West, people blame a woman who is abused by her husband. They say the only reason she was beaten by her husband was because she deserved it for something she did to displease her husband. This, however, is never an excuse for abuse, in whichever part of the world you live in. While couples can and do differ, disagree and have arguments, to beat, slap, punch, etc. is unacceptable.

5. Emphasize her ability to handle this situation

Build up your friend's courage. Show her that you respect her and her ability to handle and cope with this situation. This will give her low self-esteem a needed boost, and could, in turn, give her the strength to deal with the situation.

6. Talk about consequences

Instead of advising her exactly what to do, be clear about what options exist for her and the consequences of certain actions. For instance, mention that if the victim does not seek help, she is exposing her kids to abuse as well. Just spell out the options without forcing her to take a specific step.

7. Discuss safety

If you are living in a place where there are some trustworthy women's centers or shelters, take your friend to them. If not, see if you can work out another arrangement where your friend can find a safe place to stay when things get really dangerous at home. It could be a friend of yours whom you trust and is willing to open her doors. It could be a noteworthy Islamic religious institution. Try to find alternatives.

8. Encourage authority figures to discuss the problem

Whether it's a righteous, knowledgeable Imaam, a writer, a radio personality, or some other authority figure, bring up the issue with this individual and explain how pervasive and dangerous it is, using your friend's example without giving her name. Encourage them to discuss the problem openly and to condemn it in sermons, articles, lectures, etc. This discussion will bring the issue to the public's attention and will then have to be dealt with.

9. Keep in contact with your friend regularly

Isolation means danger for the victim of domestic violence. If she is isolated, the abuse is more likely to get worse because there is no one to challenge or hear about it.

Make sure to keep in touch, ideally through personal visits, or at least phone calls.

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Domestic violence is not a phenomena restricted to a particular ethnic, cultural, religious or geographic group. It is a problem in almost all societies at varying levels, whether it is the most industrialized nations or the poorer ones. While resources which help women and men deal with domestic violence are greater in industrialized nations, individuals in Third World countries can also break out of the domestic violence cycle in other ways.

Here are some tips:

1. Know this is not Islamic

This knowledge is your most powerful ally against those who justify wife abuse.

There is no doubt that physical abuse of wives at the hands of their husbands is unacceptable Islamically. Remember that the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was married 38 years of his life and never hit his wives.

2. Find the resources available to you and evaluate your options

Which family member can you stay with? Or if not a family member, is there a friend? Or is there a women's center or shelter where you and your kids could safely escape from the domestic violence? If any of these options are available, you need to make a protection plan (see next tip).

Consider all of the options and the well-being of yourself and your children. In most cases, your family will probably be the best place to escape to for a while. The advantage of going to a family member is that they may also be able to effectively intervene and can help resolve the situation. But in other families, this may not be the case. You know your situation, so take into account all of the factors when deciding how to handle this.

3. Develop a protection plan

Make sure you have basic documents handy with you in case you have to leave due to an emergency-birth certificate, health information, citizenship papers, identity cards, etc. of you and your children

4. Remember: abuse is repetitive

Know that if a man has abused his wife once, he will do it again. Don't be fooled during the "honey moon period". This is a period where the man will be very loving towards his wife after a beating and be very sorry. After this period, however, tension will begin to build and once again, he will abuse his wife and/or children in another incident.

5. Find a sympathetic friend or family member

Sometimes the hardest thing to find is someone who will listen to your problems in a respectful and open-minded way. Look for such a person amongst family members and friends. You don't have to ask them to open your doors to you in case of an emergency right away. They just need to listen.

6. Ask a family member to intervene

Ask a trustworthy male, preferably a father, uncle or older brother to intervene and gently speak to your husband. If they refuse to listen to you, at least you have tried to solve the problem within the family before going outside.

7. Form a support group

The only people who may trust and believe what you are saying about your suffering is someone else who is going through it herself. Form an informal support group of women suffering from domestic violence. Whether this group meets at your home, someone else's home, calls each other on occasion or meets at a center, this group will at least be a place where women can share the pain and gain some sympathy if they are not ready to deal with the abuse in their homes on a more concrete level.

8. Try to get an authority figure to talk about wife abuse

Try to contact a reputable, religious, older Imaam or authority figure in the community to talk about this issue openly, whether it is in a religious sermon, a television program, a radio program, a weekly newspaper column or other mediums. By bringing the topic out in the open, the problem can begin to be addressed.

9. Lobby your government

Lobby your government, with the help of others, to provide more resources for victims of domestic violence and to put in place stricter punishments for wife abusers. Also, lobby for more education programs for families to support them through the suffering, and to educate men about how wrong it is to abuse your wife and children.

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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Over the past three years I have had a series of miscarriages...and I am currently recovering from my tenth, alhamdulillah. Why so many? Qadr Allah, mashaa fa'al. The only medical testing left to do is for chromosomal abnormalities; otherwise all the other tests show that there is nothing wrong with me, mashaa'Allah.

I think that Allah is ensuring I still qualify as a woman worth marrying, LOL, as He is proving at this middle stage of my life that I am perfectly fertile, mashaa'Allah. Of course, He is also giving us tests that we must respond to, react to, and formulate an attitude towards. We have been incredibly blessed with our two daughters and fully accept Allah's Decree.

The difficult part is becoming pregnant so frequently and then being in limbo between expecting the best from Allah and thinking positively, and noticing every twinge and cramp, dreading the sight of blood or not detecting a heartbeat. It is a far bigger mental and emotional test, than physical...even though it is physically painful.

The Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wasalam) said, upon him peace, "The miscarried child will pester its glorious and mighty Lord for His entering its two parents into the Fire until it is told, 'O miscarried child that pesters its Lord! Enter your father and mother into Paradise.' Then it will drag them with its umbilical cord until it makes them enter Paradise." (Ibn Majah and Abu Ya`la from `Ali)

And again, "By the One in Whose hand is my soul, truly the miscarried child will certainly drag its mother with its umbilical cord to Paradise, provided one expects recompense [for sabr (patience)]." (Ibn Majah and Ahmad from Mu`adh)

And he said, upon him peace: "Your little ones are the larvas (da`aamees) of Paradise. They will meet their parents and grab them by their garments or their hands to no end other than that Allah will enter them Paradise." (Sahih Muslim)

Isn't that a divine reward for your heartache?

Also, the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wasalam) said: "I swear that a miscarried child of mine I send forth before me is more beloved to me than [raising] a mounted knight that survives me." (Ibn Majah from Abu Hurayrah)

Fortitude with faith and surrender with ridaa - absolute acceptance - through losing a child, require inordinate strength of character because SABR carries huge reward and its difficulty means even more reward.

"And whoever yatasabbaru (=is racked trying to endure in patience), Allah will grant them SABR, and none was ever given a greater gift than SABR." (narrated in the Five Books).

Hence the magnificent, tremendous ayah states: {Verily the saabiroon will receive a reward without measure} (39:10).

Hence Umm al-Darda' would say:

"Those that gladly accept the Divine decree have a level in Paradise that the Shuhada' will envy them the Day of Resurrection."

May we be the envy of the Shuhada' - aameen!

"When Allah tests you it is never to destroy you. When He takes something out of your possession it is (only) in order to empty your hands for an even greater gift." (Ibn Al Qayyim)

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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The following is Sister. J Samia Mair's heart touching story as she finds motherhood in an unexpected place at the end of her battle to conceive.

Julie Samia Mair, JD, MPH is the author of two children’s books and a freelance writer. She has published fiction, nonfiction, and poetry in magazines, books, and scientific journals. Julie was born in the Philadelphia area and was raised as an atheist in a culturally Christian environment. As an adult, she investigated other religions, before converting to Islam in January 2001.

{The kingdom of the heavens and earth belongs to Allah. He creates whatever He wills. He gives daughters to whoever He wishes, or He gives sons to whoever He wishes; or He gives them both sons and daughters; And He makes whoever He wishes barren. Truly He is All-Knowing, All-Powerful.} (Quran, 42: 46-47)

***

"I don't see the heartbeat. I don't see the heartbeat!"

Neither my husband nor the emergency room doctor responded to me. My husband stared straight ahead at the monitor searching the gray and white lines for any signs of life. The doctor pressed the cold wet probe down firmer, moving it haphazardly across my abdomen. My heart sank. I thought we had a chance this time.

This would not be my first miscarriage. I had suffered several already. But this was the first time that we had actually seen a heartbeat. What an amazing sight. If I had been told that my child was going to have five heads and six arms, it would not have mattered.

It was my second in vitro fertilization procedure. None of my eggs were fertilized in the first one. We spent over a year trying to increase our chances of pregnancy by testing for ovulation and other less scientific methods — all to no avail. I braced myself for the inevitable disappointment that would interrupt the uncomfortable silence.

"I'm sorry. The fetus did not make it."

Although the doctor merely confirmed what I already knew in my heart, hearing it affected me more than I had expected. It's hard to describe now but it was more than emotional trauma. I felt actual physical pain from his words. It was as if I had been hit with a forceful blow.

I looked to my husband who was already staring at me. I could tell he was holding back his emotions. I felt so defective. I had all these specialized organs that just did not work, that were virtually useless. I could not fulfil one of my main purposes for being. I had completely failed in something I was born to do.

On an intellectual level I knew that I was not defective nor a failure as a woman. I knew that my worth transcended my ability to procreate. But shame and inadequacy hit me on a level where reason does not tread.

My husband could not have been more supportive. He was always far more worried about my welfare than his own whenever the bad news struck. He made it perfectly clear to me that he did not need a biological child. Yet, I still felt guilty. He was a young man that would not have an heir because of me.

I looked at the monitor one more time. At that moment, I knew that I would never be in this position again. Although my work would pay for one more in vitro procedure, I had had enough. No more painful shots in the belly, no more ultrasounds counting egg follicles, no more anxious phone calls to the infertility doctor learning my HCG levels, and no more emergency trips to the hospital. I had learned far more about my reproductive system than I had ever hoped to know.

My husband and I had always wanted to care for an orphan. We decided it was time to move in that direction. We investigated our options, completed mounds and mounds of paperwork, and then waited. We requested twins hoping to keep two children from the same family together. We were told that a referral of twins was very rare and not to expect it. Still, we hoped for twins as we waited and waited.

Allah (subahanahu wa taala) knew just how to help me accept that I was barren: desensitization therapy! While I was trying to keep a pregnancy or waiting for the referral, there were nearly twenty babies born to female co-workers or to the wives of male co-workers on my office floor. So many women became pregnant those years that jokes started circulating around the office that if you drink the water on the fifth floor you will get pregnant. The first six or seven invitations to baby showers were very difficult. The expectant parents' joy only reminded me of my sorrow.

I would remind myself that most of the Mothers of the Believers (radhi Allahi anhuma) were barren. I had no reason to complain. By the tenth invitation to a baby shower, though, I was blessedly desensitized. I no longer wondered why I could not have children. I no longer felt pangs of jealousy. I no longer experienced sorrow at others' joy. SubhaanAllah, Allah (subhaanahu wa taala) knows what is best for His creation.

Although I had accepted that I could not give birth, I still could not bring myself to fix up the baby's room. I thought a room full of baby things would be too painful to pass everyday in case something went wrong. I decided not to buy anything until the referral came. We continued to wait. Then the phone rang.

"Twin girls!"

When we heard the news, my husband and I blurted out simultaneously: "I have to quit my job" and "I have to make more money!" We looked at each other and laughed and cried – there is nothing as telling as unedited visceral utterances.

I remember so vividly the moment they handed us the girls—it was the happiest moment of my life. I couldn't believe that we had been entrusted with such an awesome responsibility, that we had been blessed with so much love.

The other day one of our three-year-olds came into the room where I was praying, sat down and made dhikr, saying "Subhan'Allah" a hundred times. She gave me a big hug and ran off to play. Later that day, her sister ran into my room with a big smile on her face. She had put on her pink hijab by herself. Part of it was upside down and the other part hung sideways on her little head. She announced proudly: "I'm a beautiful Muslim girl!" I smiled back: "Yes, you are my darling—a beautiful Muslim girl, both inside and out."

I try to thank Allah (subahanahu wa taala) each day for the two beautiful blessings that He has entrusted to us. I pray that we raise them to be good Muslims and that they come to Him surrendering and with a sound heart. I never thought I would be able to say this, but I am so grateful now that I was unable to conceive. If I had been able to give birth, these precious wonders would have never entered our lives. I thank Allah (subahanahu wa taala) for helping me to be patient and content with His Decree. And I remind myself often that hardships are ultimately not hardships at all with trust in Allah (subahanahu wa taala).

{We will test you with a certain amount of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and life and fruits. But give good news to the steadfast. Those who, when disaster strikes them, say, "We belong to Allah and to Him we will return." Those are the people who will have blessings and mercy from their Lord; they are the ones who are guided.} (Quran, 2: 154 -156)

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Allaah (the Mighty and Glorious) says, “I (Nooh) said (to them): ‘Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft-Forgiving. He will send rain to you in abundance, and give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.’” [Nooh 71:10-12]

Al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said,

The words, “I said (to them): ‘Ask forgiveness from your Lord’” mean: ask Him for forgiveness of your previous sins with sincerity of faith.

“Verily, He is Oft-Forgiving” means, He forgives everyone who turns to Him; this encourages us to repent.

“He will send rain to you in abundance” means, He will send a great deal of rain to you.

“And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.”

Al-Shu’bi said, ‘Umar went out to pray for rain and he did no more than pray for forgiveness until he came back, then it rained. They said: “We did not see you ask for rain.” He said,

“I sought rain with the real key by means of which rain is sought.”

Then he recited (interpretation of the meaning), “Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft-Forgiving; He will send rain to you in abundance.”

The word translated here as “key” – majaadeeh – refers to the stars which the ancient Arabs claimed brought rain. What ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) meant was to reject this false claim of the Arabs and explain that he had sought rain by the correct means, which is praying for forgiveness, not by means of the stars.

A man complained to al-Hasan about a drought, and he said to him,

“Pray to Allaah for forgiveness.”

Another man complained to him of poverty and he said to him,

“Pray to Allaah to forgive you.”

Another man said to him, “Pray to Allaah to bless me with a child.”

He said,

“Pray to Allaah for forgiveness.”

Another complained to him that his garden was dry. He said to him,

“Pray to Allaah for forgiveness.”

We asked him about that and he said,

“This is not my personal opinion, for Allaah says in Soorat Nooh (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft-Forgiving; He will send rain to you in abundance. And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.” (Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 18/301-302)

Secondly:

With regard to the wording of prayers for forgiveness, it is better to use the words narrated in the authentic Sunnah from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), which he either said himself or enjoined the Ummah to say:

(i) It was narrated from Shaddaad ibn Aws (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said,

“The best prayer for forgiveness is to say,

Allaahumma anta rabbiy laa ilaaha illa anta, khalaqtani wa ana ‘abduka wa ana ‘ala ‘ahdika wa wa’dika ma astata’tu, a’oodhu bika min sharri ma sana’tu aboo’u laka bi ni’matika ‘alayya wa aboo’u laka bi dhanbi, faghfir li fa innahu laa yaghfir ul-dhunooba illa anta

O Allaah, You are my Lord and I am Your slave, You have created me and I am faithful to my covenant and my promise (to You) as much as I am able. I seek refuge with You from the evil of that which I have done. I acknowledge before You all the blessings You have bestowed upon me and I confess to You my sin. Forgive me for there is no one who forgives sin except You.”

He said, "Whoever says this during the day believing in it with certainty and dies that day before evening comes, will be one of the people of Paradise, and whoever says it at night believing in it with certainty and dies before morning comes will be one of the people of Paradise." (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5947.)

(ii) It was narrated from Abu Moosa al-Ash’ari that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to recite the following du’aa’,

Rabb ighfir li khati’ati wa jahli wa israafi fi amri kullihi wa ma anta a’lam bihi minni, Allaahumma ighfir li khataayaaya wa ‘amdi wa jahli wa hazli wa kulla dhaalika ‘indi, Allaahumma ighfir li ma qaddamtu wa ma akhkhartu wa ma asrartu wa ma a’lantu anta al-muqaddim wa anta al-mu’akhkhir wa anta ‘ala kulli shay’in qadeer

O Allaah, forgive me my mistakes, my ignorance and my transgressing the limits of righteousness in my deeds and whatever You know better than I. O Allaah, forgive me the wrongs that I have committed deliberately or mistakenly or jokingly, for all of that is possible in me. O Allaah, forgive my past and future sins, what I have done secretly and openly, for You are the One Who brings (some people) forward and puts (others) back, and You are able to do all things). (Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6035), Muslim (2719))

(iii) It was narrated that Ibn ‘Umar said: We used to count that the Messenger of Allaah (S) said one hundred times in a gathering,

Rabb ighfir li wa tub ‘alayya innaka anta al-tawwaab ul-raheem

O Allaah forgive me and accept my repentance, for You are the Accepter of repentance, the Most Merciful. (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3434, where it says al-Tawwaab al-Ghafoor (the Accepter of repentance, the Oft-Forgiving); Abu Dawood, 1516; Ibn Maajah, 3814)

(iv) It was narrated from Abu Yasaar that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Whoever says

Astaghfir Allaah al-‘Azeem alladhi laa ilaaha illa huwa al-hayyu al-qayyoom wa atoobu ilayhi

I ask forgiveness of Allaah the Almighty, besides Whom there is no god, the Ever-Living, the Eternal, and I repent to Him

will be forgiven even if his sin is fleeing from the battlefield [a major sin]." (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3577; Abu Dawood, 1517)

(v) It was narrated from Abu Bakr as-Siddeeq (may Allaah be pleased with him) said that he said to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him),

“Teach me a du’aa’ which I may recite in my prayer.” He said, “Say:

Allaahumma inni zalamtu nafsi zulman katheeran wa laa yaghfir ul-dhunooba illa anta faghfir li maghfiratan min ‘indaka warhamni innaka anta al-ghafoor al-raheem

O Allaah, I have wronged myself greatly and no one forgives sins but You, so grant me forgiveness from You and have mercy on me, for You are the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 799; Muslim, 2705)

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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The Qur'aan is true guidance for all mankind, complete and not lacking anything. It touches on every aspect of life, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that infertility is included within its vast array of subjects. The Qur'aaan teaches in many ways, showing us a glimpse of the lives of others before us.

There are two stories of infertility in Qur'aan which we should draw lessons and learn from. The first story is that of Ibrahim ('alyhissalaam) and his wife Sara (rahimaha Allah). The two main accounts of this story are given as follows.

{And his wife was standing (there) and she laughed: But we gave her glad tidings of Isaac and after him, of Jacob. She said "Alas for me! Shall I bear a child, seeing I am an old woman, and my husband here, is an old man? That indeed would be a wonderful thing!" They said: "Dost thou wonder at Allah's decree? The grace of Allah and His blessings on you, O ye people of the house! For He is indeed worthy of all praise, full of Glory!"} (Qur'aan, [11]:71-73)

{...And they (angels) gave him  (Ibrahim) glad tidings of a son endowed with knowledge. But his wife came forward clamoring; she smote her forehead and said: "A barren old woman!" They said "Even so has thy Lord spoken and He is full of wisdom and knowledge."} (Qur'aan, [51]:28-30)

Not much detail is given in the Qur'aan concerning the lives of Sara or Hagar. But we find some details in the ahaadeeth (Prophetic Narrations). What we do know from the Qur'aan was that Sara was old and barren when Allah blessed her with a child. Commentators place her age at about ninety and Ibraaheem (peace be upon him) was over a 100 yrs old. It was several years before this that Sara gave her hand maiden, Hagar, to Ibraaheem in marriage so that he may have children.

Many women going through infertility can relate to the sense of guilt for "denying" their husbands children. This is a common feeling that is present, as we see with Sarah. We see in their story that polygyny is an option for a couple who cannot have children due to the illness of the wife.

According to Tafseer, from this rose a jealousy in Sara in which she threatened to do harm to Hagar. Nothing came of this threat and evidently the waters were calmed in Ibraaheem's household. The family continued to remain together until Ibraaheem was commanded by His Lord to take Hagar and Ismaa'eeel to the valley of Mecca and leave them there.

We have reference in the Qur'aan of Sara striking her face and laughing in the astonishment of being blessed with a pregnancy at 90 yrs of age. It appears Sarah, naturally, had long since given up hopes of conceiving. She had given Hagar to Ibraaheem as a way not to deny him and by way of accepting the Qadar (fate) that Allah (the Mighty) had set for her.

Here we can take a lesson from Sara, at some point we must learn to just accept what has been written for us and go on. All too often couples become obsessed with having a child to where it is harmful for themselves. We as Muslims must learn to seek a healthy balance in striving for pregnancy. We must learn at what point to stop medical procedures and accept what Allah has maybe planned for us. A woman's (or man's) life does not end because they have no children. Sarah, although barren, remained firm in her faith, true to her husband, and a full woman in every sense of the word.

Sarah was ultimately blessed with a child, Ishaaq ('alyhissalaam). Angels came to her as they were on their way to the people of Lot and informed her. Not only was she told of a son but she was also informed that she would live to see her grandchildren. Considering her age it could have been the total shock that lead her to smite her face. I'm sure after so many years of giving up on having children a slap on the face is what she needed to reassure herself that she wasn't dreaming.

It is important at this point to take notice of the example set by Ibraaheem in relation to his barren wife. He was never harsh to his wife in words or deeds even though she was unable to conceive. Nor did he abandon her; he chose to stand by his wife as she stood by him. He did not seek out another wife or "right hand possession" to have children; it was Sara who suggested Hagar to him. This bond of marriage, faith, love, and tenderness kept this couple together even in infertile times. Working together in cooperation is something we all should take notice of. And men, or cultures for that matter, who blame women for not conceiving and down them as if they were no longer a complete woman should take heed in this example set by Ibraaheem. Allah ('azza wa jall) describes Ibraaheem ('alyhissalaam) as a model, {Ibrahim was indeed a model...} (Qur'aan, [16]:120)

Another Qur'anic example of infertility is that of Zakariyya ('alyhissalaam) and his wife Ishba ('alyhassalaam). The Qur'anic story focuses more on Zakariya than Ishba herself. In fact very little is said about her in the Qur'an, hadith, and exegesis.

{There did Zakariya pray to his Lord, saying: "O my Lord! Grant unto me from Thee a progeny that is pure: for Thou art He that heareth prayer!” While he was standing in prayer in the chamber, the angels called unto him: "Allah doth give thee glad tidings of Yahya, witnessing the truth of a Word from Allah, and (be besides) noble, chaste, and a Prophet, - of the (goodly) company of the righteous." He said: "O my Lord! How shall I have son, seeing I am very old, and my wife is barren?" "Thus," was the answer, "Doth Allah accomplish what He willeth."} (Qur'aan,[3]:38-40.)

{This is) a recital of the Mercy of thy Lord to His servant Zakariya. Behold! He cried to his Lord in secret, Praying: "O my Lord! infirm indeed are my bones, and the hair of my head doth glisten with grey: but never am I unblessed, O my Lord, in my prayer to Thee!”} (Qur'aan, [19]:2-4)

{And (remember) Zakariya, when he cried to his Lord: "O my Lord! leave me not without offspring, though thou art the best of inheritors." So We listened to him: and We granted him Yahya: We cured his wife's (Barrenness) for him. These (three) were ever quick in emulation in good works; they used to call on Us with love and reverence, and humble themselves before Us.} (Qur'aan, [21]:89-90)

Mary (alyhassalaam) was placed in the care of Zakariyya (alyhissalaam) and her aunt Ishba ('alyhassalaam). Ishba was barren, so the caring of a child was a blessing in her family. Zakariyya ('alyhissalaam) at times marveled at how well Mary had grown and it instilled the urge in him to have a son. One who would not only inherit the family lineage, but one who would carry on the teachings of Allah, something which he did himself. Perhaps Mary ('alyhassalaam) fulfilled the natural urge in Zakariyya to have children for a limited time, but when she had matured and no longer a child, the desire seems to have rekindled. Whatever the exact emotions that Zakariyya ('alyhissalaam) had, it brought him to a point where he prayed in secret to have a son.

Zakariya ('alyhissalaam) beseeched Allah for this blessing, perhaps not expecting the answer, he appears surprised with it. It was not so much the answer of "yes" but rather the means in which the child would come to him. His old barren wife, cured by Allah, was to conceive. Zakariyya responded in natural amazement that his wife would conceive. He was told by Allah that such a thing was easy for Allah... and it is. His son would be given the name Yahya ('alyhissalaam); a name not given to anyone before him. Yahya ('alyhissalaam) was to carry on Zakariyya's ('alyhissalaam) work.

We also learn that Ishba and Mary were pregnant around the same time and that Yahya's ('alyhissalaam) work with 'Eesaa ('alyhissalaam) was something planned by Allah and something surrounded by many miraculous events.

As with the story of Ibrahim ('alyhissalaam) we have the example of a husband who remains with his barren wife. She is not shunned, shammed, divorced, or looked down upon as an incomplete woman as many men and cultures do to women. This is a lesson that all of our Ummah must learn, as Allah says, {...He leaves barren whom He wills.} (Qur'aan, [42]:50) It is a decree from Allah. This does not make one less of a woman (or man) and one should not be treated as such. We are to remain firm in our faith in Allah, knowing that He brings about things that we may not like and things we are tested with. And by stigmatizing couples who do not have children we are infact failing our test.

I know many women must be thinking that these two stories have such happy endings (babies) and yet it does not happen with all of us. Why does not Allah bestow on all of us pregnancies… Why must "I" be barren... Why me? As I sit here and write this my mind searches for an example of a woman with no children, suddenly I remembered one so full of faith, and one mentioned in the Qur'aan as an example for all those who believe.

{And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe the wife of Pharaoh: Behold she said: "O my Lord! Build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden, and save me from Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from those that do wrong."} (Qur'aan, [66]:11)

Her name was 'Aasiyah ('alyhassalaam), and she never conceived a child. It is said that her marriage was one of sacrifice that she made for the safety of her people. Her marriage was never consummated, for Allah had stricken Pharaoh with impotence. Whatever the case may have been, here was a childless woman, who is set forth as an example for all believers. She nurtured a Prophet from infancy even though he was not her own, and she was to be a martyr.

It is said that Pharoah had killed several believers in the palace, among them a maid, her children and her husband. 'Aasiyah ('alyhassalaam) picked up an iron stake to kill Pharaoh, she failed, and Pharaoh had her tortured by piercing iron stakes through her breast. The same childless woman sought Allah to build mansions in the Garden, and to save her from those that do wrong. Do we dare to say that such an example as stated by Allah is incomplete or less of a woman because she bore no children? Do we not take heed to the examples given to us?

So, my dear sister, anytime one attempts to make you feel low, or less of a woman think of these examples, draw guidance and strength from them. Rely on Allah, and seek Him to give you strength.

May Allah give us all that is good for us, make it easy for us to obtain it and keep us on the straight path. (Aameen – May it be so.)

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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It is difficult for those who are fertile to truly understand the impact that their words and actions have on infertile couples. Generally couples tend to take it for granted that they can produce a child easily and their comments to infertile couples reflects such thinking. There may not be any ill intent on the part of a fertile person when things are said to a woman or man treating infertility, but in many cases their words and actions cause large wounds.

Some sisters have been kind enough to share with me the most hurtful things their own sisters in Islaam have said to them, and sometimes their own families. It is my hope that fertile couples learn to think twice, three times if needed, before they say what appears to them as a non-hurtful comment.

I asked some sisters to list the five most annoying things said to them by fertile couples. And if they could say something to couples what would it be that they would like them to know. I will add my comments in hope that fertile couples understand how such seemingly innocent comments can be so very hurtful.

Sister A

1) "If you don't have kids, you don't know what it's like/ don't understand/ don't know what you're talking about." Or,

"What do you know, you don't even have any children!"

2) "You’re better off without kids."

3) "It’s obvious you don't have any children."

4) "You’re so lucky you don't have kids."

5) "Just think of all the things you can do without kids."

6) "When you have kids, you'll know what it's like."

It is important for fertile women to understand that just because a sister is infertile it does not disclude her in knowing how to raise children. To brush her off simply because she doesn't have children is very demeaning, especially when one takes the time to consider her plight of infertility to begin with. Her desire is to have children, but due to the will of Allah she has to work harder to achieve pregnancy. I'm sure many mothers fantasize of having time alone to do things without their children, for a woman struggling to have them this is not a plus in the situation. She has more time yes, and this more time is generally consumed with doctors appointments, charting her temperature, cervical mucus, and cervical changes daily, taking drugs, sometimes she'll have to inject them herself, and dealing with family pressures to have children.

This is not a fun free time for the infertile and couples should keep this in mind when they make such comments. 

Sister B

"The worst response I have ever had was when we were asked,

‘When are you going to have children?’

I commented, ‘We are trying hard...’

The response was...

‘It is not that difficult you know...’”

Or...

“We are still waiting for those two to produce something..."

Procreation is one thing that many fertile couples take for granted, they don't think of all that has to be put into it in order to produce children. It truly is not an easy task if you consider what has to occur in order to produce a fertilized egg, and bringing a child to term is a whole other issue, that is hardly easy. For infertile couples it is at least 100 times harder to produce children. As for women who undergo IVF treatments, then we are talking about a task that many couples are not emotionally or spiritually able to go through. So the next time you refer to procreation as an "easy" task, take a few moments and recall the difficult tasks that women undergo in order to even just determine an infertility problem. 

Sister C

1) "What are you waiting for?"

2) "Since your husband likes children, he should marry another one!!"

3) "Try Harder."

4) "Afraid you will lose your figure?"

5) "Family problem hugh?"

6) "Did you conceive this month? or Are you pregnant?"

“Friends should understand that no woman dislikes children and everyone would love to have at least one of their own. It's very difficult and emotionally depressing when one goes through infertility problems. When, I hear my friends talking about their children, it's nice to hear and you wish them well, but when you are alone, you badly think of having one for yourselves."

I find it utterly amazing that any sister would suggest that a brother take on a second wife because a woman cannot produce children. Although this is an option for infertile couples, the self blame that women go through when dealing with infertility is enough without adding social pressures that she is in some way denying her husband. Taking on an additional wife is not the business of the community, nor is it a decision of any other sister. I would suggest that before one says such a thing, that one take a moment to entertain the idea that the husband is not looking to take on another wife. That he is supportive of his wife, is loving and caring and accepts that if it is the Will of Allah through treatment to bring a child into their life than so be it, and if not he wouldn't trade his wife in for any other woman even if another woman could produce a small tribe.

I personally recall several comments that have really taken my breath away. One was a discussion with a sister, who had several children of her own; she asked,

"Do you really think that infertility is a disease?”

The reason why she asked such a question was because of the aHaadeeth (narrations) which mention that for every illness there is a cure. Yes, infertility is a disease and yes, in most cases there is a cure known, but with all diseases we may not know all cures. Also, with all diseases the treatments may not necessarily be successful.

Another attitude is that if a woman has children, or if she has had children with successful infertility treatments that she is not "infertile" and associating herself in such a light is wrong. Infertility is defined as not being able to achieve pregnancy with unprotected sexual relations within a year. Having a child does not make one fertile; this is what is known as secondary infertility. Women who have had children with no medical intervention in the past, but are unable to do so again. Even with women who have had successful treatments and had children this does not make them fertile. These same women in most cases will have the same diseases, and will have to undergo the same treatments to have children in the future.

There is also an overall attitude in our Ummah that one should also seek a "natural" treatment for infertility. This assumes that dua'a (supplication), Qur'anic healing and other "Islamic" treatments are not being used. However, as most of us know, we are to tie our camels. So yes, while seeking treatments we should do so Islamically, this includes our total reliance upon Allaah and seeking His blessings, but it also means that we can and should peruse the means which Allah has blessed us with knowing in ways of science. "For every disease there is a cure" (Saheeh Muslim) the cure comes in many forms, it may simply be a du'aa (supplication) or two, it may be reciting and believing in the words of Allah, or it may be herbal treatments, or it may be surgery, prescription medication, IVF and a slew of other treatments in which Allah alone has provided the cure.

I do hope that before fertile Muslims make comments to infertile Muslims that we all stop and think. We take a moment and reflect how this may affect the one we are saying such things to. How one may react to your comments, suggestions and actions will be dependent on the one who you are saying it to. If you are unaware of how that person may react it may give you a hint that you simply don't know that person well enough to make any comments what so ever, so possibly refraining from saying anything is your best choice.

So what do you do? Ask the person if there is anything that you can do, let them know that even though you can't imagine their plight that you will be there to help in anyway that you can. Be open to the suggestion that what you say is hurtful by letting them know you are unaware of what to correctly say or do, so if you do anything that is wrong or say anything that is hurtful to them it is truly unintentional and you prefer the sister or brother corrects you so you can be of more support to them.

Equally important in this issue, is that our Ummah needs to understand that women are not souly defined by their wombs. No one can deny that our wombs do play a role in our lives, but we are those who submit to Allaah first and foremost. We are created to worship Allah, and created as Khalifah (vice-regent), for this earth everything else is secondary. One's inability or ability to produce children has no true affect on our status as Muslims, as true submitters to our Creator. Perhaps if we remember that our spouses and children are fitnah (trial) for us, then we can begin to understand that our identities as Muslims are not defined by them.

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Adoption is one of the most common options for infertile couples. Many are too quick to say that adoption is Haraam (prohibited), which is true, without clarifying the great reward in looking after orphans. In fact the reality is that Allah (the Omnipotent) on many occasions calls for Muslims to take care of orphans,

{It is not piety that you turn your faces towards the east or west; but piety is the one who believes in Allah, the last day, the angels, the book, the Prophets, and gives his wealth, in spite of love for it, to the kinsfolk, to the orphans, and to the poor who beg, and to the wayfarer, and to those who ask...} (2:177)

{They ask you what they should spend. Say: whatever you spend of good must be for parents and kindred and orphans and the poor who beg and the wayfarers, and whatever you do of good deeds, truly Allah knows it well.} (2:215)

{Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, the poor who beg, the neighbor who is near of the kin, the neighbor who is a stranger, the companion by your side, the wayfarer, and those whom your right hand possess. Verily Allah does not like such as are proud and boastful.} (4:36)

The Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam), himself was an orphan,{And did He (Allah) not find you (Muhammad) an orphan and gave you a refuge? And he found you unaware and guided you? And He found you poor and made you rich? Therefore treat not the orphan with oppression.} (94:6-9)

What Islaam does in the case of adoption, as well as in other things, is regulate the practice and correct what is wrong. In adoption before the restrictions were made it was much like the system of adoption that is known to most of us now, where a child assumes the identity of an actual biological child of the adopters and assumes all rights as a child proceeding from the couple naturally. The children’s name would be changed to the family name of the adopters; inheritance would result as in the case of a natural child and the natural parents and family of the adopted would be cut off from the child. Barriers of marriage would be assumed and non-related people would walk around in a relaxed way as if they are related.

This was the case of Zayd (radhi Allahu 'anhu), the adopted son of Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). Zayd (radhi Allahu 'anhu) was captured as a child during a raid, which was a norm before Islaam. Khadijah's (radhi Allahu 'anha) nephew had brought him to her, and after she married Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) she gave Zayd to him. At some point Zayd's actual family found out where Zayd was and went to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) to demand Zayd’s return (please keep in mind all this took place before Messengership and hence, before the regulations were ordained.) Zayd was given a choice and Zayd chose to stay with Muhammad (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam). It was after this that Zayd was adopted and became known as Zayd ibn (the son of) Muhammad.

Zayd was one of the first to accept Islaam. Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) arranged a marriage between Zayd and Zaynab bint Jash, the Prophet's cousin. This marriage was not a happy one, because Zaynab treated Zayd as if he was still a slave. Zayd came to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) on several occasions voicing his unhappiness, but Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) advised him to stay in the marriage.

Then Allah (the Mighty) decreed the following, {...Nor has He made your adopted sons your (real) sons; that is simply a saying of your mouths. But Allah speaks the truth and guides you to the (right way). Call them by their fathers names, that is more just in the sight of Allah. But if you do not know their fathers, they are your brothers in faith and your ward...} (33:4-5)

It was after this revelation that Zayd was no longer known as Zayd ibn Muhammad. But was given the proper name: Zayd ibn Haarithah.

Let us ponder over the Qur'anic words, "He has not made your adopted sons your (real) sons: that is simply a saying of your mouths." This signifies that the declaration of the adoption consists of words having no corresponding objective reality. A mere pronouncement does not change realities, alter facts, or make a stranger a relative, or an adopted individual a son. A mere verbal expression or figure of speech cannot make the blood of a man runs in the veins for the adopted son, produce feelings of fatherly affection in the man's heart or filial emotions in the heart of the boy, or transfer either the genetic characteristics or physical, mental, or psychological traits.

Then came a huge step that would not only shatter the taboos of the jaahaliyyah (times of ignorance) but also the taboos of today. Allah ('azza wa jall) decreed, {And when thou didst say to him who had received the favor of Allah and they favor. Retain thy wife and fear Allah thou didst hid within thy self what Allah was made about to manifest; thou didst fear the people, but it is more fitting that thou shouldst fear Allah. Then when Zayd had dissolved (his marriage) with her, with the necessary (formality). We joined her in marriage to thee in order that (in future) there may be no difficulty to the believers in marriage with the wives of their adopted sons, when the latter have dissolved with the necessary (formality) with them. And Allah's command must be fulfilled.} (33:37)

After this revelation, the marriage between Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) and Zaynab was completed. The lead of the Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) was once again established in the abolishment of old practices. Enemies of Islaam have in the past and presently harped on this issue of the Prophet's (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) life, because they still remain practicing the ways of Jaahilliyyah. It is hard for many to comprehend how such a marriage can take place, even when the wrongly establish boundaries do not exist. Although a marriage between a father and his son's ex-wife is forbidden in Islaam, adopted sons are not true sons. They do not hold the same blood line as true biological children. Once people begin to understand this fact, it will be easier for them to comprehend the allowance of a marriage between an ex-wife of one's adopted son.

In Islaam inheritance has been strictly laid out, so as to avoid family arguments and battles over money and properties of the deceased. Unfortunately the greed of people causes disruption in such matters. By promoting peace and strong ties within the family Islaam has settled the dispute forever. Allah says, {Allah directs you as regards your children's (inheritance) to the male, a portion equal to that of two females: if only daughters, two or more, their share is two thirds of the inheritance; if only one her share is half.} (4:11)

Our intent here is not to get into the reasons of why one gender's inheritance is more then another’s, but rather the specifications of inheritance. As we have seen already the Qur'aan is clear that those whom you adopt are not your true children, this is something that your mouth says. So in regards to inheritance, an adopted child will not inherit the amounts of one's natural children. This will automatically cut out any jealousy on behalf of any of those involved. What can be done, however, is that 1/3 of one's assets can be divided as one chooses, so an adopted child could have this portion of inheritance, but no more can be given because it would upset the balance of what is to be divided and how.

One would start to wonder exactly how an adopted child would live in the household. Seeing that it is not one's child, natural limitations are imposed, such as covering. It is an established practice of Muslim women to cover, per Qur'anic order. Women are to cover in front of everyone except for the following, {...their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husband's sons, their brothers or their brother's sons, or their sisters sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands posses, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex...} (24:31)

As soon as a child attains maturity, female children are to cover their bodies in such a way as prescribed in Qur'an in front of everyone except for the exceptions given. So if a couple brings an orphan in to their homes, say a male child, as soon as this male child reaches maturity every mature woman in the house would have to cover in front of him. For he is not Mahram (someone with whom marriage is forbidden, or is in a marriage with) and is to be treated as such. No female in the household is to be alone with him, and this includes the woman who is raising him. It makes for a very awkward situation to say the least. Unless a family is set up with a home which can seclude one section of the house from another, it may pose as a problem for many to say the least.

While discussing adoption with Muslims the usual comment arises,

"This is the nineties, we don't have to cover nor do we have to be so strict when raising orphans."

I am not about to debate the ordinance of proper covering at this point, inshaa’ Allah (if Allah wills) another time and place. But Islamic standards do not change with time. Allah has simply put it, "It is (Qur'an) nothing but a reminder for all mankind." (12:103) Muslims, as submitters to Allah, are to follow the laws and guidelines established in Qur'an and through His Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) in the "90's" as they were to be followed over 1400 years ago when first given.

The question would now become is there a way around any of the formalities? The answer is Yes. Allah (the MIghty) has given allowances to make the caring of orphans a bit easier. Through the means of suckling a child by the woman care-giver a mahram relationship is formed between her, her immediate family i.e. mother, father, brother, sisters, daughters, and sons whatever the case may be. This is based on the Quran and Sunnah (way) of the Prophet (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam), {...(prohibited in marriage are)...foster-mothers (who gave you suck), foster sisters; ...} (4:23)

Narrated 'Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), 'Once the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) came to me while a man was in my house. He said, "O 'Aisha! Who is this (man)?" I replied, "My foster brothers." He said, "O 'Aisha! Be sure about your foster brothers, as fostership is only valid if it takes place in the suckling period (before two years of age)." (Saheeh al-Bukhaari)

Narrated Aisha: 'Prohibited to you (for marriage) are: ...your foster-mothers (who suckled you).' (4.23) Marriage is prohibited between persons having a foster suckling relationship corresponding to a blood relationship which renders marriage unlawful. (Saheeh al-Bukhaari)

Narrated 'Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), that while Allah's Apostle was with her, she heard a voice of a man asking permission to enter the house of Hafsah (may Allah be pleased with her). 'Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) added: I said, "O Allah's Apostle! This man is asking permission to enter your house." The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "I think he is so-and-so," naming the foster-uncle of Hafsah. 'Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) said, "If so-and-so," naming her foster uncle, "were living, could he enter upon me?" The Prophet (peace be upon) said, "Yes, for foster suckling relations make all those things unlawful which are unlawful through corresponding birth (blood) relations." (Saheeh al-Bukhaari)

For infertile couples one would automatically assume that because the woman is unable to get pregnant then she is unable to produce milk for suckling. This is untrue; the breasts of a woman can be stimulated to make milk. How amazing Allah (the Glorious) has created a woman’s body that basically on demand she can produce milk, with a bit of help of course. 

The act of suckling a child under the age of two will set up a mahram relationship making marriage prohibited, and also make for a comfortable atmosphere within the home. Then a woman can Islamically uncover in front of her suckled adopted child.

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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When I learnt that I had fertility problems I was devastated. Now, I have learnt several things that have helped me to deal with this problem. Inshaa’ Allah (Allah willing), by sharing some of the things that have helped me, you too will find something that will work for you in coping with this fact of life.

Education

One of the most important things that I have found that worked for me is learning about my condition, as well as my options. This started with reading a lot and visiting the library often. There are many books on infertility in general as well as one that maybe more in line with your condition. Search the web, it is a great source of information that will make you better informed to your treatment options, your condition, as well as what to expect.

Networking

Even if it may seem that the last thing you want to do is talk to other people about your problems. It helps to communicate with other women who may be going through the same issues as you are. While the Muslim community in general lacks any formal groups, we can take it upon ourselves to find other Muslim women that are in the same situation as we are in. We can also find non-Muslim women who are dealing with fertility issues like we are, while many times the "spiritual" communication is not there, networking with non-Muslim women can lead you to information that you didn't know of. The best doctors, where to get your subscription filled cheaper, more group sessions, books to buy that will be of help and many other positive aspects of such networking, not to mention the opportunity for Da’wah (calling people to Islaam)!

Talk to Your Spouse

While this may appear as being "common-sense" sometimes it is not easy to open up to your spouse and tell them how you are really feeling. We may have the tendency to keep everything inside, and want to deal with the problem on our own...perhaps not wanting to burden your spouse. However this can be very harmful for our health and our relationships in the long run. Infertility has many emotional side effects, we go through bouts of depression, feeling of helplessness, blaming ourselves etc, etc. Opening up to our partners will help us realize that we are not in it alone, and that he maybe feeling the same things that we are.

As Allah (the Mighty) says, "garments for each other" this means we are to find protection, comfort, warmth, and security with each other. We must keep this in mind while we do battle with infertility.

Don't Blame Yourself

While this may appear easier said than done, it is a very important issue. Self blame is not uncommon, and something that most couples facing infertility go through. We must come to terms that this is all Qadr (the decree) of Allaah, and while we may not understand the reasons behind it all, this is a test, and after hardships comes ease. Although not everyone will be blessed with children, we as Muslims must learn to come to terms with what Allah has decreed for us -vs.- what we want for ourselves.

Learning to Say No to Baby Related Events

We may feel obligated to go to our friends baby shower, or walk down the baby isle of a store, to goo and ahh over the little newborn clothes. This may not be the best things for us to do at this time. We have to learn that saying no to social events is not always wrong, depending on how you feel. If you notice that you have hard feelings when going to a baby shower then do not go. If you notice going towards a section of a store brings you to tears and bouts of sadness in the baby section, stay clear of that part of the store or ask your spouse to get what you need.

It is important to consistently ask for strength from Allah (the Mighty and Glorious) in order to face these times. We must learn that there are times when we are not strong enough and in order to protect ourselves during this time, it is o.k. to avoid such places.

Redirecting Frustrations

We are human and there will be days that we want to totally vent all of our feelings. This is not a bad thing; however, we should be careful of how we release these frustrations. While some of us may be talkers, easy to get it all out, some of us tend to be more physical. Perhaps a good work out will help, hitting the pillow a few dozen times, or using things such as a darn-it doll. Whatever works for you, do it, as long as it does not hurt others and isn't harmful to your own soul.

Prayer

AND LOTS OF IT!! This is the most important point. As believers we must learn to rely on Allah to support us, guide us, and help us through the hard times. Make Wudhoo’ and pray two units of prayer, glorify Allah (the All-Hearing) through these hard times. Submit yourself to him through these tests and pray that Allah (ta'aalaa) gives you what is best for you.

And remember my dear Sister, nothing happens but by Allah's (the All-Mighty) will.

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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I have been going through fertility treatments for the past 5 years and have been married for 8 years now. Maashaa' Allah, I have a 6 1/2 year old son. I became pregnant in 1993 with him with no treatments. Me and my husband wanted to have another child, so we used no contraceptives after my first pregnancy. I was given many tries with clomid, but it failed. In 1997, I went to my Ob/Gyne to seek help for my problem. She put me on clomid again. I took it for two month and wallah (By Allah), I was pregnant. But, I miscarried at 4 months; just imagine, how devastated I was. Usually, if you make it through the first trimester, you make it all the way.

She told me to rest and let my body get back to normal and then try again. So in 1998, I tried clomid and was pregnant that same month. But again, I miscarried at 3 months. Then, my treatment took a wild turn. I took clomid for 9 months in a row, but to no avail did it work on me! I knew something was definitely wrong. I had ultrasounds, blood-work and even a semen analysis for my husband. Everything came back normal.

The only thing my doctor can think of was that since my sugars run high in my pregnancies (gestational diabetic), that it would be the cause of my miscarriages. Between 1997 and 1998, I had lost 25 lbs. I think it was because the diet I was following during my pregnancies. In 1999 I gained it all back.

I had read a magazine article on PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). The symptoms it described related me. Finally, I went to a fertility specialist (reproductive endocrinologist). Listening to me, she told me I have PCOS. She told me not to worry, that I can still get pregnant using stronger medications than clomid. She made me do an HSG, which is an x-ray where they put dye to see if there is any blockage. I had to go do a minor surgery; it showed that I had some extra tissue that was in my uterus probably from my last D/C. After that, I was put on injectibles. With PCOS patients, they have to be real careful. My ovaries got hyper-stimulated, the pain was really severe. She did not want me to through that again so she opted for me to go with IVF.

There are other options like injectibles again or even medications that help PCOS patients. But with medications, I would have to take those for at least six months. This medication is used in patients with Diabetes Type II. In non-diabetic patients with PCOS, it does not lower the sugar. This medication can regulate menstruation, decrease hair loss, diminish facial and body hair growth, weight loss and normal fertility. These are all signs of PCOS. I may even ovulate on my own and can use clomid, if needed. This medicine helps the insulin in the body, since the pancreas produces it so much in some patients with PCOS.

I have waited a long time, but I figured what’s a few more months. This is my story and Inshaa' Allah I will update you as soon as I get any news. This story is for sisters who may share what i went through, it is not intended for anyone to diagnose themselves with what I have. Sisters, please go and see your fertility specialist for your diagnoses. Good Luck.

Update

I'm replying back to you with some new updates on my treatment. As you probably read my history with infertility in the past article, the last you read was that I was going to take some medications that help patients with PCOS. Well that did not go well. I stopped taking them and went back to my Fertility doctor. She said IVF would be my only option now. My husband and I discussed it alot since he was against it at first. But research, especially on the internet, helped us decide that it was the right thing to do.

Now I will be explaining in full detail and day by day how the treatment was done. So it will be easy to understand for those that want to know what goes on and how during the procedures.

In the middle of Dec. 2000 they put me on Lupron which is a self injectable medication used in very low amounts to shut down your ovaries. Around the fifth day of my cycle she started fertility medications which is also self injectable. I took the shots daily for 11 days, adjusting the dose as my doctor told me to after blood test results came to see how my estogen level was going (it should be going high). But it didn't, she told me to stop this cycle and wait for my next cycle, but continue taking the lupron.

The first day of the next cycle was Feb 3, 2001. Four days later she again started fert. meds, but this time with a really high dose than before. With blood tests and ultrasounds regarding my ovaries were done every other day; she kept me on the high dose of fert. meds and lupron for 8 days. I was told to take the HSG shot which is a med to the eggs ripen for retrieval from the ovaries on Feb 14. On Feb. 16, I was brought in for egg retrieval and also my husband for his speciman. The next morning I was in alot of pain and had to go to ER because my ovaries get hyperstimulated after the HCG shot. They were the size of baseballs instead of almond size.

Masha Allah they retrieved 25 eggs. My doctor called me on Sun Feb 18 and told me that 23 of them fertilized. They would freeze the other embryos except two. She had decided that I was young and that 2 is a good amount to start with at this time. On Feb 21 I went in for the embryo transfer. It was simple procedure, no anesthesia is needed unlike the egg retrieval process. I was sent home after an hour and was told to take it easy and take a pregnancy test on Mar 5.

It was Positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went for an ultrasound on Mar. 13 and guess what? I have twins!!!!!!!!!!

They kept monitoring me with ultrasounds and blood tests and was told to go to OB/GYN immediately.

On a sad note, I lost one twin at about 8 weeks. They say most likely it could be chromosomal abnormality.

I am still pregnant with other one and it seems to be doing well. I am 11 weeks sisters. Please pray for me, as I will for You!!!

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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I married when I was young and had a child right away. The marriage was very bad and we were divorced when my son was two years old. I had been having problems with cysts and bleeding and because of the abusive marriage I asked the doctor to tie my tubes so I would not have any more children. The doctor didn’t want to because I was only 20 years old, but ultimately I prevailed and he did it.

I didn’t know that I would meet a wonderful Muslim man 14 years later and want to have his child. He knew when we began to be serious about marriage that I could not have children. He was wonderful and told me he wasn’t seeing me for my ability to have children. He had been through a marriage that didn’t work out and we were both looking for a life partner. After we had been married for about a year, I spoke to my doctor about "untying" the tubes. I had the surgery, but he could only repair one tube and so much time had passed since the original surgery, that the tube itself had atrophied and where the tube meets with the ovary, the tube was nearly closed. The doctor surgically sliced it open (kind of like peeling a banana) so that, if the egg could get to the tube, then I may be able to get pregnant. We tried clomid for a year. Every month was heartbreaking when I started my period. 

We decided to try in vitro fertilization. The hormones put me on an emotional roller coaster, but we were able to harvest eleven eggs. When the time came to implant the eggs, only seven had divided and four had failed to thrive. The doctors decided to use all of them in order to increase my chances for a successful pregnancy. I was so excited. Then the day before my appointment for my first pregnancy test, I started bleeding. I had miscarried. It was heartbreaking. We decided not to try again. 

We had thought about adopting a child, but then my husband’s sister and her three children came to live with us. It was a blessing. Now we have three beautiful children we have been helping to raise for the last five years. Sometimes we wonder if they know who their parents really are! My husband and I would still love for us to have a child and we haven’t stopped trying. He tells me that he would never do anything to endanger our relationship and that I am more important to him that having a child. If he had to go outside of our marriage to have a child, he would not. I know he has thought a lot about it and I have offered to leave him so that he may have an opportunity to have a child with another woman. He has assured me many times, that having a child is not as important as having me. 

I am an American and my husband is an Arab. His parents also live with us and would love for us to have a child. Alhamdulilah my two brothers-in-law are married and each of them has two children, and then my sister-in-law (who lives with us) has three children. There is no shortage of grandchildren and my husband’s parents are supportive and love me very much. We are blessed.

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

Hits: 11414

Well I guess I thought like everyone else, you get married and have loads of babies. But, after 5 months of not conceiving you start to wonder a little... We had just moved to a new town so I had to find a new doctor and I finally found a female one. So I went to get my check-up and it turned out that she was a fertility specialist. Mind you, my intentions were simply to get a check-up.

The next thing I knew she said that I probably had endometriosis, so then I am thinking: what is that? She told me she was going to schedule me for surgery the next week. After I woke up from surgery she said that that was not my problem so I felt relieved. Later, as we continued talking she said both of my tubes were blocked. I was very, very heart broken. She then assured me that there was more that she could do for me. She scheduled me for another surgery to open my tubes. I had that surgery about a month after the first one. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain. I started hollering and screaming so they gave me a shot and I was out again.

Later I was taken to a room and was sedated again. After that I drifted in and out for the rest of the day. I had a beautiful dream that I was praying and going into Rukoo’ (bowing in prayer). The next afternoon my doctor told me everything had gone well. So I asked to go home where I would feel more comfortable because the whole time that I was there I had slept in a jilbaab (outer-garment) and a khimaar (a headscarf covering the entire chest, neck and head). So I went home and in two weeks I came back to her office. She said I should get pregnant by March and it is now April and nothing has happened but Inshaa'Allah (Allah Willing) maybe it will in the future.

I still hurt all the time because people snicker, and talk behind my back. I try to act like I do not notice it and that it does not bother me but it is hard. I think the hardest part of it all was not even having my family's support. My family hates me because of something that I have no control over. I know that there are more sisters out there who have the same problem but I pray that you never have to feel hate from your own family because of it.

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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I am 33 years old, and I have a 2 1/2 year old child. I had absolutely no problems conceiving her, alhumdulliah (Praise is due to Allah). I nursed my daughter so that my period was delayed until 13 months after delivery. At that point, my husband and I decided that we would really like another child and so did nothing to prevent another pregnancy. I became pregnant again about 3 months later, but I did not know it, because that pregnancy was an ectopic one, and I had bleeding throughout the pregnancy. Finally, I was in so much pain that I went to my obstetrician, who diagnosed me with an ectopic pregnancy and I had surgery to remove it. During the course of the surgery one of my fallopian tubes was removed.

Well, we still wanted another child and so we kept on trying. Six months later we had had no luck, despite careful timing of intercourse, etc. I went back to my obstetrician who told me that sometimes, after the body has had a "big shock", eggs are just not released for awhile. The doctor did a vaginal ultrasound and saw that indeed, although I had eggs, that they were not maturing and being released. She prescribed Clomid in the lowest dosage which I took for one month. I went back to her and had another vaginal ultrasound and she saw that eggs were starting to mature, but had not matured enough to be released. She then had me take another course of Clomid - a higher dosage - (for one cycle) and did yet another vaginal ultrasound and this time saw that eggs were mature, and would hopefully be released. Sure enough, that month I did conceive, alhumdulliah, and am now 4 1/2 months pregnant, inshaa’ Allah (Allah-Willing).

I cannot stress enough, however, that I have made a lot of du'aa (supplication) during this time, and really asked Allah for help. I got up at night and prayed, using the supplication that Prophet Zakariyyaa (Zachariah) (peace be upon), "My Lord! Indeed my bones have gown feeble, and grey hair has spread on my head, and I have never been unblessed in my invocation to you, O my Lord! And Verily! I fear my relatives after me, since my wife is barren. So give me from Yourself an heir." (Chapter: Maryam. Verses: 4,5).

My heart goes out to every sister who is facing infertility. It is hard enough to have infertility problems, but harder still as a Muslim, because Muslims are told to have as many children as possible by Rasoolullah (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam).

May Allah bless all those who desire children with children, and may Allah give us all the best in this life and the next. Aameen (May it be so).

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

Hits: 12975

I married in July of 1996 after looking for a husband for three years. One of my main drives to marry was to have children, and my husband was also very eager to have children. I figured we would be blessed with a pregnancy shortly after we married, that is what everyone thought...

It was a year and a half later, still no pregnancy, that we finally decided to go see a doctor to find out what was wrong. By this time I knew something was definitely wrong, and I knew I had to get something done. I had already checked out books, was able to chart my basal body temperature, I knew there were times when I ovulated properly and some times I didn't, I learned how to check my cervix position as well as cervical mucus. I also read up on common infertility problems and diagnosed myself with endometriosis, signs such as painful relations and painful menstrual cycles gave it away. My doctor was extremely happy that I was reading on the topic, it made things easier for both of us, the work finally began.

The normal checkup that usually occurs with a GYN was the easiest part of testing. No book could have prepared me for the pain I endured during my first HSG. While the books called it "minor discomfort" I would describe it as more of piercing a sword through my uterus. The injection of the dye is not so bad at all, but the clamping of the cervix should give an idea of pain. I have found though, since we move a lot the doctors changed, that the pain involved with HSG will vary from each doctor. Dr. Taylor, who was my second doctor, was much easier to take during the HSG. I was not hollering in pain, but was able to discuss what we saw on the monitor. Hence, the pain that I felt the first time around is not going to happen to everyone.

What I found out from my first HSG was that there was some blockage of my tubes. This took me to the final stage of diagnosis, laparoscopy, or the band aid surgery. This is when I was diagnosed with Stage 2 endometriosis. I opted to have major surgery to take care of my blocked tubes and adhesions. I now have one very good tube on my right side, my left is not so good but not impossible to work with. But as they say you only need one…

It was my third month of Clomid along with the active ingredient of cough syrup, a drug called called Guaifenesin. What this does is help liquefy the cervical mucus, which normally should be very thin and easy for the sperm to penetrate during ovulation (clomid can contribute to a change in cervical mucus). Many women take their own concoctions of cough syrup, but for Muslims we must watch the alcohol content in such products. I would personally prefer taking a few small pills a few times a day from the 10th day of my cycle until ovulation instead of gulping down cough syrup :). Being on clomid it is not unusual when it changes your monthly cycle, the flow, texture, being late, and a decrease or increase in the amount of days. So at about cycle day 40 when my cycle had yet to show up and along with a "over the counter" pregnancy test (results negative) my doctor prescribed a drug that would cause my cycle to come, unwilling as it was. This drug will usually take a week to take the medication and 10 days after that you should have your cycle. Imagine my annoyance when two weeks latter still my "little friend" was a no show.

I went to the doctor’s office and had some blood work done, I thought just nerves. Well I blew my doctor away when I wound up pregnant, not only with one but twins. Oh yes, if I am to do it... I will always opt to overdo it :). They were born in January of 1999, I went full term and both weighed in at 6 lbs 10 oz each.

A year later I decided that I wanted to have another child, since I plan on homeschooling during their younger years I wanted to have children close in age. I again took clomid for ovulation, while some woman will not need to go back to ovulation drugs some will. I also took hytuss to help the cervical mucus, I did not want to change anything that worked the first time around.

After one cycle on clomid I became pregnant Alhamdulillah (praise is due to Allah), we are expecting a girl in Nov 2000 inshallah.

Being an avid reader and internet junky, I decided to search for other women in my situation. Not only ones that I can relate to on an "infertile level" but also the ones with which I can share a common foundation of Islaam. What I found was a stigma on women who can't bear children right after marriage and no one freely discusses this issue.

As Allah says, ‘He leaves whom He wills barren,’ so we know that it can happen to any couple. The lack of Islamic resources on the topic is beyond irritating, and it was then that I decided the web would be a good place to get us dealing with this issue. With the help of my dear sister Rabea... here we are. I pray that everyone finds this informative, and we are able to fight against ignorant type casts of barren couples, become more sensitive to the issue, and stop down-grading women whom Allaah has chosen to be barren or men for that matter.

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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I have been through six years of infertility; tubal surgery and hormone therapy for endometriosis. I now have four children maa shaa' Allah, daughters – one before all the trouble three after. In between I have had seven miscarriages, all at various stages from six weeks to four months. We have tried just about everything except IVF, which at my age (41) is no longer recommended.

I had hoped for just one more baby before it is too late, qadaar Allahu ma sha fa'al (it is the decree of Allah and He does as He wills). I guess it just was not written for me.

When I married (at 14) I dreamt of having ten kids, one after another. I thought I could have a baseball team by the time I was twenty-five! It was not to be.

Al-hamdu-lillah (all Praise is due to Allah), my children are normal and healthy.

I am now a grandmother of 1 and 8 and 8/9. My daughter's second baby is due any minute now. May Allah strengthen her and give her a strong healthy normal child. May she deliver normally and return to health quickly.

Aameen (may it be so).

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Category: Infertility, Miscarriages and Birth Control

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The wives of Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) are often understood as examples for Muslim women to follow. When Muslim women are given models of performance they turn to these women to show piety, steadfastness, honesty and obedience. However what appears to be forgotten among many is that most Mothers of the believers would be defined as infertile today. Among these women are two who would be classified as having secondary infertility, both having children prior to their marrying Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). All others bearing no children at all. Let us take a look at these women.

Sawdaa': She was married to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) shortly after the death of Khadijah, three years before the hijrah (migration). She was a widow having married once before. There are conflicting reports in reference to her having children. Those that claim she had a child attribute one son to her. She bore no children while married to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam).

'Aa'ishah: She was married to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) in the same year as Sawdaa', although her marriage was not consummated until after the migration to Madinah. She was the youngest wife of Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) and the only virgin. She bore no children in her marriage.

Hafsah: She was married to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) after becoming a widow at the time of the battle of Badr. She is said to have been around the age of nineteen at the time. She had no children in her first marriage to Khumays b. Hudhafah and she bore no children in her marriage to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam).

Umm Salamah: She married Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) in the year 4 AH. She was previously married to 'Abdullah ibn Abdul Asad and they had four children together, Zaynab, Salamah, Umar and Durra. She married Muhammad after becoming a widow and was still nursing Zaynab. She bore no children with Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam).

Zaynab bint Jahsh: She was a cousin of Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) and previously married to his adopted son Zayd bin Thabit. After Zayd had divorced her in 5AH she was married to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) by the decree of Allah. She bore no children in either marriage.

Juwayriyyah: She was married to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) after the Battle of the Ditch in 5 A.H. She was captured and then freed by Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam); she then converted to Islaam and married the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah, the Mighty, be upon him). She was previously married before being a Muslim to Musafi' ibn Safwan. She bore no children in either marriage.

Umm Habibah: She married Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) in the year 7 A.H. She was previously married to 'Ubaydullah ibn Jahsh who turned apostate after migrating to Abyssinia. She bore one daughter, Habibah after her emigration to Abyssinia. She bore no children in her marriage to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam).

Safiyyah: She was a Jew and captured during the attack on Khaybar in 7 A.H. She was freed and converted to Islaam then married Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). She was married twice before her conversion she bore no children in any marriage.

Maymoonah: She married Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) in 7AH. She was the last to be married by Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). She was previously married to Ma'sood ibn 'Amr ath-Thaqafi and Abu Ruhm ibn 'Abdul Uzza. She bore no children in any marriage.

We can make the assumption that a fertility problem did not lie in Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). He had children with his first wife Khadijah, four girls and two boys. And he had one child, Ibraaheem, with Maryam the Copt slave who was given to him as a gift after 7 A.H.

When we take these women as examples such exemplary women it’s strange as to why some people place so much emphasis on a woman's ability to procreate and actually make her feel as if she has failed if she hasn’t!! Here we have the life of Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) who is the best of examples, and yet we have the desire to measure the worth of a Muslim women by her ability to produce children. Yes, these examples of Muslim women did not produce children in their marriage to Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam). They (may Allah be pleased with them) can be defined as infertile in light of the common day definition of infertility. Yet, Muhammad (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did not divorce them, nor did he demean them for not having children. Their status as Muslim women was in no way defined by their ability or inability to have children. We have no record of this even being an issue among these women, yet we make it an issue between every couple even if we hardly know them.

It is my hope that all of my fellow infertile Muslim sisters find strength in the memory of these women. Even though they bore no children with Muhammad (sallallahu 'alyhi wa sallam) he loved and respected them and they are given a status unlike other women in our Ummah (Muslim nation).

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Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

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Polygamy, hmm tell me my sister, what is the big deal?

Your husband, my husband can have up to four wives if Allaah may will.

Explain to him why you are stressing, cos it's as though all the responsibilities are on you.

Fast Ramadahn, guard your Salaah, obey your husband and do what you do.

We as women are not like the men. We take our husbands to be our best and closest friend.

But Allah did not create the men like the women.

Take two, three or four so don't blame him sister if he want more.

Why make haram for him that which Allah has made halaal.

If you deny him of this, then have the courage to stand before him looking all wild.

Polygamy is something that is easier said than done. On the brother's part and on the sister's part.

But don't worry about who he loves more in his heart.

This matter is with Allaah, so strive to please your Lord.

Your destination is the Jannah, this dunya is just room and board.

Sister please don't worry yourself with "what are they doing". You continue to do what you do.

Have your stuff planned out, laid out and be beautified for the time that he spends with you.

Yes I understand polygamy can be very hard on the first wife.

And for some of us it cuts worse than the sharpest knife.

But what about your new co-wife? Who don't know your husband like you do.

So, it has to be scary for her too.

Sure, go ahead explain to her how he like his meat cooked.

And she will share with you her favorite cookbook.

Remember you are striving for the Jannah, not only for the love of this man,

If he is your ultimate goal, then my sister you have the wrong game plan.

This deen is good advice and this is mine to you.

Don't worry about what they are doing,

just handle yours when it's time for him to be with you.

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Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

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This is a sensitive subject, but it is the biggest and hardest aspect to deal with for many women in polygyny - marital intimacy. I know that many women feel that they never want their husbands to touch them again once he's been with another woman. They struggle with feelings of diminished confidence, jealousy, suspicion that he is lying when he says he still wants them, and disgust. It can be even harder because, with polygyny, it is not a secret; he has legitimately taken another wife and is living with her for part of the time.

I'm sure some of you may have wondered how I handled this and if I went through those feelings. Most certainly some of those negative thoughts went through my mind, but I knew they were from shaytaan. I also avoid my own slanted interpretations of things. After all, if I have no reason to think I am undesirable or less in some way, then why on earth should I think it?

Certain factors will always play a big part in how the woman feels and how she copes. Much depends on how the husband handles the situation. He must make her feel especially wanted and desired to compensate for the fact that he is also enjoying someone else. He must make it his responsibility to ensure the existing wife/wives are well taken care of in this area.

However, I took a different approach to the whole subject. I told my husband as clearly as I could that I didn't get married to be left hanging and frustrated. I made it clear over 7 years ago that I expected my husband to keep me fulfilled, regardless of his obligations to, and desires for, another wife. I know myself well enough to know that if I was left feeling frustrated or ignored, it would be a huge source of fitna and resentment of his other marriage. It is essential to eliminate all aspects that will sabotage positive thinking and success in polygynous situations.

So, rather than think to myself, 'I don't want him to touch me now he's been with someone else,' I thought instead, 'I'm getting some of my marital rights from him.' For every night that I think he is pleasing her, I will ensure he pleases me on my night/time, inshaa'Allah. I'm sure it must seem quite a tough approach as opposed to the hurt and confidence shaken one, but it works very well for me. Even if I imagine that my husband is having relations with his other wife on every one of her nights, exercising my marital rights on my nights gives me equal psychological footing.

As my husband so clearly stated on his blog, it doesn't go down well in polygyny for the man to be too tired or have a headache, LOL. From a female perspective, I think that most men think they are "too much man" for one woman and can always handle more, LOL. All I have to say to that is, "Prove it." 

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Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

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Over the years, polygyny has played a role in my life in many ways. When I was a single Muslimah, I had several proposals for polygyny and have witnessed polygyny attempts... and failures. One might think that with my attitude towards it, I might have been a willing candidate for polygyny.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I always looked at it with the questions:

• What is the benefit for him?
• What is the benefit for me?
• What is the benefit for his family?
• What are the losses for him?
• What are the losses for me?
• What are the losses for his family?
• Does his wife want it? Does she accept and agree to it?
• How does he plan to practice it?
• Can he afford it?
• Do we have similar goals?
• Is he forward thinking regarding safeguarding our future and our goals collectively as a family?
• Does he have genuine reasons for wanting to marry me?
• What is his religious understanding and practice?

Believe me, there are plenty of other questions I could ask but I never even got past the first six or seven. Usually, I didn't even get past the first two! Needless to say, I didn't accept those polygynous proposals. In fact, in each case the first thing I asked the brother was, "What about your wife?" I will not be the one to hurt his wife, take time and resources away from his children, and ruin the simplicity of being one happy family unit. I'm not the party crasher. I'm not the one to squeeze a sixth person in a five-passenger car and cause discomfort for everyone on the journey.

I'm sure this sounds funny when I am in polygyny and have welcomed, or at worst case, accepted it into my life as a blessing and a test from Allah. However, there is a big difference between being a first wife where polygyny is imposed on you, and to be unmarried and make a conscious decision to enter into polygyny. The former entails having Allah send life changes and tests to you and facing them. The latter entails looking at a prospective situation, its pros and cons, and choosing it.

So, I wondered to myself, under what circumstances would I enter into polygyny? Before everything else, I would need to be in a situation where I needed to married...and where polygyny could work well or better than monogamy. Perhaps if I were widowed, needing support and stability for my children or to keep us in a certain place (like here in Madinah) it would become an option. Obviously there would need to be a great benefit to our Islam, with sound understanding and in depth knowledge. At my stage of life and deen, the only way to respect and obey a man is for him to have serious focus, obedience to, and worship of Allah.

So, if all this is in place, what's left? His wife. She must know me, understand me, love me, and actually want me in her life and family. She must be so satisfied with me that she would trust me to raise her children if something should happen to her. How's that for a tall order, LOL?

Now before anyone jumps up and argues, I know that the existing wife doesn't have to agree to polygyny. I know that she doesn't have to like me or be friends. I know that she doesn't even have to get to know me. This isn't about any Islamic requirements; this is about me and my heart and what I can live with. I cannot live with the guilt and fitna of marrying someone at the expense of others. I don't want to be another woman's heart wrenching test or unpleasant, lifetime burden. That makes for a wounded family. I will not expose my children to that and I will not accept that distraction from my deen and worship bi ithn Illah, taala.

I know what the implications of polygyny are. Basically, the first wife has to include and be affected for the rest of her life, by another woman who she never chose to share with, or even be friends with in many cases. The existence of that person in her family means that nothing is the same. Her marriage and marital intimacy is altered forever. There is no freedom to go on vacations without paying the price of time and money for someone else. Everything is on a schedule, restricted by time division and having to always be considerate of someone else. Everything is more complicated, more tiring, and sadly, less pleasant. It is a enormous and painful test for most women.

Marriage is supposed to be forever and it is meant to be one big family, on the same page, striving for the same goals, functioning in their respective roles, happy together and loving each other... for the sake of Allah. Sound too good, too ideal? Well, it isn't really; it will always have it's tests and trials. However, I've seen too much and been through too much to willingly settle for anything less that that.

May Allah bless us all abundantly, shower His soothing mercy on us, and make our good intentions a reality - Aameen.

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Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

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This is the letter I wrote to my second co-wife. Qadr Allah, I never got to meet her as the situation didn't work out. I pray Allah gives her something far better - aameen!

However, this letter was something I sent to set the stage and let her know where I was coming from. I will say that this was for an American co-wife, someone who had researched me and asked common friends about me prior to marrying our husband. She was also similar in age, hence she held a special attraction for me - a sister who would be a peer, a companion, and a support for many things. Obviously I have removed her name from it and replaced it with co-wife, where relevant. The letter was titled,

"Co-wife", my Rose...

BismIllah

As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh my dear sister.

Welcome to our family! As two wives within one family, only Allah knows the depth of relationship we will have with each other. We may be the best of friends or we may simply love each other as sisters in Islaam. Personally, I pray that we will be the best of friends! I am really looking forward to getting to know you, inshaa'Allah. However, before any of that, we are believers in Allah, His Messenger, and the Last Day. We are striving together for our family's ultimate success. Our race to Allah's Pleasure, is reason enough to love each other dearly.

The biggest obstacle we will face, not only us but also our husband, is the fact that shaytaan's favorite playground is polygyny. He loves to cause marital discord and separation...and he will work triply hard (at minimum) to whisper to us, to plant and nurture fitan (trials and tests). I am sure that we will be an even bigger target because we are all committed to pleasing Allah and welcome polygyny as a mercy and as a blessing. When Allah's servants want polygyny with sincere hearts, shaytaan makes it one of his pet projects to ruin it. Let us be aware, forewarned, on guard, and have a strategy to deal with that rotten devil, inshaa'Allah. Here are some very basic suggestions I have. I welcome any input from you on this, inshaa'Allah, as another perspective usually brings improvements.

If, at any time we are communicating, whether online, over the phone, or face to face, and shaytaan whispers some negative thing that enters our thoughts we can say, firmly and as violently as we like, "Audhu b'Illahi minash-shaytaan ir-rajeem!" It won't need any other explanation, because we will understand that we are simply protecting ourselves and our relationship. It can be done in the middle of a sentence, whenever...so we deal with it immediately, rather than letting any seeds be planted or give that stinker the pleasure of getting to us for more than an instant. Of course, it can be any mention of Allah that will send him running, but the idea is the same.

If shaytaan sows a seed of fitnah while one is alone, polluting one's thoughts, seek refuge with vehemence, do not let him have his way! If one is wondering about something and shaytaan starts using it to cause bad feeling and fitnah, don't keep it inside. Raise the matter as soon as possible, talk about it and get clarity so he can go "fly a kite." If he presents some doubtful issue or something that bothers us and needs resolution, we can work together to clear it up and kick him out. Let us be to each other those blessed and beneficial bricks in the wall of believers.

As your sister, I am not any form of competition. I am just another member of the team and I'm playing on the same side as you. There is no ranking system, no “first” and “second”, there is just the term “wives.” Something to always remember is that your husband loves you, that you are special and precious to him. You offer him something that no other woman can - your own, beautiful, unique self. I feel sure that I will love you for those same reasons!

There will never be any competition between a rose and a freesia, they both are beautiful and they both have a beautiful, unique scent.

A rose cannot be a freesia, nor can a freesia be a rose...so they may as well be what Allah made them and appreciate and enjoy all the good each other has.

I am eagerly waiting for you to join us here in Madinah.

Love,

Mai